Sonic the Hedgehog
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Sonic the Hedgehog is the flamboyant mascot of the Sega Corporation and a more XTREME ripoff of Mickey Mouse. He is also a form of mind control made by the Sega Corporation in an attempt to turn kids into furries. He can also run hella fucking fast. A noted pioneer of the furry subculture, Sonic is the preferred fap material for DevianTART fags. Born in 1991, Sonic was a lovable game character in Sega's kick-ass 2D side scrollers, all of which were like "OH MY GOD I'M THE MOTHERFUCKING RUNNER OF THE NORTH STAR!" With the debut of the Sega Dreamcast and an all new INNOVATIVE 3D game engine, Sonic followed his rainbow and did a U-turn straight into fail town. It is at this point that the Sonic games went from being Sonic and his buddy Tails fighting the forces of Robotnik to ORIGINAL CHARACTER DON'T STEAL everywhere. Suddenly, the series had PINK LOVE INTEREST HEDGEHOG WITH GIANT MALLET BAKA BAKA and GOTH TITS and I AM BLACK PUMPKIN HILL NIGGA and GWOGGIE and FIND DA COMPUTER ROOM and EMO SONIC BUT NOT SONIC BLACK REPAINT and OMG IBLIS TRIGGER appearing out of fucking nowhere. Because what's better than racing at super fast speeds, ricocheting off spring-a-ma-jigs, HOLY SHIT RUNNING UPSIDE DOWN, and head butting robots? Give up?! It's a horde of unlikable characters jismed all over your face. It should also be noted that Sonic is the preferred subject of all the horrible fanfiction-writers and even more disgustingly horrible "fan-made characters", 90% of which are hedgehogs. Assured, you don't see any Mario fans doing that shit.
See Also: The fall of the Star Fox franchise.
[edit] Gameplay
The object of the "Sonic the Hedgehog" video game is to hold the D-PAD right for 15 minutes straight. Subsequent games in the series would add various novelties, such as jumping. This involves venturing through eight surreal worlds with eerie dream-like levels inhabited by testicle-robots and old pedophiles with fetishes for robots.
In 1998, the series exploded into 3D, daring players to "change the orientation," 3D Sonic rendered holding right obsolete, inspiring dozens of imitators with its revolutionary upward D-PAD holding.
As Sonic's star faded, an alter-ego, Shadow, was introduced... along with a gun and a motorcycle. Here, a particularly deft brand of skill is required, as the player must reconcile the concepts of holding up on the D-pad, jumping, shooting, and cutting yourself AT THE SAME TIME. Hardcore shit.
And not too many years later, after fans got bored of fapping to Shadow, they came out with OMG SILVER!!!! He is capable of flying and orgasming at the same fucking time!!
[edit] History
Hailing from a rare species of blue bipedal hedgehog, Sonic was mocked and ostracized as a youth. Like many exceptional people, however, he exploited his abundant free time, developing a unique running ability as well as his trademark 'tude. Needless to say, people beat the shit out of him.
In the 16-bit days, Sonic was one of the most popular game mascots and ran head to head against Mario. Unfortunately, both were supplanted by Tomb Raider when Lara Croft unleashed her secret weapon.
Then, after the failures of the Sega Master System, the Sega Game Gear, the Sega CD, the Sega CDX, the Sega 32X, the Sega Pico, the Sega Nomad, the Sega Saturn, the Sega Neptune, the Sega Dreamcast, and multiple other Sega ventures, Sonic was left without a home console. Humbled and defeated, he drifted onto skid row, eager to work the bulge of whatever lame ass console that came his way in order to earn some money for more chili dogs to eat. But then Sonic Team got their shit together and put out a game for the Wii that was actually almost not shit, possibly saving Sonic's dwindling fandom from becoming a cesspool of furfaggotry and retardation...Oh, wait.
Nowadays, Sega produces Sonic games for the type of customers who enjoy cool games with few glitches, simple controls, and awesome camera angles. Oh, wait again... yeah, disregard that previous statement. As of 2007, Sonic is officially a Nintendo character, since he will both be in a Mario Sports game involving the Special Olympics and Super Mario World 6. Hopefully Sega will be completely cut out of the picture and leave Nintendo to do the gaming work. Maybe then it won't be sheer faggotry.
[edit] The games
[edit] Sonic The Hedgehog
The game that started it all. Sonic must obtain the Chaos Emeralds from Dr. Eggman in order to cyber them with his animal friends. If you don't collect the Chaos Emeralds however, you get a screen of Dr. Eggman molesting Macaulay Culkin.
[edit] Sonic The Hedgehog 2
The game that introduced Sonic's bitch buddy Tails who was always trying to annoy the fuck out of you. The Death Egg was also introduced in this game which caused some controversy between Sega and George Lucas. It was also the first game in the Sonic franchise that got infected with Dragonball Z syndrome when sonic could use the Chaos Emeralds to increase his power level to over 9000. The transformation to Super Saiyan includes golden, spikier hair; invincibility and increased speed.
[edit] Sonic CD
Sonic travels through time somehow to hunt down Dr. Eggman in order to molest Amy Rose, who wears a green tutu and a yellow shirt. This game was revolutionary in that it introduced the first female character, allowing Sonic fans to pretend they weren't faggots.
[edit] Sonic The Hedgehog 3
The third game in the series which introduces Knuckles who could put even the most hardcore prostitute to shame in the number of dicks he blows. Rumor has it that Michael Jackson wrote some of the music for the game.
[edit] Sonic & Knuckles
A Continuation of Sonic 3, also allows you to lock on Sonic 2 & 3, if you lock on Sonic 1, you get a computer error. Considered by many Sonic fantards to be the last good Sonic game. They forget, though, that Sonic was NEVER good.
[edit] Knuckles Chaotix
Unfortunately, nobody remembers this game because no one ever owned a Sega 32X. It is rumored to have featured a lazy wigger crocodile and several other cliche furries. It probably has a high level of faggotry, regardless. I mean, let's be honest, it's a SONIC game!
[edit] Sonic 3D Blast
Sonic in 3D, basically you run around in 3D until your hands get sore from holding down the D-PAD. Came out the same year Super Mario 64 did, which was far better than this shit.
[edit] Sonic R
Sonic Racing game where everyone but Amy and Robotnik run around a grand total of 5 different tracks while the most boring singer in the world sings songs where every pair of lines rhyme. You can unlock other characters but they're just a robot version of one of the starters. About as interesting as it sounds, and if this sounds exciting, you're probably on medication for ADD. Again, it has high levels of faggotry. It's a fucking Sonic game, people.
[edit] Sonic Adventure
Sega's answer to Nintendo's Mario 64. The game revolves around watching a billion cut scenes just to play a shitty 2 minute level. You can run really really fast, catch fish, shoot everything, and turn into Super Sonic at the end to win. Basically, Sega tried to be badass and hardcore, but failed. Still, a lot of people like this game due to its... Why the fuck do people like this game?
[edit] Sonic Adventure 2
You can play as two hedgehogs in this game; Sonic or Shadow. You also get to play as Knuckles, Rouge, Tails and Dr. Robotnik, but no one likes their levels. There's also a rumor that Dr. Eggman was responsible for 9/11. This is the first game most Sonic fantards have played, which would explain how faggy most fantards are.
[edit] Sonic Shuffle
Pretty much Mario Party, except different things.
Sonic Advance
Boring sidescrolling game for the Gameboy Advance. It was also on Nokia N-Gage but nobody knows that because nobody would ever buy that shit. You can play as all the furries: Sonic, Tails, Amy, and Fuckles. Though, it's a Sonic game, so it sucks pretty bad.
Sonic Heroes
Sonic and his friends in another crappy 3D adventure, nuff said. Has some of the lulziest dialogue in any Sonic game, due to how incredibly corny and facepalm-inducing it is. But, you have to remember, it's a Sonic game.
[edit] Sonic Battle
Now sonic can kick the crap out of his friends. The battles use the original concept of pitting 4 characters against each other and fight to the death. Like in Soul Calibur, you win by pressing the "B" button and have some lulz at the Artificial unIntelligence that walks right into your attacks.
[edit] Sonic Rush
The game that introduced Blaze The Cat, a whore from the future. Considered by many fantards to be a major break from the shitty 3D Sonic games.
Shadow the Hedgehog
Shadow shoots things to gun down millions of innocent civilians in order to find out about his past. In one mission, Shadow is ordered to, quite literally, destroy the Internets. Lulz. This game is also the progenitor of the fandom's two most significant (and EXTREMELY unfunny) memes: "Find the Computer Room" and "Where's that damn fourth Chaos Emerald". Not to mention this game is god-awful and made the Sonic series look incredibly bad.
[edit] Sonic Riders
Because Sonic R just wasn't extreme enough, Sonic and Co. are given some hoverboards that rip off the ones from Back to the Future and compete in EXTREME races with three birds, created when Sega got their hands on the "make your own Sonic Character" flash, who all have EXTREME names like Jet.
Sonic The Hedgehog Genesis
A shitty attempt to port Sonic 1 onto the Game Boy Advance for some quick cash. But it failed so hard that even the most rabid Sonicfag would think twice before buying it. But, by now, this is to be expected...
Sonic The Hedgehog (2006)
Sonic the Hedgehog for Xbox 360 and PS3. The developers were too busy eating lunch or something to think of a more original name like... Anything else and worse they couldn't think up any actual gameplay that isn't total fucking shit. In this game, Sonic must save a princess from Dr. Robotnik; sound familiar? The game also introduced glitchy camera angles and controls which pissed off many fanboys and fangirls. The object in many levels was to hold the D-PAD on the controller down for 15 minutes to watch Sonic speed through the levels and crash into all sorts of shit. Also there were OVER 9000 loading screens in the game. Known by Spax3 (aka stupid Sonicfanfag) as "Sonic: The Disaster". But, yet again...It's a fucking Sonic game, what do you expect?
[edit] Sonic Rivals
A racing game that's still moar extreme than the horrible Sonic R. You also get cards. Has a sequel, but no one cares, not even Sonicfags. Yes, it's really that shitty.
Sonic & The Secret Rings
Sonic gets trapped in an Arabian Nights book and must collect some rings. It sucked, as well. A lulzy quote by Sonic in the beginning: "...so who's this Genie who wants to destroy reality again?" Often following this dialog is the owner either:
- A) Shitting all over the game and it's box, then returning it to GameStop for a full refund;
- B) Enjoying the game, and acknowledging himself or herself to be a 13-year-old furfag.
[edit] Sonic Rush Adventure
A sequel to Sonic Rush. Sonic gets stuck on an island after his plane crashes because he was too distracted by Tails sucking his dick to actually fucking navigate the damn thing. It introduced Marine, a lesbian loli raccoon with annoying Aussie dialogue, who basically orders Sonic to do everything for her including daily cock stroking. The main differences of this game and Sonic Rush is that you can actually move around one small room and talk to all the koala pedophiles in it until it's time to rape Marine. Basically, complete shit.
[edit] Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games
Sonic and his friends finds some plumbers, a giant turtle, and two princesses, and then they compete in the Special Olympics. Nobody gives a shit about this game now, due to Sonic in Super Smash Bros. Brawl. At least Amy's in a leotard, so sick fucks looking for a panty shot get denied this day..
[edit] Sonic Riders: Zero Gravity
Since the prequel wasn't EXTREME enough, you can now fuck with gravity. Wheee! The only way to come 1st in a race is to use up your gravity gauge to fly and go OVER 9000 miles per hour. You can also occasionally run, which is faster, but since all the characters are too stupid to run in the first place, you still get to use your EXTREME GEAR!!!!11!!1oneoneone.
.The game also features a multi-player mode where you can shoot other characters with Ronald McDonald's dick(s), making the game mildly acceptable. But not all the way; it still sucks.
[edit] Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Masashiro Sakurai decided to put Sonic in this game to ensure that the furries who preferred Sonic porn over the generic furry kind would shell out their Jew golds for it. His involvement in the game's story is minimal, only showing up at the very end and pwning the final boss in one hit. But in-game-wise, he fucking sucks ass. Everyone beats the shit out of him for being a cocky little shit.
[edit] Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood
AKA Sonic Testicles, The Dick Brotherhood, This shit is Sonic's first attempt to rip off Final Fantasy Super Mario RPG, whose title instantly calls to mind many of the 9,001 Sonic fanfics on fanfiction.net. BioWare decided to piss off every Shadow fangirl in existence by naming one of the new characters Shade, who looks like a Pokemon. Her design is, ironically, more creative than any other character Sega conceived; but that's not saying much, considering that the rest of the fandom just recolors Sonic, Amy or Tails and tries to copyright them for themselves. This is one of the many new games of Sonic's that will proceed to steal ideas from Zelda. Shade is basically Midna, but the design (and presumably the backstory) got shat upon by Sega a Knuckles recolor with vestigial tits and fancy-pants armor.
Some Ausfags got this game early and managed to beat it really fast, and then leaked the entire plot to the rest of the world. Lulz and butthurt ensued when people learned about the ending mentioned above.
[edit] Sonic Unleashed
Based on the few still images leaked to the Intarwebs (try as people might, no secret is secret for long), Eggman finally figures out that draining Super Sonic's powers is the key to beating him. Gee, draining powers from a powerful guy. Who would've thought? Anyway, unfortunately for the world, it ends up turning Sonic into a werewolf of sorts, increasing the levels of furry faggotry even higher than before. While Sega has decided to dump all the extra characters except Sonic's buttbuddy Tails and his enraged jailbait fangirl Amy, they make up for it by introducing some flying chipmunk thing named Chip, who is in competition with Tails for rights on getting hawt buttsecks.
[edit] Sonic and The Black Knight
Just because a Werehog wasn't enough, they gave Sonic a sword, just to piss the Zelda-fans off. Within hours of the cover being scanned onto the Internet, Monty Python jokes abound. This game is apparently set in the Medieval times, so it can rip off Zelda even moar. But it has EXTREMELY less original characters, because this one ACTUALLY TAKES FROM THE MEDIEVAL TIMES. There is literally King Fucking Arthur. Many Sonic fanboys defend this game, saying that the game isn't like Zelda because Sonic's sword talks. Big fuckin' whoop, it's an advice fairy/Midna AND the weapon all in one. Moar as this develops.
[edit] Sonic and The Random Fucking Object or Person
Another Sonic game is being developed as we speak, because apparently, 3 un-released games all at one given time isn't enough. Apparently, this one will have fairies that give you advice, musical instruments, several pieces of equipment, and a green hedgehog wearing a fairy hat named Tinglo. It'll also possess very detailed monsters, a long with different classes and allies, some of which are Swordsmen, Knights, and Wizards. RPG battles will be included. Sonic will be able to jump onto robots to collect rings, as well as fly through the galaxy using Flingy Stars. Yes! All of this in a Sonic game! And, if you collect 120 Rings, you get to play as Shadow! Completely original material, as expected from Sega. Coming soon.
[edit] Sonic rapes Mario 3
The sequel to Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games and Super Smash Bros. Brawl. You can also play "Rouge rapes Luigi" in this game.
[edit] The movies
[edit] Sonic: Night of the Werehog
SEGA making a good turn towards advertising Sonic? Ha, ha, no! It's a pretty shitty Sonic Halloween movie coming out November about furries, chihuahuas, and gay. You probably won't like it.
Actually its about a ghost chick who offers Blowjobs for pictures of people going batshit insane. Two ghost guys try to beat Sonic and Chip up for the picture but Sonic turns into a furry cause of the moon and he then kicks their asses up into the moon in a scene which is so not totally ripping off Team Rocket. The ghost chick gets a picture of Werehog and becomes horny so she proceeds in giving the Werehog a massive Ghost Blowjob while Chip has to fap instead.
[edit] The TV shows
Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog
Some argue that this is the best Sonic show, and even though they're all retrofags, they're right anyway since all the other shows are even worse. Basically Sonic and Tails run around (when they're not having buttsecks) while Robotnik (later renamed Eggman) and his two moronic sex slaves Scratch and Grounder (think Tom Servo and Crow, only retarded) try to catch Sonic. It is notable because at the end of every episode, Sonic gets preachy, especially about booze and pedophilia (srsly, LOL). These messages are the show's sole source of lulz. It is also notable that Steve Urkel does Sonic's voice, and the owner of Robotnik's voice is some old dead British musician who has a pirate name. As of late, this show has become a prime source of material for YouTube Poop, especially Robotnik's PINGAS.
SATAM
This show is darker and more sinister than Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. In this show, Sonic, Tails, and a bunch of other furries are hiding in a forest from Robotnik (who is now a HUEG fatass with a creepy voice), his midget Jew nephew Snively (note the massive nose), and his army of robots. It also has the most gay catchphrases in any Sonic ANYTHING! It makes Sonic Heroes' dialogue look like William Shakespeare! No fuckin' joke! The vile Archie Comics version of Sonic spawned from this show, complete with Princess Sally Acorn, a squirrel chipmunk ground squirrel rodent of some sort; Bunnie Rabbot, a cyborg rabbit with a metal crotch (ouch); Antoine deSomething, a cowardly coyote (don't they know that coyotes being cowards is a crock of shit?); and about over 9,000 other characters over time.
It's important for everyone who enjoyed this show to understand that Sonic and his friends were not freedom fighters like they claimed. They were terrorists, thus making them slightly less fail.
Sonic the Hedgehog OVA
This anime came out in Japan at least 100 years ago and you could see the craptastic trailer in the Sonic Jam game for Sega Saturn (if those actually existed). Sometime last Thursday it was badly dubbed, and you can easily find this dub on JewTube. It featured Princess Sera, a bitch with a monkey tail, who has an astonishing resemblance to that bestiality-obsessed Princess Elise. One could only assume that said tail was used for assraping Knuckles on their honeymoon. Needless to say, it was not popular. Tails' voice is at its faggiest here, officially making him the most homosexual entity ever, fictional or otherwise.
If you want to avoid watching this shitty OVA, then do not fear! Much like Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series, there is a parody of this that basically shortens the first half of the film with voice-overs, making the OVA not suck so bad and actually creating lulz. Oh, and it also reveals that Eggman has a fetish for furry hentai and /b/
Episode 1: [1]
Episode 2: [2]
Episode 3: [3]
Episode 4: [4]
Episode 5: [5]
Episode 6: [6]
Sonic Underground
This show, originally in French, was thankfully short. It involved Sonic and his two recolors, Sonia and Manic, looking for their mother in between incestuous threesomes (Sonia had a cock). Other than that, it's the same as SATAM, except even more fail. Knuckles also makes a few appearances, and has the faggiest voice this side of 4Kids, which were all performed by Urkel! Okay fine, Knuckles was voiced by Goku.
Sonic X
This show is the one that all of the Sonic weeaboos watch. It is the only one that takes the video game canon into account, except it adds a human character named Chris Thorndyke, whom everyone hates. Thanks to the presence of Shadow, it is over 9000 times moar emo than the above shows. If that wasn't bad enough, 4Kids decided to pick out shitty voice actors. Thus, this one fails the hardest. Like the others, it is over, but it will probably be revived since Sega hasn't added the part where they add a season that adapts Shadow the Hedgehog in an attempt to milk whatever money they can off their retarded fans.
[edit] Character Evolution
At the start of the franchise, aside from the multitude of crabs and other tentacle monsters, which required amazing reflexes to defeat, by holding down right on the D-PAD as well as pressing the A button, there were only two other characters. Sonic the Hedgehog, and Dr. Robotnik, grandson (or clone?) of William H. Taft. Even until this day, each of the eight times Eggman appears per game (as he is the only person stupid enough to try to fight someone who has killed him at least 100 times), an epic battle is waged, consisting of pushing the A button (or 1 button for all you Hip Cats on Sega Genesis) an astounding six times! By the end of just the first game, your already weary right hand will be screaming to stop! But that's just the first game! And you thought the excitement was over?
Scrambling for a new gimmick, Sega decided to bring a new character into the mix. And what type of furry should be best friends with a hedgehog? A fox, of course! And with all the creative prowess of a group of eight year old boys playing Power Rangers, Sega decided to make him have all of Sonic's powers, but BETTAR! Not being able to settle for just a retarded Cat/Fox, he was also "blessed" with a second tail, which somehow gives him the ability to fly. They called their freak of nature, "Tails" (How creative). Sega, being the creative geniuses they are, also decided to give their new abomination a squeaky eight year old's voice. Not only would this appeal to the furry community, but also to pedophiles.
Not content with a spandex wearing fatass, a blue rodent, and a mutated flying cat, they decided to push the envelope even further! With Sonic's 'tude going unchecked for years, another asshole was needed to step in and show that blue faggot what's up. Sega decided that Sonic's rival should be the exact same as Sonic, except with slight differences, so their furry fandom couldn't tell this new, hip character was obviously a recolor. This difference was a pair of brass knuckles underneath the white gloves that EVERY FUCKING CHARACTER IN THIS SERIES WEARS. They named this rip-off "Knuckles" (Isn't Sega's originality just amazing? You never would have guessed that they pulled this name out of their ass). These brass "Knux" and his "Don't take shit from nobody, yo" attitude, makes him the token nigger of the series.
[edit] Other characters
Through a unique arrangement, Sonic spends most of his time locked in vague hostilities with his mortal enemy, William H. Taft, part time scientist, full time fatass.
Aside from the aforementioned characters, Sonic features a variety of characters, all equally attractive to furry faggots:
- Tails - Sonic's bitch butt buddy. He has two tails shooting out of his ass. Tails is a faggot (as all furry foxes are), and Sonic couldn't be happier.
- Knuckles - Sonic's gangsta-ghetto playa. A running gag is the racism that Sonic has against Knuckles. Knuckles spends his time guarding a huge emerald that he likes to cyber with when nobody is around. Like all echidnas, he has four dicks, and uses two at a time. Seriously, they do.
-
Dr RobotnikEggman - President Taft in a gay jumpsuit. Eggman is to furries what Hitler is to Jews, and his tireless dedication to fursecuting the shit out of Sonic's posse every game means he is one of the best villains evar. Unfortunatly, he gets pwned by those fucking furries at the end of every game. Since he's too fat to do any work himself, he turns captured furries into robot slaves to do everything for him. Arbeit macht frei, indeed.
- Shadow - A hedgehog and blatant ripoff of Vegeta that you want to be and who has a "dark past lol". Frequently targeted by cooler-than-you-fan-characters who are great artists. For some reason Shadow can never stop thinking about white women. He frequently has flashbacks of some white bitch who fingered his pussy while rubbing her dick. His signature ability is the awkward use of firearms, since he is LOL DARK. He also uses "Chaos Control", which is basically Za Warudo, only far less awesome.
- Rouge - A prostitute bat with tits that would make your mom cry, and the character the 13-year-old boys and basement dwellers fap to, assuming they're not pedos. Sega claims she's 18, but her voice makes her seem like a 50-year-old bitch. Fangirls war over whether she belongs with Knuckles or with Shadow, but who cares? She's
probably slept with every character anyway.DEFINITELY slept with every character (and every fan character too! Omg who would have thought?)
- Amy Rose - Stupid jailbait bitch who badly wants Sonic to get in her panties. She is more humble and sweet than a Mary Sue. Many fantards also engage in shipping wars, each claiming that either Sonic/Amy, or Shadow/Amy, or Tails/Amy, or whatever pointless coupling is the most kawaii. She is also the subject of much Sonic-related Rule 34.
- Cream - Everyone loves Cream (Except for these fags) and most jack off to images of her every night. WTF??? Somebody should have told SEGA that naming her Cream was a very, very bad idea and to put her in Sonic 2 instead of Tails.
- Big - An obese, asspie cat. His hobbies include fishing and masturbating to pictures of Blaze. He is BFF with a frog who gets shoved up Big's ass regularly. He wasn't featured in moar than two games cause he's a slow piece of shit.
- Silver - Whiny drama whore from the future. Wants to kill Sonic for posting him on ED. Powers include telekinetic throws that always miss, super slow walking and a voice almost as faggoty as Tails' voice. Silver is commonly seen reciting gay, dramatic lines taken straight out of Lifetime movies. An interesting fact is that Silver is really the aborted fetus of Sonic and Shadow who are secretly having daily sex romps in SEGA's closet. Also, others seem to know that Silver fucks 5 men at a time with those dicks growing out of his head, though some argue that its actually a leaf of hemp.
- Blaze - She is a princess from the future that uses pyrokinesis and becomes an hero to save the future, which also causes Silver to become even moar emo than Shadow. She is usually fucked in the ass by Big's giant blue cock.
- Team Chaotix - A trio of retarded detectives. Their leader, Vector, is a wigger crocodile who currently has a voice with fagginess rivaling that of Tails and Silver. Their "stealth expert", Espio, is a weeaboo chameleon with mediocre ninja skills; and Charmy,an annoying and bratty bee who serves as their mascot, and isn't even very good at threesomes. Missing is Mighty the Armadillo, who was actually Sonic in disguise.
- Chao -
They stopped appearing in games because Sonic kept shoving them up his anus. Their disappearance has led to a number of furfag suicides, who curled up with their last copy of Sonic Adventure 2 Battle after they learned these little confectionery balls of gold were nevar to return. Sega ultimately decided to bring them back in Sonic Unleashed, probably to stop the whining and cutting.
- Princess Elise - Some whore from the uncanny valley that Sonic screwed around with in the PS3/360 game, and probably a closet furry. She was told by her dad not to be emo because if she did, she wouldn't be fucked by Sonic. Oh, and everyone would be killed with fire.
- Marine - Loli newcomer that already has at least 100 hentai pictures of her on the interwebs. She is killed in the end because she bit Sonic and gave him rabies. It's for the best, since she talks in such a thick Australian accent that even Steve Irwin would tell her to shut the fuck up...if he wasn't dead. Seriously, what self-respecting Australian person uses the word "Strewth" anymore? The only times anyone remembers her are for the scenes where she has sex with Tails.
- Mephiles the Dark - A recolor of Shadow that spent too much time stuck in the freezer. He spends his afternoons wanting to have buttsecks with Shadow, but he has to settle for Silver's five dicks most of the time. He successfully kills Sonic with his laser but has that undone when Sega goes back in time and pretends the game never existed.
- The Babylon Rogues - None of them should ever be dignified with their own individual section here. All of them are blatant ripoffs of the kids from Rocket Power except that they're birds, and THEY TOTALLY GOT BEEFED UP THE GRIND, DUDE, which is extreme slang for being raped and killed by Sonic. Their only note-worthy appearance was in some faggot's hentai comic, where the group's bitch gets fucked by the boss.
- Chaos - An amoeba with a brain of greater capacity than most denizens of LiveJournal and a power level of over 9000, assuming he eats all the Chaos Emeralds. It's a sure bet that if it's Sonic tentacle porn, this thing is involved.
- Tikal - An echidna who became an hero in order to keep Chaos from ruining shit. She was fucked by Sonic in her last canon appearance, and is currently getting tentacle raped in the ass by Chaos, while furfags everywhere fap to it, although some demand that Knuckles and/or Shadow be the one to rape Tikal. Too bad she's dead, dumbfucks.
- Eggman Nega - Moar liek Eggman Nigga, amirite? Yes, a darker Eggman from another dimension, who h8s Blaze and wants to get all the Sol Emeralds.
LikeUNlike Blaze, he's actually not all that retarded.
- Vanilla - Cream's mom, who is raising her daughter by herself because the father (probably Eggman) didn't want to pay for child support and left. While Rouge's voice actor on Sonic X makes her sound like a 50-year-old-whore, Vanilla's makes her sound like she's at least 100 years old and on various illegal substances. Despite this, Eggman enjoys fucking her.
- Chris Thorndyke - Some gay rich Jewish kid from Sonic X who nobody likes. He is introduced in the pilot episode right after he saves Sonic from drowning in some pool. Right then, he makes a vow to have buttsex with Sonic. It is never revealed that they indeed have buttsex. However, there is a six-month gap between the end of the 1st season and the 2nd season, so it's anybody's guess what happened.
- Cosmo - A character from the show "Seinfeld" (anyone remember Kramer's first name?) who makes a cameo appearance in the third season of Sonic X. He and Tails have a relationship until he kills him to save the universe, much like Aeris in Final Fantasy VII, except with a big fucking laser beam. When he died, over 9000 fangirls wrote shitty fanfics and made even shittier AMVs on JewTube saying how "tragic" his death was. Anyway, after Cosmo dies, he is brought back to life as a tree, making Tails into a literal tree-hugging hippy before he gets bored and goes back to having sex with Sonic. The first sentence is mostly bullshit but it will be enough to send any Cosmo fan into nerd rage. Rumored to be a girl, but this is not true since this would have meant Tails was not purely gay. Really, Cosmo is an attention whore that "has a mysterious secret lol".
- Dark Oak - Main villain of Sonic X and shameless ripoff of Freiza from that other show. After destroying all the women on his home planet to make it a gay utopia, he comes to Sonic's planet and starts up a plot that shamelessly rips off the sequel to that other show, which by proxy makes it much worse than the first season. In the end, everyone created specifically for said plot dies in a massive sex orgy consisting of himself, three similar-looking fags, and Cosmo, when Sonic and Shadow go into their
Super Sayiansuper forms and jam it in with the help of Tails' massive space penis gun, after which Tails cried like a bitch until Sonic gave him a dicking. Shadow also died so that's one good thing going for Sonic X, but knowing them they'll just bring him back sometime in the middle of the next season so they can do a plot based off of Shadow the Hedgehog.
- Nazo - A recolor of Super Sonic that briefly appeared in the Sonic X pilot. 13 year old Sonic fans and HedgeJew went batshit insane over him and turned him into a villain, making him more of a product of the fandom than Sega or 4Kids. He is frequently portrayed as a guy who blows up shit for the lulz, like villains from another show we know.
- Sally - SONIC'S NUMBER 1 FAN
AND DA COOLEST CHARACTER EVER IN THE ENTIRE SERIES, AND ALL OF HIS GIRLFRIENDS AND GAL PALS ARE DEAD! AND SO IS SHADOW HAHAHAHAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS Sally is the whiniest, know-it-all bitch who claims to have an iq of over 9,000 and yet uses her computer for ALL of the answers, and editing the Sonic the hedgehog article on wikipedia and ED. She expects for sonic to secks her up 24/7 and for ALL GIRLS TO DIE, which of course will never happen, since Sonic doesn't give a shit, and berating him doesn't help, does it, you goddamn chipmunk? She constantly asks for it from other male characters even though she's sworn her heart to sonic, and she's a nudist, for god's sake. Thank god she hasn't appeared in Sonic games or the furries would've gone mental.
- "Dexter" -
Amy's alleged new boyfriend for the new game Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood, which we're all sure will be as AWESUM and HARKOREEE as Shadow the Hedgehog. We calmly await the devastated SonAmy fans' bawling cries of "NOT FAIR" and ten-second boycotts. Hopefully, this is the first step to the fandom collapsing from the inside. It's most likely just a fake to make Sonic and others jealous. UPDATE: Confirmed by a screenshot in Nintendo Power magazine, a totally reliable source. Ironically, not even Sonic gives a crap.DISREGARD THAT AMY MADE HIM UP TO MAKE SONIC JEALOUS EVEN THOUGH HE WASN'T! WHAT A WHORE!!!1!1!one!
Scrapped Characters
SEGA has a history of using their characters a few times, and then throwing them in the trash, where they belong. Retrofags hate them for this, and with good reason. The older characters almost didn't suck compared the current shitty set of recolors. Among these trashed characters include a weasel with guns, an armadillo, and robot versions of Knuckles and Tails, among others. Fantards constantly call for their return. Reasonable people want these people to STFU and/or become an hero.
Super Forms
After gathering all seven dragonballs Chaos Emeralds, Sonic, Shadow and Silver can transform into their super saiyan super forms in which they become shitty recolors of themselves and gain the ability to do all the stuff they did before but this time with a power level of over 9000. It is an unwritten, but strictly enforced law that every Sonic fan character MUST be able to go Super without the Chaos Emeralds.
[edit] Evolution
Over time, the series has evolved. First starting out as nothing more than a light-hearted tale about a blue too-hip-for-this-room sack of shit party animal fighting some bald asshole that turns animals into robots, it has since become a series of incredibly lame, angst-ridden stories of tragic heroes as they take part in the ultimate battle between good and evil. Warning, facepalm ahead.
For those who are waiting for this to get lulzy, just turn your computers off now. Thank you.
[edit] Sonic Cult engrish lulz
(Mitsu Takara's comments are in italics)
From: Mitsuharu Takura Sent: Fri Mar 02 17:07:30 2007
Subject: Quit to upload Furry Bomb doujinsies!! This e-mail from JAPAN. I'm Mitsu Takura,Furry Bomb doujinshi artist. My friends taught me my doujinshies all pages uploading in Sonic cult site. Did you see Furry Bomb's last page? I wrote"Please don't copy,scan,upload~this doujinshi!!!". Want you to upload Furry Bombs. Please quit to upload Furry Bomb doujinshies. If you don't quit to upload,I'll quit to draw Sonic adult.
Alright so let me break this down
This e-mail from JAPAN.
Holy shit an email from JAPAN. This deserves special attention!
I'm Mitsu Takura,Furry Bomb doujinshi artist. My friends taught me my doujinshies all pages uploading in Sonic cult site.
I'm sorry, I can't control it if all your doujin pages feel like uploading themselves. Maybe you should train them better. Your friends seem like they enjoy teaching you things. Maybe they can teach you how to properly train doujin pages!
Did you see Furry Bomb's last page? I wrote"Please don't copy,scan,upload~this doujinshi!!!".
Oh that's okay then, we're only uploading them not copying and scanning them. I thought we were doing something we weren't supposed to do. Phew!
Want you to upload Furry Bombs.
Way ahead of you.
Please quit to upload Furry Bomb doujinshies.
..but... you just said... Oh whatever
If you don't quit to upload,I'll quit to draw Sonic adult.
That's okay then, most of the characters are underage, that means you can keep on drawing them. Can't wait to see Furry Bomb #6!
[edit] Anti-Pedophilia
Sonic is well-known for being a strong advocate of protecting minors against sexual predators. He can frequently be found around schools, teaching kids that harassment is "no good" and that when confronted by a molester, one should "get outta there" as soon as possible.
This is also ironic since Sonic and Michael Jackson are actually
In the early 90s, Sonic broadcast a public service announcement in which he expressed his love for pedophilia:
[edit] The Fanbase
The Sonic fanbase is, unsurprisingly, filled with furfaggotry, which is split into 2 distinctive parts. Furry smut from the "old" part of the fandom usually consists of Princess Sally from "SatAM" being fucked. Those that are in this part of the fandom that don't jack off to Sonic porn are bitter retrofags who refuse to play anything after Sonic 1 because "the original is best" (For instance, all of Sonic CulT).
The second, much larger part of the fandom is the 13-15 year-olds who played Sonic Adventure 2 and watched Sonic X and probably don't know what a Sega Genesis is. Like Captricosakara, this section of the fandom delights in creating fan-characters, which, having taken their cues directly from Sega's character creation process, are quite arguably the least imaginative fan characters in any fandom ever. Most are recolored Sonic clones wearing trenchcoats and those stupid huge goth boots that have swords and can go Super at any time, and are evil. If they're not that, they're recolored Amy clones with impossible hairstyles, and possess a sluttiness level higher than Rouge. This part also produces the worst of the Sonic porn, due to it being drawn by people who don't know what a vagina actually looks like, or have just copied it from a porno mag they found in some bushes. The fandom is also filled with drama, the essential staple for any furry fandom, usually between "new" and "old" Sonic fans bitching about the latest Sonic game. Their favorite band, 99.9999999% of the time, is Crush 40, and they sing along to the songs in their rooms while fapping to Sonic's ass.
Some Sonic fans manage, by some miracle unexplained by science, to muster up enough strength to leave their basements and go out into the IRL world long enough to purchase an actual hedgehog, which does not possess super speed or abnormally high power levels. They then proceed to take the creature home, name it after one of the hedgehog characters, and sexually abuse it, like the sick fucks they are.
[edit] Typical Sonic fan videos
[edit] Pairing Videos
Almost every sonic fucktard thinks that a/several/all sonic character(s) wants to fuck them, so the shitty YouTube wouldn't be withought the pairing videos with the coolest characters evar! (Which usually is an Amy, Rouge, Sonic, Shadow, ETC recolor) Anywho, Little Fuckers need to get Flamed. People on the internets are sick of the furfag's spamming up their jewtube.
[edit] The End
When sonic learned his original cartoon career was ending, and being replaced by an even shittier one, he decided to address the kids one last time, before attempting to turn more of them into furries.
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[edit] External links
- His site
- His message-board
- The Official Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon show.
- Sonic Passion: A case study on idiots. Batshit insane fans within.
- [7] Sonic saves you from sexual deviant strangers.
- [8] He also protects you from sexual harassment. It's NO GOOD!
- Sonic hentai comics
For the lulz, hopefully, and not sick fucks. Yeah right, it's fucking Sonic "Furry in denial" CulT. - [9] Someone bothered to make a fucking Sonic Wiki. WTF.
- Sonic: Search for Love Fanfic written by some 13-year-old boy narrated for the lulz.
- Sonic: Search for Love (Chapter 1-2) The sequel. Surprise! Tails is gay!
- A fan-tard talk facts about the first game
- [10] An argument with a true sonic fan turns into lulz when someone attempts to make contact with him/her/transexual. L0rd0fD4rkness = insta-lulz
[edit] Related articles
- Miles "Tails" Prower
- Sonadowclub
- Furry
- 13-year-old boy
- deviantART
- Youtube Poop
- The Great Sonic-cide of 2007
- Bottomless pit
- Double nigger
- Aku Tojyo (see furry above)
- Sonic CulT
- Chris-chan
- Spax3
- Chasethehedgehog
- Daniellehedgehog
- Fists_The_Echidna
- Bludshot the Hedgehog
- Michael Jackson
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