So I just got back from seeing Twilight. In case you live in a cage, Twilight is the new book sensation. It's what Harry Potter fans are now reading now that their hormones have kicked in. I've heard the books are pretty good (comparatively speaking) and to me anything that gets kids reading is a great idea.

But I have to tell you, the movie sucks balls.

Spoilers within.....

So yeah, Twilight.

Tomorrow is my daughters 13th birthday. For her birthday party, she wanted to invite a bunch of her friends out to see Twilight on opening night.

So the wife, myself and 8 pre-teen girls went out to see Twilight.

First of all - everything they say about this being a phenomenon is true. We got to the theater an hour early and there was already in line. There were almost no guys in attendance, but there were plenty of teen girls wearing homemade Twilight shirts. You would think a movie about vampires would attract a lot of goths, but the audience was largely the hollister and ambercrombie set.

I have not read the book, and I probably wouldn't if it weren't for the fact that it would give my wife and I something new to talk about. Although, I tried that with the Davinci code, and look where that got me. Makes me ill just thinking of that book. I am dumber for having read it.

Twilight is the story of a family of vampires that live in the pacific northwest who have sworn off feeding on humans and instead work to control the deer population. Awkward teen Bella moves into town to live with her Dad (Mom moved off with a minor league softball player).

She joins a new school where she makes friends and gets instantly moist over one of the students, who is of course, a vampire.

You can probably see where this is going. The plot is so basic and unchallenging, it is almost insulting.

Bella is your typical hollywood "odd" girl. You know, totally hot with perfect complexion, but because she doesnt do her hair a certain way she is an outcast.

Yeah.

The two meet, forbidden love, he is a vampire, evil vampires are on the loose blah blah blah you know how this is going to go.

To give you an idea about who this movie is written for, when we see Edward for the first time, the entire theater literally squealed. When they share their first kiss, the whole place went "oooOOOOOooooooh!"

Some of the ideas presented in the movie are neat enough, but the characters are so boring and lazy and the plot painfully simple and linear, that only those with the simplest demands from their entertainment will be satisfied.

And lets not forget the plot holes that you can drive a truck through. So Edward is over 100 years old, but stuck looking 17. Why is he in high school? He's gone over and over again... Is he just trying to score chicks? How come nobody else notices that there is an entire clan of albino weirdos living in town who can't be seen out in the sun? You also keep expecting to see some kind of wrap up to the relationship between Bella and her dad, but it just dies on the vine.

I've been told that the book addresses all of these issues, and my wife, who is a big fan of the book, thought the movie sucked.

My daughter, and all her friends loved the movie. That should tell you something right there.

Anne Rice did it better.