England
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
England is a country most known for having 98% of its population consist of gays. Originally cradle to the native Bretons, years of colonial rape and occupation by Europeans has resulted in the congealed mud-people now called the English who, in their oedipal complex, then proceeded to do exactly the same thing to everyone else. England is known among Europeans as the only country USAns don't hate (but they do.) Traveling to England however - contrary to the belief that ALL English people kiss the USA's ass - one will find that all the English actually hate Americans. English like to believe that Americans are lazy fat bastards, when actually statistically English people are now more obese, and work far less than Americans do. The only people that the English hate more than the Americans are the French, but that certainly doesn't prevent them from dispatching with all the superfluous "u"s left over from their period of French-based pwnage. The English also like to think they are still living in the 1800s and are still pwning the world, but in reality England is now only seen as the insignificant lapdog of the U.S.
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[edit] Geography
England is located on a shitty, miserable island situated somewhere near Europe. No American is entirely sure of its exact location because they're too fucking stupid to even realize were they live. England is sometimes referred to as "Britain", a term which includes the English-occupied territories of Scotland, Wales, Italy, Dublin and Harvard Yard. Some theorize that England doesn't exist and is merely "conspiracy of cartographers". Many American scholars support this notion, especially considering the fact that there is no map called England for Counter-Strike. England's main exports are new-born babies, as their teenage pregnancy rate is over 9000 per week, and trannies, as they attempt to have butt-babies to further boost their flagging economy. Of course these new-born babies are exported to the U.S.A for the local pedo's to have their way with them. The U.S.A buys most the gay shit that comes out of england.
[edit] Lifetime Achievements
- Giving birth to the United States, which subsequently killed its father and married its mother.
- Having London Win the 2012 olympic bid, only to fuck it up with a horrendous logo campaign.
- Getting pwnt by a rabble of over 9000 Drunken-Irish
- Despite the country's small size, the British military has at some point pwned every single other country in the world, except America and Japan.
- Creating the BBC, still used to broadcast Limey propaganda and Russian childporn until this very day.
- Inventing Monty Python (see English Humour)
- Having the forethought to take all the LSD given to them by America so that they could invent Monty Python.
- Stealing football from Russia, to later split it into the separate sports of rugby and soccer.
- At 5:00 am every morning, the entire English race wakes up and worships the Royal Family. They sacrifice children as the Queen smears her withered, saggy, piss-smelling body in diamonds and the blood of the innocent, nude on national television. This is judged to be the leading cause of blindness in the UK.
- Producing Cheddar Valley.
- Having the worst weather in the entire planet.
- Creating bands that noone outside of England has ever heard of, such as The Streets and the Arctic Monkeys.
- Having as many furries as the rest of the English-speaking world combined.
- Cheering on Tim Henman every year at Wimbledon until he gets pwned by any other tennis player and then claiming that "It will be Tim's year next year!"
[edit] Guide To Being English
- Drive a German car
- Visit an Irish pub for a Belgian beer
- On the way home purchase either fish and chips, an Indian curry, a Turkish kebab, or a Chinese takeaway. Though probably the curry, because they fucking rock and taste better than any fucking thing originating anywhere within about a thousand miles of England, whose national "cuisine" centers profoundly on nasty shit, boiled until at least it doesn't taste of anything.
- Eat said food while sitting on a Swedish sofa while watching American programs on a Japanese television
- Steal Genoese flags and Czech coats of arms and pretend that they are yours
- Be suspicious of all things foreign
- Believe that England will win every sporting event, and send death threats to someone when it doesn't happen. Riot when you lose. Or when you win. Travel to international games not so much to see the match as to fuck up the city center and throw bricks and bottles at the local police afterwards. Sing ingenious songs on the terraces such as the unforgettable "I'd rather be a Paki than a Turk", premiered while playing Turkey.
- Criticize Americans for engaging in irresponsible imperialistic adventurism while forgetting that America is the product of irresponsible imperialistic adventurism on the part of the English.
- Dress in a tracksuit or other sporting gear but don't actually have any exercise
- Never go to the dentist/orthodontist for the remainder of your life
- Fork off the state
- Become a Wikipedo, emo your way into being an Admin so you can resign in disgrace, then get all emo again so you can attention whore your way back into power.
- Say FFS after every other word
[edit] Bum Secks
In 1966 England passed a Sexual Offenses Act that legalized homosexual anal sex for men over 21 provided it occurred only in private (defined therein as a place either man owned, and which housed nobody but the participants). Heterosexuals had to wait another twenty-eight years to legally get it in the ass. Woman on woman anal penetration was declared illegal by Henry VIII, who subsequently invented the Church of England. While this rule largely remains unenforced, it has never been overturned by the British courts or by the Church of England.
However, during Queen Victoria's rule, her advisers brought her a law to sign that would render all queer sex illegal. None of her advisors had the balls to explain quite how lesbianism worked to the Queen, so it was let slip. Lesbianism was legal by omission, for the simple reason that nobody knew quite how to describe the act of tribbing to HRH. This marks one of those moments in history during which lesbian invisibility has been a boon to society. It is also said that hot girl on girl action is superior to guy on guy sex, which is not awesome, while the attractiveness of girl-on-girl action can be destroyed by the introduction of furries to the sex, as furries are vile and hideous.
A furry will have to abstain — it is a life sentence to bugger an animal. However, you can have sex with dead animals, as under English law a dead animal of any kind or state is considered food. It remains illegal to have anal sex in a hotel room, regardless of whom the sex involves.
[edit] Religion
Christianity was the dominant religion for a short while of around 1400 years, reintroduced to England in 597 CE (AD to primitive Christians) by St. Augustine and its message rapidly spread. Christianity became even more popular following the Norman Conquest in 1066 as King William ordered a massive building program at monastic and parish levels. Soon after in the late Twentieth century the popularity of Christianity started to wane as new religions from far off lands started to gain increased influence, with Islam and Scientology being the most significant. A final death blow was struck to Christianity however by the Commission for Racial Equality who insisted that it was discriminatory because it did not encourage its followers to enter marriages against their will, blow themselves up in the name of God, give their women second class status forbidding them to work or reveal their faces in public, and that Sunday School did not dedicate enough time to educating children in the art of holy war and the religious uses of Semtex.
[edit] Political Correctness Gone Mad
- Fairy Lights - Now to be called "Fuck You, Fairies Are Real" Lights as to not offend people who believe in fairies.
- Christmas Trees - Now to also be named rag head-killing trees as to not offend Sikhs and Muslims.
- Brain Storms - Now to be called retard-spasms as to not offend those with mental disorders.
- Common Sense - Is now not allowed to be used in classrooms. Because England is so multi-cultural, there apparently is no 'common sense' anymore.
- The English Flag - Was said to be 'inciting racial hatred' in a Northern town when the World Cup was on. Subsequently, the inhabitants were not allowed to wave their own country's flag. It would be racist! The Mozzer got into some trouble for dressing himself in it at least one hundred years ago.
- Baa Baa Black Sheep is now banned from being sung in primary schools. What a bad example it would set to our children. As a replacement, the Jim Davidson wrote the charming ditty "Burn the Niggers" to be sung daily by schoolchildren everywhere; it reflects an ethos which can be embraced by people of all races. At least, all the races who are actually in school.
- Dwarves are now to be called by the modern term "circus freaks".
- Blackboards are now to be called Negro-Writing-Areas. Only Blacks are allowed to write on them.
- Whiteboards are now to be called Honky-Writing-Areas. Only Whites, the poor and English Fuckturds are to write on them. The Scottish and Welsh are not permitted ANY education, at all.
- Just looking at Goatse will soon be illegal in the UK, a sneak peak at it is and open invitation to be Goatse'd yourself at the pleasure of Her Majesty [1].
However, in a reaction to this, noted Tory, twit, and Sodomite David Cameron is unbearably popular, and it is not an overreach to foresee a future where he, not Elizabeth II, is Queen of England. Tony Blair has not denied that he may accept the offer to be David's King.
[edit] Wildlife
On January 20 2006, a Northern Bottle nose Whale was spotted in Central London in the River Thames. (BBC) The Thames whale reached as far up river as Albert Bridge before it was swarmed by starving and ragged homeless, dragged into Battersea Park, and flensed with broken wine bottles. The authorities have as of yet made no arrests, as this action is "inconceivably pro-active" for the box-dwelling winos, and is seen as a potential case of human evolution in the lower class. The whale blubber is even being rendered beneath the Albert Bridge into oil, and while the stench has been noted as far east as Soho, the enlightened bourgeois middle class are finding the affair morally uplifting. Subsequently a crack BBC reality TV crew has been dispatched to view the human evolution in action. There are reports an American version of this upcoming show will be released on NBC.
As of January 21 2006, reports of the whale bones having been fashioned into a temple to Alstrogothia, notable Caco-demon of the 6th circle, are being investigated. Police are considering action, as Queen Elizabeth II had a shocking experience with Alstrogothia as a young girl in private school.
[edit] The English
English people fall into one of 4 categories (in this order).
- Royalty
- Chavs - see Dwarlinggirlxcore
- Cunts
- Hugh Grant
[edit] Body structure
The English are asymmetrical along the body, meaning that the left part is not a mirror image of the right. They do not have hardened exoskeletons, which results in horrible skin conditions. They breathe via their lungs through their permanently flared nostrils.
Their bodies can be classified into three major parts: head, abdomen and limbs. The limbs, one pair each of legs and arms, attach directly to the head. The Queen is responsible for laying the thousands of eggs required for replacing workers lost in Iraq. The number of males is generally low because only one male is needed for the entire reproductive process. Despite this, all English people, regardless of sex, are referred to as Englishmen.
Contrary to what most people believe, the English do not bite. They use their jaws to anchor themselves and then, using their strong mandibles, attach themselves to their food and tear at it with their limbs. As a result the average Englishmen is in severe need of dental hygiene. They have yet to discover the scientific technology known as orthodontics, steadfastly insisting that cosmetic surgery is only for prostitutes.
[edit] Language
The English are most recognizable for speaking in any one of their hyper-specialized accents, the most notable being Cockney, Low-bred and Pompous Jackass. Cockney (lolcocks) is probably the only one worth elaborating on, as it is the most specialized. The first thing a Cockney speaker will do is replace every "t" with an apostrophe (e.g. apostrophe -> apos'rophe) unless that "t" is at the end of a word such as is found in the ever-present ancillary contraction, "innit". The second unique feature of Cockney is that it uses rhyming slang which is more long-winded than the word for which it is being substituted. For instance, instead of saying "stairs" a cockney speaker would say "apples and pears".
[edit] British Television
Recent research by British Scientists has discovered large amounts of a physical phenomenon called "suck" emanating from British Television. British citizens (or people unlucky enough to be in Britain) must watch one of many channels named with the "BBC (X)" naming convention. If you don't like what's on BBC 1, turn it to BBC 2; they'll have something that definitely is not about redecorating a house or a room therein.
British Scientists also learned how to pipe this Vortex of Suck to the USA. The average Dish Network(tm) or DirecTV(tm) now has an extra channel to skip over in search of mediocre soft core Cable porn or SpongeBob Squarepants. Fortunately, the pipes are a bit leaky, or else Americans would be seeing shit like Little Britain.
Channel 4 is another television channel in England where it's main shows are about freaks and filming freaks 24/7. They also air the English version of Big Brother. To become a house mate on Big Brother you must either have the biggest breasts for miles, claim to be a gay or have sucked cock for money. Fucktards are also welcome, and if you have all three qualities you are likely to be jumped and put in the house by force.
[edit] People from England
- Angela
- David Cameron
- TM
- Richard Dawkins
- The Young Ones
- OldDirtyBtard
- Abdul
- Dangasm
- BNP
- Younger Woolwich Boyz
- Sceptre
- The Royal Family
- Yorkshiremen
- Gaaralover85
- Jesus
[edit] English Inventions
- Great Britain
- Scotland
- Ireland
- Dragons
- Incest
- Lulz
- Canada
- Glamrock
- The Sandwich
- United States
- Computers
- Browsers
- Internets
- Most laughable cultural movements; chavs and scousers are examples of this.
[edit] Trolling the English
Insult the royal family and the British empire on this forum - Currently Unavailable.
Many British lol-cows congregate on TSR forums, principally to discuss how to survive with the complete absence of oral hygiene.
