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From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Masturbation is having sex without a partner. The computer does not count as a partner. Masturbation is the only reason why the internet exists.

Contents 1 History 2 Wikipedia Masturbation 3 Masturbation in Society 3.1 Techniques 4 Masturbation Personalities 5 Maturbation in relation to God 6 Slang 6.1 Male Terms 6.2 Female Terms 7 Health Risks 7.1 Myths 8 Gallery 9 Videos 9.1 For the Furries 10 See also 11 Related Links

[edit] History

• Over 9000 years ago:

Sex was invented by the Greeks, who used their newfound powers to sodomize 13 year old boys. Sex for Beginners (or "fapping") was first discovered by Pan, the Greek half-man, half-goat God. It came as no surprise whatsoever that a furry was the first to discover masturbation.

Genghis Khan jacks off and cums on the faces of the losing armies general, thus creating the Mongolian Mud Facial.

• The Baroque Era:

Suddenly fat chicks become popular. It is well known that fat chicks give great head and have no gag reflex. Unless they happen to be dykes.

• LOL Internets:

The recent surge in masturbation was discovered by Adam Rothra sometime in 1996 while he was attempting to find something to have sex with. Since then masturbation has been practiced by you, teens, rolemodels, milkmen, and catholics everywhere. Masturbation 2.0, or autoerotic asphyxiation, was introduced shortly thereafter.

[edit] Wikipedia Masturbation

Choking the chicken, so says Wikipedia[1] (in the small non-boring part of that entry). When not on LiveJournal, LJ Users are usually masturbating to furry pornography. Wikipedia is good with it. The queen bitch of wikipedia masturbators is Luna Santin who teaches all new administrators how to suck dick and eat dirty pussy, the bitch is top dog when it comes to that. This lunatic is exalted wiki bitch masturbating queen. Her job is to masturbate and teach how the losers how to masturbate[2] all the administrators at the annual Wikipedo festival.

[edit] Masturbation in Society

Masturbation is still a touchy subject in the public sector. Bill Clinton's first choice for Surgeon General, Joyce Carol Oates the Elder, advocated the teaching of masturbation to school children by specialist volunteers. President Clinton fearing that self-sexually-satisfied interns would have no need or desire for his southern hospitality promptly relocated her to Bantown.

As an act of protest she formed a soft rock band with her life partner Daryl Hall and recorded the song Maneater to publicize the real reason for her forced relocation. The Republicans, having sympathy for this poor black woman, retaliated by impeaching Clinton.

Oates also sued in civil court and won, resulting in Clinton being forced to sell all his property to pay for the judgment and thus having to move to Harlem. In fear that his penis would be taken and sold off at government auction, he had it surgically removed and given to a trustworthy individual for safe keeping until the whole thing blew over. His penis was last rumored to be living in New York and thinking of running for president.

[edit] Techniques

[edit] Masturbation Personalities

• Masturbation Fundamentalist - The fundamentalist masturbates simply to get it over and done with when the sexual tension builds up to an irritating level. With a few exceptions, they've always masturbated the same exact way since puberty.
• Masturbation Hobbyist - The hobbyist masturbates to experiment with new and different techniques that range from
  basic masturbation to bizarre methods. They like to continue masturbating throughout their life even if they have a great sexual relationship with their partner, husband, or wife. They have been even known to sometimes engage in or fantasize about jerking off with their friend and/or possibly getting together with a group of people for a "circle jerk" (male group) or a "circle jill" (female group).
• Masturbation Connoisseur - The connoisseur is a highly educated masturbator that searches far and wide for the finest and most exquisite ways to beat their tenderloin meat. They may travel world by themselves or with their favorite fellow masturbation enthusiast. Often they are members of exclusive clubs that charge a cover fee to sit around and wank off together while listing to music or watching some type of erotica. They believe masturbation is a science and an art, therefore many are qualified to teach PhD level courses in Hand Made Pleasure.
• Masturbation Daredevil - The daredevil thinks they are creative, but often just they end up embarrassed, arrested, or dead. These tend to be the people you hear about who hang themselves or tie plastic bags around their head in a pathetic effort to mimic autoerotic asphyxiation. They are also the ones you read about in the newspaper that get caught pulling off in public parks or movie theaters. Sometimes they idolize who they claim is the only "true masturbation hero", Mr. Pee Wee Herman.
• Lunarsandwich - a category of his own- the universe's best goat masturbator.
• Danger Wanking - The Danger Wanker has possibly the most lulziest ideas out of all the Wanker catogories. This Wanker lies in his bed, starts wanking, and then shouts "MUUUUMMMM! COME HERE!" and then rushes to get finished and cleaned before his mother arrives. Living in the same building as your mother makes this technique more effective.
• Face-painter - a man who jerks it to womens' non-pr0n MySpace pics and shoots his load on them, then photographs the cumpcovered printouts of the pics and puts those photos on MySpace. Normally an evolved form of the Masturbation Daredevil, face-painters consider themselves to be artists. The rest of the world sees them as sick fucks.

[edit] Maturbation in relation to God

A particularly interesting religious phenomenon occurs whilst stimulating one's genitalia. Most masturbators feel that god is watching them. They report sensing that god is purveying his godly eyes over the sinful scene. Others have reported that this God is actually an impostor known as ceiling cat.

[edit] Slang

Slang terms for masturbation include:

[edit] Male Terms

[Put it away!] [The moar you know . . .] 0

[edit] Female Terms

• jilling off
• strumming
• chatting with the man in the canoe
• flicking the bean
• polishing the pearl
• finding nemo
• marching the penguin
• petting the kitten
• seeing a chick flick
• ya-yaing the sisterhood.
• dialing O
• embarrassing the queen

For more, type "meat curtain" into Google and click the "Feeling Lucky" button. Seriously.

[edit] Health Risks

“	Endorphins released during orgasm stimulate immune system cells, which also helps target illnesses like cancer, as well as wrinkles	„
—Scientists quoted by the BBC

“	If you vank not only vill you go to hell, you vill go blind and Herr Gott vill apply the Final Solution to ein kitten	„
— Made up quote from the Head of the Catholic Church, Pope Adolf II.

Even today with the mass liberalization of America, many think it is wrong to masturbate or at least somewhat unsanitary. The only side effects of masturbation are wasted time, energy, money, tissues, lotion and self-esteem.

[edit] Myths

• Masturbating too much can make you go blind

You are doing it wrong. Your spunk should hit the bitch, not your own face. However this can be true for gay men. Because they love the feeling of hot wet semen on their faces they can get a build-up of cum, which hardens like glue, thus leading to blindness.

• Masturbating too much can give you hairy palms

This only applies to furries, who already have hairy palms.

• Only men masturbate

Correction - only white men masturbate. Niggers are busy giving your mom AIDS.

• Masturbation can cause your penis to shrink

Most guys who whack off constantly do so because they have a very small dick anyway. Real men get sex.

• Masturbating can give you spots

Only if you forget to whipe it off.

• You can get AIDS from masturbating

Only if you happen to be gay. Or black. The latter is very unlikely as niggers don't masturbate.

• Only losers masturbate

True. That's why the internet was invented.

[edit] Gallery

For all You sick fucks out thar:

You're doing it wrong!
	Excessive self-love is sometimes reflected in wiki-edit activity. If this exceeds four hours, please see your doctor.	Fappin has been around for centuries.	U SEEZ HIM?
You better wash your sheets.	fapfapfapfapfap]]	Maturbation is more complicated for women	The Japanese way to fap.
The government is always watching.	Even cartoon characters like wanking,brought to you by pedo scum		MUST FAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAP.
He will not be able to ejaculate, for he has clearly forgotten the inherent weakness of wymyn. He's gonna need a mantrain.	They see me fappin'. They hatin'. Patrolling, they trying to catch me spankin' dirty!	He came. Srsly.	So I was hangin' out with my homies and HOLY FUCK THAT WOMAN IS MASTURBATING WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS.
So get to work!	Masturbation PSA	thumb|The only people who don't fap are Nazis.	He had to eat at least 100 babies to get that gut. So he wins twice, really.
Nobody is surprised.

[edit] Videos

[edit] For the Furries

[edit] See also

• Ghostlight, Argos, Brainlesswonder, and anybody else who happens to think the Synthetikmisery article is boring.
• Auto-fellatio
• Kraken's ghost
• Auto erotic asphyxiation
• Healthy Strokes
• List of Porn Parodies
• Rule 34
• Ceiling cat
• I Came
• Furries
• Pedophiles
• Homosexuals
• Fetish

[edit] Related Links

If you want to find out where you fit in to the masturbation personality spectrum, porn sites are not the way to go! Trusted resources from the real experts include:

• Advanced Masturbation - Male techniques, myths, synonyms, and lubrication advice.
• Some like to fem-fap with vibrators.
• JackinWorld - The ultimate male masturbation resource.
• Clitical.com - Female masturbation information, techniques, and advice.

• Masturbation Horror Stories

In recent studies, it has been known, that if one goes out in the wild; one will find a nathan. Nathan's are very dangerous creatures, if found run from at full speed. For if he catches you he will fuck uncontrollably.