Gears Of War
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Gears Of War (moar liek Queers of War, amirite?) is a game based off the popular webseries Queers Of War. Following a similar storyline, the story features two gay lovers on their quest to kill a bunch of overgrown worms, save the world, and spend their days together in love. The game found notoriety when it was the first game for the Xbox 360 that anyone liked EVAR. It was dubbed a success when every Halo fanboy bought it, causing the creators to rofl at how much everyone cared about their shitty overrated game.
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[edit] Graphics
[edit] Weapons
The weapons in this game really do bring the game to life, as nearly every weapon can kill someone in one shot. The creators probably made it this way so teams would have to work together on XBox Live, but since everyone on Xbox live is a 13 year old racist, no one does and simply uses the shotgun. This makes killing said 13 year old racists with other guns all the lulzier. The only weapons not to follow the said trend are the rifles that both the teams get which do pretty much no damage at all and take over 9.000 shots to kill anyone!
Another notable feature is that your main gun has a chainsaw on the end of it. It's ZOMG awesome of the most epic kind, even though it's useless and only n00bs who don't know how to play get caught in it.
If you're so noble as to play "fair", then according to everyone that plays Gears of War, you can only use the smoke grenade and nothing else. Otherwise, you're cheating if you headshot someone across the map when they obviously shot you with their shotgun.
[edit] Story
One day Marcus was in jail. and Dom was all liek, Marcus, this blows ass. ur free now. and Marcus was like, Dom lets killthe locusts because guns. and Dom was like yeab Marcus that ruls. here take lancer.
and then they ascaped.
then, a bridge fell down, and they ran to helicopter and escaped before a spider could ate htem.
then, Marcus meta hot chicks named Anya. and she sexed him in the helicoptr. they landed and it was owkwurd becuase kernel Hoffman was there and he was her father and he was all liek, Marcus, you give me 90$ fenis. and find the resonator. it knows the locust and we can lightbomb them with white stuff. and Marcus was like, no Hoffman i give you 110 dollars but i'm not doing this you.l
then, the next day, they found a col tran and Kim died because dodge ram sworded him through the chest. Marcus cried a manly tear. carmine also died somhow through the face hole. butmauybe he wasent actually dead.........
then they went around lookin for the resonatr but cuoldn't find it because they it becam dark. os the bats came out and started trying to chop them. they excaped to the new car and drove it to the undterground tunnels to actavate the resanator. then they kills som thern gards and escapd. but it didn't work somehow. but markus new that there was maps with his dads stuff.
they all went to marcuses dads home and found some sweet data computers about the tunnels. so they went back to hte train and put the computer on the bomb. but htejnn dodge rammm appeard and said FOR THE QUEEN and markus was like, fuck, this is a hard bitch of boss. and Dom was liek, no use the torkque bowq. and then it almost asploded but they jumped to a helicopter, and Hoffman was liek , Marcus, i like you. you can come to myhouse and fuck my daughter.
and he did.
end.
[edit] Multiplayer
The online experience is automatically better than single player, since single player is mediocre. I completed it with my eyes closed using just my toes on Insane once.HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS. Don't let this fool you though, since multiplayer is still gayer than the YMCA. And there taint nothin' gayer dan teh YMCA.
Multiplayer requires a team of Gears and a team of Locust to go and kill each other in awesome maps that all look the same with the same kickass weapon for a few hours. It's not the epitome of playing games online on Xbox Live, and if you have it you are deemed a faggot.
Aside from this, it is also glitched to hell. The host of a match will get "host shotgun", which means his shotgun will fire 0.00000000001 seconds faster than your shotgun. This will lead every player on the opposing team to bitch and moan about this minor advantage until the game ends or they manage to get a kill. You can also run faster with another glitch, chainsaw yourself, rapid fire sniper rifle and even jump out of the game. Of course, about 99% of the players on Gears are either permavirgins, Mexicans, or just plain fail, if you haven't figured it out already.
Any player who has an IQ of 90 knows to run for the power weapons at the beginning of the round, but this means you have to dash there before anyone else wise enough to want them, gets there. This requires you memorizing the map and practicing countless times until you can sprint to a weapon faster than Speedycat. However, if you're a newfag to a map you are utterly destined to be a shotgun wielding cannon fodder who is ignored by the rest of the team. This is another reason to NEVAR EVAR play ranked matches, because some fags are half-retarded, which means they'll run and grab the power weapons and then they don't know how to use them.
An important feature of Gears of War is its cover system where your character can take cover from enemy fire. In single player, your fag is so loaded with armor that he can't bend over (except during buttsecks), making the cover system total fail. In multiplayer, it is more useless than Terri Schiavo because everybody just charges your ass if you even attempt to use it.
Online play isn't completely crap though. You can achieve some good lulz out of killing people with the pistol/sniper rifle/boomshot/Pork-Bow/smoke grenade/any weapon that requires skill(NO SHOTGUN), raping a Locust or Gear when they are downed, killing two cops, chainsawing every motherfucker in the game (therefore getting called a noob because the fag was too much of a retard to avoid it), and generally being better than everyone else.
[edit] Queers of Whore 2
Following in Gaylo's footsteps, the people at EPIC Studios have announced that Gears will be made into a trilogy. The new game brings in moar ghey features, like the ability to bumrape an enemy while using him as a shield, and also brings back the azn that died in the last game, even though everyone knows he killed himself after going on a rampage and killing 32 locust.]]
[edit] Novels
Apparently, some broad who wrote Star Wars books or some shit is now being asked to write a tie-in to the Gears of War games, titled Gears of War: Aspho Fields, the first book of three, set to hit shelves late October 2008. Of course, being a woman she's guaranteed to mess it up, since everyone knows that chicks don't know shit about video games.
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Gears Of War is part of a series on Gaming. |
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