Something Awful
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| —Fragmaster, head SA admin: "Welp, I guess people can run things better than us." |
Something Awful is was a comedy website, tracing its roots back to the good old days of Web 1.0, where goatse was the pinnacle of shock and Chuck Norris was but a twinkle in the eye of the Internet. As a young child, having barely managed to avoid SIDS, it delighted us all with it's ridiculous antics and tomfoolery. However, as is commonplace among 99% of American youth, puberty has turned the once lovable scamp into an egregiously unfunny faggot.
The whole point of Something Awful is to make jokes only (self-hating) nerds find funny. SA also attempts to pick on internet sub-cultures even more pathetic than they are. SA readers feel threatened by fucking loving fucking horsetastic clown-like furries and juggalos, as they are all members of these subcultures themselves and fear exposure for the human detritus that they are.
As you know, many faggot nerds view the internet as very serious business, and as a result other, slightly more useful nerds realized that mocking their only slightly-more pathetic ways was a good way to relieve stress caused by the fact that no one likes them at school, the site became very popular very quickly. The community dynamic at Something Awful changed significantly over the years, from a community dedicated to humor to a community filled with butthurt aspies with broken hugboxes. Because of this, communities like The Something Awful Sycophant Squad had popped up, criticizing Something Awful in a way akin to how the forums operated in the early days.
Something Awful is the only site to date to hate furries and yet not manage to make said hate funny. Thus, Something Awful can possibly be said to be even more brimming full of fail than furries, since even furries are very occasionally able to successfully make fun of themselves.
Contents |
[edit] The Frontpage
About a few years ago, SA went from bad to worse. Lowtax's crazy, attention whore fiance dumped him via SA's front page, detailing his foot fetish and general faggotry in what may be the one funny SA front page update since 2001. This incident was in fact so incredibly lulzy that Lowtax developed a powerful hatred of lulz itself, and would later ban them entirely from the forums. Lowtax retreated into a cocoon of butthurt, stopped writing on the site and to keep the asspie gravy train going they hired on a bunch of retarded chimps to write frontpage articles and adopted Jlist.com as a sponsor. Because of this, you had at least 30 anime tits pressing against your screen at any one time that you looked at the site begging you to come buy some disgusting tentacle rape hentai.
To make matters worse, Lowtax also introduced a LiveJournal-style feature for all the writers called Daily Dirt. Lowtax himself would oftentimes use this to express his irritation with the million juggalos who wrote him with death threats every day and toot his own horn, going on to say that if it was the webmaster of some other wonderful and successful site who was emailing him he might be at least slightly offended. None of the other writers give a shit poo poo fuck about Daily Dirt, and just fill it with unfunny chatlogs and pictures in their computer's picture folder, when they even remember to update.
None of the Something Awful writers have yet to acknowledge the irony of making a comedic career out of ridiculing the type of sad basement dwelling otaku who beat one off to cartoons and update their LiveJournal obsessively with every thought that pops into their vapid minds, and then turning around and bombarding you with the exact same thing. Possibly because they are now rich from all of the nerds who read the front page clicking the banner ads for J-List.
[edit] The Website's Features
[edit] Awful Link of the Day
Used to feature hilariously absurd and disgusting links, but now in the day and age of a billion shrieking blogs, everything Awful Link of the Day is usually an old meme.
Is my site a potential candidate for the prestigious Awful Link of the Day award?
Is it
- a web gallery displaying your quality pornographic Rugrats fan art?
- a Geocities site dedicated to ranting about how the Bible contains hidden messages about our alien overlords?
- A Geocities site dedicated to pictures of your miscarried fetus?
- A blog dedicated to how much you like anime?
- Any type of furry website?
- An internet porn site that costs money and has ugly actors?
- The website of a well-known political leader who a Something Awful writer wants to write a half-baked political rant about?
If you answered "yes" to any or all, submit it here right away
[edit] Photoshop Phriday
Every Friday, you get to wade through the 50 really poo poo shitty, ugly, unfunny photo manipulations the Goons shat out (made even worse by SA's shitty watermark which often takes up half of the joke itself), to find the one or two funny ones. Or you can just read it for Livestock's quips, which sound like, and are about as funny as, the output of a random Zippy-the-Pinheadism generator. However, some argue that they are actually kind of funny for something written by Livestock. (Most of them are ghost-written by Zach because he's usually too lazy to write them).
The only good thing that can been said about this is that, while not really an accomplishment of any kind, at least it's funnier than Fark.
[edit] Comedy Goldmine
Where all of the shitty poo poo shitty photoshops that were even too shitty poo poo shitty to get into Photoshop Phriday go. Also full of anecdotes written by forum members, most of which revolve around the social retardation that emanates from someone who pays money to use a message board.
[edit] The Flash Tub
The flash equivalent of diarrhea, in which a deformed troll named "Shmorky" makes surreal flash cartoons about anything that strikes his pot-addled brain as funny, such as message board posts, Internet Movie Database pages, bits of twine, and misshapen produce. Shmorky's terrible cartoons are obviously trying to hit the "so bad it's funny" margin, but have really only managed the rarely sought-after but oft-achieved "so bad" margin.
It would seem that he would get the hint of how much he blows when he releases a Playset of animations for the forum Goons to manipulate and make their own flash cartoons with. Their odd cartoons are around ninety-four times funnier than any Trash toon (YOU SEE THAT PUN THERE WOW WHAT SPARKLING WORDPLAY) he has ever concocted himself.
Perhaps the reason his cartoons are the definition of unfunny is because Shmorky is actually an undercover furry who made Living in Greytown and Lizard, a pair of very unfunny comics, and is hoping to bring Something Awful down from the inside.
[edit] Horrors of Porn
This is when they review really gross porn and the people who read it pretend they aren't aroused by it, then immediately download it and jack off to it.
Its claim to fame is exposing the world to Chyna's girl-penis and for creating and then reviewing the most awful porn movie ever: "Swap.avi".
[edit] Hentai "Reviews"
The same thing as Horrors of Porn, only even more boring because all hentai is exactly the same. Actually ads for hentai movies sold through SA's main sponsor Jlist.
[edit] Weekend Web
Excerpts from message boards that are slightly less lame than the Awful Forums. Used to be funny, but listening to the same old jokes about sexual deviants, furries, video game nerds, 16 year old girls, Neo-Nazis, conspiracy theorists, and 80-year-old Fundamentalist Christians who post pictures of their pet cats got kind of played-out. Although goons love proclaiming the aforementioned groups' stupidity, it still stands that they're paying out the nose for the privilege of hanging off a bunch of deluded aspies' nutsacks while JuGgAlO8666 can post on a fully-functioning forum for free.
Every time a message board is featured on it, it gets trolled into oblivion by fucktards lovers fucktards who think they are clever, whose mantra is "SOMETHING AWFUL DOT COM", which roughly translates to "HOWARD STERN RULES" in IRL speak.
They once actually did 4chan, claiming throughout that it was full of pedos. They then (somehow) managed to present absolutely no evidence of this.
[edit] Your Band Sucks
This is a feature where Dr. David Thorpe points out what we all know: a lot of bands suck ass (essentially the modern day white people can't dance joke driven into the ground). Occasionally retarded fans take offense and send emails expressing how much of a fucking asshole David Thorpe is. Thorpe responds by posting the stupid e-mails in the column for the lulz, showing them for the crybaby pussies they are. Unfortunately, David Thorpe sucks as much as the bands he makes fun of, as he is seemingly convinced that casually mentioning Nazis in Internet columns is still offensive. He is also incapable of writing an article without the use of a thesaurus.
[edit] Fashion SWAT
Chatlogs of Dr. David Thorpe and Zach Parsons making fun of fashion.
[edit] The Forums
The Something Awful forums is the only thing that is still good on the site: if by good, you mean incredibly obnoxious. You have to pay 800 dollars per month for it, $10 more if you want to see the archives, 5 bucks for a custom title, $4.95 for no ads (yes, they actually show ads to their paying customers), 30 dollars for a new emoticon, 10 dollars for a platinum account that offers unique cutting edge features such as searching (which doesn't work half the time) and posting images, and if your wallet has not been reamed enough yet you can donate the rest, so Lowtax could buy a Korean wife and a purebred golden retriever. Because of these requirements, the average Goon is a mixture of high disposable income and low dignity.
The mutated, disgusting sociopaths who are such social pariahs that they have to resort to spending their (parents') money on a message board to satiate their craving for human contact call themselves "Goons", in reference to their disfigured appearance and/or ethical conduct. Goons can be separated into three categories:
- Assholes
- Neckbeards
- Assholes with neckbeards
Goons are, like the creatures featured in Cronenberg films, a special breed.
Around 50% of the forum are obnoxious prepubescent morons who, if you were stuck in a bus with for one minute, would give you cause to forcibly remove your own earlobes and eyeballs with shattered glass to ensure not having to interact with them ever again. These lumps of spoiled meat are the typical "nerd" type, smelling of Doritos and speaking entirely in Family Guy quotes.
Another 40% are the type of cube-dwelling recluse who tend to congeal in any community when you make credit cards and misanthropy the sole arbiters of entry - sociopath yuppies, smug rich-kids, scenester scum and other "people" prone to blathering on about libertarianism, iPods and their deviant sex lives in lieu of anything approaching culture or taste. With Something Awful ostensibly being a humor forum, these topics are typically discussed in between obligatory rape and Holocaust jokes, which have yet to wear out their welcome after six straight years.
The final 10% are people who have gone several years without getting banned by the psychotic fascist moderators and thus think they're in an elite faggot club because The Internet Is Serious Business. These people typically die in drama explosions and are not missed.
100% self-hating nerds - they come to the site to lap up Lowtax's piss from the floor of the internet and hear him tell them how much they fucking suck.
Each section of the forum hates the others and often will have their own ircs for huddling together while talking about how goons from every other section suck more than their own.
Goons and furries are like Bloods and Crips, if neither Bloods nor Crips got laid (and no, yiffing does not count). See salj.
Comparisons can be made between cults and the Something Awful forums. Lowtax, acting as cult leader, will excommunicate all who dare to criticize his wisdom and ability to make the lulz flow. His loyal and faithful followers will vociferously defend Lowtax's honor with flames, mud-slinging, and drama, all to get in good with the big kahuna. Perhaps some of the animosity towards Scientology on the Something Awful forums is not due to hate on principle, but because the Church of Scientology is in fact Something Awful's main competitor.
Goons identify other goons by asking one another "Do you have stairs in your house?". If you are a goon, the correct answer is "Yes, I am a faggot". This extreme faggotry comes from an ICQ prank chat log where Lowtax was acting like a robot or something.
[edit] 10bux
Due to Something Awful charging $10 per forum account, when someone says or does something very stupid; or simply mouths off to an admin, someone will usually post "Hope u got 10bux, lol", often with a photographed $10 bill.
[edit] Mods
The mods of the forums are faggots just like mods of any other forums, but the SA mods feel they are entitled to extensive methods of faggotry so that they can steal money from people that pay for memberships.
Should a mod find your opinion distasteful they will reprimand you with their faggotry and should you ever reply to them you will be banned and your money stolen.
[edit] GBS
A collection of various dregs of humanity. Mostly morbidly obese nerds with neckbeards using the forum to vent and blog about their trifling and menial lives, since noone will read their LiveJournals.
[edit] FYAD
FYAD is the cool place to hang out (compared to your parent's basement, amirite?). You can find most of the cool people there. In FYAD you can just chill and do whatever and totally relax. "Take it easy" is the FYAD motto, for example, that's how laid back it is there. Show up if you want to have a good time. Another good reason to show up is if you want to hang out with friends 'tards.
A circlejerk forum for chavs, wiggers, and juggalos. Be sure to exclaim "FYAD is leaking!" when something idiotic gets posted in GBS.
[edit] BYOB
An even shittier, unfunny circle-jerk forum for fags and a hugbox for the moderators/admins/Lowtax.
[edit] HD2K
The shittiest, most unfunny circle-jerk forum for fags.
[edit] Getting banned from the Something Awful forums
If there were too many lame people ((THERE ARE, THERE ARE)) on the Awful forums, it would be less fruitful for the writers of the front page to steal material from them, thus, it is second to GameFAQs in terms of dickweed moderators.
Bannable offenses:
- Flaming other users
- Trolling other boards
- Posting a one-word or emoticon catchphrase
- Making an introductory post
- Saying "Something Awful has a front page?" or otherwise pointing out that Something Awful's front page is sub-par and not the cutting edge of comedy
- Murdering your slutty ex-girlfriend
- Making a response to someone with the letter "j" in their screenname on the second Wednesday of the month
- Questioning the need for the moderators to be gigantic fascists
- Questioning the need for the moderators to be gigantic fascists in private messages and on other forums.
- Otherwise disagreeing with the moderators
- Using the letters "f", "w", "d", and "x".
- Saying the word Lulz. Srsly.
- Disliking Alanis Morisette. Not even fucking kidding.
- Becoming an hero. Don't want none of those ghost faggots shitting GBS up from beyond the grave, no sir!
[edit] The Lolocaust
Long ago, the posting of "furry" porn, or depictions of anthropomorphic animals committing sexual acts, was not against the forum rules in FYAD. When this happened, the poster was usually rebuked if they did not include a warning in the thread's subject text, and perhaps had their preference in pornography mocked.
As time progressed, furry threads continued to be posted, mostly if not solely in FYAD. As FYAD is not intended to have any rules, the posters were not stopped, though they were taunted endlessly by the other members of FYAD. Lowtax one day decided, however, that furry porn would no longer be allowed in FYAD, setting in motion a chain of events later to be known as the "Comedy Lolocaust."
As the first step of the Lolocaust, Lowtax created a subforum of "The Goddamn Shithouse" (a place where some FYAD-goers got their own forums and became IK of them) dedicated to the posting of furry porn, called "The Furry Concentration Camp". This kept all furry threads out of FYAD and in one central location. The denizens of this subforum, along with any others proven to have furry tendencies, were then given custom titles of a large yellow star with the title "Yiff" on top, a reference to a slang term for intercourse in the furry community. Once all of the forum's furries were identified, they were then permanently relegated to the Furry Concentration Camp.
The Camp stayed open for a number of weeks, and while furries couldn't leave the forum, others could come in. The Furry Concentration Camp was soon riddled with threads mocking furries in every way, shape and form. However, when these threads began to die down, the furries who could only post in the Camp soon began to congregate with each other, and only with each other. It became a complete community in itself.
Eventually, the "final solution" of the Lolocaust was set into place. and the denizens of the FCC were finally banned, effectively ending the mass proliferation of furry porn in FYAD. Currently, anti-furryism is seen as old hat, and in general is not acceptable unless intensely humorous. Furries were, at one point, banned or ostracized, but there are now several forum members known to be furries who are generally accepted within the community.
Also, despite the one-time presence of a "Furry Concentration Camp" subforum, posting racism on SA now is a bannable offense unless the person posting it is a mod/admin, in which case objecting to racism is a bannable offense.
[edit] The Lulzocaust
A very special message was left for everyone to read this morning:
I don't expect everyone to remember every single bannable catchphrase, but just so there is no confusion, the following ones will definitely get you put on probation. Lulz will get you banned. Never use them, even if you going for ironically funny. These are being reported a lot lately, and it's a silly way to lose an account
I warned you butts that I was going to be banning anybody who seriously used the stupid catchphrase "lulz" here a long ass time ago, but nobody listened to me!
WHY
WHY DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO ME
- The 'Tax
Aside from showing off how he prefers catchphrase over meme, over 9,000 goons were banned for using lulz, even instances that dated before the message, therefore leaving ED/SA political relations colder than Eskimo vagoo. Ambassadors are set to make a trade delegation and present a box of AIDS as a peace offering.
[edit] Gooncon
Every year when the sun sets, hundreds of goons converge on one city to deplete its precious supply of high fructose corn syrup and ketchup packets.
The cities where Gooncons are hosted see obesity rates rise for the duration of the Gooncon, by far making the poor city the city with the highest obesity rates in the entire nation, if not the entire world. However, the massive purchasing of fast-food, Twinkies, and Doritos does bump local economies up a notch, although as one shopkeeper was quoted saying, "It's still not worth being near these pitiful fat fucks."
The Something Awful website charges people $20 bucks or more to attend this thing, although it is so poorly managed you can just walk in. But it is recommended you don a suitable disguise, such as a neckbeard, a videogame related t-shirt, or 150 pounds of excess obesity. Using bacon fat as a shampoo will also help you fit in, although the scent may attract one of the few goon girls.
There is usually one party and you will be shunned if you are anything resembling a normal person that is an active member of society.
Also, most goons are pussies that are like those nerds at parties that just hold a beer to pretend that they are "cool". And if you drink all the beer they will ask you to leave because you're getting drunk and hitting on the chicks they were just getting ready to make a move on. Seriously, just after that next beer.
[edit] Gooncon 2008
Very recently they only had 14 people descend upon the poor city chosen by the cruel whims of fate. Compare this to the 100 people who went to one in the same location, Vegas (which is still recovering from depleted Twinkie resources), 4 years ago.
Its further proof that SA is not popular; this could be due to a variety of reasons, such as SA's status as a humor graveyard, admin and moderator histrionics, or due to the goon population dwindling due to death from obesity and extremely low reproductive rates.
[edit] Old Memes that SA is responsible for
Note: While Something Awful might be responsible for this unfunny shit, these memes also die there since goons are so inept at life that anything even remotely funny gets beaten into the ground within hours of its inception. SA nowadays rarely, if ever, spawns memes that leave SA primarily because they became original.
- Doom House
- Mood House
- Happycat
- Rachelle Waterman
- Hey guys whats going on in here
- gb2gbs
- fursecution
- o rly (just the phrase, not that fukken owl)
- William Freund
- Gorgeous George
- My Tank is Fight
- How is babby formed? (unlike most of these which are at least 100 years old, this one is from 2007)
- Spergin (shitty cesspool of assburger images)
[edit] The Great SA forum account hack of 2008 and the Ultimate Lowtax meltdown
The shitty forums was were hacked by none other than the heroes of Hackers United Against Islam. Last Thursday
Over 9000 accounts...no wait...40,000 accounts had their passwords taken due to an SQL Injection exploit.
It is worth it to point out that a majority of those accounts were inactive, thus proving no one cares about SA anymore.
Of course Lowtax acted butthurt and Radium tried to fix it but they got scared and they were moving with their auntie and uncle to Bel Air.
Then in a stunning turn of events, Lowtax ran away like a bitch not wanting to continue to help his aspie members get their only source of socialization back or fix their passwords. He gave the keys to Fragmaster.
| —Lowtax on the discovery that his forums are made of fail after 9 fucking years! |
Of course SASS had a massive fucking celebration over this shit.
[edit] See Also
- SASS
- producing_101
- Jade Raymond
- Kevin Underwood
- Bomber116
- Aspergers
- Muslim Massacre
- 4chan ADTRW's retarded pedophilic little brother who has the same exact shit but for free
[edit] External Links
- The Albanian Bureau of Tourism
- A fair and balanced review of Something Awful
- Maddox's take on Something Awful
- Bike safety is for faggots.
- Goons, the video The beautiful faces of goons.jpg
