Duke Nukem Forever
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Duke Nukem Forever (aka vaporware, aka DNF, aka Gravy Trader, aka Dick Sucking Forever amirite) is a bait and switch scheme perpetrated by 3D Realms on the fans of 1996 fragfest Duke Nukem 3D. The game itself, which does not exist, is about an adult baby whose job it is to "kick ass and chew bubblegum." Unfortunately, in DN3 he was perpetually out of gum, thus necessitating a sequel. The fucktards at 3D Realms announced this scam in 1997, and they still insist to this day that they are working on it. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact these asshats have released several other games including Max Payne, the sequel to Max Payne, an expansion pack for Duke Nukem 3D, a racism-perpetrating crapfest, and a clone-mod called Shadow Warrior. They are currently known to spend all day getting paid to make Photoshop images of their imaginary fucking game with investors' money.
| —Official DNF Press Release, 6 Feb 2008 |
Contents |
[edit] "When it's done"
DNF's Creative Director George Broussard is famous for having mercilessly abused the phrase "when it's done." Doing so was a smart move on his part since he never actually intended to release anything other than screenshots of the game. Saying you won't release a game until its "done" implies, in the video game industry, that you won't release it until you are totally happy with the quality of your product and will therefore be a good game. This stance has earned them a permanent seat in interweb history as a completely unintentional meme.
Duke Nukem Forever's infinitely long development has spawned a completely unintentional Googlebomb. When searching The Google for the phrase "when its done", Google returns almost entirely Duke Nukem Forever related results.
[edit] How to Fake a Game: A History of DNF
The real genius behind DNF is that it doesn't really exist at all. It's all been an elaborate hoax from day one. Luckily, 3D Realms was clever enough to realize that the promise of another orgy of boobies and violence is all that it that it takes to stir internets fanbois into a masturbatory frenzy. Thus, the fairy tale of Duke Nukem Forever begins...
[edit] Step 0: Make up some fake in game footage
At least 10 years ago, while PC Gaymer's own Coconut Monkey was laboriously working on his magnum opus, Gravy Trader, the fags at 3D Realms tossed them some 'screenshots' of what DNF was looking like...which were, of course, completely fake -- composed entirely of modded Quake levels.
| —George Broussard on the early DNF screenshots, May 2003 |
[edit] Step 1: Announce it
The first step in this grand scheme was to make up some way for the game to exist in the first place. The idiots at PC Gaymer were more than ready to take on this task by making this elaborate forgery their cover story.
That's what they get for trusting an inanimate paperweight with a conflict of interest.
| —George Broussard, the original DNF 3D Realms Press Release, April 28, 1997 |
Of course, Duke Nukem Forever's announcement came as no surprise even to the ancient interwebs. A sequel was eagerly anticipated and Duke Nukem 3D was one of the hawtest Doom rip-offs that nobody actually paid for.
Evar.
However, the fact that the game was not going to contain buttsecks with either alien mutated pigs or pixelated wimmenz enraged the furfags and 13-year-old boys. Everything was going perfectly according to plan.
[edit] Step 1.5: 'Tard around.
The next stage of the hoax was to bullshit the public into believing the game was in development hell. 3D Realms decided to do this under the pretense of constant engine switches.
| —George Broussard on the switch to the Unreal engine, 3D Realms Press Release, June 15, 1998 |
Thus, after making up screenshots styled after Quake, they switched to making screenshots for Quake II. Afterward, they decided they were bored making screenshots with Quake II and decided to make them with Unreal instead. After a short "adjustment period" they released their next batch of bogus screens to a starved public. Fans were dismayed to find that there were no polygonal boobies featured in this latest round of fakes. The charade would continue for three years:
| —3D Realms 1999 Christmas card |
| —3D Realms 2000 Christmas Card |
[edit] Step 2: Goatse your publisher
Meanwhile, when Infogamers acquired GT Interactive in 2000, they were actually smart enough to see DNF as the nefarious bait-and-switch scheme that it was. Thus they shoveled the rights for the game onto the poor and naive Gathering of Developers (aka G.O.D.) for good ol' cash/money. GOD promptly folded after releasing, like, 2 shit games and managed to pass the buck to Take Two Interactive.
Being the fun loving criminals they were, Take Two didn't put up with Broussard's bullshit. In their yearly earnings statements from 2002 to 2005 they repeatedly questioned 3D Realms publicly about the status of the next batch of screenshots. In a fit of prepubescent rage, Broussard responded by trolling 3D Realms' own forums:
| —George Broussard on Take Two Interactive in an actual forum post, May 2003 |
[edit] Step 3: ????
No one really knows what happened over at 3D Realms from 2004 to 2007. Some argue that 3D Realms had actually closed up shop entirely. Then they came out with Prey, a crap FPS about some prairie nigger that gets kidnapped by Xenu. However, it turns out that they were, in between alternate bouts of buttsecks and trolling, in fact working on their most convincing fake yet.
[edit] Step 4: PROFIT!
| —George Broussard's T-shirt, December 19, 2007 |
Whether any of this footage is actually taken from actual gameplay remains to be seen. However, if DNF's history is any indication, this is just another in a lucrative series of bogus videos thrust into the limelight over the years. At this point, if the game ever actually does come out, it will most likely be a tremendous pile of dog shit like its brother in hell, Daikatana. The End.
[edit] Fun things to do while you wait Forever
For teh epic win:
- Head over to 3D Realms' forums.
- Create a multiple accounts.
- Completely disregard all stickies.
- Post the following using all your accounts under all forums:
- "Did you know that DNF has been in development for so long that..." insert amusing fact from this page here.
- Log onto your other accounts and respond with the following images, repeatedly:
- Email George Brussard and repeat above.
- Call your local GameStop and ask them when Duke Nukem Forever is coming out.
- For even more lulz, then ask them if it's going to come with Battletoads.
[edit] Shit that didn't take Forever
| World War II and the entire Manhattan Project took less time than DNF's development |
A metric shit-ton of stuff has happened ever since 3D Realms announced DNF.
[edit] "Popular" Culture
- In 1997, the fastest consumer internets connection was a 33.6 kbps modem. On average, tubes are 300 times faster today and clogged with 99% more useful information.
- When Duke Nukem Forever was announced, the fastest processor available to consumers was a 233Mhz Pentium.
- In October of 2001, the elitist faggots at Apple announced the izzlePod and Slashdot in all their infinite fayel, dismissed it as an immediate failure. Not that anyone cares.
- Steve Jobs was still running NeXT when Duke Nukem Forever was announced.
- Geeks invented every single known method of stealing from the RIAA, including Napster.
- Some jackhole invented MySpace and gave /b/ about a hundred billion new targets and inflicted uncounted pedos and furries on the internets.
- Valve releases Steam and pwns Vivendi.
- Britney Spears has starred in numerous scat films and some music videos, too.
- Theater box office totals since the announcement are over $2.62 billion.
- Colin Farrell's entire movie career has also taken place during development.
- The concept of Bullet Time has been developed, pioneered, and completely run in to the ground.
- Cell phones ownership has become commonplace, whereas in 1997 they were viewed as luxurious expenditures and drug dealing tools.
- The entire cult following of Family Guy! Family Guy has debuted on FOX, been cancelled, entered syndication, been released on DVD, redebuted on FOX, and seen the release of a feature film.
- The entire Harry Potter series as well as five movies.
- Stephen King has written 16 novels.
- After over 200 episodes, The Simpsons have not gotten any funnier.
- The birth, death, and rebirth (via feature film, direct to DVD) of Futurama, a show more worthy of lulz than The Simpsons.
- Twelve seasons of Survivor. The thirteenth comes this fall.
- The ending of Star Trek shows Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and the beginning and ending of Enterprise, plus the films First Contact, Insurrection and Nemesis.
- Joss Whedon showed us that he truly is our master with every Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and Firefly episode. (Oh, and the movie Serenity.)
- South Park has had 12 seasons.
- Guns and Roses' album, Chinese Democracy, which was started in 1993, before DNF was even started, was released in 2008.
[edit] Games
- Over 75 games based in the Megaman universe, and 12 games featuring Megaman universe character cameos.
- Over 50 games based in the Star Wars universe.
- Mario has appeared in 58 different video games.
- Every Massive Multiplayer Online game and expansion with the exception of Meridian 59.
- Every Dance Dance Revolution and Bemani rhythm game
- Every Pokemon game released outside of Japan.
- Every Unreal, every Unreal Tournament, and every game that has used any of the Unreal engines.
- Quake 2, 3, 4, and countless games that have used their engines.
- Every Tony Hawk and extreme sport spin-off game.
- Daikatana began development 10 days before Duke Nukem Forever - Unfortunately no one was made John Romero's bitch when it hit retail shelves on May 23rd, 2000.
- 3DRealms and Remedy bring Max Payne and its sequel from concepts to finished games, porting both to Xbox and PS2.
- Valve released both Half-Life 1 and 2, with several expansion packs and countless mods for each.
- Every version of Counter-Strike and Counter-Strike: Source were developed.
- Every Thief game and System Shock 2.
- Grand Theft Auto I, II, III, Vice City, San Andreas, Liberty City Stories, Vice City Stories, and IV, plus any crappy spin-offs I can't remember
- Black Isle was formed, released seven titles and was shut down.
- The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind and IV: Oblivion, and the entire Baldur's Gate series.
- Wizards of the Coast has printed six Core Sets, 30 Expansion Sets of Magic: The Gathering. If someone bought one of every single card printed since DNF was announced, they would have a collection of approximately 101,742 cards.
- Every installment of Metal Gear Solid released to date, as well as Ghost Babel (MGS for the Gameboy) and the Metal Gear Acid series for PSP.
And it is likely that the apparent conclusion of Solid Snake's legacy, "Guns of the Patriots", will come out before DNF.Even Guns of the Patriots made it out before DNF. - A garage full of programmers in Croatia (Croteam) developed the engine and created the game Serious Sam. Since then, there have been multiple sequels and console ports- all off a fraction of the money 3D Realms has blown on DNF's development.
- Every 3D Prince of Persia game.
- Aside from Wolfenstein 3D, every single First Person Shooter based during World War II, including the entire Medal of Honor series.
- While DNF has been in production, Blizzard Entertainment, another studio famous for delays, has released four full games (Starcraft, Diablo 2, Warcraft 3, and World of Warcraft), with expansions for all of them.
- The EverQuest series, and about 300 different expansions for each game.
- Bioware released Neverwinter Nights with two expansions, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, and Jade Empire. All games are deep, lengthy RPGs that demand multiple playthroughs.
- The entire Halo trilogy was inflicted on an unsuspecting public.
- Every Gran Turismo game.
- Team Fortress 2
- The Ultima-series came to a conclusion, Origin was
dismantledemasculated beyond recognition and Richard Garriot has released the MMORPG Tabula Rasa, which is now being shut down. - PSP and GB DS in all their various incarnations...
- The releases and discontinuations of Gamecube and Xbox.
- Various retrogames made encores for the umpteenth time with the joysticks you just plug in to your tv. (Bye-bye buggy emulators!)
[edit] Duke's Similarities to Bruce Campbell
Duke's one-liners are more than "inspired by" the Evil Dead movies, they are blatantly stolen from them. Bruce Campbell (who delivers the lines as Ashley "Ash" Williams in the movies) has been very vocal about the issue. Consider this interview with Verbosity...
Verbosity: Are you familiar with the game Duke Nukem 3D? If so, are you aware of the similarities between its lead character and Ash in the way of mentality and catch phrases? Are you flattered by this sort of "borrowing" of your work?
Bruce Campbell: What can I say? Maybe they're just cheese-balls who can't conceive of an original idea and feel compelled to rip off Ash. Imitation is indeed a form of flattery, but paying a guy is an even better form.
(Full text at http://verbosity.wiw.org/issue7/bruce.html)
Or, this interview with IGN for Men...
IGN For Men: The Duke Nukem videogame character is obviously an homage to you, at least your attitude...
Bruce Campbell: What?!
IGN For Men: The Duke Nukem character?
Bruce Campbell: Really?
IGN For Men: I would say so.
Bruce Campbell: I'm kidding, I'm well aware of Duke Nukem.
IGN For Men: Have you been approached for the movie at all?
Bruce Campbell: No, and I would say no because of the way they've handled it.
IGN For Men: How have they handled it?
Bruce Campbell: Well, they're rip-off artists. Let them get their own damn material. It's called hiring a writer. They're blatantly ripping it off and if I was any kind of litigious guy they would've gotten a phone call by now. It's depressing and I think it's wrong. That's why Tachyon: The Fringe will kick little Duke's ass any day.
(Full text at http://formen.ign.com/news/11886.html)
[edit] See also
- Daikatana
- Duke Nukem 3D
- Darkfall, the MMORPG counterpart of DNF.
Disregard that, it now has a set release date.Which they'll probably movehave moved back again.
[edit] External Links
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Duke Nukem Forever is part of a series on Gaming. |
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