The Good Guide to Better Sex
According to John Denne, there’s a better way to go when it’s time to “go all the way.”
The reality is that more teens at younger ages are indulging in sex, and more young couples are living together aside from marriage.
So is it time to reconsider premarital sex as being OK? “What’s wrong with ‘going all the way’?” a teenager asks. The answer is “nothing.” But in sex without commitment, it’s only going halfway. A meaningful sexual relationship is part of a total commitment to another.
Total commitment involves a sharing of the intellect, emotions, and mutual equality. It’s not just a physiological act of personal gratification. Real commitment means giving everything. True love is about full commitment.
Here are a few considerations to think about, well before you’re caught up by passion, peer pressure or friendly persuasion:
selfishness
You may never marry the person you have intercourse with. You may be using that person merely for your own gratification and satisfaction. That is selfishness, and selfishness never breeds happiness. Such an act may mar the future self-worth of one or both of the participants. Once in a committed relationship, you may see yourself as being “secondhand,” cheapened by an act of self-indulgence that can never be reversed.
excitement
Not everyone has the same level of sexual desire. A study revealed that more than a third of women in the 18-59 age group experience sexual dysfunction, compared with just 10 per cent of men” ( T ime, April 13, 1998).
In premarital or extramarital sex, you may experience a level of excitement and satisfaction that you won’t with your marriage partner. Such memories can strain a marriage, breed impatience and dissatisfaction, ultimately damaging it.
So, notwithstanding what that implies, keeping sexual intercourse to within marriage is the better option. You won’t have a “better” experience for comparison.
real dependence
Even with easy access to contraceptives, it’s amazing the number of unplanned babies conceived. The word no is still the best contraceptive, and the only totally safe one. Of course, some unmarried teens plan to become pregnant, enamoured with the idea of becoming a mother.
But rare is the solo parent who can provide an adequate environment for an infant and cope independently. Most seem to understand the benefit of a committed marriage partner. If single parenthood is something you’re planning, ask around first. Granted, some solo parents do a fantastic job, but it really takes two.
seeking security
Especially among women, sex outside of marriage produces insecurity. Insecurity and fear doesn’t help a relationship. If someone isn’t prepared to commit in a permanent way, then assume you’re being used. If someone loves you, they’ll publicly commit themselves to you.
Some will commit outside of a marriage to a motor-vehicle hire-purchase agreement, a house mortgage or insurance policy but never sign up for faithfulness, fidelity or a lifetime of caring—even to one they profess to “love.” Why not? Without an agreement that is sincerely signed (on the marriage certificate), there’s not the same degree of security.
Of course, most of that security is implied not by the signing a piece of paper, but by the love that led to it.
To live truly free, you need a degree of security and self-worth. Saving sex for marriage helps provide them.
it’s about domination
More than one girl has yielded because she saw it as a strategy to “hold him.” In such a situation, she’s manipulating him, and he her. Any who use sex for domination is a poor candidate for a partnership.
Think about it: the whole relationship is wrong, not just the sex.
If you want a satisfying life (in contrast to a few exhilarating moments), then your professed chastity will hold a man like nothing else. (Hint: Men will oftendegrade women who are “willing.”) “I guess I never learned the difference between ‘belonging,’ which I so much wanted, and ‘being had,’” said Diana.
“Every time we quarrel, he makes me feel like dirt because I ‘let’ him. I wonder if I’ll ever be more than just a body to him.”
satisfaction
Redbook magazine surveyed 100,000 female readers. They discovered that “strongly religious women are most likely to describe their marital sex as very good.” They also found that chastity pays, if you want to be happy. Christianity Today likewise has found a link between premarital abstinence and sexual satisfaction in the later marriage. The US-based Family Research Council also found something similar: some 72 per cent of these married traditionalists report high sexual satisfaction—31 percentage points higher than unmarried non-traditionalists, and 13 percentage points higher than married non-traditionalists.
rules rule
Much of our society’s legal and moral code, and our attitudes derive from the ancient Judeo-Christian Ten Commandments, as recorded in the Bible (see Exodus 20). The seventh is about illicit sex: “You shall not commit adultery*” (Exodus 20:14). That’s fairly straightforward, but Jesus widened its application considerably when He told His listeners that, in its entirety, it meant that they shouldn’t even think about having sex with someone other than their spouse (see Matthew 5:27, 28).
He didn’t say that to stop our fun.
Rather, He said it because He, as the Creator of our bodies and minds, knew that we’d experience greater joy in a stable, permanent and faithful relationship.
When we live contrary to what God says, we eventually miss out on the best in life.
residual guilt
God wants us to enjoy sex, and without hang-ups. How much better is a life without guilt? (Galatians 5:22-24). And what’s Christmas if you’ve already received—and opened—your presents weeks before?
health risks
I’m not talking about phoning long-distance when I talk about STDs, rather sexually transmitted diseases. AIDS is ruining nations, mostly the result of rampant sex.
And it will certainly ruin a relationship.
Casual relationships promote STDs and HIV/AIDS. Many who contract them lack self-discipline and/or information.
While HIV/AIDS continues to dominate our headlines, a far greater number show up at clinics with other STDs, many of which are drug-resistant, difficult to treat and even more difficult to cure. According to a study of 10 years ago, among the 15-35 years age group, there’s a one-in-six chance of aquiring an STD, and the numbers haven’t changed ( R eader’s D igest, “Our Forgotten Epidemic,” October 1992). Because STDs such as herpes and genital warts can recur years after they’re contracted, you’re at risk unless both you and your partner have been monogamous throughout life.
It’s serious stuff: herpes can kill a newborn or cause brain damage if the woman suffers her first attack close to delivery. A woman’s risk of contracting gonorrhea from a single, unprotected sexual encounter with an infected man is between 50 and 90 per cent.
Moreover, a person can transmit the infection without ever knowing they have it. Syphilis can cause blindness, deafness, damage to the heart and other major organs, and even cause insanity, though fortunately few cases progress to this. STDs strike only the sexually active outside a monogamous relationship.
self-discipline
If you can’t discipline yourself before marriage, then you’re less likely to be disciplined within it, especially if your partner is sick or the marriage is lacking in some way. And playing the field before marriage adds nothing to the security of marriage once “the knot is tied.” If it’s not considered a necessity to leave sex until after the wedding, then it is harder to trust each other to be faithful in the marriage.
A person whose character shows a lack of self-control is a bad marriage risk, increasing the likelihood of divorce.
forgiveness
There is a certain quality and happiness in purity, but note, whatever our past, God can and will forgive us. There are many examples in the Bible, including Rahab, King David and one of Jesus’ best friends, Mary Magdalene. God loves you whether you’re the one who made the mistake or the one hurt by it, although He doesn’t always remove consequences.
And while none of these points may alone convince you, put them together and the case for keeping sex within marriage is worth embracing. Isn’t it?
* According to Harper’s Bible Dictionary, the term adultery refers specifically to sexual relations with someone other than one’s marriage partner.
Which way to go?
A report in the British Medical Journal ( June 2002 ) raises significant questions about the effectiveness of sex-education programs among teenagers.
A study of 26 programs across North America, Australia, New Zealand and Europe over the past 10 years revealed that none was effective in reducing rates of sexual activity or teen pregnancy. It was surprising to discover that teens involved in programs promoting abstinence, of which there were four, experienced a 50 per cent higher pregnancy rate.
In light of the damage to individuals and to society of unplanned pregnancies, the study’s findings raise significant questions for Christians: Is it better to educate young people about available contraceptives, accepting the possibility of their sexual activity despite their best intentions, or should we maintain a pro-abstinence stance, with no alternatives considered? One thing is certain: we should continue to encourage young people toward better choices, yet also continue to accept and support them in the face of their disappointing choices and sometimes tragic consequences.
These findings are also a reminder that good intentions are not sufficient. Indeed, unfulfilled good intentions alone can compound the consequences of our failures.
It’s a familiar struggle: “What I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do” (Romans 7:15). For Paul there was an answer in this battle to do right—Jesus Christ (verse 25), in whom there is power, forgiveness and hope.
—Nathan Brown, in Adventist Review
Home - Archive - Topics - Podcast - Subscribe - Special Offers - About Signs - Contact Us - Links
 |
 |
|
Copyright © 2006 Seventh-day Adventist Church (SPD) Limited ACN 093 117 689
