Sega Game Gear
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Sega Game Gear was a semi-portable gaming device released in 1991, even though it would have been obsolete two years earlier when compared to the Nintendo Game Boy (which was the same shit, only Nintendo-branded and with a smaller puke-colored, totally invisible screen). Fortunately, it did not generate the same amount of success as the Game Boy to say the least. Game Gear slightly edged out castration in a poll of enjoyability, making it not as bad as Virtual Boy.
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[edit] Fanboys Unite!!!!1!1
The Game Gear started life as a weapon Sega fanboys used to hunt other fanboys. Word soon spread that this device which weighed at least 100 pounds could play games. Fanboys rejoiced and proclaimed they were the best. The Game Gear had a back light that could light up the screen, allegedly making it easier to play in sunlight - an ironic concept as most children playing computer consoles from 1990 onwards had no idea what sunlight was. The settings were extremely bleached out colors, blinding white, 99% black, and off. It also used 72 AA-Batteries which had a life span of 7 minutes. This gave it a power reactor that rivaled nuclear power. Fanboys quickly proclaimed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND" volts.
However, it didn't sell for four reasons.
- 1. 16 year old girl demography didn't support it.
- 2. Sega is the company sponsored by Ann Coulter.
- 3. /b/ didn't exist at the time
- 4. LOL, Sega
[edit] Games Available for the Game Gear
The only game ever created for the Game Gear was Columns, a Tetris clone that had all of the frustration and none of the fun or playability. It is rumored that, unlike Tetris, it was possible to actually beat Columns if a high enough score was attained. Unfortunately this was never proven, as the Game Gear's batteries would be drained long before such a score could even be approached. Nobody ever dared to plug the device into mains electricity as scientists had already proven that doing so would effectively switch off the sun for a period of at least 7 minutes.
[edit] Sega Bites The Curb
The Game Gear shared the same processor as the Master System, a failed system. This was arguably the best idea in history, rivaling only New Coke. Game Gear was essentially a portable failed system that set the pace for a horrible, horrible series of failures (Sega Mega CD, Sega 32X, Sega Saturn, Sega Mega PC etc.).
[edit] Teh End
The Game Gear was mercifully ended by Sega before Game Boy Color even came out, which would have only made the lulz more plentiful. Currently, you can find a used Game Gear for about $5 at a garage sale. Discovery Channel says if you put more than 10 Game Gear systems in the same room, Satan will appear. This is not confirmed, and since no one has seen a Game Gear in at least 100 years, it never will be.
The most significant media mention of the Game Gear since 2002 was in the magazine Electronic Gaming Monthly. Half way through a review the word Game Gear was mentioned. This launched garage sale prices from $4.25 to $4.75, surpassing the Tickle Me Elmo, He-Man action figures, and that stroller I bought in 1982 but only used a few times since my wife divorced me because of her newly found Feminism, and she got custody. At least I got my boat though.
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Sega Game Gear is part of a series on Gaming. |
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