Why women don't see the funny side of their mothers-in-law
By
Andrew Levy
Last updated at 6:42 PM on 01st December 2008
It is usually husbands who crack the jokes about difficult, interfering mothers-in-law.
But their wives probably have more reason to complain.
A study of hundreds of families has found that mothers are far more likely to feud with a daughter-in-law than a son-in-law.
Nearly two-thirds of daughters-in-law accused their husband's mother of 'unreasonably jealous maternal love'.
A similar proportion of mothers-in-law complained they had been isolated and excluded by a female addition to the family.
Charlie Honeywell (Jennifer Lopez) squares up to mother-in-law Viola Fields (Jane Fonda) who thinks no girl is good enough for son in the movie Monster-In-Law
Dr Terri Apter, a psychologist at Newnham College, Cambridge, has spent 20 years researching the type of battles seen in the film Monster-in-Law, starring Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez.
She interviewed 49 couples and 156 other people, and drew on past studies to compile her new book, What Do You Want From Me?
She said: 'As they struggle to achieve the same position in the family as primary woman, each tries to establish or protect their status, each feels threatened by the other.
'Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law conflict often emerges from an expectation that each is criticising or undermining the other. But this mutual unease may have less to do with actual attitudes and far more to do with persistent female norms that few of us manage to shake off completely.'
These 'norms' include the fact that wives are still usually in charge of the cooking, cleaning and children's welfare - opening them up to criticism from an older woman who has done it all before.
And many women cannot break the habits of childhood, when they ousted rivals from playground cliques using subtle and indirect insults over extended periods of time. Dr Apter said one woman she spoke to began receiving messages from her mother-in-law-to-be two months before the wedding.
Jenny, 26, from North London, said one warned: 'My son thinks about me every day, every minute of the day, every second of every minute of the day.' Other letters were critical, intrusive or seeking pity.
Another interviewee, mother-in-law Annie, 64, from Yorkshire, said: 'My daughter-in-law is so cold towards me.
'She begrudges any time or attention my son gives to me and takes every opportunity to minimise the importance and depth of bond he and I have.'
Dr Apter said that 75 per cent of couples reported having some sort of problem-with an in-law but only 15 per cent of mother-in-law/son-in-law relationships were described as difficult.
The growth of mother-in-law jokes among men, Dr Apter added, was because they deal with tension in different ways to women. 'Women keep hoping that they can find a way to make things better. They feel really bad about the fact that they are unable to get on with their in-law,' she said.
Dr Apter said the best way to stop the fights was to show appreciation of the in-law, 'which should waylay bids for power, which are really just clumsy ways of gaining reassurance'.
Take a look at our pick of the funniest mother-in-law jokes
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Here's what readers have had to say so far. Why not add your thoughts below?
A great article - my mother -in-law was quite civil to me until we became engaged after three happy years of courtship, then the knives were out for the next two years whilst I finished college and we renovated our first home. A week before our wedding she said she would give me a lift back to my parents' after I had spent a day painting in our future home. I thought this was very kind and accepted gratefully - as it saved me a long bus ride - I really thought she had decided to turn over a new leaf and was very relieved ( my husband being an only child ). We were about halfway and she came over all confidential and in a charming voice she said " Are you really sure you want to go through with this dear ? Even the best of men are SELFISH it's not too late to call a halt "!! That set the tone for our relationship, I never trusted her again. We have been happily married for 42 years and I have vowed and hope I practice to treat my son's partners with the respect and love that I missed.
My mother-in-law was a lovely lady, and we always got on so well, perhaps because when I married my husband (her son) we were both in our thirties, and he had been in the army for many years, and therefore he had left home a long time ago. My MIL was great, we used to go out shopping together, and would sit for hours chatting about all sorts. When she died, I grieved as much as my husband, and miss her very much.
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I haven't even married my boyfriend yet and his mother has already started with her on-going childish bitchy which my boyfriend refuses to acknowledge. Not only that but his father joins in to support her. As soon as I think it's water under the bridge, she starts on me again. I sometimes really do wish the earth would open up and swallow her whole.
- Anon, London, 01/12/2008 16:35