LongHairedOffender's Blog Posts
REVIEW: Rambo
The following review is from a new horror website that we are launching in about a month. More details soon...
You know how in most action flicks when someone dies in an explosion it's almost like a Bugs Bunny cartoon? The dude flies into the air, possibly flipping a few times in the process, and then lands somewhere next to the blast, entirely unscathed other than the cheap charcoal makeup smeared onto his face. Well, you'll see none of that in Rambo. Oh enemies of Rambo do get FUBAR all right--just to an extent that you've never seen before.
And all he did was ask Rambo for the time.
Rambo Van Gogh
I've seen literally hundreds of gore-drenched horror films in my life, but I have never seen people get ripped to shreds in such a horrific and realistic manner. You may be thinking to yourself, 'why is Rambo being reviewed on a horror website,' but believe you me--Rambo is gorier than Hostel, Saw, Cannibal Holocaust, hell... it damn near reaches Peter Jackson's infamous Dead Alive in the amount human bodies being wrecked in an almost comically brutal way.
But that's why we pay the $10 to see Rambo (and why you're reading this review for that matter) in the first place, to enjoy a mindless testosterone-rife bloodbath, innit? If you walk into Rambo wanting some mind-bending storyline or a great performance from Stallone you're a dumbass. Stallone, who has not aged well in the 20 years since Rambo III, barely says anything in the movie, but you know what, it's a nice break from the typical action hero one-liners that can get tiring.
Rambo grinds up hundreds of enemies with his new toy in a final shockingly bloody battle.
This time around, Rambo slaughters with the help of couple of mercenaries.
The Gory Details (Major Spoilers)
While Rambo isn't a movie that you'll see filed in the horror section of your local Blockbuster when it makes it way to video, I can't recommend it enough for fans of horror and gore. Don't believe me? Professor John Mueller has put together a chart of statistics spanning the entire Rambo quadrilogy and one number lists the whopping total of 236 deaths in Rambo's latest adventure (a good chunk of which I suspect are in the final 10+ minute long massacre).
Some of the more memorable bloody highlights from the movie are when a pig chews on the severed leg stump of a man who is alive, Rambo digging his fingers into an enemies neck and then tearing out his throat, 2 separate scenes where soldiers are completely decapitated via a sniper round, and... well, numerous other scenes that I probably shouldn't give away where people are transformed into piles of meat and jelly by the hands of Rambo.
If you're any sort of horror or action movie fan, you need to see this movie pronto. It's a return to the schmaltz-free action movie and a whole lot of fun.
Terror Rating: N/A
Originality: 2 out of 5
Level of Gore: 5 out of 5
Overall Rating: 5 out of 5
Recommendations: First Blood, Commando
After seeing the glorious goriness packed into number IV, Rambo makes fellow machete-wielding maniac Jason Voorhees look like a bitch.
comments [ 26 ] - post your comment
ShortHairedOffender
Posted at: 2008-01-31 20:01:30.0
I want to see it and feel manly while doing it. Rambo has to have an infinite ammo cheat because he wastes so many bullets!
teh2Dgamer
Posted at: 2008-01-31 20:36:54.0
Well, people, what do you think a .50 Caliber Machine gun does to people? The movie actually stays realistic to what those things do to people. It's not a pretty thing, but Rambo was really just staying realistic to what one of those suckers would do to a human.Check it out. The .50 cal is the one on the left (in case you couldn't tell).
Bayonetwork
Posted at: 2008-02-01 00:38:42.0
So this movie was actually good? Shit, I owe Travis $20.
COKSaFloppin
Posted at: 2008-02-01 05:23:24.0
I was skeptical about seeing this, now I can't wait ! I love a good gore fest
LongHairedOffender
Posted at: 2008-02-01 09:02:22.0
Blood in guts in movies = cool. Blood in guts in real life = not cool. But yeah, the new Rambo rules if you enjoy cheesy carnage-loaded action.
LongHairedOffender
Posted at: 2008-02-01 09:07:04.0
teh2Dgamer Posted at: 2008-01-31 20:36:54.0 Well, people, what do you think a .50 Caliber Machine gun does to people? The movie actually stays realistic to what those things do to people. It's not a pretty thing, but Rambo was really just staying realistic to what one of those suckers would do to a human. Check it out. The .50 cal is the one on the left (in case you couldn't tell).Damn. No wonder Rambo's enemies turn into butter when he uses that thing on them. But you know what, the whole first half of the movie those a-holes committed such atrocities that by the end of the movie you're begging for Rambo to teach them a lesson.
teh2Dgamer
Posted at: 2008-02-01 10:02:28.0
LongHairedOffender Posted at: 2008-02-01 09:07:04.0teh2Dgamer Posted at: 2008-01-31 20:36:54.0 Well, people, what do you think a .50 Caliber Machine gun does to people? The movie actually stays realistic to what those things do to people. It's not a pretty thing, but Rambo was really just staying realistic to what one of those suckers would do to a human. Check it out. The .50 cal is the one on the left (in case you couldn't tell).Damn. No wonder Rambo's enemies turn into butter when he uses that thing on them. But you know what, the whole first half of the movie those a-holes committed such atrocities that by the end of the movie you're begging for Rambo to teach them a lesson.
I agree. They deserved to be made into man-pudding. I'm just glad they never knew one of the ten commandments, "thou shalt not mess with Rambo!"
I wonder who would win in a fight, Rambo, or Chuck Norris?
James_Earl_Cash
Posted at: 2008-02-01 13:07:40.0
teh2Dgamer Posted at: 2008-02-01 10:02:28.0 LongHairedOffender Posted at: 2008-02-01 09:07:04.0 teh2Dgamer Posted at: 2008-01-31 20:36:54.0 Well, people, what do you think a .50 Caliber Machine gun does to people? The movie actually stays realistic to what those things do to people. It's not a pretty thing, but Rambo was really just staying realistic to what one of those suckers would do to a human. Check it out. The .50 cal is the one on the left (in case you couldn't tell). Damn. No wonder Rambo's enemies turn into butter when he uses that thing on them. But you know what, the whole first half of the movie those a-holes committed such atrocities that by the end of the movie you're begging for Rambo to teach them a lesson. I agree. They deserved to be made into man-pudding. I'm just glad they never knew one of the ten commandments, "thou shalt not mess with Rambo!" I wonder who would win in a fight, Rambo, or Chuck Norris? No the real question would be who would win in a hand to hand combat between Rambo and Rocky?
FETALJUICE
Posted at: 2008-02-01 14:51:43.0
I haven't seen the movie yet but I was told its fucking gory as hell. I HAVE to go watch it. Rambo is the new Chuck Norris.
LongHairedOffender
Posted at: 2008-02-01 15:04:37.0
Rambo vs. Chuck Norris should be the next "Freddy vs. Jason"-type movie. Genius!
Shammon
Posted at: 2008-02-01 19:35:41.0
Wait...Rambo is the new Chuck Norris?LOLOLOL!!!!!
Maybe the other way around?
steelersfan94
Posted at: 2008-02-02 21:12:39.0
Hell yeah man. Rambo freakin ruled. I saw it Friday. It was truly a work of art.
poltergeist
Posted at: 2008-02-03 00:50:52.0
odd you should say that because stallone actually got his start in porn... odd though i can just imagine..."ok now mr stallone in this part you say the womans name..." "ADRIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANa"
blackzeppelin
Posted at: 2008-02-03 12:35:30.0
I saw Rambo last night it was freakin sweet so many people got fucked up. all that action left me wanting MORE
Dhol3416
Posted at: 2008-02-12 15:54:23.0
I saw this movie recently this past saturday and I'm only 14 lol no i didn't go with my parents or grandparents. I went with some highschoolers. Anyways, the movie was freakin awesome I loved it!
kalell
Posted at: 2008-02-13 01:04:09.0
I'm looking forward to seeing this. I don't go to the theatre, but as soon as it comes out on DVD I'm there!
Gibby4014
Posted at: 2008-02-16 15:59:01.0
Rambo, to me, is the perfect movie series to take your brain out, set it in a jar, and lets your eyes gaze at all the explosions and fight scenes while going "oooo, pretty".
Camoflagesniper
Posted at: 2008-02-16 19:23:25.0
Haaaaa rambo has always been a personal fav but they make it realy bloody and they rape girls and stuffffff
jxballard
Posted at: 2008-02-25 10:37:50.0
How long before they make some cool video games for Rambo I wonder? I would like to see a really cool RTS game based on the movie. Kind of like Dune, Star Wars, and others have done.
yomite500
Posted at: 2008-03-29 19:23:47.0
LHO, rambo is the most sweetaged movie ever, yes i said SWEETAGED!! It's in the dictionary!! Shit! Ok not yet... but it will, and when it is, I'll be known as a genius!!! HAAAAAAA o shiiit seizure...... (ive been taken to hospital i will most likely die in the next few days....)......
Error_404
Posted at: 2008-04-07 13:02:15.0
I was suprised to see the amount of gore in "No Country for Old Men", and it was pretty believable. That shotgun kicked ass too.You must be registered and logged in to post comments.
Posted at: 2008-01-31 19:27:31.0
No. of sex scenes:0 . lol, if only, stallone, if only. rofl