Colorado
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Colorado is a big square state, bordered on all sides by several other states with pointy and boring shapes. These include Wyoming, which is what Colorado would be with no people, (this, of course, doesn't count Mormons) more Buffalo, and less fun. There is also Utah, which is what Colorado would look like with anorexia and a large square tumor. Colorado was originally a dumping place for Polish criminals. The government leased the land to the Ploish government as a prison colony, the rest is history. Many of the scientific break throughs attributed to the Polish were actually accomplishments of Polish Coloradans. The coal powered rocket ship, the submarine screen door, Boulder, and the current economical policies are all feats of Polish Colorado pioneers.
Now, contrary to popular thought the mountains do not cover the entire state stopping exactly at the Kansas and Nebraska borders. There are relatively flat portions of the state on the eastern plains. And by that I mean that most people outside of Colorado still will regard these gently sloping hills as mountains because they are fucking ignorant! Colorado is also home of the world's largest annual "stroke session". Tired of electing liberal fags who did nothing to alleviate the sorry state of the economy, or pass any laws that impacted anyone but the rich hippie assholes in Boulder, people simply began jacking off on election day. "At least when we're jacking off, we're fucking ourselves, not getting fucked by these useless Colorado lawmakers", said one resident.
Colorado was founded last Thursday by John Elway, and is widely known for the large mountain range that runs through it, "The Rocky Mountains", or just "The Rockies" for short. Colorado is home to a wide variety of people. Whites, niggers, and whites who think they're niggers. Oh, and Mexicans, the only people who seem to be able to find a job in the economical shithole that is Metro Denver. White people were the last to arrive in the cities of Denver and Aurora, preferring the "simplur laf" and tight mountain goat ass of the Rocky mountain small town. Most of them are still wearing those fucking "I'm the Boss" t-shirts with that stupid fucking duck on them. Though you would think these people had just stepped out of a parallel universe where the Insane Clown Posse is still cool and having thirty half nigger babies is acceptable, they are indeed of this universe. and People know of Colorado as the "Rocky Mountain State", which is really stupid since the mountains also run through several other states, like Wyo...Never mind. It is also known quite well for the killing spree that took place at Columbine High School, where several mentally deranged students killed other students, and then themselves. This also had the wonderful side effect of giving every damned High School in the country extra security guards, therefore creating many new jobs for hardworking Americans.
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[edit] Boulder
Yes, Boulder gets its own section. Not because its great, but because ever flaming car wreck deserves a little attention. I could complain about the traffic, the hippies, the goddamn bike riders, the self-righteous college students, the complacent residents (whom have been known to murder their beauty queen pre-pubescent daughters), and the rest of the retarded hodge-podge that make up this town. Boulder is also home to the ultra rare "liberal douche" redneck. These "intellectuals" have read a Newsweek and heard a Bob Dylan song at some point in their life. These accomplishments set them above most Coloratards, and they enjoy flaunting their superior intelligence. When not wearing flannel vests and hiking boots while drinking micro brew, these supermen are protesting the hiring of additional police to catch a child rapist and killer because of the extra penny it would cost each resident in taxes. I could complain, but I won't. All I want is for you readers to visit Boulder yourself and then edit this page with your own complaints!
Oh, don't sit on any toilet seats in Boulder ... you'll get herpes.
In Boulder, every resident has declared shimself as "more special-er than thou" due to the omnipotent Gospel of Wealth. Approximately 90% of a Boulderite's body is entirely covered in hair. The other 10% that is bare is shis penis, which is extremely large because exposing a Boulderite's penis to money raises its Super Sayian Level to 900,000 (causing it to grow 10-12 more inches). Unfortunately, the increased penis size does not allow a Boulderite to procreate sucessfully, which explains the abnormal rates of adoption from Taiwan, Singapore, or any other Asian country that gives away children, not like price matters to someone from this magical place. A Boulder resident is most likely a yetti/furry, college kid attending Neurotic University (Neuropa),where kids learn to bend spoons and write emo poetry, or a self-righteous fucktard whose penis swells every time he hears "9/11 was a lie!".
Boulder is something of an independent city of unbridled, idealistic liberalism in a sea of Colorado idiodic, bible-raping conservatism, which prevents anything from getting done. Education is very limited because nobody in Boulder can listen to a viewpoint that is not doused in liberalism. Nobody knows how to raise children, either, because Boulderite parents are too busy rock-climbing, bear wrestling, or having massive furry/hippy orgies to give their kids good examples. Boulder, Colorado gave birth to the parenting theory that if you whisper to the kids in their ears to behave, they will automatically understand and do what you say. Also, the theory focuses on giving the kids exactly what they want so that they won't throw a shit fit. This is why in 2007, a boy was able to stockpile sniper rifles and ak-47s in his bedroom.
Because nobody in Boulder has social skills (a disease called "Boulderitis"), most children in the area are homeschooled. A typical school day consists of masturbation, kumbaya circles, and award ceremonies, where children are presented with "special" prizes for doing absolutely nothing. Anyone who accomplishes anything in Boulder is silenced and sent to a cage surrounded by angry middle-aged hippies who blame them for their childrens' lack of self-esteem and addictions to Russian porn.
True fact!Boulder is built on a Quartz crystal deposit, leaving everyone there batshit insane! Yes, this is true. It is well-known that Boulder is a "spiritual" hot-bed, but the churches there are full of liberal nut-jobs who all say they love everyone but proceed to swear and threaten the guy who takes too long to order at the nearest Hippie Starbucks. Hypocricy is a popular form of endearment in the Boulderite culture. Just ask anyone who has ever gone to Unity of Boulder, an insane asylum that preaches love and acceptance and practices self-righteous, "I Iz Speshaler than u" retardation.
Pearl Street (overpriced shit land) is the home of 95% of Boulderite hippies. The other 5% live in recycling bins. They hope to "encourage" (pressure/threaten) the lower to middle-class Coloradians to pay more money that they don't have to recycle every bit of waste they produce.
[edit] Major sports
Colorado contains several crappy sports teams that don't help Coloradians image much. (The fact that they are called "Coloradians" in the first place is pretty stupid.) The Colorado Rockies baseball club was founded in 1993 and, much like a souffle, proceeded to collapse slowly during their inagural and subsequent seasons in the altitude. In the 2007 season the Rockies gave Coloradians a delight by not being as bad as in previous seasons. However, now that this is written they are bound to begin their slow self-mutilation and take their rightful place in the basement of the NL West.
Since the late 1960's, Denver fans have had a love-affair with football and the evidence of that can be found in the dirty, smelly, and still orange-clad maniac fans of the Denver Broncos. Let me give you the run down of every season of the Broncos (save 2): they reach a record of 10-6 and then lose in the playoffs (if they make it). Through much of the last two decades of the 20th Century the hope of the entire Rocky Mountain region rested on the shoulders and horse-teeth of quarterback John Elway. Through most of his career he was labeled as the "quarterback who could get to the big game and then have a choking-like event happen to him." That is until the late 90's when he finally won, not one, but two championships, bringing redemption, not only to his career, but to all of those mile-high losers who paint their bodies in orange paint every Sunday for five month a year.
When the NHL came to town in the form of the Avalanche in 1995 the city decreed: "Finally! A sport we can relate to!" What they meant was it was a sport played by half-educated mongrels on a surface the consistency of I-25 in February. The Avalanche managed to please right away by winning the 1996 Stanley Cup, and then spent the next 5 years fucking with the minds of fans as they consistently lost to teams that could barely skate. Then, in 2001, they won the Cup again in the name of a geriatric who abandoned his old team just to win a ring. The team also proved that a new winning team can pull the affections of a decades old team away, maintaining that Denver is still the nation's bandwagon supplier since the days of the Oregon Trail.
Due to the high altitude no sports team, no matter how good or bad, can hold the attention of a citizen for too long. This has caused an inordinate fluctuation in other sports teams that have joined the area including the Crush (Arena Football), Mammoth (Indoor Lacrosse), The Outlaws (Outdoor Lacrosse), the Rapids (Soccer), and a slew of other athletic distractions across the front range. On a day where there is no sports team playing the Colorado media outlets complain about how they never get to host a Winter Olympics. But who wants to see an Olympics hosted by a state that proudly tolerates Boulder?
Oh, did I forget to mention basketball? Fuck 'em!
[edit] Ski/snowboard industry
Have you ever seen an idiot fall down a mountain with a plank of wood nailed to his or her feet? No? Really? Then come on out to Colorado beginning in October and stay through April. You will be able to see thousands of such morons risk life and limb in an event so moronic it is banned in most other states. The best part is, you'll know if it's a good wreck if the ski patrol bring the person down the rest of the way with the blanket pulled all the way up! In short: skiing is Darwinism at its best.
[edit] RTD
Colorado boasts the most well liked bus system in the country. Or so they say. In reality, RTD (Which is the retard's spelling for "Retard") is a system of freaks on wheels, in which you can, many times, find homeless men peeing, transexuals shouting on their blackberries, and old men screaming about the $1.50 bus fare. If RTD were taking the SAT, it would not even get the free 200 points for signing your name correctly.
[edit] School systems
DPS is another horrible 3 letter acronym for the Denver Public School district. DPS contains a bunch of retards which think that if you remove student freedom, they will learn better. It contains several hundred schools, only about 3 of which are still open, due to vast budget cuts that occur daily. 90% of all people in DPS do not speak english, which makes the retards assume that the students in DPS are stupid when the standardized teasts come back in non-english languages. This, of course, causes more budget cuts and stupid rules. The former is a cycle called "The retard system". There are several colleges in Colorado, but nobody cares for them because they have awful sports programs.
[edit] Colorado Fish & Game
Colorado is well known for not having anything worth shooting other than high school students. Every four hundred and twenty years some kids shoot their school, and then shoot themselves. They commonly leave notes blaming Playstation games for their actions, thus making them like Ted Kennedy. The FBI concluded last year that the last sacrificial shooting was to please the gods and make Michael Moore have a more successful life instead of just being a fat fuck.
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