Gyakuten Saiban

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Gyakuten Saiban is the Wapanese tongue-twister for "Ace Attorney." In this video game disguised as a novel, you troll the courtrooms as a defense attorney who has no idea what he's doing. He never bothered studying, as law books are tl;dr anyway, much like this "game."

This article needs less Fail.
You can help by getting rid of Fail.

REMOVING FAIL: ~~WildDesu~~
FAIL HAS BEEN REMOVED HAHA

The novel is rumored to be rather funny, yet nobody has the time to read it.

Bizarro Wright has be in law for long time. He is much expert!

[edit] THE OBJECTIVE OF THE STORY

TASK: Read before death.

Using a segway, you run a rat race to a goldmine of evidence before the police get there. Losing bears no penalty, as they miss everything, anyway. Harboring this evidence, you yell at the witnesses to "take" said evidence. If they don't, they'll repeat the same tired sentence until you show them something that piques their interest, where you'll infinitely get nothing but more text to read.
Once you make it to the final level, you have to scream your objections into the witness' faces. To do this, you yourself must scream into the microphone of your Game Boy DS or you'll lose the game and be doomed to sell your attorney's badge (and assistant) for cheap liquor.

[edit] THE PPLZ IN THE STORY

[edit] Penix Wright

Mr. Bigshot lawyer with his fancy new Porsche and advanced, hands-free bluetooth technology waltzes in and bribes the judge with LOTSA SPAGHETTI to quickly let his client off the hook so that he may rush home and scrub his toilet. And seeing as how the judge is a sucker for cheap law tactics, he takes your generous offer and GTFO. With a "NOT FAIL" verdict, of course.
In the later years, Phoenix becomes Ryuuichi Naruhobo after gaining over 9000 lawyer points, nearly maxing out his lawyer level.

Redd White in uniform during a spendiferous city council meeting.

[edit] Apoolo Justice

A feminine lawyer with tourettes syndrome that is twice as useless as the crippled acrobat from Justice for Nobody. Is deathly afraid of girls' panties, wears a FABULOUS bracelet and spends hours on his hair; I think we know what's going on here.

[edit] Maya Fail

A Wiccan mage who practices Ye Olde Magick and brings forth the deceased for great justice! And not Ye New Magick like Trucy Wright who steals attorneys' badges and maps. Wears the same clothes all year 'round and washes them through training under waterfalls, i.e. Phoenix's shower.

[edit] Meow Feyline

Tig ol' bitties lawyer chick. Got her name from being called "Kitten" too much by Godot.COOOOOOOOOOOBRAAAAAAAAAA. Also known as "Fat Titty Kitty." Dies by Redd White from poking her nose where it doesn't belong. As they say, "Curiosity pwnd the cat."

[edit] Redd White

Grand Cherokee of the KKK (because his name reflects the main colors on a standard issue KKK robe) and governor of California, which is why law is fucked up and there are no black people over the course of the entire series.

[edit] Pearl Fail

A loli who can travel all by herself to her home village in Egypt over a matter of minutes! Molested Last Thursday by Larry Butz, she is always trying to make up for her own mistake of getting molested in the first place by trying to get Phoenix and Maya to have sexual intercourse.

[edit] Detective Dick Cumshoe

An autistic cop who thinks everyone is his friend. Has a crush on Larry Byrd, and always wears an estrogen patch on his face to ensure he feels most feminine at all times.

[edit] Larry Butz

A raging HETEROsexual pedophile who has the hots for Pearl. What what, in the Butz??

Chief Gant means serious business.

[edit] Miles Edgeworthless

Talks like a fag and his shit's all retarded.

[edit] The Judge

An old man who kidnapped the real judge and stole his gavel for the lulz. Incidentally on trial for impersonating a real judge.

[edit] Franziska Dom Karma

A dominatrix who became a prosecutor at 13 since she had no friends. Smuggled a whip into the courtroom because, it being all leather and having no metal, she could take it through the metal detector. And when people question how she has a whip in court, they get pwned immediately. YOU DO NOT QUESTION THE WHIP.

[edit] Chief Cunt

Probably the most badass character in the whole book because he hypnotized Ema Skye into unconsciousness so he could have his way with her. (Unconscious? More liek "opporJEWnity", amirite?) He WAS at the scene of the crime before anyone else, after all. Who wouldn't?

[edit] Godot

Has over 9000 blends of coffee, and likes those coffee beans like he likes his men--black and dangling from trees. Also has a finite number of rules he uses over the course of the third novel by stating a rule, and adding, "That's one of my rules," which includes all of his fancy quotes, such as:

“	"Blacker than a moonless night, hotter and more bitter than Hell itself... that is BOILING NIGGERS."	„
—Godot

“	"If it exists, there is porn of it... no exceptions. That's one of my rules."	„
—Godot evidently invented Rule 34

[edit] OTHER USELESS PEOPLE

Here are other people in the novel that nobody really ever cares about:

Furio Tigre: Got a massive sunburn while tanning on an all-male nude beach.

Lotta Spaghetti!: The character in the first novel with RLY BIG HAIR

Neil Armstrong: A lesbian hooker who is beat on a regular daily basis for not having Tigre's money.

Marvin Grodyburger: Has AIDS in his butt, and likes to make it known.

Ema Skye: A scientologist who spent all her prostitution money on Luminol spray and fled to England to escape the feds once they found out she really DID kill prosecutor Neil Marshall.

How about a nice cup of old meme?

Ronald McDonald: You know, that funny clown in Justice for Nobody! HA! HA HA!!!

Morgan Fail: The character in the second novel with RLY BIG HAIR.

Regina Dingleberry: A typical 16-year-old girl who has to be sparkly and perty for her daily slew of myspace photos. Attracts pedobears on a regular basis.

Adrian Hero: Aspires to be an hero when Mr. Wright continuously bombards her with bullshit reasoning and brings out her emo side. A bona fide fuck-up IRL.

Lisa Bagel: Definitely ~~NOT~~ a robot.

Luke Atmeh: Look at him! There he is! The tragic clown!

Elise Doughnut: The character in the third novel with RLY BIG HAIR.

Gavier Klavin: A purple German prosecutor who secretly has the hots for everyone in the courtroom, including the judge and Apollo. Especially Apollo. Iss good to have lustuous cravings for uzza men, ja?

Kissass Klavin: The purple prosecutor's batshit insane blue brother. Also a defense attorney/criminal. There's only room in court for him.... AND THE LAW!

Lamrawr: A blind, useless foreigner with a tendency to swallow a lot. Apollo wants to have a lesbian, incestuous relationship with Lamiroir (his mother... SPOILER!) for great justice. No pun intended.

Daryan Croissant: The character in the fourth novel with RLY BIG HAIR.

Spock Brushel: "Reporter lives on, An Hero rates skyrocket," end quote.

[edit] THE FOUR RULES OF EVIDENCE LAW

In the case "Rise from the Flaccid," a number of guidelines pertaining to evidence within the courtroom arise, and make presenting evidence harder than it should be.

Evidence must be deemed relevant by the Police Department
Evidence presented must land a Critical Hit on the witness
????
PROFIT!

However, like all systems, there are loopholes. Phoenix finds these loopholes and pwns the Master Chief of Police.

[edit] IN COURT

A number of things happen while in the courtroom such as:

Infinite Testimony/Cross-Contamination: The witness on the stand testifies, and is again forced to repeat the testimony word for word until Phoenix either objects correctly or gets a "FAIL" verdict.

B&hammers: The Judge continuously smacks his epic gavel to show everyone in court who's boss. Very impressive when he does so, seeing as how it's the reason every man becomes a lawyer.

Parties: After every trial, no matter what the verdict, confetti is thrown across the courtroom and the keg is busted out for one last hurrah to the real criminal. Cocaine is often snorted, and sex is often had.

[edit] VERDICTS

It's very simple, really. Depending on how bad Phoenix is during a trial, you get a verdict of "FAIL" or "NOT FAIL."
Failing obviously sucks, and gets Phoenix fired, which is why he immediately lost his job after losing his first trial, whereas the latter is win and often looked down upon by the Prosecutor's Office. Comes with perks such as:

Going back to your regular everyday life of scrubbing toilets.
Not getting paid by your client. EVAR.
Presenting a personal piece of evidence for moar dialogue.
Paying for everyone's celebration dinner.
Not getting laid by your assistant. EVAR.

[edit] THE COURT RECORD

Phoenix has a bottomless briefcase which he (and oddly enough, everyone else) refers to as the Court Record. All the world's hopes and dreams, along with its misery and nightmares are contained within the Court Record. Not to mention whole vases and giant stuffed bears.

[edit] GALLERY

Delicious Lawyers

No moar objections

IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAWYZERS

Scientologist fourgasm

asdf

[Collapse Gallery] [Expand Gallery] 0

Godot, what's your visor say about his gay vibe levels!?	The novel has inspired several spin-off video games.	Some of them, however, suck.	And others are just fail.
	Delicious loli	Moar delicious loli	No wonder the book got good ratings
		Tits or GTFO	Delicious Yaoi
Buttsecks with dead magician = win!	We always knew it was coming	They should have censored the hair	Followed by REJECTION!
The one on the end is legal. Literally. She's a fucking lawyer.