NEWS: Fun Children's Film Makes a Grave Miscalculation

CELEB: Fun Children's Film Makes a Grave Miscalculation

I'm sure it's no surprise to those of you familar with mainstream movies to hear that most of them have been focus-grouped to oblivion by the time you see them. Every character, image, nuance and color watered down and deemed safe for all.



This goes double for children's entertainment. Is it safe for kids? Pleasing? Happy? Upbeat? These and dozens of other questions are asked again and again of bored people of all shapes and sizes, ensuring a safe, homogenized product ready to captivate kids everywhere. Sure, this process removes most of the originality and humor of the original vision but it also ensures that no kid will be scared or even, in some cases, scarred by the end product. A cause we can all get behind...



So, how does something like this slip through the cracks?







What am I talking about? "It's just a harmless photo of a goofy kid's flick," you say?



Look again. The one on the left, not the friendliest looking character, but harmless enough. The one on the right, a little cuter, sly, mischevious even, but nothing wrong with that...



Now look at the one in the center. Hard.



Nice outfit, typical chipmunk body... oh, and the eyes of a COLD-BLOODED MURDERER who'd gut you like a fish just as soon as look at you. Those eyes. I'm not kidding, they gave him a killer's eyes.



He would beat you to death with a blacksmith's hammer then lap the trickle of blood making its way down the handle.



Look at those eyes again. Now close yours. He's still there, isn't he?



This sadistic creature would put his foot on yer neck, insert a shotgun into your mouth and not stop firing 'til it was empty. Then he'd kick himself for days for using buckshot insteat of a quail load.



Look into those demonic orbs and tell me I'm wrong. I dare you. That's a better offer than you'd get from him. He'd mimic the voice of your best friend just to lure you out to a secluded cabin where he'd hunt you for sport.



He'd hold a knife to the throat of your second cousin and ask you to beg for his life. Until you noticed the odd circle of blood rimming his head and the harvested-days-earlier, severed-face slid off revealing the one below it- the face of your first cousin. Then he'd stab you both.



He'll give you osteoperosis just to make snapping your bones and sucking the marrow that much easier. Making an hour seem likes it's lasting days, a feat up until now only managed by Jay Leno's "Tonight Show."



He'd break your neck, nurse it back to health, break your heart, then break your neck again. Then he'd get serious about hurting you.



I'm begging you, look again, if you can. Is there anything on this Earth he doesn't seem capable of? Oh, that's right... mercy.



This hellspawn with dead eyes would watch you from the back of the cop car dragging him away, while picturing himself ripping out your throat. The thought would make him smile... a smile that revealed blood covered teeth. How'd it get there? Where'd the blood come from? You don't want that answer... ever.



Weeks would go by and you'd have almost forgotten all about this creature that exists for one reason and one reason only, to take living things away from you. You'd be anxious to put it all behind you and recover back at the family farm and "Oh look, there's Mom now, making her way towards me from the cornfield." But... why is she dancing? A creepy hillbilly jig that seems unlike any movement you've ever seen her make.



Your scream catches in your throat as you zoom in, a million miles an hour, suddenly seeing his eyes where hers should be. Burning like hellfire behind the ragged, hastily thrown together Mom-suit he fashioned from her corpse. Your dad, skinned as well and barely alive, (Who knows where his skin's got to? I do. I know. The answer is it's been boxed up and mailed to your unborn son, set to be delivered on the night of his eleventh birthday.) lurches from the barn with a seconds-too-late warning. Alvin impales him with a pitchfork, then turns his eyes on you. Breaking into a run straight towards you, unrelenting, bearing down... You're helpless to move- Then, darkness.



Don't believe me? Fine, scroll down. You tell me which set of eyes is more terrifying.











Both scary, you say? Maybe at first glance. They're both evil incarnate, both capable of murder and worse, both creatures with nothing to lose... But look closer. One is cold. One won't stop coming for you. And the other is Charles Manson, aging hippy. Look at Manson's eyes again. He almost looks scared. Can you see it? It's there. Fear.



Now I know what he's scared of.







TheCoolerKing urges you to put an exorcist on retainer immediately.

Slow "news" day?

OK ... this time you've lost me .... but hey .. we're all human.

They've already replaced Castro... is Dubya next?

wow......are you serious???

jesus fucking christ.....

Thank you for taking up precious bandwidth.

Alvin holds nothing on the pure terror inspired by KFC's Famous Bowls.

W...

No, actually he's funny!

Ask him, he'll tell you.

T...

F?

its nice to know that you think about torturing people to death in your spare time

Who doesn't?

seriously,fuck those chipmunks. im sick of old childrens favorite getting ruined, ugh. also, yeah, he does look like hes got a bloodlust.

Hmmm.... nope I really tried; I don't see it. Do people get paid to write things like this? I'd like the last few minutes of my life back, thanks.

Yeah. exactly.

So, whatever DID happen to that live-action Underdog movie (featuring a real dog)?

I think that was the best article I've ever read. Anywhere. I mean it. Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

Holy shit, this might be my first unanimously panned piece. If I go the whole run without anyone enjoying it SG better do something cool like make the font red or put an "X" on it.

You know, it's no longer funny to say stuff like "that's two hours of my life I'll never get back," or "so and so owes me nine bucks for making me sit thru blah blah..."

Someone funny came up with it, you laughed when you first heard it, and then you decided to try it out for yourself. It was fun! Then five years passed and thousands of other people used it, too.

I'm sorry... It's over. Let it go out with some dignity.

Ha that is actually genuinely creepy. They'll probably pull this after a bunch of kids start feering chipmunks in the park..

I was not being sarcastic. I thought it was hilarious.

I hope you're not talking about the old children's favorite, Alvin and the Chipmunks, because that was a rehash of the 50s/60s Chipmunks, done without the input of their creator (who was dead by then). The Chipmunks have been being reinvented just about every decade since their conception in the late 50s. This is no different than the last Chipmunk movie in the 90s, the 80s TV show, the 60s TV show, or the 50s records. They are entertainment repackaging brought to an art form.

This is my favorite article ever.