American Idol
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
While many top e-psychologists have ruled the internet to be the most serious of businesses, many argue that American Idol is the most professional, serious of serial businesses to ever exist on Muhammad's great, purple Earth. The professionalism of this serious business is evident in the fact that it's always number one in ratings every single year. While you might think this implies American Idol to be a good show, it is really just hundreds of pop star/country singer/rock star rejects clambering to win a lesser-of-infinite-evils contest. Every contestant ever to win this show has gone on to release a shitty, uninspired album consisting of songs that are all the same. If you know a friend who actually buys these albums, and loves everything American Idol related, please do the world a favor and shoot that friend in the face, as these people are a common cause of cancer. There's 30 million of these people, so there's a lot of work to be done.
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[edit] Format of the Show
For about the first month or so, AI is actually worth watching, since here they show lulz that would be regarded as some of the lulziest hours on television. Basically, unique batshit people who can't sing come in and waste the producer's time, because they're attention whores and think anyone but themselves will care that they went on TV, and sacrificed whatever dignity and self respect they ever had. Most people do it for the lulz. Interestingly enough, the people who are shown during the audition round possess a wider range of suckitude than the people who are actually good possess a range of being a quality singer. To put that in normal people terms, everyone who gets through sounds the fucking same.
After a bunch of losers are picked, the show moves onto Hollywood Week, where the contestants go through many lulzy reality show antics such as writing their own, terrible songs and pairing up in threesomes. To much disappointment, no sex ever occurs in these threesomes. Although I'm sure much relief was felt when everyone found out Ruben Studdard wouldn't be taking off his clothes. No one wants to see that fat blob of chocolate pudding rolling around on the ground, burying his gelatinous head into Kelly Clarkson's vagoo. Then blah blah blah, tedious boring elimination process, talent gets better, not worth watching, only complete faggots truly give a shit, etc.
[edit] A typical black girl band entry
Simon: So, what are your names?
Sluts: Ah, this is Sheneequa, this is Aneeta, this is Hanita, (etc).
Simon: Ok, and what are you going to sing?
Sluts: We gunna sing (Insert dramatic/slightly romantic song name here) by Destiny's Child.
Slut 1: Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah, no, no, yeah
Slut 2: WHOAWHOABABYNONOBABYWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOANONONONONONOBABYBABYBABY
Slut 3: Whooa-ooh, yeah, yeah whooa-ooh, yeah
Simon: Ok, stop.
Sluts: Ah yea was it good?
Simon: No, it was absolute crap.
Sluts: AH YEA U CAN'T SING DON'T DIS A'AR TALENT U GO TRY SING DEN LISTEN TO DIS U STILL DON'T WANNA LET DIS THRU
Slut 1: NONONONONONBABYABYABYANONONOABYBAYBYABYBAYBANAONAONAYBAYBAYBAANAN
- NOTE: All three sluts try to get a pity pass to Hollywood, claiming those were the noises they made as they got raeped.
(Eventually, Simon has to call security to remove the sluts.)
[edit] Reject Lulz moments
[edit] American Idol is a Corporate Whore
When American Idol isn't pimping people who are carbon copies of the last million pop singers to pollute this earth, it's dropping its skimpy mini skirt in public and opening itself up to rape, although it would technically be consensual, since American Idol loves money like Simon Cowell loves his cocks. On a regular basis, the show is assfucked by Cingular, Coca-Cola, Ryan Seacrest's hundreds of various hair products, and Ford. Hell, half the show is devoted to promoting these shit companies.
Kelly Clarkson adopts to the new scene.
[edit] The Judges
[edit] Randy Jackson
Stereotypical useless Nigglet who raffles off overused Niggarian slang, such as "Yo dog!", and "That was aiight man!". He's almost as equally useless as Paula. For a great drinking game, take a shot of Tequila (or eat a chicken wing, Randy's favorite food) every time Randy calls someone pitchy. The game would apply to every time he says "Yo", if it weren't for the fact that you would be given alcohol poisoning/diabetes from this.
[edit] Simon Cowell
He is the only mentally capable person of the three judges, actually giving helpful comments to the contestants. Because American Idol's fanbase is so mind fuckingly retarded, they boo every single thing that comes out of Simon's mouth, because criticism is BAD and WRONG!!!!1111one It doesn't really matter though, since Simon actually made the show. Because of this fact, Simon is not entitled to life, though the possibility exists that he might have created the show just so sentient life can enjoy the lulz delivered by his constant verbal pwnage of the contestants. It will be an especially lulzworthy moment when Simon meets Snapesnogger, even though he will be torn apart by her fans.
Some contestants argue that Simon should not be on the show due to being English, even though they miss the point that Randy is a nigger from god knows where and Paula is an offspring of a Syrian and a Canadian Jew, therefore making Simon more ideally American than the other judges.
[edit] Paula Abdul
Although she has constantly denied it, one can clearly see that Paula Abdul carries about ten whiskey canteens in her bra at a time (got to do something to make up for all that missing merchandise!), sneaking drinks from them about every half second. Because of this, Paula always acts drunk when she's on American Idol. She can deny that she's an alcoholic all she wants, but there's no way in hell she wasn't on something when she decided to hit this. It would be a mistake to ask Paula what she was thinking, since this would imply that Ms. Abdul actually forms thoughts in that sad little brain of hers. As for her skills as a judge; she never has anything useful to say. Ever.
[edit] The Hosts
[edit] Ryan Seacrest
A closet homosexual who loves to wear women's underwear and beachwear under his suits every time he goes on American Idol. He is infamous for his catchphrase "Seacrest, out", leading him to believe he's hot shit. Although whenever he tries to act chummy with the judges, they treat him like a big ugly dog with warts on its eyes and shun him. He once had an extremely faggy live talk show on FOX, but it got canceled, much to the dismay of his 10 fans. Probably because FOX is poor as shit and couldn't afford Seacrest giving away so much free crap. He should be hit in the face with a tire iron and thrown screaming from a top the tallest nearby skyscraper.
It has been confirmed by former underage female AI contestants, that Simon Cowell forced them to perform sexual favors for him in turn for teh win.
[edit] Bryan Dunkleman
Oh hell, who even cares about this faggot.
[edit] "Real Talent"
In Texas, there arouse such a man that all were in awe. But he was a humble man, insisting that it was Simon Cowell's glowing man-spunk that gave him an incredible voice. This man was the silver-clad Renaldo Lapuz.
[edit] Vote for the Worst
During the third season of American Idol, a community called Vote for the Worst formed in the deepest bowels of the internet. Basically, a bunch of people band together to vote for the worst contestant on the show, to purposely piss off the producers and make AI fans butthurt and angry. This community alone has made the latest season, season six, highly watchable since instead of just a few people sucking, everyone sucks. They are Internet Nazis, as 3 or more posts per day on the VFTW forum qualifies an instaban. Currently, the Nazis are pooling support for Jason "Stoner" Castro. Now that they Failed Miserably in keeping one Faggot, now they pool their support for David "Gaspy" Archuleta. So far, they are succeeding. They fail in the end. Many lulz are had at this as all the fangirls cry.
[edit] Sandjob
But no one sucked quite like Sanjaya "Sandjob" Malakar. For several weeks during the finals in 2007, Sanjaya was hulaing his way though the top 12. In doing this, he had successfully pissed off everyone involved with American Idol. He even made a little girl cry with his shrieking. Simon has even gone so far as to say he'd quit American Idol if Sanjaya wins. (This statement makes one thing very clear: Sanjaya must win American Idol. Except he didn't. Karma finally caught up with his candy-ass faggotry.) He also has a sister with quite the set of jugs. She originally made it to Hollywood Week, but got cut near the end, most likely due to Simon's hatred of the breasts. The /i/nsurgency was to answer to the call of Anonymous and see through to the victory of Sandjob, but they also got fucking owned.
[edit] Idol winners
American Idol winners follow a formula- every last one of them was an unattractive, untalented, sell-out bitch who dropped out of school to be on the show, can't sing worth a fuck, and fucked the judges to win, even though the season was staged so that could win. They then pull an album out of their ass that has the scent Prostate cancer on it THE NEXT FUCKING DAY, and repeatedly insist a prepared speech that anyone who thinks it's odd is just a "jealous dumbass" (carrie underwood's actual words!).
In fact, the idols actually take longer to tour than legit musicians, because after they shit out their album, they instantly begin doing months of nothing but commercial jingles and the same putrid Disney load of shit commercial where it shows them fucking up "When you Wish Upon a Star", while they're being crowned Idol in slow motion and you can see the ghoulish, pruny smirk on their face that reminds you of Dubya when he gets away with his newest ass-rape.
The only notable Idol winner ever was Kelly Clarkson, but the only reason people didn't instantly forget who she was is because she looks like a pear shitting a pumpkin out of it's stem, which is so much lulz that people overlook the fact that she has a range of maybe half a note. Clarkson is such a God-Awful singer that there was a point people would rather listen to William Hung than her. The rest of the Idol "winners" should go here. Though Carrie Underwood's NFL commercial where it you saw her dick brought her a quick 15 seconds of fame.
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
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