Balki
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Balki Bartokomous is a god cleverly disguised as a simple sheepherder from a fictitious island called Mypos. His command of the American language is iffy at best, but since he possess superpowers, he has no need to speak intelligibly. His abilities far surpass those of mortal men, despite the fact that he lives with his Cousin Larry in Chicago. Speculation as to the true nature of their relationship ranges from gay incest to Larry just taking Balki in for the lulz.
It has been noted that Balki Bartokomous bears a striking resemblance to American actor Bronson Pinchot, but DNA tests recently conducted by Maury have proven that they share no genetic material.
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Balki's Descension to Earth
Last Thursday, Balki Bartokomous landed on Cousin Larry's doorstep unnanounced. Balki then proceeded to use his godlike superpowers to terrorize the upright citizens of /b/ on 4chan. During a marathon image dump of photos of himself and Cousin Larry making gay porn tapes, Balki explained that he had actually been fired from his position as a god for having an unnatural affection for sheep, namely Dimitri. When Anonymous told him sheep-fuckers were gross, Balki responded with, "Of course not, don't be ridiculous." This phrase became a meme IRL.
The ABC Years
After settling in to life as a permanent houseguest of Cousin Larry's, Balki started shopping his autobiography around to various television networks. All but one of them refused. ABC greenlit the project under the following conditions:
- Balki and Cousin Larry get girlfriends so people won't think they're gay.
- Cousin Larry drives a classic Ford Mustang instead of his party van.
- Balki's superpowers are only mentioned in dream sequence episodes.
- Cousin Larry must be no more than 4 feet tall.
- The show has to eventually make itself available to a spin-off series starring ABC's CEO Steve Urkel.
- The show must be enigmatically titled Perfect Strangers.
Balki consented to the terms, and Cousin Larry, after having "put on the vest" (a term used to denote a Balkian brainwashing technique), enthusiastically agreed. The show became the cornerstone of ABC's TGIF lineup. Perfect Strangers ran on the network for over 9000 years. Perfect Strangers was cancelled for no apparent reason in 1993.
Religious Themes
Many Balkian (religious) maxims were imbedded in the show's script. Writers and actors alike passed these sayings off as "catchphrases." The most famous of these is the aforementioned "Don't be ridiculous," but there were others, including, "Get out of the city," "Well [verb] me [adjective/noun] and call me [noun]," and "You really stepped in something good this time."
An important tennant of Balkianism is that everything works out for the best. Indeed, every episode of the show ended with someone, usually Cousin Larry, learning an important life lesson. These lessons were either forgotten or ignored by the start of the next episode.
The Dance of Joy, usually done by Balki and Cousin Larry to celebrate their good fortune, is a ritualistic jig. Its main purpose is to charge Balki's lazer, but since Balkism wasn't allowed to be mentioned on the show, no shoop da whoopage ever took place onscreen.
Personal Life
Not much is known about Balki's personal life, as he spent a great deal of his time as an immortal deity. After Perfect Strangers ended, he went into seclusion with Dimitri and Cousin Larry. His appearances are rare, but he has been known to post about himself on /tv/ and /b/. Balki also stopped using his superpowers outside of emergency situations. That's why humans can no longer stand tall on the wings of their dreams.
Balkiroll
The original [Balkiroll], which actually predates the [Rickroll], was used by a few Balkifags (followers of Balkism) to annoy fellow /tv/ and /b/ members. Forseeing the success of the Rickroll, Balki decided to Rickroll everyone himself 14 years before 4chan ever came into existance. Video evidence of this event can be seen [here]. As he was not willing to let it drop after his improvement upon the Rickroll, Balki enlisted the help of Cousin Larry, and they both told MC Hammer [what time it was].
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Balki is part of a series on the cancer that is killing /b/. |
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Epic Battle
Balkifags are constantly at war with lonesome loser Quettefag, seeing as both Balki and Dan Fielding shared the silver screen in the 1989 box office smash hit winner classic Second Sight. The origins of the feud are shrouded in mystery, as Balki and Dan Fielding actually managed to to tolerate each other during the course of the film. Since two complete Perfect Strangers seasons were released on DVD, the number of Balkifloods and Balki posts on /tv/ and /b/ has diminished significantly. The Quettefag, however, continues to regularly unleash John Larroquette image dumps in threads she thinks a Balkifag might read. Oddly, the majority of these threads are House-related, specifically Wilson threads and any and all discussions about shipping.
