Buttsecks

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Jump to: navigation, search

IT HURTS SO FUCKING GOOD!
aka what to do when you hook up with an ex (permission not necessary)

Protip.

Scientists have found that once a woman willingly submits to pooper lovin', it's all downhill from there. I said "downhill" because that's the proper English. I mean, how is going uphill easy? Geez people learn fking English. Once the Wild On switch is on there's no going back.

Buttsecks (German: der Büchtsechs) describes the action of one person inserting their dick inside another person's butt. To human knowledge, this feat has never been achieved without loss of life; hence, buttsecksing is often associated with necrophilia and dead rats.

Moar commonly, "buttsecks" refers to the act of anal sex, which does not kill people but instead turns them gay. Faggots regularly engage in buttsecks with each other, but straight men must remain vigilant for the ever-present threat of surprise buttsecks. You can try to pressure your girlfriend into having anal, too, but then you'll turn her gay which will result in definite anti-lulz.

Most guys who say they like to fuck girls in the ass actually are hiding the fact that they are faggots.

History of the Phrase

Anal

Pertaining to or relating to the anus.

In the general sense, it refers to sex wherein the anus is penetrated repeatedly to bring pleasure and/or orgasm.

In other usage, it can also be a pejorative meaning excessively strict or by the book. This is a foreshortening of anal retentive, one of the two anal-stage forms of Freudian psychosexual functional fixedness. According to Freud, anal retentives derive their primary physical pleasure from holding back bowel movements and are commonly associated with overly neat, organized, controlling, or rigidly structured personalities. What's ironic about the use of "anal" in the pejorative sense is that it could just as easily apply to the other functional fixedness, anal expulsive. Anal expulsives are said to derive pleasure from the act of defecating and are characterized by disorganized, haphazard, messy, and intuitive personalities.

Example of the sexual sense: Last night, we had anal sex, meaning, Last night, he put his penis into my anus.

Example of the pejorative sense: He was incredibly anal about making sure we used condoms, meaning, He was incredibly insistent that we use condoms.

Sex

What two people do when they are actually in the same room as each other. Please note this very rarely happens on the internets, as most of us are afraid to venture out into the real world. For more information, see article on sex.

Timeline of Anal Sex

2039 BC - The Greeks discover anal sex. General consensus relegates it to the province of cheating husbands and impressionable young boys. (Note: "relegate" might not be the correct word, as these two demographic groups held most of the political power in ancient Greece.)

50 AD - The catholic church church discovers how to avoid gods wrath

It is a little known fact that kittens love sodomy

Some footage of lesbian buttsecks.

1809 - Humphry Davy, an English fag, performs modern anal sex for the first time. Davy connected two wires to a battery and attached a charcoal strip between his butt cheeks. The charged carbon glowed, creating the first illuminated prostate.

1820 - Warren De la Rue enclosed a platinum coil in an evacuated sphincter and passed an electric current through it. His dildo design worked but the cost of the precious metal platinum made this an impossible invention for wide-spread (ha ha, get it) use.

1835 - James Bowman Lindsay demonstrated constant insertion of dicks to anuses using a prototype lightbulb.

1850 - Edward Shepard invented a way to get fucked in the ass using a charcoal filament. Joseph Wilson Swan started working with carbonized paper filaments the same year.

1854 - Henricg Globel, a German watchmaker, loses his watch in some guy's ass.

1875 - Herman Sprengel invented the mercury vacuum pump, making it possible maintain an erection inside an ass for long periods of time.

1875 - Henry Woodward and Matthew Evans are the first people to simultaneously penetrate a third man's ass.

1878 - Sir Joseph Wilson Swan (1828-1914), an English physicist, was the first person to convince his girlfriend to take it in the pooper. All prior men resorted to the oops technique.

1879 - Thomas Alva Edison invented a carbon filament that burned in his anal wall for forty hours. He continued to improved his invention until it could last for over 1,200 hours using a bamboo-derived ointment.

1906 - The General Electric Company were the first to patent a method of having anal sex.

The probability of a girl taking it in the ass in the first date, explained in a nice graph.

1925 - Anal sex discovered to lower pregnancy rates.

1945 - Adolf Hitler discovers that chugging cyanide and shooting himself in the ass is quite invigorating, even if you die later. This is considered the beginning of comedy anal sex.

1984 - Doctor Emmett Brown discovers "Space-age" anal sex by vigorously rubbing a flux capacitor between his butt cheeks at 88mph while Marty McFly masturbates near his face and whips him.

1991 - Philips invented a way to ram one's ass for 60,000 hours. This is the anal sex we know today.

1994 - Richard Simmons discovers "the hamster technique" and then is rushed to the hospital.

1996 Spacemoose declared, "It doesn't hurt, it's just like taking a big dump"

2001 JEWZ butt rape the fine establishment of America which resulted in major butthurt for both bible bashers and filthy sand dwelling a-rags.

2003 Tony Eveready accomplishes "nuts in da ass, dick in da pussy," and then proclaims "BOOYA"

2005 Erica engages in anal sex and loves it! She then follows this with some Ass to Mouth. 2007 Chuck Norris ButtRapes a Bear after Being challenged over a peice of salmon "MAXIMUM MAN POINTS!!"

~~Last Thursday~~ ~~- Somewhere, somehow, a hammer ended up somewhere that it shouldn't be.~~ Fuck you and your gay memes

Technique

Use lubricant
stretch your ass
insert cock in the ass
Brag about it on-line
- Say "Mmmmm... Buttsex" as some Atlanta LJ users do. This post will normally get several dozen responses before being deleted.
????
PROFIT!

Variations

The Drink

"Buttsex" is also a coffee based shooter.

Ingredients:

2 oz strong and black Coffee or espresso
1 oz Vodka
1 oz Triple sec
1/3 oz Lemon (or lime) juice

Mixing instructions: Start with the coffee, preferably espresso. Add in the vodka, triple sec and lemon juice and stir. Top with whipped cream.

Lube

People will use anything to lubricate the anal orifice before penetration. ED IRC deemed that

<@Sheneequa> vaseline was used for buttsecks in the 20's
<@NeoLobster> eppigy: according to gay mailing lists, the best lube for anal, next to cum, is a mixture of crisco shortening and astroglide
<That_one_guy13) mayo was used by a girl who had called my doctors office, she didn't clean it out and somehow found herself getting orgasms constantly. Sure enough maggots had hatched 73 hours later, keep away from the food items!

After-effects

There are many after-effects to anal sex, most of which are pleasurable. It is sex, you know. Sex is good.

However, some theorize that anal sex is much like spinach, in that if it's forced on you as a small child you will have a hard time enjoying it later in life.

However, if a young girl lets too many men with big cocks fuck out her anus, she can get permanently loosened out back there. This can be used to positive effect for scat porn, as shit will invariably just slip out. When she is forced to purchase Depends for her affliction, she will be widely regarded as a cheap slut (which results in much lulz), while the men who are responsible for her anal stretchery will be considered studs.

Butt-hurt

How you feel after a nice long session of dry anal rape. Your ass is pwned. On-line, the term is used metaphorically as a complete mockery to someone whining. It's also a preemptive put down when delivering harsh comments to someone you expect will lash back.

The Aftermath. This anus has been permanently loosened out, and would be worth $3 to $5 in a whorehouse.

It is also a refreshing alternative to other beverages

Felching

When the woman's partner takes his cock and cums in the ass and jizzes in it and sucks it back out.

Cumfart

After one cums in their partners ass, their partner proceeds to fart. This usually ends up causing a bit of a splatter, and sometimes a neat sound effect.

Pregnancy

It is possible to become pregnant through buttsecks. Unlike in normal pregnancies, the fetus is gestated in the bowel rather than the womb, where it feasts on shit for the nine months leading up to it's "birth," a horrifying event in which the spawn is, in an instant, propelled out of the host's colon in a volcanic display of flame, entrails, and shit. This event is known as a Rectal Womb Explosion. The shit often seeps through the underdeveloped skin, giving the skin a shittish color, and this factor of bowel children is suggested as the possible cause of niggers. Ass children are proven to be the origin of Down Syndrome, Democrats, Republicans, miscarriage, and Mic_Gooflander. (Notable anal pregnancy births are Lindsay Lohan, David Hasselhoff, Ron Jeremy)

Anal Sex and Drama

un_popular once got herself into a lot of Ljdrama after writing about letting her boyfriend put it in the ass. See LJdrama article #516.

Demonstrations

Always a first-date question. No exceptions.

		High speed net connection

			o rly?
Lol wut?
Getting to first base. Preparation is the key	Cumming in the ass might result in an egg yolk effect.	from which movie is this picture? send your answer to: tasoku@hotmail.com for the lulz.
4chan buttsecks		Claudia Thorn getting assfucked by a guy whose name she doesn't know because she's a whore.

Miscellanea

It is a well-know fact that Lindsay Lohan loves sodomy.	Uncontrollable rectal spasming may occur.	Lol. Bugsex buttsex!	Zangief from Street Fighter II performing anal sex.
lol bubba has been penetrated	Space Moose declares buttsecks is like taking a big dump	Anal rape is a growing industry	Buttsecks is only gay if you cuddle afterward.
HE WANTS MOAR!	Dorian Thorn enjoys buttsecks with cucumbers...	...and bananas...	...and cocks, because he is a faggot with aids.
Damn straight