The Jewnited States of Americunts
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Jewnited States of Americunts, also known as Murka, Amurka, Dumfuckistan, Fatty Nation, and soon to be the Nigger States of Africa when Barack Obama takes office, is a country somewhere to the south of Canada. It is composed of forty eight contiguous states on the North American mainland, and two others which no one really cares about. Amurka also possesses several territories, or insular areas, scattered around the Caribbean and Pacific, which were seized or stolen from other nations last Thursday. (Which is how the Americunts originally got all their land, amirite?)
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[edit] Obesity
Since about 100 years ago, Dumbfuckistan has held the title of fattest nation on the planet. This honour was recently stolen by Australia last Thursday. Americunts, clearly butthurt and highly jealous, decided the only rational way to counter Australia's dominance over the fatty title was to expand and export their horrid fastfoods, (i.e. McDonalds, Burger King, Krispy Kreme, etc). While Americans enjoy a wide barrage of "fine" cuisine(greasy poor quality meat and lard), the rest of the world has consistently dined on healthier fair until the Americunts came along. Seeing that their revenge against the Ausfags was now successfully being implemented, Dumbfuckistan has focused their invasion of fatness upon the rest of the globe.
[edit] History
The first Americans were of a race of fags bred by their sister so that they might destroy themselves for the amusement of the world. Most Americans were rejects in Europe and couldn't make it there, so they tried to start over in USA, where no one knew who they were or the animals they had raped. Americans are a social group of obnoxious white fucks who can be described as fat, arrogant, loud, stupid, inbred, lazy, and fat. Except for natives, Americunts were originally from Europe, and thus are all immigrants, but it makes them feel better about themselves trying to kick out Mexicans and other immigrants, cuz it might give them the illusion that they re flat out better. Their hobbies include stockpiling weapons, using weapons, framing others for having weapons, and creating envious rolls of fat via the storing of more food in them at one time than anyone else in the rest of the world. They typically enjoy blasting out an extra asshole onto anyone that has anything they don't (i.e., everyone.).
A well known fact about America is the story of how they got their accents. All the European fags invaded America, killing and fucking the cool azn/real American people. They decided to try and make their own language. Since the English pwned them all earlier in wars by Queen Elizabeth (The chick that couldn't get none cus she was busy killing peeps), they thought they should stick to English and make up a dumbass accent. So they all tried mixing up each European accent (Heeeeey I liek mudkips and schadenfreude just lik'a mama used to). Of course, they failed epically and all got a blocked nose. Hence the nasal accents!
What many people don't know is that America was started by a bunch of religious extremists. Til today, America remains a haven for religious freaks around the world. When they are not busy eating at McDonald's, they are studying the bible. Americans think praying is the answer to all their problems. If their sister gets raped, they pray. If a hurricane comes and wipes out half their people, they pray. What most Americans are too stupid to realise is that there is no god. Until they do figure out the truth, they continue to build churches on every street corner.
It is common knowledge that America was created by many other countries around the world and thus should be showing some friggin' respect. Ironically, it are fact that the world is so fucking sick of the Americunt monstrosity it created that it desperately tries to ignore it. This is of course impossible, given that America is full of loud, ignorant and uniquely ugly assholes. Meanwhile, it remains the center of attention, promoted by the Jew media, plus the fact that's it's ALL THEIR FUCKING FAULT that the current economic crisis has even taken place (And where did the Wall Street Crash of '29 take place? Yeah, 'xactly Americunts)
America's close neighbors have never picked up a history book in their life. Like five hundred years ago, a Brit NO DIPSHIT ITALIAN, (THIS IS AN IRONIC EXAMPLE OF THE STUPIDITY POSSESSED BY ALL AMERICUNTS) Portugese fag named Columbus decided to find an alternative route to Asia but ultimately failed once Columbia got in his way. He thought he was in India as red people's fault for looking all the same, enslaved them, brought them back to England, and was deemed a fucking asshole and died knowing that. However the English are too butthurt to acknowledge this so their government decided to brainwash people that Columbus discovered America instead of an awesome Chinese dude. There is a 99% chance this last sentence was written by an American, proving the rest of the world right once again.
Then At least 100 years ago, Holland and England were sick and tired of their gay location (except for Holland) and decided to go to America. Holland was like "Oh, let's set up a community here and a Stop n' Shop there" but then England was all "OH BUT WHERE WILL WE PUT THE CHURCHES?!?! YOU WILL ALL GO TO HELL YOU HEATHENS!!". Eventually, England did what they did best and decided to brainwash most of the Holland people into thinking America is the devil and all work and no play makes Jack a nice boy (these people would soon make the descendants of the ED users). The sensible people created a group called the Quakers, who invented oatmeal and porn, while the fucking faggots created Purists. Then more shit happened like The Patriots, Sons of Liberty, Loyalists, but that's another story.
Eventually, after years of getting pwned by England, they gave up and we got our independence on July 4th, 1776 as the United States of America. Now back to your teenage angst. A few hundred years later, or maybe it was Last Thursday after they got their independence, they started thinking they were bigshits, and tried to invade the maple sucking canucks up north. The attempt failed brutally. The Yankees were pushed back down past their white house. And when the Canadians had drank their afternoon tea (cause of course they drink tea, since they are unfailing supporters of England), they burned down the white house and all of Washington, which resulted in the Americans being all butthurt and stopping the invasion. Sore losers. Of course now-a-days, Americans only read history books to prove to the Canadians of today that it was the British controlled Canadian army that beat them and not the Canadians. Both sides were utter phail in their conquest to victory and they both tried to claim winnar. People call this the war that nobody won and the war of poor communication. Even though USA did not win the war, most Americans today want to be Canadians. Many border guards offer fellatio to Canadians to let them in. When asked, 75% of Americans prefer to be annexed by the Canada.
America loves wars, and hasn't gone 5 years without being in one. USA frequently attacks small countries like Iraq, Afghanistan, Korea, Japan, and Vietnam, but hasn't had the balls to attack a real country. [1]
USA's historic value is one of a highly questionable nature, ja.
[edit] Experimental Weapons
Everyone knows that the Americunt special/biological/experimental/homosexual weapons division is responsible for: The Black Mesa disaster Supermutants Alien Aliens Alien 3 Alien Resurrection Supersoldiers Homosexuality Religion Satan Claus Mudkips Zombie Goastes and over 9000 other such occurrences
[edit] Culture
An important part of American "identity" involves lying to oneself and maintaining that America is the best country evar by forgetting that the rest of the world exists. To Americans, the only country that exists outside of the United States is the one with which they're currently at war. As such, Iraq is the only country that currently exists to Americans (with the possible addition of China, as Americans are at war with the Chinese economy). Americans display their ignorance of other countries as a badge of patriotic courage. Examples include:
- Remaking books and films so that everything is set in America.
- Never traveling outside of North America.
- Believing that the capital of Sweden is IKEA, when in fact it is the capital of France.
- Becoming intentionally obese to avoid air travel.
- Being really shitty at
geographyevery question in Trivial Pursuit. - Thinking that everyone is bound by American law.
- Believing that anyone outside of America is "weird" and still act as if it was the 19th century (eg., the people of Britain, France and Germany still wear powdered wigs, engage in duels and shoot people that sit next to them, and occasionally don big, spiky helmets).
- In America, anyone who thinks differently, has a desire to learn different things, has a disease, or looks better than the popular person must inevitably be branded a homosexual, and can only be accepted into civilization if called "gay" over 9000 times a day. But they would quite probably be lynched anyway.
- Thinking that having a National Health Service is the equivilant to selling ones soul to the devil because its a 'communist' thing to do and would cost them too much. But in reality they are going to end up bailing out the failing banks with tax payers money! So they are only capatalists when it suits the people in charge.
[edit] Government
The United States is ruled by a bunch of gay, corrupt Senators that will such your cock twice at least 100 times if you look at them crooked. They meet in the United States Capitol whenever the fuck Europe starts whining about arbitrary issues they can't handle. Since everyone in America is rich off European money, including the bankrupt Government, work is not necessarily a priority. Why work when you can enslaves Africans, or rob Iraqis for their oil? The United States Government allows all citizens to buy, purchase, and own ANY form of firearm. Firearms can be purchased on virtually any street corner or local Wal*Mart. How else can a 15 year old walk into a school and blow away half his classmates? However, I would not recomend buying anything made in the USA.
[edit] The Voting Process
Then the people of the United States gather for conventions, where they receive the autographs of the two real candidates and have their nude pictures taken with that guy from Babylon 5. At these conventions, people will inspect the candidates' postures, teeth, hair, and clothes. Hardcore voters may also inspect the party policies, which are usually written in disappearing ink.
A complex voting process follows:
- Voter writes down the name of the candidate he most favors as dictator.
- Voter writes down the name of the party he most prefers.
- Both names are converted to numbers using the enigma code. These numbers are jumbled at random and added together.
- Voter proceeds to name his favorite flavor of ice-cream. If his original candidate likes the same flavor, one adds 1,000 onto the previous score. If the candidate does not, one deducts 1,000 points. These values are doubled if the voter has a high perception skill. If the candidate does not eat ice cream because he is a vegan, then a Green Party member has somehow got in and a new election must be called.
- Resultant number is subsequently divided by fifteen and rounded up to one decimal point.
- A +2 die of entanglement is thrown. The outcome is multiplied by the first number of which the voter thought.
- Voter chooses a card from the deck. If it is a black card, one deducts 100. If the card is red, one adds 150. If it is a joker, repeat previous step. Threes and nines are wild - four buys another card. If the current Warlord is a Republican, all black cards are removed from deck before play.
- This final figure may be skewed by the electoral campaigns, which take the form of a gathering of color-coded, but otherwise identical monkeys flinging shit at each other.
- On voting day, voter inputs number into RepubliCom voting machine and collects fuel coupons.
- Final tallies are added together for each state, then ignored as the Electoral College decides it with a coin toss.
- ????
- PROFIT!
[edit] Economy
The Ulcered Sphincter of Asserica has the world's largest and most technologically advanced economy in the world. This however is not set to last, as by 2040, china will have overtaken the USA as the world's leading economy, strictly for the LULZ. In the mean time their immediate wealth is partly due to the fact that both Japan and Germany (not to mention, to varying degrees, Canadia, South Korea, Israel, Kuwait, Australia, and Rhode Island) are now America's lapdogs who are under submission due to threat of possible US invasion. This goes back to the question of why should Americans work when they can get others to. See modern day slavery. Whenever a technological or industrial breakthrough takes place in Mexico or Germany, the US is quick to swoop in and bribe the inventors with McDonald's cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets in exchange for the intellectual property. When leaders of Mexico and Germany have protested this imperialism by the United States, US Presidents have simply said "Watch the movie 'Saving Private Ryan'", Loose Change, or "Watch the movie 'The Sands of Iwo Jima'" followed by "We can throw down again if you want to, huh? You wanna do that? That's what I thought Yoshi/Fritz, we're cowboys baby...YEEEHHHAAAA! That's how we ROLL BIOTCH!!!" Nixon resigned days later.
The United States has a yearly GDP (income) of about 15 trillion. This is larger than the 6 next richest nations combined, but it means little because the US spends roughly 33% of this money on porno, Big Macs, Budweiser; the other 66% is used on guns. The remaining 1% disappears in a puff of fairy dust. One of the United States' main claims to fame is the outspending of every other nation in military while spending nothing on welfare. It is less commonly known that USAns (the inhabitants of the United States) are also the world's foremost producers and consumers of innumerable other products, including liquid paper, noxious gas, Tupperware, disposable diapers, corn, SUVs and baseball.
Furthermore the USA believes in Free Trade, a concept that can only be explained through analogy, and to anyone with the concept of greed.
Imagine being wrongly convicted of pedophilia and then having to serve 75 years in the company of rapists, murderers, criminals and (even) niggers of all descriptions, whom having been deprived of female contact for ages, have contracted the gay and hanker after you and your virgin tight asshole. Just ask any of the 2 million Americans behind bars.
-Day 1: A 500 lb nigger pins you to the shower wall. You struggle in vain but nevertheless get pwned in the ass.
-Day 2: The 500 lb nigger shows up with his two Jew friends. You resist as much as you can but get the shit kicked out of you and your face covered in Jew cum.
-Day 3: No need to resist. You're already prostrate on the shower floor, totally lubed up and waiting for your new found friends to come and pork you in the bum.
The psychological paradigm shift which occurs on Day 3...which incites you to your decision... you lying on the floor with your ass in the air and your face on the floor with a smile; This is the essence of free trade. This is what the WTO and Free Trade is all about.
So to sum it all up: It's crap.
[edit] Military
The U.S Military is a bunch of homo fags that are too stupid to pass first grade, so they drop out and join the military, to avoid prison where they take steroids to make it look like they work out when really all they do is eat McDonald's and have anal. These retards are actually trusted with guns and bombs and which has resulted in an American invention known as "friendly fire". This event only occurs when they're around and basically consists of a fucktard shooting someone on their own side and going "sorry you had a gun and I just freaked out". Americans only have the balls to attack others when they are armed to the teeth and travel in numbers. When captured alone, they are not like Rambo, but simply get beheaded on youtube.
- [emo] drug dealer/truthfag.
America also enjoys firing at British troops, and bombing British tanks. This has gone back as far as the Second World War, as shown in a British wartime joke; "When the Germans shoot, the British duck. When the British shoot, the Germans duck. When the Americans shoot, EVERYONE ducks!". It should be noted that this joke is a good example of American ignorance. The reason friendly fire is higher among American forces is because they're retarded and badly trained. Others have argued that they are flat-out retarded and pretend to be just dumb instead of the irredeemable morons they truly are. Since America's army exploits every country, they build huge rockets to watch the pretty colors, but then they discovered that they actually kill people when a guy thought he could reach the moon on one and failed, which resulted in the modern nuclear bomb.
The bulk of former soldiers in the United States of Americunts, have banded to together over the years to form the citizens' militia; essentially a group of rednecks from Alabama, who tote obscenely large weapons at every possible juncture to compensate for the small average size of the Americunt penis.
The main problem with the american army seems to be the inability to aim, or co-ordinate any form of attack that doesn't consist of blindly shooting until you hit something. This is not helped by the high incest rate of america, which results in the low IQ and fleeting attention span. Training in the american army generally consists of having your head shaving and being able bodied enough to hold a gun, whereas other more traditional armies persist with the idea that teaching people to aim is of some benefit, something america did away with some time ago.
[edit] "Liberation"
The United States has a tendency to free other countries from entities that may or may not actually be a problem - most recently:
- Freeing Afghanistan from Terrorists (and Opium)
- Freeing Iraq from Terrorists (and Oil) while killing 1 million of them
- Freeing The Whoal World!! from Miloševič
- Freeing the UK from British pop music
- Freeing Bin Laden
On tap:
- Freeing Syria from Terrorists (and Oil)
- Freeing Iran from Terrorists (and Oil)
In the works:
- Freeing Venezuela from duly elected President Hugo Chavez, or whomever the CIA decides to install after the coup. (also Oil)
- Freeing the world from North Korea - a crafty ploy, as it was the US that brokered that missile technology to them through 3rd parties. A simple plan and a great excuse to go barging in.
America is very good at bombing the shit out of poor Middle Eastern civilians that have about three rusty missiles from 30 years ago and a crate of AK-47s with which to defend themselves. Fighting a country such as North Korea, which might well have weapons of mass destruction, is a little bit riskier, that's why USA lost the Korean war. As a result, America probably won't invade unless they have the support of The Coalition of The Willing (Britain, Japan, Israel, Australia.. Turkey? Other suck-ups..) and are certain China won't nuke the shit out of them in retribution, even if they wanted to.
Many people believe New Jersey, Massachusetts and California are the US's next targets as they are all violating the US's strict "don't be a fucking homo" policy.
You're welcome.
[edit] Inventions
- Sex
- God
- Aliens
- Lots of ways to destroy itself.
- Crap
- Sick Fucks
- Retards
- Necrophilia
- Trannies
- Dildos
- Guns
- The Giant dildo of death
- Mecha-Dildos
- Impulse Jack rabbits.
- Incest
- Bestiality
- Pedophilia
- Obesity
- Jailbait
- Pwn
- Win
- Arrogance
- Ignorance
- retardation
- Unwarranted Self Importance
- Fundamentalist Christians
- Al-Qaeda
- Time Cube
- Terrorism
- Scientology
- Fleshlights
- McDonald's
- KFC
- JewTube
- Gay pr0n
- Furries
- SUVs
- Xbox
- Israel
- AIDS
- Emo
- MySpace
- Corn
- Peanut Butter
- Low-carb
- Fail
- Sub-prime loans
- Crack cocaine
- High-quality crystal meth
- The Cotton Gin
- Internets
- Global Warming
- Weeaboo
- Wiggers
- AZN
- God Hates Fags
- God Bless America
- Preemptive War
- Enemy Combatants
- WTC
- Nigger Trade
- Snowmobile
- Gang rape and Jerry Springer show
- Elmo moves on!!!
- Being Canada's bitch
- Spending more money than they have thus fucking up the economy
- Stupidity
- Hippies
- Rednecks
- Sluts
- Whores
- Chuck Norris
[edit] Cities, States and Whatnot
- Alabama
- Arkansas
- Baghdad
- Boston, capital of the State of Massapleasegivemebread.
- California: San Diego, San Fagcisco, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Santa Rosa, Sebastopol, The OC
- Canada, as soon as some sort of use can be found for it
- Colorado
- Detroit
- Earth
- El Salvador
- Florida: Miami
- Georgia: Atlanta
- Habbo USA
- Idaho
- Illinois: Chicago
- Iraq
- Israel
- Indiana, the greatest state in the union.
- Kansas
- London
- Louisiana: New Orleans
- Maine
- Mexico, since most of Mexico is already in the USA
- Maryland
- Mordor
- Puto Delicioso
- Sparta
- Washington, DC
- Minnesota: Minneapolis
- Nevada: Las Vegas, Reno
- New Hampshire
- New Jersey
- New York: New York City
- Ohio: Youngstown
- Pennsylvania: Philadelphia
- Texas: Austin, Dallas, Fort Worth, Houston, San Antonio
- The Internets
- United Kingdom
- Utah
- Retardation
- Vice City
- Washington: Seattle
- Wyoming
- The rest of the freaking world (at least they think so)
[edit] Population
- Satan
- Chuck Norris
- Aliens
- Immigrants who consider themselves Native Americans.
- Native Americans who are treated like Immigrants.
- Sick Fucks
- Niggas
- Wiggers
- Nites.
- Rednecks
- Sluts
- Americunts
- Pac-Men
- Whores
- Nazis
- Steven Spielberg look alikes
- Uncle Festers
- Weeaboos
- Pedos
- Jailbait
- Putos
- Bitches
- Dogs
- Trannies
- Guns
- Yuppies
- Retards
- Mexican scourge
- None of the above.
- All of the above.
[edit] Americunt Videos
An example of classic American idiocy
Your Average American Lifestyle
The true face of Amerikkka.
[edit] Gallery
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[edit] The 'Beauty' of America
Despite anything, any and all things from, of, or pertaining to America is automatically worse than everything else (except jew bastards and spics. Niggers would also be included here but America is planning to get raped by them all again, and we don't want to provoke them). Whether or not statistics, ratings, rankings, or any other form of acceptable logical measurement of anything shows it or not, the United States of America was, is and always will be the absolute worst in all possible fields and categories, because yes, America is that fucking awful.
[edit] See Also
- Americunts
- Why do you hate America?
- Manifest Destiny
- White People
- W
- Obesity
- Diabeetus
- Unwarranted Self Importance
- [2]
- What Russia thinks of America WARNING: High levels of Retardation
- Good place for showing your American hate for Muslins and the oposite as well
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