Pokémon
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Pokémon started out as just a humble Game Boy game, but it soon bloated into a massive cult that recruited 9-year-olds who fap'd to teh pokemonz along with a shitty TV show, a card game, consecutive video games, stuffed animals, bedsheets, movies, plastic toys made in China, thongs, condoms and some very disturbing hentai and marital aids. The whole thing ended when the cult had a final stand-off with the government in Waco. What was left of the once noble franchise was soon raped to death by Yu-Gi-Oh cards.
The final nail in the coffin of Pokémon's popularity is the fact that wikipedophiles place articles about them on the front page (for example, here), and that all the original voice actors of the anime have been fired.
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Video games
Note that, although Nintendo claims to sell several versions of each game, each is really identical, and it is all a ploy to sell more cartridges, link cables, and wireless adapters. The sequels are also all the same game, just the old main character is killed off and replaced, and new Pokémon are unveiled.
RGB
The original video games are actually pretty good, that is, if you like shit graphics, extreme glitchiness, and bestiality. It was created by an otaku who enjoyed collecting bugs, and so, the object of the game is for you to catch cute little animals with your balls and force them to murder each other in battle. To win, one must also obtain all the PokéGods, secret Pokémon that have Digivolved to the highest level, such as Mew, Ho-oh, and Proxy-Connection: keep-alive Cache-Control: max-age=0. These Pokémon are unlocked by releasing all your Pokémon after defeating the Leet Four exactly 666 times and then using the Super Rod repeatedly behind the easter egg truck.
There was a secret cheat could you could get to catch a character called "Missingno", a glitch in the gameplay, allowing you to clone items and have Pokemon with max power levels. Doing this eventually wipes your game save, and not only that, if you use your Nintendo Game Boy connect cable to trade these glitch Pokemon with your best friend, it will also rape their game save as well. This has been compared to the Pokemon equivalent of AIDS by leading scholars, because they both result in certain death of the infected target.
Gold and Silver
Quite literally exact copies of the original games, only with slightly better graphics, colored Pokémon, the infamous Misty skinny-dipping cut scene, and a bunch of new Pokemon. This cycle would repeat several times over, each time adding better graphics and more Pokemon, but never actually evolving the gameplay or plot in the slightest.
These games also introduced the concept of Pokémon breeding, which makes all of the Pokémon-on-Pokémon Rule 34 ever conceived technically canon.
Ruby and Sapphire
The next games in the series came out for the Game Boy Advance. They featured new villains, Team Aqua and Team Magma, who think global warming is a good thing. The only positive aspect of these games was the introduction of Mudkips.
Diamond and Perl
These latest sequels in the Pokémon franchise add connectability with teh internets, so you can trade your Mewtwo for a Magikrap from around the world!!!111 You can also download Ash x Gary yaoi straight to your Nintendo DS. Just be sure to carry a strong anti-virus Pokémon in your party at all times, or risked being pwned by a wild virus Pokémon encountered on the tubes.
They also feature Cynthia as the Pokémon League Champion, her existence the result of mass controversy and butthurt amongst Nintendo.
The anime
The Pokémon anime tells the story of hermaphroditic Ash Ketchcum, whose hollow life is devoted entirely to Pokémon fanboyism. Therefore, he teams up with his best buddy and partner, the electrified rat, Pikachu, and sets out to catch 'em all.
Ash is soon accompanied by Misty O'IttyBittyTitties, former underage fetish model. He is also joined by Brock Statue Tory, all around horn dog and charter member of the Nurse Joy appreciation club. A running joke involves Brock cumming in his pants whenever he sees anything with breasts, which happens with amazing frequency considering his eyes are permanently closed. However, the reason for Brock's weird-ass behavior is because he is gay. This is the only explanation to why he has never had a girlfriend, and why he loves to cook. As the rest of the gang are major gay-bashers, he hides this with his girl "obsession".
Ash is chased around the world by Team Rocket members Jesse, James, and their annoying retarded cat. They supply 95% of this show's lulz in the form of endless attempts to steal Pikachu so that their boss would love the shit out of them again, not like he did anyway. They are also the subject of many shipping wars among fans who are just too dumb to realize James is gay.
Misty later leaves the show after getting knocked up and is promptly replaced by May, a jailbait whore with breasts that rival your mom's. May brings along her brother Max, an incestuous little fuckface, who is later killed, along with Tracy, by Hitler and his Nazis. In order to boost ratings, Dawn is then introduced to the show, and considering that she's 10 years old, she is an even bigger whore than the other girls, (if possible), mainly due to her extremely short skirt. She has the smallest chest, probably as fan service for pedophiles, amirite?
Some argue the entire series is merely Ash's coma-induced dream, revealing such elements of his subconscious as his repressed sexual feelings and poor relationship with his father, which is most likely true if he runs away from home to serch for da weird tings known as Pokemon. These people need to find something better to do than psychoanalyzing bad anime.
Fansites
Back in the day, everyone and their grandmother created an animated-gif-filled Pokémon fansite on Geoshities, named using a complex algorithm to find the perfect combination of the words "Master," "Ultimate," "Legendary," and an arbitrarily chosen Pokémon mascot. These fansites come complete with instructions on how to get Mew and Pikablu in the games, Pokémon/Zelda crossover fanfiction, and in-depth discussions on AshxLugia shipping (OTP!!!).
The internet currently holds the undeleted remnants of these fansites, the Pokémon wiki Bulbapedia, and multiple copypasta versions of serebii.net. PokéFags also seem to think people are interested in watching 10-minute-long YouTube videos of them messing around with their Pokémon games and a GameShark.
Pokémon shipping wars
As Pokémon forums emerged, 16-year-old girls could post threads asking "OMGZ! U THINK ASH AND MISTY LEIK EACH OTHER?" Fair enough question, except Ash is a retard and has the emotional threshold of a brick. They called the ship "Pokeshipping" or, for the Wapanese, "SatoKasu". But then, the yaoi fangirls came out and INSISTED Ash and his rival, Gary Oak, wanted sekrit buttsex with each other. They called it "Palletshipping" because they were both rivals from Pallet town. And then the Palletshippers and Pokeshippers flamed each other.
Then some other people went "NO WAI! Brock and Misty are in love! It's called Gymshipping cuz they're both gym leaders!" And so the Gymshippers flamed the Pokeshippers. And then different yaoi fangirls went "Nuh-uh, girlfriend! Ash and Brock are soooo fux0ring!" They called themselves Bouldershippers. And they flamed the Pokeshippers and Palletshippers.
AND THEN, Brock left the show for a while and was replaced by that fag, Tracey. And the Gymshippers and Bouldershippers went "OMGWTF?" But then some other shippers showed up and paired Misty with Tracey, and called themselves Orangeshippers because it was the Orange island saga. They flamed the Gymshippers and the Pokeshippers. And there was also people who shipped Ash and Tracey but I forgot what they were called and I don't really give a shit.
Eventually Brock came back, and the fag Tracey was left with Professor Oak (which is also shipped, but no one really argues over that since it's canon), and the shipping wars came back to normal for the entirety of the over-padded Johto Journeys.
Then, the bomb hit. "MISTY'S LEAVING OMGWTF?!!"
That was the reaction when the girl for Advanced Generation, Haruka (later called May by the 4Kids fascists), was introduced. Pokeshippers tried to convince themselves that it was still Misty, with different hair and clothes (and bigger tits). But it wasn't. So then they told themselves "OMG, I BET MISTY AND ASH WILL CONFESS THEIR LUUUV AND KISS! AND ASH IS WEARING DIFFERENT CLOTHES NEXT SEASON BECAUSE SHE GAVE THEM TO HIM!!!111". However, this was not to be. So the Pokeshippers locked themselves in their rooms in defeat, repeating "Theys in love, theys in love, theys in love my preciousssssssss....." Somehow, a similar fallout did not happen with Gymshippers.
So, May came on the show, with her overdeveloped jailbait tits and ass, and Ash, being dumber than a brick, didn't notice. Despite that, people still paired them, called the Advanceshippers (or "SatoHaru"). The distressed-but-determined Pokeshippers weren't going to give up yet, so then came a second wave of flamewars between the Advanceshippers and the Pokeshippers (by then, everyone forgot about Gary). These wars also incorporated Contestshipping (May/Drew, who is the kid with the awful green hair) Brock/May shipping (which doesn't have a name, but it makes the most sense since she uses him as a sugar daddy a lot), and even the incestuous pairing of May with her nerd brother, Max.
At the end of Advanced generation, nothing happened between Ash and May, but May ended up stalking Drew to another place, so Contestshipping was declared canon. And so, the Advanceshippers joined the Pokeshippers in their asylums, where they now spend time writing lame fanfiction in an attempt to repair the damage to their brains caused by the loss of the female half of their OTP with no hope of return.
The new season Pokemon D/P (for Double Penetration Diamond/Pearl Double Penetration), and the new girl is Hikari... I mean Dawn (nice name, Pokemon USA). Because she simply exists in the show, she and Ash are shipped by Pearlshippers, or is it Diamondshippers (Wapanese use SatoHika). There is also Ikarishipping, pairing Dawn and Shinji (Paul in the Engrish) just so he can be paired with somebody, and-- oh, fuck it, you know what's going to happen. Flamewars all over the place.
You think after all that TL;DR, we'd be done. No, that was just the twerp ships, the very tip of the iceberg.
The stars of the show, Team Rocket, have been the center of the most brutal ongoing flamewar outside of the Harry Potter fandom, and both sides have ended up looking like fucktards. Jessie and James, through the sheer fact that they are always together (and hugging when they're scared), must be in love. Nevermind James acts like a total faggot (although the Wapanese fans swear this is only because the fascists at 4kids hired that faggot, Eric Stuart, to voice him) and Jessie acts like a total whore. BUT THEYS HOLDIN HANDZ IN THA BALLOON! AND THEY GOT MARRIED IN THE MANGA! AND.. UM... JAMES HASN'T SET JESSIE ON FIRE AND PISSED ON HER SHOUTING "I HATE WIMMINZ@@!" SO IT MUST BE LUV! Such is the logic of the Rocketshippers, who might just be forgiven if they kept it to their forums and websites and not infect everywhere with their OOC fanfiction.
On the opposite side are a different sort of extremists, the Anti-Rocketshippers. Their rallying place is "satire" site Pokemopolis, run by two sheep fucking kiwis, Tim and Lex, who hate Japan and worship 4Kids. Despite claiming to be satire, their Anti-Rocketshipping stance is serious business. James IS A FAG! AND IT'S FUNNY! HE TOTALLY CAN'T STAND JESSIE! BUT TIM CAN! TIM LOVES JESSIE EVEN THOUGH HE CALLS HER A WHORE! OMGZ, ROCKETSHIPPERS ARE TERRORISTS! LOL! WE'RE KIDDING! BUT WE STILL HATE YOU! Such is the passive-aggressive hypocrisy of Tim and Lex. In reality, Dodgemaster Tim is a self-hating homosexual who wants to fuck James, but he covers it up by lusting after Jessie in a misogynist manner. And Lex is just a bitch.
4Kids and Pokémon USA drama
The Pokémon anime was originally dubbed for US distribution by 4Kids. Several episodes were banhammered by 4Kids for reasons varying from Brock sneezing during the SARS epidemic, to an overabundance of evil Japanese culture, to James showing off his new boobs, to Porygon-induced subliminal messages that would cause seizures and the buying of more Pokémon merchandise. This topic can cause fanboys to rant for hours on their fansites or online journals.
Eventually, Pokémon USA stepped in and yoinked the anime away from 4Kids. All the "fans" who had previously bitched about how 4Kids was raping the series now acted like it was the apocalypse that the voice artists had been replaced. They set up at least 100 online petitions to reinstate the old voices. Pokémon is clearly serious business. To make the lulz even better, one of their voice actors, Eric Stuart (who did James and Brock) posted about the voice actor changeover on his website, whining like a 13-year-old boy and spamming his own guestbook out of rage.
4Kids Hates Riceballs
Typical scene in Pokemon
Undeniable proof that Meowth is a homosexual.
Ash Ketchum nearly gets his ass capped
James is a tranny
Black guys love Pokémon
So I herd you liek bulbasaur
Card Game
In 1996, Wizards Of The Coast released a trading card game translating the cards (badly) from Japan.
The cardgame involved the strategy of flipping over 9000 coins and using the same fucking cards for every deck.
Later, when Nintendo realized they didn't have to rely on Wizards shitty rules, broke up with their homoerotic coporate lovers, and began releasing it independently. But by then Pokémon had lost popularity anyway. And was reserved for ghetto kids who's parents could not afford cable, and pedophiles.
The new card game, featured the same basic principles: coin-flipping, same fucking cards, and sticking to a theme.
Elements in the pokemon tcg
There were several colors...err..."elements" in the start, adding two more later.
Grass: Nobody played grass. Except for Jim Profit, but nobody likes him anyway. Grass involved using the same poison attack on twenty different cards.
Fire: Fire was for dumb kids who wanted to use their favorite pokemon for their deck. They always got beaten and had their good cards stolen. The stratagy involved doing mundane amounts of damage, and wasting energy.
Water: Water decks were playes by Fags who fapped to sheman Misty. The stratagy involved using doing more damage by adding more energy to your pokemon! OMGZ nova!
Psychic: Psychic fags were always noticable as they wanted to their super rare Mewtwo card!!!eleven111 But you would let them because Mewtwo sucked and then they'd get thier asses kicked in a children's cardgame.
Fighting: Fighting was for unoriginal faggots who didn't know how to do anything else but flip coins and deal damage. Needless to say, they always win.
Lighting: Lightning was used by girls who didn't know what the fuck they were doing. Lightning stratagy involved flipping coins to deal what other pokemons were dealing without coinflips, and self destruct which dealed a whole 40 damage, WOW!
Steel: Steel came later, and was all about defense and lots of HP. Steel had alot more cards in Japan. But America was scared that the cards would give American kids seizures and encourage communism because of the emphasis on industrial work..
Dark: Dark, like Steel. Was intended to be a non-basic land...ERR... "energy" that was splashed in decks. Unlike steel, dark appealed to angst 13 year old boys and there's now more pokemon that can use dark energy then anything else. CRAAAAWWWLING IN MY SKIIIIN! THESE WOOOOUNDS THEY WIIILLL NOOOOT HEEEAAALLL! (Oh wait, I have a pokeberry, I guess they will heal)
Normal: Otherwise known as colorless. Normal pokemon could use any other energy and was a favorite of pedophiles. These pedophiles would purposely make all colorless decks, which was fucking retarded and they'd lose on purpose so they could be taught how to play by expert little girls.
IRL Controversies
- Many over-protective parents claim that Pokémon is harmful to their children, since it promotes cock-fighting and similarly violent hobbies, as well as encouraging the unholy practice of summoning demons to settle childhood disputes. On the other hand, the Pope has condoned Pokémon as being full of positive messages, but, of course, we all know that the Pope is a satanic, fish-hat wearing Mudkips-lover.
- Creationists complain that Pokémon teaches the young only about the theory of evolution, and not about the alternate theory of intelligent design, thereby educating them stupid. Funny how Pokémon has Arseus, a deer-thing that supposedly created all the Pokémon.
- Pokémon allegedly promotes Nazism, since powerful Pokémon cards feature swastikas, and characters in the anime, such as Piplup, frequently
hail Hitler(DOWN). - Uri Geller tried to sue Nintendo over Kadabra, because it holds a spoon.
- Jynx used to be a nigga and shoop whoop but turned purple due to BAWWWWW
Image galleries
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Official Manga
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Famous Pokémon
| Pokémon
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The Slaves
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See also
- Gary Oak
- Agnph
- Pokedream
- Michael Vick
- Seakip
- Japanese Bug Fights - IRL Pokemon.
- Pogs - another shitty fad.
- Slash Firestorm - Rule 34s Pokemon and human beings.
- What is Brock? The question that has plagued mankind for centuries.
Similar anime
- Beyblade If we can make a show about gay furry plushies come to life, we can turn some fucking TOPS into one just as good!
- Yu-Gi-Oh A series about fucking cards.
- Cardcaptor Sakura Girl version of Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh.
- Digimon Complete ditto of Pokémon.
- Zoids This time it's about fucking giant robots.
External links
- Bill Cosby on Pokemon.
- Faggotry is power.
- An entire gallery of poorly drawn Rule 34.
- Pokemon are real.
- Pokeymans Wiki
- According to Wikipedia, Pokemon causes cancer.
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Pokémon is part of a series on Anime. |
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Pokémon is part of a series on Gaming. |
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