Jewish views of marriage
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Judaism considers marriage to be the ideal state of personal existence; a man without a wife, or a woman without a husband, is considered incomplete. (Babylonian Talmud - Yebomoth 62b)
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[edit] Classical customs
In traditional Jewish society, from the era of the Talmud up to the enlightenment, social association of the sexes was usually restricted (tzeniut). In Orthodox Jewish communities these social restrictions are still practiced.
[edit] Betrothal (shiddukhin)
In Jewish law (halakha), betrothal (Hebrew: shiddukhin) or engagement is defined as the mutual promise between a man and a woman to contract a marriage at some future time and the formulation of the terms on which it shall take place.[1] The promise may be made by the intending parties or one made by their respective parents or other relatives on their behalf. (Kiddushin 9b) The betrothal does not in itself affect the personal status of the parties, nor does it give either party the right to claim specific performance.
Traditionally, engagements for marriage were generally brought about by a third person, often a professional match-maker ("shadchan"). The process is called Shidduchim (Hebrew: matches). The shadchan received a "brokerage-fee" fixed by law or agreed upon by custom, as a rule a small percentage of the dowry. It was paid by either of the parties, or each paid one-half, at the betrothal or after the wedding. The rabbi, as a person enjoying special confidence, was also often employed as intermediary. Although the marriage preliminaries were the concern of the parents, their children were not forced into marriage over their objections.
Today, many young people find their marriage partners, and many intending marriage couples do not enter into formal betrothals, but the parents of the couple are still usually involved in the marriage arrangements.
[edit] Marriage (kiddushin and nissu'in)
In Jewish law, marriage consists of two separate acts, called kiddushin and nissu'in respectively. Kiddushin changes the couple's personal status, while nissu'in brings about the legal consequences of the change of status.
There are three ways for a Jewish couple to effect kiddushin (Mishna, Tractate Kiddushin 1:1):
- With money (kesef) or with an object of value, such as a ring or a coin, for the purpose of contracted marriage, and in the presence of two witnesses, and she actively accepts;
- Through a contract (shtar) in the presence of two witnesses, containing the declaration of kiddushin (see below); or
- By sexual intercourse with the intention of creating a bond of marriage; a method strongly discouraged by the rabbinic sages and intended only for levirate marriages.
Today, the practice is for kiddushin to be only through an object of value method (i.e. the equivalent of "with money"), which is almost always a ring, but the other methods may be relevant should a halachic dispute occur.
A Jewish marriage ceremony is based on the rules for transfer of property or of rights in antiquity. In marriage, the woman accepts a ring (or something of value) from the man, accepting the terms of the marriage. This is called betrothal, or kiddushin or erusin. A ketubah ("marriage contract") is read publicly. Witnesses are required for both the signing of the ketubah and the ceremonies.
At the giving of the ring the groom (chatan) makes a declaration:
The bride must accept the ring. Traditionally there is no requirement for a verbal response by the bride. She signifies acceptance of the ring by closing her hand with the ring on her right index finger.
Often, the two witnesses who sign the ketubah say aloud "Mekudeshet".[citation needed]
Finally the couple are joined in matrimony under the chuppah, in the ceremony of nissuin, symbolizing their setting up house together. Very often the huppah is made of an outstretched tallit (Jewish prayer shawl), but it can be any sort of canopy.
The ceremony reaches its climax with both the bride and groom drinking wine. The groom then steps on a glass to break it. The origin of this custom is shrouded in mystery, and various understandings of this custom exist:
- The source seems to be from the Babylonian Talmud, tractate Berakhot 31a; it has a story about the wedding of Rav Ashi's son. When the celebrants began to get carried away, Rav Ashi brought out and broke a crystal glass in front of them. The interpretation by the Tosafot (early medieval Talmudic commentators) is that even during moments of great celebration, one must maintain proper decorum. It may be related to the belief that it is best to temper one's joy, in order to avert inviting bad fortune.
- The breaking of the glass represents the Jewish community's continuing sorrow of the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem; no celebration is totally complete without the Temple.
- Among Kabbalists (adherents of Jewish mysticism), this custom is said to be a reminder of the broken fragments of Creation, and our need to engage in Tikkun Olam, the repairing of the world on a spiritual level.
[edit] Reform and Conservative adaptations
Conservative Judaism and Reform Judaism have created new customs governing the wedding ceremony. Today, most non-orthodox Jewish women respond by giving a ring to the groom, and recite an appropriate passage, such as the famous verse from the Song of Songs, Ani l'dodi v'dodi Li ("I am for my beloved, and my beloved is for me", Song of Songs 6:3). Objections to the Talmudic formulation center around the idea that marriage is the purchase of a woman by a man.
[edit] The Ketubah
The ketubah lays out rights of the wife (to monetary payments upon termination of the marriage by death or divorce), and obligations of the husband (providing food, shelter, clothing, and sexual satisfaction to the wife). Due to its overriding importance, it was not written in the Hebrew language, but in Aramaic, the lingua franca of Jews at the time the first Ketubot became standardized.
Orthodox Judaism uses a traditional ketubah based on the forms that have evolved and standardized over the past millennium. There are minor variations between Orthodox groups, but none of major legal or theological difference. While Jews today no longer speak Aramaic, Orthodox ketubot are still written in this tongue. Nowadays many Orthodox ketubot also have translations into English or other vernacular language
[edit] Conservative, Reform and Reconstructionist changes
Conservative Judaism uses a traditional ketubah, but has incorporated two changes. Aramaic ketubot (pl.) are still used, but since Hebrew has been reborn as a living language, an official Hebrew version of the Ketubah is now sometimes used. A second change is that a new paragraph is allowed as an option as a "prenuptial agreement"; this paragraph includes a directive that if the couple ever gets a civil (non-religious) divorce, they must go to a Bet Din ("Rabbinical court") and follow its directives, which tells the husband that he must give his wife a get, a Jewish divorce. This known as the "Lieberman Clause."
The Reform and Reconstructionist movements use both more equalized versions of the ketubah, and also use documents that are not considered by the Orthodox to be ketubah at all, but rather a new form of wedding celebration document.
[edit] Chuppah
A chuppah (also spelled huppa, chupah, or chuppa - plural chuppot) is a canopy traditionally used in Jewish weddings. It consists of a cloth or sheet — sometimes a tallit ("prayer shawl") — stretched or supported over four poles, and is sometimes carried by attendants to the ceremony location. It is meant to symbolize the home which the couple will build together.
A traditional chuppah, especially within Orthodox Judaism, recommends that there be open sky exactly above the chuppah. If the wedding ceremony is held indoors in a hall, sometimes a special opening is built to be opened during the ceremony. Many Hasidim prefer to conduct the entire ceremony outdoors.
In a spiritual sense, the covering of the chuppah represents the presence of God over the covenant of marriage. As a man's kipa (skull cap) served as a reminder of the Creator above all, (also a symbol of separation from God), so the chuppah was erected to signify that the ceremony and institution of marriage has divine origins.
Before going under the chuppah the groom, amidst joyous singing of the guests, covers the bride's face with a veil. This ceremony is called Badeken or Bedekung. The origin of this tradition is in the dispute of what exactly is the chuppah. There are opinions that the chuppah means covering the bride's face, and that by this covering the couple is getting married. This opinion is based on the Verse: “Then she took her veil and covered herself.” (Genesis, 24, 65) in which Rebekah meets Isaac. Some are strict to make sure that the witnesses will see the covering, for them to actually be considered as witnessing the marriage.
[edit] Matrimony
[edit] Marital harmony
Marital harmony, known as "shalom bayit," is valued in Jewish tradition.
[edit] Sexual relations
The husband is required to have relations with his wife; the Talmud gives rules regarding the required frequency. This obligation is known as "onah." The wife, too, may not unreasonably withhold from sexual relations.[2]
[It is virtuous] only when the wife ingratiates herself [with her husband]. She may shew her desires, as did Leah, who merely invited Jacob into her tent, but not explicitly demand their gratification. One who is summoned to his marital duty by his wife will beget children such as were not to be found even in the generation of Moses?
[edit] Ritual purity in family life
The laws of "family purity" (taharas hamishpacha) have always been considered a vitally important part of the Orthodox Jewish marriage. This involves observance of the various details of the menstrual niddah laws. Orthodox brides and grooms often attend classes on this subject prior to the wedding.
[edit] Controversy over intermarriage
According to the National Jewish Population Survey 2000-01, 47% of marriages involving Jews in the United States between 1996 and 2001 were intermarriages with non-Jewish partners. Rates of intermarriage have increased in other countries in the diaspora as well. Jewish leaders in different branches generally agree that possible assimilation is a crisis, but they differ on the proper response to intermarriage.
- All branches of Orthodox Judaism refuse to accept any validity or legitimacy of intermarriages.
- Conservative Judaism does not sanction intermarriage, but encourages acceptance of the non-Jewish spouse within the family, hoping that such acceptance will lead to conversion.
- Reform Judaism and Reconstructionist Judaism permit total personal autonomy in interpretation of Jewish Law, and intermarriage is not discouraged. Reform and Reconstructionist rabbis are free to take their own approach to performing marriages between a Jewish and Non-Jewish partner. Many but not all seek agreement from the couple that the children will be raised as Jewish.
There are also differences between streams on what constitutes an intermarriage, arising from their differing criteria for being Jewish in the first place. Orthodox and Conservative streams do not accept as Jewish a person whose maternal line is not completely Jewish, nor a convert whose conversion was conducted under the authority of a less observant stream.
[edit] Divorce
Halakha (Jewish law) allows for divorce. The document of divorce is termed a get. The final divorce ceremony involves the husband giving the get document into the hand of the wife or her agent, but the wife may sue in rabbinical court to initiate the divorce. If a man refuses to grant his wife a divorce, she assumes the status of an agunah (literally, "chained" or "anchored" wife); she is unable to remarry until the divorce is granted. A similar but rarer situation, in which the wife refuses to accept a get, similarly prevents the husband from remarrying, but there are some subtle differences between these scenarios.
[edit] Conservative Judaism
Conservative Judaism follows most of the laws and traditions regarding marriage and divorce as is found in Orthodox Judaism. One difference is that the Conservative movement allows certain changes to be made in the Ketubah (wedding document) to make it egalitarian. Often a clause is added to prevent any possibility of the woman ever becoming agunah (famously known as "the Lieberman clause").
Since the enlightenment, local Jewish communities lost their autonomous status and were subsumed into the nation in which they existed, and the Jewish community lost its civil powers to enforce marriage and divorce laws. The unintended result was that rabbis lost the power to force a man to give his wife a get, and Jewish law does not allow a woman to give a get to the husband. Without a get, a Jewish woman is forbidden to remarry and is therefore called an agunah (literally "an anchored woman").
For decades traditional voices within the Rabbinical Assembly counseled that Conservative Jews should take no unilateral action on this issue, and should wait for solutions from the Orthodox community, or joint action with the Orthodox community. However from the Orthodox rabbinate numerous solutions were offered, none were accepted.
After doing research on this problem in conjunction with other rabbis, Professor Lieberman developed what came to be called "the Lieberman clause", a clause added to the ketubah (Jewish wedding document). In effect it was an arbitration agreement used in the case of a divorce; if the marriage dissolved and the woman was refused a get from her husband, both the husband and wife had to go to a rabbinic court authorized by the Jewish Theological Seminary of America and heed their directives, which could (and usually did) include ordering the man to give his wife a get.
At the time this clause was proposed it has some support in the Modern Orthodox community, and Orthodox leader Joseph Soloveitchik gave this proposal his approval. They began work on a joint rabbinic committee that would insure objective standards of marriage and divorce for both Orthodox and Conservative Judaism. However, objections from ultra-Orthodox rabbis torpedoed this effort at cooperation, and the proposed joint effort faltered.
Most of Orthodox Judaism then rejected the Lieberman clause as a violation of Jewish law, and have devised a separate prenuptial agreement external to the ketubah which has a similar effect - this agreement states that if the husband refuses to grant the get, he will be required to pay an enormous ongoing fee until he grants the get. This agreement is done in such a way that the husband, upon granting the get, will not be considered to have done so under duress (which would invalidate the get), but instead he has a free-will choice to either grant the get or keep paying money (but the fee is usually large enough that he effectively has no choice but to grant the get, unless he wishes to go bankrupt). In addition, this agreement is considered a legal contract by civil courts, so that if the husband refuses to pay the money or grant the get, and the rabbinical courts are unable to enforce the agreement, the civil courts can enforce it. There are sources for this in ancient Tenayim documents. In a recent development the Rabbinical Assembly, the international assembly of Conservative rabbis, has also promoted the use of a separate prenuptuial agreement, to be used in place of the Lieberman clause. This is not because they have concerns about its legitimacy, but rather about its practical effectiveness.
Neither of these arrangements, however, address the agunah problem in the case of a missing husband.
[edit] Reform Judaism
Reform Jews usually use an egalitarian form of the Ketubah at their weddings. They generally do not issue Jewish divorces, seeing a civil divorce as both necessary and sufficient; however, some Reform rabbis encourage the couple to go through a Jewish divorce procedure. Conservative and Orthodox Judaism do not recognize civil law as overriding religious law, and thus do not view a civil divorce as sufficient. Thus, a man or woman may be considered divorced by the Reform Jewish community, but still married by the Orthodox or Conservative community.
[edit] Marriage in the Land of Israel
- See also: Civil marriage in Israel
As civil marriage does not exist in the modern Land of Israel, the only institutionalized form of marriage there is the religious one, i.e. a marriage conducted by a rabbi. Specifically, marriage of Israeli Jews must be conducted according to Orthodox Jewish halakha. This implies that people who cannot get married according to Jewish law (e.g. a kohen and a divorcée, or a Jew and one who is not halachically Jewish) cannot have their union legally sanctioned. This has led for calls, mostly from the secular segment of the Israeli public, for the institution of civil marriage. There are many people affected by this law. In the Land of Israel today, there are approximately "300,000 Israelis who cannot marry because one of the partners is not Jewish, or his or her Jewishness cannot be determined."[citation needed]
Some secular Israelis travel abroad to have civil marriages, either because they do not believe in the Orthodox view of Judaism or because their union cannot be sanctioned by halakha. These marriages are legally binding in Israel, though not recognized by the rabbinate as Jewish.
While people of different religions may be citizens of the State of Israel, all legal marriages performed in Israel must be sanctioned by religious authorities of one faith or another. Couples of mixed religion, for example a Christian and a Jew, or a Muslim and a Jew, cannot legally marry in Israel.
[edit] See also
[edit] Judaism's view
- Role of women in Judaism
- Shidduch (finding a marriage partner)
- Shalom bayit (peace and harmony in the relationship between husband and wife)
- Niddah (rutual purity laws)
- Tzeniut (modest behavior)
- Yichud (prohibitions of seclusion with the opposite sex)
- Negiah (guidelines for physical contact)
- Rebbetzin (rabbi's wife)
- beshert (a person's destined soul mate)
[edit] Non-Jewish views
[edit] References
- ^ The Principles of Jewish Law, Ed Menachem Elon, ISBN 0-7065-1415-7, p 353.
- ^ Judaism 101: Kosher Sex
[edit] External links
- The Jewish Wedding on Chabad.org
- Brief explanation of Jewish wedding
- Guide to Jewish Weddings
- Brief overview of Orthodox jewish wedding
- An explanation of the laws and customs of a Jewish Wedding
