If you haven't looked at ED:LULZ in a while, now is a great time to catch up.
France
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The intrinsically evil home of the cowardly French, France has a long history of allowing Nazis to set up puppet governments. The French under Napoleon III presented the United States with the Statue of Liberty -- an intended trojan horse ambush gone wrong. The vast majority of French men are sex addicts, in the closet and/or socialists. France is most famous for inventing the hairy armpit on women.
Contents |
[edit] Things the french do best
- A.) Act like pussies
- B.) Forget to shave armpits/pubic areas
- C.) The only country to use the white flag as their national war flag
- D.) Drink mass amounts of wine
- E.) Constant smoking of cigarettes
- F.) Bitch about Americans & British constantly
[edit] Demographics
France should be entirely inhabited by Bohemian douchebags, however due to former colonialist ambitions, a growing percentage of the populace is poor, muslim and pregnant. They all live either in Paris as existentialists or in the countryside as peasants.
[edit] Culture
France has suffered quietly under the tyranny of an arcane, outdated language, which only the elderly snobs of Mésnilmontant bothered to speak. Eventually, the French started using condoms and stopped having children. Now, the most spoken language in France is Arabic.
Once known as Gaul, the French retaliated against their former Roman tyrants, and introduced cuisine based on butter and cream onto Europe, rather than the ancient "olive oil and anything" Roman dining habit. But then evolution got its hand on that matter and replaced Cuisine with Döner Kebab related food.
Frenchies loved being called "Froggies," because of their habit of eating the legs of frogs. That's right, frogs. French men are all anorexic, have tiny, oiled mustaches, and are called Pierre. Frenchwomen are superior to American women in every way, except for the armpit hair.
Even though the Freedom language has been decreasing over the years, it will soon rise again in foreign countries thanks to an ever-growing underground network. However, the fact still remains that nobody on Earth can understand French people. Many French have attempted to speak English, but it was garbled nonsense and sounded like they were chewing on a dick. Ebonics is a direct descendent of this language.
[edit] Sport
France suck at sports, as to be expected with a nation of surrender monkeys. However, the French soccer team did manage to win the World Cup in 1998, causing much butthurt to the Brazilian team which at the time consisted of Ronaldo + 10. At rugby, French zionists managed to create the ultimate
[edit] Iraqi War - the good thing
When Iraq got pwned by Americans first time, Hussein got all butthurt about it, and wanted France to protect him against the evil Americans. All oil contracts in the country were awarded to France. In exchange, France started bugging the World about how evil USA and Israel were. In 2003, Americans finally got enough of that crap, and pwnded Iraq the second time.
The good thing is that now the French didn't have to pretend to like Arabs and dislike US and Israel. So they started by electrocuting an Arab and a nigger a in transformer box and then picked a pro-American half-Jew as their President.
[edit] History
The origins of France are lost in a sea of incest, cunnilingus, red wine and nuclear testing. They have spent their entirety of existence being the bitches of various empires throughout history.
[edit] Empires that have pwned France
- Rome
- The Francs
- Italy
- England
- England again
- England
- England
- and not forgetting England
- the Vikings
- Russia
- Germany
- North Africa
- Vietnam
- United States Postal Service Pro Cycling team
- France
- David Hasselhoff
- Your Mom
- England
Modern archaeology has proven that pre-Roman France was a swampland. Remnants of this swamp-dwelling race can be seen in their practice of eating snails and frogs.
In the days of the Roman Empire, local French tribes cried and begged the Romans not to hurt them. Alas, due to their hatred of those silly 'hats' and Sartre, the Romans did hurt them.
The Vikings managed to randomly conquer Northern France, calling it Normandy, after the French were once again taken completely by surprise. This only added insult to injury in their long and illustrious history of getting their asses kicked by everyone evar.
During World War I, which is important, the French were getting their asses kicked and only managed to hold off Germany to a stalemate with the help of grey poupon gas, cows, and of course the English. Any tall men that were left in France got pwned by the Krauts machine guns. Then the United States came in and saved the short ones, at the last possible moment - just like America has in every other important war to date. The reasoning behind this is to ensure that the USA has picked the winning side, and will be a hero. The only reason the French still bitch about Americans is cus':
- They have nothing better to do
- They are too Pussy to bitch about the Nazis, Germany being too close.
- They did it for the lulz, but as it's France, nobody laughs
In World War II, France was conquered entirely in 10 minutes by the Nazis. The French cried again and Hitler, embarrassed by their tears, let them have a little bit of land for themselves. Despite this, the French still think they are better than the English.
[edit] Empires that the French have slightly interrupted
- Italy
- England
- China
- Germany
- Algerian women
- Ivory Coast
- 1/3 of Africa
- Babies
- Anime fgts
- Not Normandy
- French
- (Afghanistan ?)
Actually everyone just lets them win. It's like when you feel bad in a race when you see a one legged kid. (You let him win)
A long time ago Charlemagne, the only manly Frenchman who ever lived (aside from Charles Martel, who defeated the Moors at Tours and prevented white people from worshiping Mohammed), conquered a bunch of Europe and fathered all of the sad liberal who would run the lands there and pester the world forever. And yes, if you're white, you're descended from a French dude.
The French only managed to "beat" England in one war. This was because they had a really scary Feminazi named Joan of Arc who was repeatedly almost raped. The English decided that France was boring anyway after they'd had fun there for like, 100 years, and then left back to their own gray, shit, rainy country. Not before burning Joan of Arc for being an Otherkin lesbian.
When the French attempt to pwn any country whatsoever, they inevitably fail. The closest to succeeding in this respect was when they blew up some crappy Greenpeace boat in New Zealand for protesting their use of nuclear testing on small fluffy animals. The bombs were labeled "Made in France" so the perpetrators were caught in about 10 minutes and then promptly raped in the ass in the worst prison the government could possibly find. This resulted in one casualty for New Zealand and 20+ years of shame, embarrassment and possibly butthurt for France. So therefore it was totally worth it.
[edit] Napoleon
Then he tried to conquer Russia, who had successfully trolled him on Slashdot the week before, but the Commies simply burnt all the cheese in a tactical withdrawal. The herpes-ridden dwarf was enraged to find only nachos in Moscow when it was cold as fuck. Then Tatu kicked his ass.
Napoleon's empire collapsed after the battle of Waterloo after getting pwned by the English (yet again). Incidently, it is also the Swedish town that ABBA hail from.
[edit] Liars
The French like to think they invented democracy and philosophy, but this is a lie bred by their lust for fame and respect. In fact, the American George Washington invented freedom at least 100 years ago. Before that point freedom did not exist and anyone who claimed to be free was lying.
They only invented Algiers which, in turn, invented Albert Camus. Albert Camus was their Messiah, and they killed him in a car accident just as they killed Jesus.
The French are currently slaves to Communists and Muslims, and they hate America.
[edit] Economy
They still haggle to this day using various sized stones and trinkets. Their fixation on these things is what got them to help the United States in their fight with Indians, and later England.
[edit] Politics
The result of the 2007 Presidential elections:
- The current French president, Nicolas Sarkosy, is a Jew. Which now means that every country in the world apart from China is run by filthy Jew bastards.
[edit] French pastimes
The French have many pastimes which the rest of the world couldn't possibly care less about, including:
- Bicycle Riding to the death
- Mustache Waxing to the death
- Cheese Making to the death
- Wine Drinking to the death
- Bread Purchasing to the death
- Bicycle Waxing to the death
- Mustache Riding to the death
- Planting Flowers as defense against terrorism to the death
- Screwing your sister to the death
- Hating America to the death
- Burning effigies of American politicians and celebrities to the death
- Watching the Elderly Die in a Heatwave to the death
- Laughing Through Their Nose to the death
- Acting Rude to Retards to the death
- Throwing Tear Gas Into Mosques to the death
- Eating Frog Legs to the death
- Hating America to the death
- Head-butting Italians and losing the World Cup to the death
- Losing in general to the death
- Getting owned by the English to the death
- Losing wars to the death
- Lying and cheating, especially when its comes to the European Union to the death
- Corruption, bribery, nepotism and general Olympic Standard two-facedness to the death
- Cooking and eating the parts of animals most of the rest of the planet throw away as far too disgusting to the death
- Torpedoing Greenpeace to the death
[edit] Ways to troll Frenchmen in Paris
Warning: This sections fails at teh gramer. Please to be making sound it better.
- Attack a subway train driver. The labor union will start a week long strike, paralyzing the entire city in order to get extra security. Best done just before taking the plane to leave the country.
- Speak loudly in English about how dumb French are.
- If anyone tries to talk to you in English, laugh at their crappy accent.
- Go to any subway station (choose a big one) and leave a large suitcase somewhere. Then warn the staff. Two hours later (after the coffee break) the whole area will sealed of for security reasons.
- Point at various groups of Frenchman and take pictures of them with your camera. Laugh as if you were looking a group of particularly dumb group of retards.
- At rush hour in the transports, when everyone is pushing to get into the wagon and just before the door closes, give a big shove at the last person who got in. You won't see it, but intense and short-range drama will ensue until the next station.
- A variant when you are in a busy wagon. Reach and fondle the ass of a woman as far as possible from you. If you can the said woman should be in front of a fat man. Watch and laugh as drama ensures.
- Deposit dog shit in front of doors and subway exits. Watch as Parisians deftly avoid them and tourists walk on them and become red with anger. Often they will bump into others cause a chain-drama.
- Commit suicide on any of the subway lines or the the Paris ring road. Results guaranteed, at least 9000 people pissed!
- Say that Luke Besson makes awesome movies.
- Find 5 other people and set up a demonstration about anything. Warn the police. 2000 cops will be dispatched to block half of the fucking town to let you demonstrate.
- Find any of the squares and shoot the pigeons. You will piss off old people that will swear at you in backwater French.
- If in a traffic jam, start hooting. Soon enough, every other Frenchman will be hooting. Whether they do it simply by retarded mimicry or to stop the others from hooting depends on how retarded the Frenchman in question is.
- The ultimate form of trolling at a public transport station is to block the exits by attempting to get in that way. The doors will close trapping the toad-eater inside.
- (women only) Make sure to tell everyone within 5 miles of the Eiffel Tower about how it is a chauvinist piece of crap phallus symbol and does not represent French ingenuity but rather their tiny dicks.
[edit] See Also
[edit] External links
List of French military victories
French faggots playing Boney M music on the bagpipe. In a supermarket. WTF.
French porn that has evaded the youtube mods, one of the nation's greatest accomplishments.
