Alcohol
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Alcohol is considered "frikkin' awesome" by many people. When drinking Alcohol or under effects of Alcohol and using a computer, be sure to refer to Alcohol as Alcoholol.
Sometimes the mind needs a little unhinging, something to help all the synapses fire at once. Certainly, the correlation between boozing it up and the creation of great literature is a time-tested truism: just ask Dylan Thomas, Edgar Allan Poe, or Ann Coulter, though it did help pwn the former two.
The fact of one's insobriety is an excellent reason (all may agree) to post to your favorite blog, BBS, or message board. You hit your stride, your muse sticks her tongue straight into your ear, all your arguments are unassailable, everybody loves you, and your directionless passion explodes in the forensic equivalent of Great Solar Stance kung-fu. Then you go to bed and, when you wake up, you've been transported to a parallel Bizarro-universe where actually you sounded like an ass and every loveless dweeb is calling you on it. Also you might vomit.
By this mystical, counter-intuitive path it may be supposed that some drama results. Do not blame the alcohol, however; blame the mortal vessel too weak to refract its blinding genius into an intense, coherent beam. And, by all means, have some more.
Alcoholics make good mods on hogville.net and bantown.
Contents |
[edit] Types of Alcohol
[edit] Vodka
Vodka is the staple food and drink of Russia. Today vodka is made from grains, but originally it was made from "potatoes"*. The invention of vodka probably went something like this:
Alyoshinka: Uncle Vlad! The house is snowed in to the rooftop, there's three months of winter left and we have run out of mead!
Uncle Vlad: That's okay, we can brew more alcohol in my bath-tub.
Alyoshinka: But what can we make it out of? There's no food left but potatoes!
Uncle Vlad: Eh, that'll do.
Today there are millions of flavored vodkas, ranging from sour apple to fig. Martinis, which were once a gin based drink, are now days made with these flavored vodkas.
The amount of money spent yearly on Russian vodka by Alex-jon is enough to fund a forthcoming invasion of Alaska.
_______
(*) Russians sailed off to America centuries before Columbus, because they had to find and bring the above-mentioned potatoes to the Old World. To make potato vodka!
[edit] Whiskey
Made from grains, this stuff is really good for you -- especially the whiskey in plastic "traveler" bottles that cost less than 10 dollars. They usually have names like Ten High, or Old Crow, and drinking one of those in a night is a sure way to wake up in jail the next morning. There is American whiskey (aka Bourbon), Canadian whiskey, Irish whiskey and Scotch whisky (note the missing e; a testament to the reputation of the Scotts being somewhat stingy).
[edit] Rum
Rum was the lifeblood of pirates in the 17th century until everyone started watering it down(which is then called grog) and adding gay-ass fruits and shit to prevent scurvy. Because of this, all the pirates died from lack of rum.
There are four kinds of rum: light, dark, spiced, and faggot. Light rum is for mixing, dark is for cooking, spiced does just fine on its own, and faggot is tarnished with coconuts, pineapples, and all sorts of other fruity flavorings for total pussies who can't handle the real shit.
Rum is also what angels blood is made out of.... lol i iz fukken hammered right nOW
[edit] Beer
Beer primarily contains malted barley, hops, water, yeast, and in the case of most American beers, piss. The exception to this rule is the 40 oz. bottles of high gravity malt liquor, which is only enjoyed by niggers, hobos, and punks because it tastes so horrible. Still, when you can get pissed for only $2 (or $6 if you aren't a total pussy), it's worth it. It takes a significant amount of beer to get you drunk, as opposed to liquor, which is considered by some to be quicker. Beer is never bought, only tapped for rental directly from urinals where better alcohol is excreted by those whose blood alcohol level has redlined.
[edit] Wine
Wine is the beverage that appeals to the extreme high end and extreme low end of alcoholism.
If you are a rich wino, you will probably drink something called Carte Poulet from Burgundy france. You'll probably smell it, swish it around, and declare your that it is dry with just a hint of alabaster voyeurism. Sure, you'll get pissed, but you'll get pissed in style. And everyone will admire you for it.
If you are a the real deal hobo, you won't be so picky. You'll go for something that blasts you out of your tank and leaves you a gaping mess. For that, you'll need to find a brand with a name like Night Train or MD 20/20. Make sure that it comes in a flavour for its hallucinogenic additives. We here at Encyclopedia Dramatica recommend ginseng. For a guide on which hobo beverage performs best, visit BUMWINE.COM.
Countries with large supplies of wine, for example France, have plenty of goon. Because too many losers made their own wine farms back in the 90s, there is now an oversupply. What to do with all this shit? Well the only thing the growers can do is sell it all off cheap. And the liquor stores buy it. Consequently you can buy a nice bottle of goon for as little as US$1.10. A typical example of this is the wine Gato Negro, or "Nigger Cat" from Chile. Grapes grow wild by the roadside, so every Tom, Dick and Harry makes wine. The result is this slosh that the Chileans themselves wouldn't touch with your dick and their dog's ass pushing. Instead, they up their country's GNP by putting this piss into bottles and exporting it just as fast as they can. The result is the sound of thousands of Chileans laughing at the ignorant gringos who are paying upwards of $14 to $18 per litre bottle of this pig piss, while any Chilean without scruples, honour or taste can buy a gallon jug of it for a mere $1.
WINE, on the other hand, is used by Linux n00bs who are still reluctantly clinging to Windows, and are too elitist to dual-boot.
[edit] Alcolol
Sometimes you get really drunk and the various fluids you may have been drinking transcend their initial physical limitations to become ALCOLOL. At least 100 years ago, countless alchemists attempted to discover a viable formula for turning alcohol into alcolol. Upon drinking large amounts of alcolol, the next morning you decide that you are never drinking again.
[edit] Rubbing
Application of rubbing alcohol to the contacts of video games are much more efficient than the blowing method that makes you look like you love teh cock. Also used to sanitize wounds. When ingested, even sensibly, it could kill you faster than driving a Maserati through an Ohio Taco Bell.
[edit] Mouthwash
This is for when you're so degenerate that even a 5 dollar fifth of importers vodka is breaking your buck. It is a known fact that listerine is about 40% alcohol, which means it's just as good as whiskey. You can tell when someone is drunk off of mouthwash because of the smell, and the stuff is so toxic that the drunk will be extra fucked up. This is the favorite drink of bums that play George Thoroughgood songs on harmonica.
[edit] Driving
It is a scientifically-proven fact that alcohol makes you a better driver. Driving while drunk not only makes you cool, but makes you safe because the alcohol relaxes your body and prevents you from making dumb, impulsive decisions like slowing down in school zones and using the blinker. If your friends tell you not to drive home when you are drunk, do not listen to them. They are just trying to keep you from looking cool and impressing all the girls because they want all the action to themselves. Besides when you drive drunk you can totally impress all the guys with a "Dude I got so fucking wasted man...I found this drunk girl passed out...and I stuck my finger in her pussy and then she like moved in shit...i think she liked it...and then i wanted to go home...I fucking was driving...and it was like spinnin' and shit...I was driving so fucking fast...HURRRRRRRR" instead of you're boring old "Dude I just got wasted and fucked this one broad and like I woke up...the next day..." story. A little known legal loophole prevents suspects in criminal investigations from being held legally responsible for their actions if they can prove that they were under the influence of alcohol at the time of the offense.
[edit] Family Life
The influence of alcohol in the family has given family members things to bind relationships with each other since the dawn of time. Several scientific studies indicate alcohol is as important to family life as religion, values, or any other family binding activity. It is customary in the western hemisphere for the adult alpha male (father) to engage in routine visits to an establishment of social drinking commonly known as a "bar". After the alpha male has become drunk beyond all reasonable doubt, he makes his trip home to the best of his ability dodging police, sides of roads, and stoplights. After he has arrived to his home, he then sets his family straight, and tells them how it is and how it is going to be. He often does this for the lulz. At this time it is customary for the lower on the chain, wife and children to then burst out with obscenities toward the alpha male reminding him that he is drunk and he is full of fail. With repetition on a daily basis it is almost a given the family will prosper in a healthy fashion.
