Lesbian
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
A lesbane (often misspelled lesbian) is a woman who seeks male attention by feigning interest in other women via the worship of pussy. If this tactic fails for a few decades they evolve into the dreaded butch lesbian, who express their self-hatred as disdain for the male sex. It is understandable that some women would prefer a hawt woman rather than a fat retard like you, but in reality most of them are just ugly attention whores.
It is common for them to experience Lesbian Invisibility, claiming that they are forgotten, ignored or excluded by those who possess a genuine sexuality. This may explain why there was no entry for "lesbian" on Encyclopedia Dramatica for over a month after its creation.
To combat lesbian invisibility, many lesbians take up such shocking fads as fashion, hair and political views. Why is the new woman in the office wearing a quarter inch buzz cut and denim overalls? Because she'd be invisible otherwise. She could always just dress like everyone else and get the same amount of recognition but no, the gays of both sexes seek not just special rights, but special recognition.
The way lesbians have sex is currently unknown and shrouded in mystery. It is suspected they all secretly love the cock because they seem fond of using phallic-shaped dildos or vibrators. This sort of lesbian is prone to violent assault by actual lesbians who don't like anything penis-shaped including bananas, cucumbers, hot-dogs, and skyscrapers.
According to the Bible, being a lesbian isn't technically a crime against God since the only homosexuality mentioned is the cock in ass variation. It seems Our Savior is so busy fapping to lesbian pr0n he is yet to give his opinion on the matter.
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[edit] Signs of Being a Lesbian Bitch
There are many signs to tell early on whether these closeted homosexuals are faggots before they actually come out:
- Being named Ira or tammie o'kelly (all these apply to you tammie don't try to act like you don'tknow who this is) makes you a dyke.
- She wears The Keeper
- She is a low self esteem attention whore.
- She is utterly full of shit.
- When they make statements like, "My parents think I'm gay LOLZ, but even if I was why would it matter? They can't tell me what to do."
- She is usually a spoiled brat and cries when daddy didn't buy her the best car, and will do ANYTHING to get back at him. Including attempting suicide. Note: She will not actually do it, she will just threaten her parents with maybe a slice or two to "prove her point".
- Claims of mistreatment by parents for attention. "My daddy hit me, WAHHHH! This will show him!"
- She is hated by all straight girls at her school, because they secretly want to fuck her. This is in accordance with the theory that all women are secretly lesbians
until they turn 21unfortunately not! - All her friends are all dyke basketball players and guys who wants to get some action, because they know she'll put out to prove she's not gay.
- She is Rosie O'Donnell.
- She didn't want to have a reputation as a slut, so she turned gay to "clear her rep". This type is most easily identified by her overnight transformation from skanky cheerleader to fat trucker with a buzz cut.
- She has had many failed relationships and says she is "FED UP WITH GUYZZZZ!!!!" just because the guy she likes doesn't have feelings for her. She then proceeds to date the female equivalent of Jack the Ripper, and soon turns to suicide because "society doesn't get her." This is a good kind of lesbian, as it produces much win.
- She is in desperate need of Prozac.
- She dresses in men's clothes (Not to be confused with a tomboy, who wears men's clothing and still tries to be a female.)
- She plays and enjoys men's games, such as Gears of War and Halo 3.
- She wears flamboyantly colored sockz. Apparently.
These are a signs of a spoiled brat not being "happy with life". She becomes gay because she thinks the only person in the world that can love her is the fat, butch basketball player who has been secretly sending her love notes. She only pretends she is happy and acts like she is in love just to make it look like she has moved on with everything else. But still, no one cares about you.
[edit] The Lesbian Ladder
Lesbians colonize areas gentrified by gay men and then move on quickly to the suburbs. They tend to send a lesbian or two to confuse normal heterosexual girls into thinking that they may actually not like the dick. Then others come in and there is a vampiric ritual of some sort that probably involves cunnilingus. How they reproduce is unknown.
Regardless of this process, it tends to result in a "pyramid" social hierarchy. Usually in a group of say, two dozen lesbians, you will find the following makeup, divided by statistical number out of the 24 possible matches:
- The Top Rung. 2 "Hot" lesbians. Lusted after by the rest, these are usually just straight girls who are "slightly confused" and have "one hot night" with someone in the group. Sometimes the two kiss each other at frat parties, post-prom parties or yuppie parties. This event is the only thing that anyone (Especially any guys present) remembers the next day. These girls always bang guys on the side and bring STD's to the group. Some very rare members of this rung are actual lesbians who honestly find women to be hawt and guys to be ugly. This, however, is extremely rare. Like "finding intelligence on Gaia" rare.
- The Middle Rung. 4 "Okay" lesbians. They're "pretty sure" that they're lesbians, are probably art students, and bring straight girls over to their "cultured" apartment to watch "indie movies" - really just Feminazi propaganda. Usually they're okay-looking, maybe a big nose, a slight gut or something. They are lusted after by cosplayers and the bottom rung of lesbians. Every once in a while, they "crave a cock" and are bitched at for betraying the Coven.
- The Bottom Rung. 18 "Butch" lesbians (See Oprah, Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen, your Mother, and so forth.) Fat, chubby, obese, round, ugly bitches with jeans and buzzed hair. They practice a "masculine" voice until they sound vaguely like Bart Simpson. Usually they are in a showing of The Vagina Monologues at some community theater. In the workplace, they claim to do all the work and whine in the backroom about how everyone is persecuting them because they're queer. Maybe they used to be persecuted for being nuns. Their only male friends are of course gay and play cricket. Sound familiar? If any one of these is in the management where you work, QUIT YOUR JOB NOW!!!!
Note: These are also the average lesbians you meet on the Internets, if it's not a man, that is. They can also be not fat, but UGLY, meaning no guy wants them, so they act like they wouldn't want to fuck guys at all (Also known as "playing lesbian". Now if only they knew how to play dead), while in reality they cry to their dried out pussies.
This study was provided by the University of Chicago's team of Log Cabin Anthropologists.
 The Top Rung: A typical lesbian scoping for chicks. |
 The Middle Rung: A typical lesbian scoping for chicks. |
 The Bottom Rung: A typical lesbian scoping for chicks. |
[edit] "Daddy's Money" Lesbian
A "Daddy's Money" lesbian is generally accredited to be a female college student who has never had sex with another woman and who has a boyfriend she will probably marry soon after graduation, but nevertheless declares loudly and frequently that she is in fact a daughter of Sappho. Typical statements include "I know I've never eaten pussy, but I, like, totally want to" and "I feel it's important that we, as womynkind, connect spiritually and sexually but I'm just not attracted to you."
She will most usually break up with her boyfriend in her sophomore year in order to be true to her new-found lesbian nature, but will get back together with him late in her junior year, when she realizes that she has no interest in carpet-munching at all. During this time she will also undergo an intense infatuation with veganism. This is actually for the best, because it takes the responsibility off the boyfriend having to suffer through the whole "wannabe lesbian" phase with the added side bonus of freeing him from all the personality and lifestyle "quirks" that accompany it, resulting in the return of a much more stable, humble tart who will happily get back in the kitchen and make him a sammich. I mean, what guy in his right mind wants to suffer through the whole vegan, Indigo Girls, raving super psycho bitch thing anyway, amirite?
The name itself comes from another commonly-heard battlecry, "Listen Daddy, you're going to have to find a way to come to terms with the fact that I am a powerful, beautiful woman who loves other powerful, beautiful womyn. Also, I need you to transfer over $9000 into my checking account."
Every "Daddy's Money" lesbian has been almost raped "at least a hundred times", or at least as many times as it takes for the other lesbians to accept her whiny bitch story of why she hates men.
"Daddy's Money" lesbians often grow Ass antlers.
[edit] Fat Dyke
A fat dyke is a dyke who is fat (Pretty fucking mind-blowing, huh?).
Here are some quick talking points on fat dykes:
- A fat dyke does not give great head.
- Because she is a dyke first and foremost, she is not a secret fatty.
- The fat dyke will still use fat girl angle shots to disguise her fattiness in order to attract "weekend lesbians".
- Fat dykes are the only type of dykes that do not suffer from Lesbian Invisibility. Because they are just too goddamn fat.
- Angry fat dykes often smoke.
- A fat dyke only scissors with another fat dyke who is as fat and dyke-y as she is, due mostly to the fact that anyone below the equilibrium will most likely be crushed.
- During the winter season, vast herds of fat dykes migrate south in search of more carpet to devour.
See also-
Rosie O'Donnell
[edit] Epithets and Explanations
- Dyke — a formerly always-offensive term for a lesbian, a bisexual woman, or a woman being mistaken for one of these. Naturally this term has been "reclaimed" in the same tradition as "queer", "fag", "nigger" and "furry." It can be used neutrally, unless of course the dyke in question is PMSing about her sick cat, her lesbian bed death or her dissatisfaction with the Uppity Tofu Womyn community-ed class she's teaching. Or whatever.
- Carpet-muncher — a derogatory term for lesbians, derived from the method by which two women have sex.
- Carpetbagger — a lesbian who is on the prowl, sometimes known as a lemon squeezer
- Lemon — an offensive term only coined by men - derived from something you ride that won't take it anymore, eg. this bike is a lemon.
- Rug-muncher — similar to a carpet-muncher only they liked their meals to have a landing strip or be somewhat shaved.
[edit] Internet Lesbian
An internet lesbian is like a lesbian, but with a penis (Not to be confused with shemale). The reasons for this are multitude. Historically, most people who have had a profound desire for vaginas have been men. Adding to this set of circumstances, the one segment of the population interested in converting women to lesbianism has been men. This creates quite a problem. The way some men hope to solve this paradox is to become lesbians themselves -- and some succeed at this enterprise.
But what of those men who do not want to saw their penises off? As luck would have it, the internets were born -- where every man can seek lesbian love without any drastic reconstructive surgery, or any commitment. An internet lesbian merely has to go on a chatroom, ask other women if they are lesbians, and behold, "she" will now hook up with another internet lesbian.
Cybersex will thus ensue, and both participants will never talk to each other -- both content to think that "she" serviced and was serviced by an actual lesbian. Sometimes though, two Internet Lesbians will find eachother, and much lulz will result.
lust4luv: *licks inside you deeper and rubs my hands over your warm, soft skin* 2hot4guys: *moans softly as i shove my HARD COCK DOWN YOUR THROAT* lust4luv: wtf? your a girl. 2hot4guys: lol. pwned. lust4luv: im a guy... i just wanted to cyber with a hot girl... lust4luv: at least i came... lust4luv: *cires* -[ lust4luv left the chat ]- 2hot4guys: the fuck. that was fucked up.
Also note, lesbians are ugly, so that wouldn't work anyways.
Most Internet Lesbian forums are filled with hard hitting questions and insightful stories into personal relationships. If not filled with 16 year old girls, every thread is filled with feminazi propaganda over how you will be raped if you even consider standing next to a man, which is 100% fact unless you've seen that scary documentary about women raping other women. Any lesbian forum is completely serious business as Regina just had a really, really hard time telling Mike that his penis is the source of her oppression and it would be like totally not cool if you said anything mean to her ever, you meanie face.
Lesbians usually know everything and if you ever attempt to correct them on even the most basic of facts they will immediately declare you a man, the bane of any group of lesbians. It is common knowledge that men will stop at nothing at attempting to harness lesbians for their evil penises. Therefore, any Internet lesbian must be particularly vigilant, lest she be raped at least like five hundred billion times over her AOL connection. Almost all lesbians will speak of this in their live journals.
[edit] Lesbian philosophy
| —Common Lesbian |
| —Trogdor |
| —Common Lesbian experiencing pain |
| —Common Lesbian ruieing everything |
[edit] Lesbian media
| Lolsbian Gallery | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
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[edit] See also
- Dykepals
- Dianne Thorley
- Maya Keyes
- Vibrator
- LUG
- Women's studies major
- Durova
- Fanfic lesbians
- Femmeslash
- The Keeper
[edit] External links
- Lesbian GNU/Linux useful link for Debian users.
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Lesbian is part of a series on Homosexual Deviants |
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