As Advent begins, an unseasonal blast from an irascible broadcaster: 'I'm no Scrooge...but please don't send me any bloomin' Christmas cards'
By
John Humphrys
Last updated at 9:44 AM on 01st December 2008
Though Advent has only just begun, I had my first Christmas card a fortnight ago. Such a thrill, isn't it, the first card? Such a welcome reminder that we truly have entered the season of peace on earth and goodwill to all men.
And so heart-warming to know that there is someone out there who cares enough to go to all the trouble of searching the shelves of the shops to find just that perfect little card that will appeal to me personally, carrying it home, writing a little message reminding us both of why it is that our friendship is so important, sticking a stamp on the envelope and trudging off to the post box through the icy November wind. Truly, I feel blessed.
Getting into the festive spirit
Or at least, I would if any of that had happened. The card arrived, sure enough, but it did not come from a friend.
It came from the Post Office, who wanted to thank me for being one of their customers and to assure me that they were doing everything in their power to provide me with an even better service next year than they had provided in the year gone by.
I expect you got one, too, on account of the fact that it's fairly likely that you are also a Post Office customer. Is there anyone in the land who is not?
And I'm prepared to wager a case of the finest fizz to a used stamp that you had exactly the same reaction as I did, even as you dumped the card in the recycling bin.
First, you would have been intensely irritated by the banality of the greeting: 'We're all about you this Christmas.' Really? What about last Christmas then? Who were you 'all about' then?
And then you would have wondered why the Post Office is wasting its money (our money, dammit) sending out this rubbish.
Even if it doesn't have to buy the stamps because it gets them for free, it must cost something to print the idiotic cards and send them out to every customer in the land.
And when you have thought that, you will also have thought something along these lines: if money is so tight at the Post Office that it can no longer manage two deliveries a day, and sometimes the post doesn't arrive until you are stirring your milk into your Ovaltine, how can it afford to fritter it away on something which serves only to alienate half the population?
All this came to mind when my co-presenter Sarah Montague took me to task on the Today programme for a throwaway remark I made last week.
I had said, unwisely ( throwaway remarks on a programme like Today are almost always unwise), that I do not send Christmas cards.
My comment was prompted by the Bishop of Reading, Dr Stephen Cottrell, who reportedly thinks we should send fewer cards this Christmas. As he put it, they gather on the doormat, multiply in the hall and end up taking over mantelpieces, shelves and even walls.
And then, after Christmas is over, their empty promises of 'we must catch up soon' end up in the rubbish bin. What a sensible man. I have only one criticism: he did not go far enough. Why don't we ban Christmas cards altogether?
Yes, I know that sounds unbelievably Scrooge-like, and I'm not suggesting a new law making the sending of cards a punishable offence - though, come to think of it, we might sentence repeat offenders to 24 hours in a sealed room listening to endless canned carols of the type shops force on us from early autumn, whether we like it or not.
We could even lock up the store's muzak-loving manager with them. Two offences punished for the price of one, as it were.
But it won't be easy. We'd have to have a legal definition of what constitutes a Christmas card in the first place.
It's not so very long ago that you knew exactly what to expect: a nice Christmassy picture, probably Jesus in a manger or maybe a jolly Santa or a robin on a Yule log.
The message would say something brilliantly unoriginal such as 'Merry Christmas'. When did you last get one of those?
Let's be clear that I am not trying to destroy an ancient tradition - not that it's terribly ancient anyway. It's only about 150 years since the first cards were sent. No, I'm trying to defend it.
Bah-Humbug: Ebenezer Scrooge
I think sending a card to someone you care for who happens to live a long way away is a lovely thing to do. And there are plenty of older, lonely people who get a huge amount of pleasure from opening their cards before Christmas.
I think the last person I sent a card to was the old lady who had taught me Pitman's shorthand in my teens, and who lived alone well into her 90s.
She took huge care in selecting appropriate cards and inscribing thoughtful messages to former pupils in her beautiful shorthand, and she loved receiving cards in return.
But the whole business has been horribly devalued.
The card has been hijacked by a sinister coalition of political activists, commercial chancers, certain stores who cynically pocket most of the profit from so-called 'charity' cards, boastful parents and assorted weirdos who think it's hilarious to poke fun at any sort of tradition: the cruder the joke, the better.
Things really started to go off the rails when some underemployed junior official in Whitehall or the local council (probably the same one who dreamed up 'winterval') decided that people who weren't Christians might be offended if they were wished a Happy Christmas. So instead we have 'Season's Greetings'. Utterly meaningless.
But the rot had already set in. Every commercial organisation you'd ever had the slightest dealing with decided the one thing you wanted most of all was a card depicting their charming factory, tastefully dusted in snow with the workforce lined up outside trying - and failing - to smile spontaneously.
But possibly even worse (because you have to pretend to like them) are the Christmas round-robin letters accompanied by pictures of the family you met in Spain on holiday 11 years ago, and wish devoutly never to meet again, which tell you in teeth-grinding detail just how brilliantly every member of the family has been doing for the past year.
There really is no defence against them.
I once toyed with the idea of replying with a brief, tear-stained note saying something like: 'Please send no more of these. It's just too hurtful. My entire family was wiped out during the year when a large petrol tanker crashed into the house. They never stood a chance.' But I suppose that would have been a little tasteless.
In all honesty, I don't really expect my ban to receive widespread public acclaim, though we could at least modify our behaviour just a little.
We could break the vicious circle of sending a card to everyone who sends us one, however much we may dislike them.
And we could refuse to have any dealings whatsoever with all those companies who waste their profits and our time by bombarding us with what amounts to junk mail in the guise of 'Season's Greetings'.
Which reminds me - I wonder if I'll get a card from Number Ten this year . . .
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I know a number of people who give the money they would have spent on the cards to charity instead, i think everyone who knows them appreceates the gesture
Thank you John, a timely piece and thank you Mike in France, well said. At this point I believe enough has been said.
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In an age where we communicate less I would have thought a card was a welcome thing . Take the card away and another tradition hits the dust . I daresay we send some cards out of a sense of duty but there are some cards which are sent with genuine sentiment .Which would you rather have a drop of happiness through your letterbox or a miserable empty mantlepiece ? I hope we keep on sending cards though I suspect the decline has already started , boy are we going to be boring and sterile with just our laptops for comfort !
- Susan, France, 01/12/2008 15:48