C

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

C is a nerd language which is, like, totally ghey. It's low-level and has those stupid pointers. It was superseded by Java at least 100 years ago and is virtually extinct today. The only actively developed code using C today is the Linux kernel and the Yahoo! search engine, both of whose user count do not exceed 16, combined.

C code often ends up looking like the output of figlet(6). This is to be expected from a language that has three different uses for '*' depending on context.

C is for cookie, thats good enough for me.

Contents 1 Examples of Normal C Code: 2 Obfuscation 3 Trolling Techniques 4 How to Win 5 Successors

Examples of Normal C Code:

#include <stdio.h>
#define PO(o,t)\
(((o>64)&&(o<91))?(((t>96)&&(t<123))?(t-32):(t)):(((t>64)&&(t<91))?(t+32):(t)))  

      void main() {                                       char *poo= "poot",
      *Poo="pootpoot"      ,O[9];int      o,t,T,p;(t=p   =0)||(*O='\0');while
      ((o=       getc(   stdin   ))!=(   EOF))if  ((p==   0)&& (((o>64 )&& (
      o<91       )) ||   ((o>     96 )   &&(o<     123)        ))) (
      t!=8       )&&(O   [t]=     o)&&   (O[++     t] =        '\0')
      ;else {if (t>7)    {for     (T =   0 ; T     <=7;        T++ )
      printf("%c",       PO(*(   O+T),   *(Poo+   T)));       printf
      ("%c",              o);}else if     (t>3){for (T        =0;T<=
      3;T++)                                                  printf
      ("%c",                                                  PO(*(O
      +T),*(                                                  poo+T)

) ) ; printf( "%c" , o ) ; } else  printf ( "%s%c" , O , o )  ; ( t =  0 ) || (
* O =  '\0' ) ; ( o == 60 ) && ( ++p ) ; ( o == 62 ) && (p!=0) && ( --p ) ; } }

#include <stdio.h>
int main(int c,char**v) {
       char *s="B+p:ubYBGG0,|M3B=1*0N\n"
               "it's touring complete\n",*k[]={s+21,--s};
       return c?({while(main(!k,k))putchar(**k^*k[1]-10);0;}):(v[1]++,*++*v);
}

Obfuscation

Every year in The International de-Obfuscated C Code Contest sadistic C programmers spend hours deciphering normal C (as shown above) into code which, although performing exactly the same function, is easily understood by script-kiddies that use type-safe languages like Java, which were designed to allow idiots to be able to write computer programs, despite the mental disability which makes them unable to read or write C.

 /* dlowe.c: (public domain) 1998 David Lowe <david pootpoot com>              */
 /* de-obfuscation: (public domain) 2006 Tom Vajzovic <vizaviza yahoo co uk >  */
   
 #include <stdlib.h>
 #include <stdio.h>
 #include <ctype.h>
 
 #define   SWITCH_CASE(o,t)    ( isupper(o) ? toupper(t) : tolower(t) )
 
 int main( void ){
 
   char         *nonsense_short = "poot"      ;
   char         *nonsense_long  = "pootpoot"  ;
   char          buffer[9]      = ""          ;
 
   unsigned int  buffer_pos     = 0           ;
   unsigned int  chevron_depth  = 0           ;
   unsigned int  i                            ;
 
   int           next_char                    ;
 
   while(1){
     next_char= fgetc( stdin );
 
     if( EOF == next_char )
       exit( EXIT_SUCCESS );
 
     if( !chevron_depth && isalpha( next_char ) ){
 
       if( 8 != buffer_pos ){
         buffer[ buffer_pos ]= next_char;
 
         if( next_char ){
           ++buffer_pos;
           buffer[ buffer_pos ]= 0;
         }
       }
     }
     else {
       if( buffer_pos > 7 ){
 
         for(i = 0; i < 8; ++i)
           fputc( SWITCH_CASE( buffer[i], nonsense_long[i] ), stdout );
 
         fputc( next_char, stdout );
       }
       else if( buffer_pos > 3 ){
 
         for(i= 0; i < 4; ++i)
           fputc( SWITCH_CASE( buffer[i], nonsense_short[i] ), stdout );
 
         fputc( next_char, stdout );
       }
       else {
         fputs( buffer, stdout );
         fputc( next_char, stdout );
       }
 
       buffer_pos= 0;
       *buffer= 0;
 
       if( '<' == next_char )
         ++chevron_depth;
 
       if( '>' == next_char && chevron_depth )
         --chevron_depth;
     }
   }
 }

See? Much easier to read. Right?

Trolling Techniques

C programmers are butthurt over several issues that it is easy to start flame wars over:

• Vi/Vim versus emacs
• Indentation and bracketing style
• Choice of compiler or IDE

How to Win

1. Get a C compiler.
2. Create a new text file, change its type to ".c".
3. Type in:

   void main() 
   {
       int *p;
       p = 0;
       *p = 0;
   }

4. Compile it.
5. Execute it.
6. ????
7. Profit!!!

Successors

Microsoft decided to merge C++ efficiency and combine it with mistakes of java and create their own proprietary language. Since it's just a bastardized version of C++ and java they just decided to cock dock mangle the '++' in c++ and came out with C# (pronunciation: "See Hash-or-pound-sign-depending-on-if-you-are-a-limey-or-a-septic"). This is to confuse script kiddies to think C# isn't a shit language like Visual Basics. C# is basically VB.NET with curly braces and is intended as a means to impress potential employers who are well informed about programming languages. Microsoft then went on to produce J# (pronunciation: "G'zhey Hash-or-pound-sign-depending-on-if-you-are-a-limey-or-a-septic") which was also intended as a competitor to Java, thereby rendering C# useless and irrelevant to everyone.