Totse
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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| FACT ALERT: Totse members huff their own shit to get high. No, srsly! [1] UPDATE: Totse user Pickwick has started the Jenkification of America: Winknews article.
Also, the first result of a google search for "nasal penetration" turns out this totse article | 
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Totse, or Temple Of The Small Erection, is a throwback to old-school BBS days when being a hacker was about information, instead of being some sort of generic fashion statement. The main focus of Totse is the text files section which has articles that appeal mostly to rebellious 13 year old boys who want to get revenge on their nazi parents or wanting to plan the next columbine. On the site you'll find information related to computer security, discussion of politics, even some stuff about religion. Of course, 90% of the articles consist of:
- Poorly written "instructions" on how to make bombs that will in all likelihood get you killed or arrested without doing any actual damage
- Pornography
- Long tirades about crap that people don't like
- Stuff accusing Jesus/Allah/Budda/etc of being a stoner/gay/enlightened/etc
- Links to pornography
- HAI TO YOU!
- Endless outdated phone "hacking" techniques
- How to get high off raid and many other household items
- The 100th revision of the The Anarchist Cookbook textfile
- Other useless, obsolete, pointless information.
However, totse isn't all about text-files, there is a fairly large forum with over 9000 registered users, most of which are spam accounts & sock puppets used to harass the oppressive moderators. Totse was created by Jeff Hunter who does not really run the site at all, instead he shows up once every couple of years to get drunk and vomit all over the servers causing the occasional downtime, leaving his tweaked out moderators to deal with the mess.
Contents |
[edit] Orientation Video
An accurate video regarding totse.
[edit] Totse Forums
[edit] Spurious Generalities
What used to be a gathering ground for emotionally damaged Ethical Hackers, SG over the years has become a massive chatroom for morons to bitch excessively about how much they hate the moderators for locking their retarded topics, and other typical teenage problems. If that wasn't bad enough, fail has received an upgrade thanks to SG being overrun by the same The Cancer That Is Killing /b/: Clueless newfags thinking that overusing old memes and image macros is the most hilarious thing in the world. Spurious should be avoided at all costs, unless you actually want to reverse the effects of puberty. Breeding point of MR HAI.
[edit] Better Living Through Chemistry
This is your typical drug forum consisting mostly of kids drinking whatever they can find under the sink to get a buzz. The one difference with this one is that this is the recruiting grounds for most of the totse moderators. The job description for moderators on totse requires them to take more pills and illicit substances than ripper to stay constantly awake to handle the tidal wave of teenage lunacy that totse's userbase deals out.
[edit] Sex and Affection
![Xippili and Tsunami [married].](/web/20080116051940/http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Image:Typical_totseans.JPG)
- Alright, theres a highlighter stuck in my ass
- Omg this girl likes me! WHAT DO I DO?
- If I wait 6 months do I get my virginity back?
- I had sex with this guy, and now I regret it.... can I charge him for raping me?
- If I don't lose my virginity by 15 should I get a hooker or kill myself?
- im 14 and my penis is 17inches long (im not lying...NOT LYING!)... will this be enough to satisfy my potential girlfriend?
A very common and very touchy subject among the massive angsty teenage male population, is the whole self-proclaimed "Nice Guys" misogynistic rant about how apparently all women are whores because they don't want to be near whiny repulsive stalkers.
[edit] Weapons and Combat
Rednecks whining that the government are nazis because they won't let them own armour-piercing-highexplosive-depleted-uranium-120mm 600 round per minute machine guns with a personal 300 kiloton hydrogen bomb launcher. The other half of the members are wapanese who have watched Kill Bill one too many times and buy shitty 50$ samurai swords; preaching this bullshit rhetoric that they have some kind of honor and can deflect bullets.
[edit] Backyard Ballistics
Also known as the "bomb making forum", backyard ballistics is where wannabe terrorists and pyros learn how to make explosives out of everything from peanut butter, to dipping your genitals in nitric acid. To become popular here, post topics about the informative knowledge of the "The Anarchist Cookbook" that you learned from bombshock. Saying bomb here apparently results in a IRL B&
[edit] Moving Pictures
There are only four types of topics here:
- Pulp Fiction quotes
- Donnie Darko discussion
- Fight Club discussion
- Dead Nigger Storage
[edit] Half Baked
Half Baked is Spurious Generality's intelligent yet retarded brother. It consists of a small community made up of MILFs, niggers, emos, women, gay people and some respectable posters. You have to experience Half Baked for a long time in order to like it IE: until you contract violent retardation. Half Baked is the pain in totse's ass. HB'ers are responsible for having the rep system disabled and the majority of totse's trolls are HB'ers Also: Green Latern is no longer like a dick without wings. EDIT: Yes he is!
[edit] Bitch And Moan
This is the parasitic twin of half baked, that just happens to have AIDS.
[edit] Forum Functions:
The Totse forums used to run on a 75 year old BBS scripted in notepad that had been beaten, disemboweled, raped, and looked like Windows™ 3.1. Since it was so old, many users abused one of a million loopholes which allowed them to stretch the pages as wide as the goatse man's anus. Another drawback was that there could only be a maximum of 4 moderators per forum; this had driven most of them to the brink of insanity, and many are known to have taken massive amounts of crystal meth just to handle the job. However, as of the 4th of April 2007, at 07:18 UTC, the old BBS was replaced with a shiny new, but homosexual VBB system, in a massive revolution of clusterfuck.
[edit] Rep System
A short-lived feature that allowed one to have a graphical representation of their e-penises to show off to one another. This ill-fated feature was exploited and gang-raped until it drowned in an e-Bukkake.
[edit] Flood Control
Sometime a few years ago, Jeff was getting sick of people flooding the boards with scat porn, and making worthless posts to inflate their e-penis (post count in this case); so he decided to place a essential device called Flood Control. Basically, whenever some asshole decides to post a topic immediately after another, it stops them from posting for 63 seconds. Not bad eh? Only problem is that a large chunk of totse members cannot grasp the oh-so-simple concept that a BBS is not a fucking instant messenger. People still to this day bitch about how 63 seconds is just too long to wait. Amazing isn't it? But then again, one should never underestimate the violent stupidity of the teenage mind. Since it's placement, flood control has kept totse from spiraling into complete faggotry. It should also be noted that both New Orleans and Atlantis could have benefited from flood control.
[edit] Memes
Over the years the totse forums had 3 main memes before being completely overrun by the INTERNET HATE MACHINE. These included:
- Huff Raid: Quite possible totses biggest meme due to the fact that it is a part of a fairly lulzy forum event. Sometime in 2002~3 or so, a kid went in "Better Living Though Chemistry" and asked the typical "How do I get high off of household materials?". It is said that member "pennylane" as a joke told the kid to huff raid bugspray. Surprisingly the gullible moron fell for it and said he would try it. A day or so later the kids account made a post that was titled to be from his mother, claiming that he was in the hospital. The forum members told her how stupid she was, told her to Gb2/Kitchen, and other insults to which she replied "I will get all of your IP's and you are all going to jail for this". It is not sure what ever happened or if it was just a troll, but the story lived on to become a meme on the forums.
- Murder/Suicide: Totse members usually hemmorage angst on a daily basis causing them to post long boring emo rants that lack spelling or maturity. Murder/Suicide became the most appropriate answer to any of these kids problems. Very similar to the TITS OR GTFO mauver, that will either make the guy shut up or become an hero.
- Molitov Everything: Another response to solves ones problems.
- SCEEEEEAAAAAAW:Some faggot once made a thread about what it would be like to ride around on pterodactyls instead of cars, and this is what totse had to say: SCEEEEEAAAAAAW
[edit] Forum Drama
[edit] 7/7 London bombings
On the day of 7/7 2005, terrorists exploded a bus and people in the underground. Like any tragedy, people would discuss and bawwww in the forums except for one guy who decided to do his own "tribute" mere hours after it happened:
| “ | I have to take a shower in a bit, I'd have done it earlier but my dad was about to get up to get ready. So I decided to kill some time and emulate the recent London bus explosion in some good ol' Garrys Mod 8.3b
The bus bum (lol black dood with a 40 in his hand LAWL): http://tinyurl.com/d2uhe G-Man enjoys floating in mid-air in his crazy jumpkick position: http://tinyurl.com/cw95z Crazy local zombie torso, always trying to bite peoples heads off. Oh zombie, you card: http://tinyurl.com/coweq Lower seats: http://tinyurl.com/898sn Montage, full bus: http://tinyurl.com/dy3bg Oh noes! Bomb under the seat (I know it wasn't in the earlier shots, sorry): http://tinyurl.com/9nmz4 OH FUCK OH SHIT OH GOD NO IT HAPPENED: http://tinyurl.com/cctov OH FUCK OH SHIT IT CONTINUES TO BE HAPPENING: http://tinyurl.com/a5vzc Aftermath 1: http://tinyurl.com/brlvz Seared & charred: http://tinyurl.com/7j837 OH GOD G-MAN NO: http://tinyurl.com/9ztjy Fin. PS no this does not belong in GPP. Go away. | „ |
| —Cybernetico doing it for the lulz | ||
Using Garrys Mod like this was a lulz manuver like no other and the thread only lasted a short time before mounting butthurt caused the mods to delete the thread forever. Fortunately the lulz was saved from the UBB monster by an EDiot:
 The thread in all its glory |
August, 2007. Totse Supermod MomentaryLapseOfReason decided to have a conversation with a female totsean. She chatted with him for a good long while, and afterwards sent the chatlogs to another user, who sent them to another, and another.
MLOR thought that his cyber-mate was too pure to share their intimate chats. This thought in his mind, he assumed the leak of their convo was due to 1337 hax, and promptly contacted the Department of Homeland Security.
<braunschweigervagina> hello <MLoR> Hey thought you should know, that account was linked to my DHS account <MLoR> They've been informed <braunschweigervagina> ok <braunschweigervagina> but why? <MLoR> :) <braunschweigervagina> it's not like i hacked or anything <MLoR> Because, you've now interfered with Federal Emergency Response Communications.
Now at first when these logs were released everyone knew MLoR was batshit insane, but all the old totse mods were afraid to confront him and thought it would blow over. Around 40 people were banned just for being associated with the leaker of the original logs, most of which were completely justified.
Fast Forward to November, and the mods have taken enough shit. The realization that MLoR is batshit_insane has hit them and they've taken enough. MLoR is finally de-supermodded and fucktards who dont have a clue as to what's going on made threads supporting MLoR. There's no censorship going on here
The only thing our dear beloved MLoR left us before being banned is an archive of the great but secret Mods and Admins forum. You will find the archive link below.
- Last thursday Spurious Generalities had a moderator rotation that included a long time member yoyobek. Just like Wintermute, this particular member just so happened to be of the hated female gender, drawing the ire and wrath of the totse majority once again. Although she wasn't a full administrator she was constantly bitched and whined at for every "infraction point" given and each thread she had closed. Apparently on totse people take their posts so seriously that they liken a closed topic as an assault on their human rights, and making contrasts between her actions and hitlers instead of shrugging it of like any sane person would.
This was an exact repeat of the Wintermute incident, only this time the userbase actually broke the record for making a female member resign their moderator status due to the constant whining and violent faggotry.
Which all goes to prove how the userbase of totse does not learn from their failures, but rather improves on their failures.
- In the last few months that TOTSE was running Ultimate Bulletin Board, a skiddie, who found a security vulnerability (through google most likely) in UBB which allowed him to steal passwords, gained the password to moderator, Metaphysicist's account. The "hacker" spammed the board until he got sick of it and posted the password. The password was saved by another good-willed totsean and everything was A-OK.
A few weeks later, a list of about 100 TOTSE passwords was posted in Network Security and Hacking. Fortunately, O RLY and Juke_box_hero were able to salvage nearly every account and alert administrator, acidmelt.
- February 2007 After a long-time moderator, Metaphysicist was rotated into Spurious Generalities and enforced some basic posting rules. People soon realized they couldn't get away with their bullshit threads and threw a hissy fit. One member to do this was moderator, fullcircle, who has decided the Internet is such serious business and claimed that he was gonna leave. Fullcircle stood up for the spoiled retards who thought that having their shit 1 line posts deleted was a violation of their internets freedums. However, this was to no avail. A few hours after it was declared that fullcircle was leaving, every butthurt teenager decided to spam the boards in the name of faggotry.
- November 29, 2006 Totse trolled Live Prayer with Bill Keller. Most of these trolling attempts were extremely lame "Bel-Air" prank calls. Too bad the morons of totse haven't realized that Bel air is an Old meme taken from 4chan. The crazy Christian then threatened a Legal action, which made the regulars "ZOMG!". Warweed experiencing severe troll's remorse, then apologized to Bill Keller, and Bill Keller apologized to all of totse. The end.
Bill Keller legal threat video. OH NOES TOTSE! HE'S GOT YOUR NUMBERS NOW!LOL DELETED.
- December 2005 - Early 2006 Totse's server "fried and died" as Jeff Hunter put it. In reality he accidentally dropped his cat into the server equipment; shredding it into meat paste via the cooling fans. Totse was down for about three months while it was being fixed, causing many legendary members to finally give up the destructive habit of Totse. This also drove many of the teenage members to the brink of insanity, and caused many members to create their own shit forums as a temporary replacement.
- Sometime in 2003-4 Wintermute, a longtime moderator was granted admin status at the same time as Zok.... the only problem was, she is a girl IRL. The entire totse population was thrown into utter chaos. Wintermute castrated over half of the users e-penises when they posted their whiny objections about her gender. She also upped flood control to 300 seconds, causing the fucktard population to writhe in pain. The totse elite would not stand for this..... "a girl in an authority position? NO WAY! not on my totse!" they sneered. The drama came to a boiling point when they obtained naked pics of her and spammed it everywhere with clevar tactics such as the use of the word "WHORE" in their posts, while ironically fapping to the woman that they hated so much. Since Wintermute was the only mod who was not a drug abuser, she eventually ran out of patience. Being bored of working far too hard for a juvenile and whiny unappreciative userbase, she decided to take early retirement(deported). The totse elite rejoiced... they proved that as well as in real life, they could scare a girl away even on the internet; thus, sealing their virginity forever.
Butthurt pussies still bitch about her "reign of terror".
- In early 2002, the SPF (Stile Project Forum) went down, causing it's members to invade totse. They spammed goatse and other shock images, hundreds of times throughout the various totse forums, full blown with the IMG tags (that were unrestricted at the time). The totse admins removed the IMG tags as a result. TERRORISTS WIN.
- In late 2001 some fuckwit teenager actually read one of the textfiles on totse, causing his legs to spontaneously explode. He called the internet police and had them put a lockdown on the entire "Bad Ideas" textfile section for several months. Jeff Hunter later put the section back online because hearing the cries of dying children is the only way he can get off.
[edit] Forum Warfare
In the days before the existence of YTMND & 4chan (who later became enemies), totse was on their own. Their shitty software was prone to attacks such as the SPF raid. The totse basement-dwelling elite found a solution to their problems: TOTSE ARMY. The totse army was a group of hackers and skript kiddies who would stand up against totses enemies; executing massive spam attacks against their forums. They were basically a form of internet military. The first targets in their career was the long time rivals bombshock after some idiot from there came to totse with the sole intent of trolling the shit out of the place.
Now though, the long redundant army may be coming back; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WasQkSgIcvM
Also; http://www.bebo.com/JeffH795
When they got bored they decided to do forum raids against random communities (much like 4chan's /b/). Things went well until they decided to attack the "The Lord of the Rings Fanatics Plaza". After the army finished raping and goatseing the shit out of the place, the forum dwellers called Jeff Hunter and threatened legal action. For the first time in at least 100 years Jeff Hunter actually posted on the forums and basically told everyone to knock it the fuck off. He then pulled out his massive cock shaped banhammer and sodomized the totse army. The totse army is still around, but has moved to drawball. Totse once tried to make a gigantic "TOTSE" banner on drawball last year however, they were all too damn stupid to organize their efforts resulting in 2 crappy banners that got thoroughly pwned by the Koreans.
[edit] Media Controversy
The media often does specials on totse due to the fact that any searches from "how to make a bomb with household items" to "how do I lose my virginity to my sister" will turn up totse as the first and most relevant search. About a few years ago, the Canadian media blamed totse for turning all of Kamloops, British Columbia into a gigantic meth lab. As of recently the Canucks are back at it again with totse being shown on CTV citing that totse turned 17 ordinary white Canadian citizens in Ontario into full blown mulsim extremists.
Australian media also blames totse for being the most sophisticated online terrorist training ground in the world, and features a pic of a totse user on their "National Security Information Campaign" poster. PROTIP: Look closely at the outdoor PDF.
As of Friday 27th October 2006, some totse member hacked a parking lot sign in a perfect example of Shameless self promotion, causing lulz among morning drivers. [2] [3]
November 2nd, 2007, Chollier County, FL sheriff's department circulates a memo about a new drug, Jenkem. Local news gets ahold of this lolcow and shows just how stupid old media really is. The video includes pix of Pickwick and his wonderful creation with TOTSE clearly visible on the container. Story Here.
[edit] IRC channel
Totse has its own IRC channel (#totse) that at first glance it's contents are rather identical to Half Baked and Bitch & Moan only now in real time!
[edit] Gallery
 KILL YOURSELF LOL |
 A typical SG Thread |
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[edit] Famous totse.com Members
[edit] See Also
- Text files
- Ascii art
- Anarchy
- The Anarchist Cookbook
- Cult of the Dead Cow
- The TOTSE Brisbane Meetup Jan '08
- Paladin-Press
- Bombshock
- RottenEggs
- Pyro
[edit] Things That Rhyme with Totse
[edit] External Links
- Totse
- Totse users show that they are still 1337 HaXorZ
- Naked Wintermute pics
- An accurate flash video about Jeff Hunter
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Totse is part of a series on Acronyms. |
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