Java

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Warning!: Anybody who codes in java is either trolling or terminally retarded(eventually they are forced to it by teachers who are either trolling or terminally retarded, usually the latter)

A piece of shit programming language/compiler/virtual machine/security system/lifestyle choice/pedagogical monoculture/floor wax/dessert topping/fandom/Community invented by some Canadian faggot at Sun Microsystems.

It is notable (along with Flash) for being one of the few technologies that allows Alan Turing to pwn your browser.

Java is a direct descendant of AIDS, and as such, programming in it drives most hackers permanently insane. Evidence of this can easily be obtained by attempting to comprehend the content of this website.

Java is like C for people who are too pussy to do real programming. Instead of creating actual fucking programs anyone can run on any computer, one must have a separate interpreter installed on their computer in order to run the bytecode, which is what Java calls code that's been "compiled". Unfortunately, since no one has installed this since Flash came out, no one will be able to use your user-programmable Pokedex (only 500MB!)

Java GUI applications are dogshit slow to load and run, and never feel right. To deflect criticism and hide this shittiness from decent, honest folk who are just trying to get some work done quickly, Java developers:

• use splash screens to mask the load time (they call this a "time warp.")
• use external, non-Java splash screen software when even the previous item fails at fooling the user
• blame the Virtual Machine vendor
• blame the user for not fiddling with his Virtual Machine settings
• blame the user for not already having the JVM cached in memory. "What are you, a fucking retard?"
• use third-party toolkits
• fool you with bullshit millisecond measurements. "Who are you going to believe, me, or your lying eyes?"

Javascript

Javascript is not Java. Java is a programming language that if it uses a version made in the last ten years, the user has to download a 110 megabyte update file (compared to the 70 meg download for Microsoft's .NET Framework. A worthy investment for those not on connection speeds of the past to experience applications that aren't made of utter facepalm-worthy fail). Java runs in a sandbox and unless the applet is signed, it can't even access your clipboard.

JavaScript is a scripting language built into all browsers, even cell phones. JavaScript, while meant to improve webpages, is used by bad web designers to ruin them. The worse you are at javascript, the more likely you are to be hired by a big company to design their webpage. If you make simple links so they won't work unless javascript is enabled, then you fail at web design and if you can make sure those links that only work in javascript go to mostly broken links then you're guaranteed to be the web designer for a large corporation's website. Javascript code can also be saved as a .js file and run not in your browser (see 4chan.js).

Examples of Javascript hacking your computer

• Javascript controlling your right mouse button saying "Don't steal my images," when you really just wanted to open a link in a new window tab. Those sites deserve all their images stolen. (PROTIP: Use Firefurry's Page Info tool and save the cached image Turn off javascript, dumbass; Anarchists - 1, Javascript - 0).
• The same for javascript that controls your keyboard (like control, alt, etc. keys).
• Popup windows, especially javabombs
• Sites that require javascript for use. They're only doing it so they can hack you.
• Javascript constantly being confused with Java, including in this article.

Since Java is the all-ruling and most powerful language in the universe one might think that it is easy to learn. He would be right. Any half assed moron can learn how to do it. However that can only come along when a teacher can learn them. This is not the case in Computer science. One must be an expert in Mandarin and a wizard of the third level to even know what the hell they mean when talking about computers. Anyways, Java is not just creating something from scratch. its just an intricate copy and paste program.

External links

What Java is really about