PHP

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

PHP is a programming language created by hippies for use by 13 year old boys who only have foreknowledge of Microsoft Visual Basic and think they are experts in all things. Used mainly for CGI applications, PHP combines the extreme shittiness of Perl and C, without including any of their positive features such as its code looking like line noise, which perl code does. It is a santorum of procedural and object-orientated form that transcends any insults you might (and will) want to throw at it. Whenever someone mentions PHP, remember to mention that it lacks namespaces and they are a liberal for using it.

PHP is often coupled with MySQL, Linux, and Apache creating the heralded LAMP architecture. The only thing this LAMP sheds light on is the wonderful crap that people love to pawn off on others because "Its free!!!" However, the internet would not be the wonderfully exasperating and completely maddening place it is today without these wonderful (non)technologies!

However, since Encyclopedia Dramatica runs on PHP, we love it.

Contents 1 PHP's Legacy 2 PHP DID WTC 2.1 Chat log 3 PHP Code 3.1 Related Links

PHP's Legacy

PHP is well known to be one of the most slow, most buggy, and most full of security flaws of the programming languages. Php.net says their lead developer Pierre-Alain Joye works to fix PHP, but a look at the bug report logs finds that he uses PHP on Windows and whenever anyone reports bugs from a Linux operating system, he flags the bug as "bogus".

Have you ever wondered why shared web hosts running Linux don't like to update their PHP versions for years? Are they just that lazy? Each PHP version is missing half its extensions and has a whole lot of new bugs and when someone on Windows reports this, Pierre-Alain Joye runs right out and does a fix, updating the website, and when it happens on Linux, the bug is flagged as bogus.

PHP DID WTC

Last Thursday it was discovered that the people over at php.net hate the Jews.

Chat log

Adam39 trolling Rasmus (founder of php or some such faggotry):

* Now talking in #php.pecl
* Topic is 'babylonians of the world uníte!'
* Set by andrei!~andrei@borndress-lm.corp.yahoo.com on Thu Aug 03 13:27:07
* Chocula has quit IRC (Chocula)
<adam39> hi my name is adam, i am a writer for the Canadian Jewish News (a subdivision of the CJC
 www.cjc.ca)
<adam39> anyone would like to comment on the Jani Taskinen 'incident'
<adam39> ?
<adam39> i am writing an article on the subject
<adam39> and i would like to hear the 'other side' of the story
<adam39> tried contacting mr Taskinen but i was not able to reach him and he didnt answered my 
email, yet
<andrei> adam39, no comment
<adam39> PHP official statement is 'no comment' ?
<andrei> you can treat as official as you want. i'm just saying, no comment.
<adam39> ok good
<adam39> i will name you as the source of the 'no comment' ok ?
<adam39> hello ?
<andrei> sure, as long as you realize that we don't have an official spokesperson
<andrei> i wouldn't want to give an impression that i speak for the group
<adam39> i dont really want official spokeperson
<andrei> fair enough
<andrei> then you have my answer :)
<adam39> just want to get some input from others php dev
<andrei> good luck
<andrei> i'm out
<adam39> bye bye
* andrei has quit IRC (This computer has gone to sleep)
<adam39> anyone else would like to comment ?
<adam39> article should be out tommorow morning
<adam39> will be published in about 3 canadian national newspapers
<adam39> as well as a few CJN websites
* arjenAU has no idea what this is about
<adam39> what is the general feeling about the situation in the middle east ?
<adam39> do you guys believe that israel have gone 'too far' ?
* arjenAU ponders relevance
<arjenAU> (to PHP)
<adam39> well one of the core php-dev expressed virulent anti-semitic behavior on a public forum
<adam39> this is where the relevance is
<philip__> this is not a public forum 
<adam39> comments were made public on slashdot this morning
<adam39> http://developers.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=192445&threshold=-1&commentsort=0&mode=thread&pid=0
<adam39> talking about nuking 'the jews'
<adam39> and expressing support for terrorist
<arjenAU> if it was here, then it's not a public forum. this is a private, invite only irc channel. and 
everyone speaks for themselves. it would be appropriate to ask the originator of any comments 
directly, and not cast the net any wider.
<adam39> also talking about killing israel official
<adam39> i already contacter the Taskinen as i said
<adam39> i would just like to know how others php-dev feel about that
<adam39> and if they also have similar sentiments toward jews in general
<arjenAU> I appreciate your asking, however that's a bit of a trick question ;-)
<adam39> how come
<philip__> this is being blown out of proportion
<adam39> explain philip__
<arjenAU> let me state this. I am not a PHP dev, I am merely an invited guest here. I am also jewish. 
I do know many of the people here personally, including jani. I respect them all for their great work
 for the PHP project. What they do privately is their own business. Personally, I do not agree with either 
the Israeli actions or those of others in the region; it's a bloody mess.
<adam39> noted
<adam39> thanks for your input
<arjenAU> and no you may not quote me in the context of this incident.
<arjenAU> I feel that that would be unnecesarily incendiary.
<arjenAU> there is no sensible discussion possible either way. it just polarises more, which is actually
 the fundamental problem. your article will not help.
<adam39> well since you have not identified yourself
<adam39> i could actually quote that
<g0pz> quit the politics man, this is the internet ... 
<g0pz> where anyone can say anything and anywhere 
<arjenAU> adam39: indeed. I know the rules. you must also realise that if you move around Internet,
 you have to play by its rules and understand how it works. otherwise things look really funny.
<adam39> well its getting political when someone make statement about 'nuking jews'
<arjenAU> considering your readers will NOT be aware of those rules, this becomes particularly
 important
<philip__> adam39: it was said in private, you don't know what he meant by it
<adam39> my goal is not to shed more dark light on the php project... this already dark enough
<arjenAU> adam39: would the same apply if anyone said anything about nuking anything else?
<jome> dark enough?
<adam39> well i really fail to see different meaning of 'nuking the jews'
* Chocula has quit IRC (Chocula)
<arjenAU> adam39: that's not what I asked.
<adam39> i am speaking about mr Taskinen comments jome
<philip__> private comments
<arjenAU> sure. and I'm asking if the issue would be differnet if anyone else said something about 
others.
<adam39> arjenAU are you trying to tell me that you feel there is double standard with israel in regard
 to the media ?
<arjenAU> adam39: no. I usually mean exactly what I say, so no need to search for inference.
<adam39> noted
<arjenAU> and please note again, just for perspective, that I am jewish. however, I don't feel attacked
 every time someone says 
something.
<philip__> i like this note: http://developers.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=192445&cid=15800804
<arjenAU> I get upset when nasty things happen around the world, involving any human.
<adam39> well you know (and understand why i am sure) that the jewish population (in general) is
 particulary sensitive to comments 
about extermination and genocide of is people
<arjenAU> my family and I are well aware of history. but it would be wrong to jump on individual
 issues, as it distracts from the bigger 
picture. every human is important and equal in this respect.
<adam39> the organisation i am working for (the CJC) is directly concerned when comments like
 this are being made
<arjenAU> in context, anyone attacking anyone is of concern. if any action or statement has the
 word "jew" in it, that doe snot make it any more or less important.
<adam39> and since we have members in the corporate world that provide direct funding to
 various php project
<adam39> it is my duty to make information know to the public in general
<arjenAU> and so we polarise further rather than adressing the issue.
<arjenAU> have a nice day.
<adam39> thanks for your comments arjenAU
<adam39> i appreciate
<adam39> i really do
<philip__> PHP is made up of individuals each of whom have their own opinions with their own
 circumstances... taking anything from a private irc log, and out of context, is poor judgement
<arjenAU> yea.
<adam39> understand philip__, but so far all i got was negative comments toward israel from
 all php 'official' that i contacted
<arjenAU> makes for juicy news though.
<adam39> wich is really strange considering the fact that about the 1/2 of them are jewish ...
<adam39> it seem to be a pattern
<arjenAU> adam39: likewise, you will find most sensible americans not liking bush. would that be
 a surprise?
<adam39> arjenAU, at the time it was, and as you know the media have covered the issue in deep
<arjenAU> in that context, one must distinguish a nation's politics from its people, and also a 
 group of people from a particular nation.
<adam39> but a group of people is considered of individual
<adam39> and if 100% of those people harbor anti-semitic views
<arjenAU> if I dislike israeli politics or a particular aspect on it, this has no bearing on my feelings
 for individual israelis, or jews in 
general.
<adam39> what can be said about the group ?
<adam39> its like saying the nazi were ok, just a couple of them were bad
<arjenAU> adam39: are you saying that saying somehting negative about israel equates to 
 anti-semitic views?
<adam39> anyway i dont really have time to discuss this
<arjenAU> please do answer this
<adam39> not against israel, against jews
<arjenAU> you just said some ppl said smth about israel. not jews in general.
<adam39> 2 other core php-dev said and i quote 'i agree with him' about the 'nuke israel' comments
<arjenAU> so I don't see where you get your conclusion on antisimitism.
<adam39> wishing to nuke 'the jews' = antisemitism
<arjenAU> israel != jews
<arjenAU> israel is a nation state, a political concept.
<arjenAU> if one says "nuke DC", then they refer to the concept, not the people.
<arjenAU> it would be very uneducated to infer anything else. but again, I'll grant you it makes
 for juicy news.
<adam39> so are you saying that the comments made by mr Taskinen were not anti-semie ?
<adam39> anti-semite pardon me
<arjenAU> I don't know, I haven't read them. I was merely questioning your inferring other's comments
 in the context you were aiming for.
<adam39> as a jew, do you consider it normal when someone say he want to 'nuke israel'
<adam39> and also when someone say 'Fuck you jews.' it is anti-semitic by all standard
<arjenAU> as a human, I might have an opinion on either. yes. being a jew does not make a
 difference there.
<philip__> go to war, see friends killed, and let's hear what comes from your mouth in this heat
 of the moment
<adam39> so far i what i see is that the php team in general, refuse to condone mr Taskinen
 comments and some are agreeing with him
<adam39> and this is troubling in my humble opinion
<arjenAU> the prob with you asking me this is that any answer is polarising for your story. so I will
 not comment in that way
<jome> heh, godwins law!
<adam39> philip__, being raised in israel, do you really believe that i didnt see what war is like ?
<adam39> trust me, i did
<adam39> anyway guys, thanks alot for your input
* Chocula has joined #php.pecl
<philip__> i just sense the article you're going to write will be inaccurate and cause even more
 problems for our world, not solve any
* Cap`nPECL sets mode: +o Chocula
<jome> adam39: let's for the moment assume that you had a good friend of yours killed by the
 country x populated by the group y, would you then - upset and possibly drunk - in a private forum
 say that you wanted to nuke the country x and the group y?
<adam39> philipp__ article dont solve any problems
<arjenAU> what a negative view of journalism and its influence.
<arjenAU> one would hope for higher aspirations.
<adam39> and i will only state fact
<jome> adam39: will you answer my question?
<adam39> the fact i have so far are the following: anti-semitic comments being made, associate
 refusing to condone, some denying, some agreeing with them
<adam39> also a fact is that there is many jewish person in the php-team
<adam39> wich is rather troubling
<adam39> jome: i dont see the point of your question
<jome> adam39: it's a very important one
<adam39> for who ?
<jome> for you.
<adam39> i would never wish genocide to any group
<jome> adam39: the follow-up question would be: do you think it's fair to write an article about
 whatever someone said you allegedly said (preferably taken out of context) blowing it up in
 newspapers?
* Rasmus has joined #php.pecl
<jome> adam39: i'm merely asking you if it is possible that you could've said something like that
 in the heat of the moment.
* Cap`nPECL sets mode: +o Rasmus
<adam39> jome , also remember that mr Taskinen is UN, who already served in Lebanon
<adam39> jome, first i dont drink, so i could not have been drunk
<jome> adam39: well, let's say you were.
<adam39> second, as i said no, even in the worst moment i would never wish genocide to any
 group of people
<philip__> a nuke is a weapon, not genocide 
<adam39> only a troubled individual would do that
<jome> adam39: you don't see my point at all, do you?
<adam39> why dont you just state your point
<adam39> instead of trying to do methaphor
<arjenAU> adam39: you appear to have an incorrect definition of "condone"
<arjenAU> adam39: opposite to its actual meaning. feel free to look it up at dictionary.com
<adam39> here is what on of the main php-dev told me
<arjenAU> "refusing to condone" is a very odd thing to say
<adam39> "If killing innocent civilians in Gaza and Lebanon is legitimate for Israel, then killing
 innocent jews is legitimate for everyone else." 
<adam39> do you agree with that comment ?
<Rasmus> which php-dev are you talking about?
<jome> adam39: my point is that perhaps someone might say something they don't really mean
 because of say stress, or if they're being upset.
<Rasmus> nobody in the core development group has made any comments relating to this as far
 as I know
<arjenAU> killing anyone is not good. regardless of cultural/regligious heritage, innocence (what's
 that anyway), or whatever.
<adam39> a well know one, he refused me the right to directly quote him
<Rasmus> Well, I know all of them, and I'd be extremely surprised if anybody would say anything
 like that
<adam39> i would be interested knowing your position on this mr Lerdorf
<adam39> any official comment
<Rasmus> I have absolutely no position on any of this.  We don't take political positions.
<adam39> can i call you tommorow morning for interview ?
<Rasmus> Nope
<adam39> so you are refusing to comment on the issue, is that correct ?
<Rasmus> We develop software
<Rasmus> Sure
<adam39> are you also saying that you were not aware of widespread anti-semitic sentiment
 in the php team 
* jome giggles
<Rasmus> You have got to be kidding.
<jome> 'anti-semitic sentiment in the php team'
<Rasmus> You are basing all this from a single person.  We have 1100 people working on PHP
<adam39> more than half of the dev i contacted yes
<Rasmus> You contacted half of the core php group?
<adam39> and its not just one, i have been sending mail all day
<adam39> nah i did not contact the whole team, but a couple dozens i would say
<adam39> a good baseline in my hunble opinion
<Rasmus> Well, you are completely offbase.
<Rasmus> heck, a good number of them are Jewish
<adam39> this is what i find the most troubling yes
<Rasmus> anti-semitic Jews really should trouble you and make you question your methods.
<adam39> i will quote this in my article
<adam39> good point
<adam39> what are your personal feelings about the situation in the middle east ?
* arjenAU sees another twist
<adam39> and how did you feel when you heard about Taskinen comments regarding jews ?
<Rasmus> So, once again, this is all about 1 person out of 1100
<Rasmus> Please make sure you make that clear as well.
<adam39> no, but since you are the founder i would like your personal opinion on this
<Rasmus> I think it was an unfortunate emotional comment from someone deeply affected by the
 situation personally.
<adam39> article is going to be published in 3 major canadian newspapers as well as a few CJN
 affiliated websites, believe me i want it to be clear
<Rasmus> And it has absolutely nothing to do with the PHP project.
<Rasmus> Trying to connect the two is absurd.
<adam39> i really appreciate your comments
<adam39> i really do
<Rasmus> Well, I don't really appreciate your methods.  Can I have your name, affiliation and contact
 info for your boss please?
<adam39> but you might be interested to know that (from what i can see) a large part of php-dev
 team harbor anti-semitic views
<adam39> of course Rasmus
<adam39> want to talk by phone ?
<Rasmus> Nope.  Just want to pass it on to the lawyers.
<Rasmus> And give them the heads up
<adam39> jewish layers ?
<adam39> hehehe
<Rasmus> And no, I don't give you permission to quote me in any way.
<adam39> well since you are a public figure
<adam39> i dont need your permission actually
<Rasmus> in a private and completely inappropriate forum for this stuff.
<adam39> i offered you to talk by phone Lerdorf
<jome> adam39: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Journalistic_integrity
<Rasmus> Any interview requests has to go through PR first
<adam39> if you want contact info, go to the CJC website everything is there
<arjenAU> adam39: I think it would be appropriate for you to give your full contact details including
 that of your editor, here. not refer to a general site thing. would be incomplete.
<adam39> e
<adam39> everything is on the site for your information
<Rasmus> but who are you?
<adam39> i will try to contact you tommorow morning to discuss it
<Rasmus> There is no Adam listed
<adam39> my name is ADAM GRACHNIK
<Rasmus> not listed on the Staff page
<adam39> i am external contributor
<adam39> ask them, i am well know over here
<adam39> also work for 'le devoir' 'journal de montreal' 'ottawa tribute' amongs others
<adam39> contact the CJN directly if you have any comments
<adam39> http://www.cjnews.com/
<adam39> i will personally contact you tommorow morning
<Rasmus> There is no Adam listed
<adam39> my name is ADAM GRACHNIK
<Rasmus> not listed on the Staff page
<adam39> i am external contributor
<adam39> ask them, i am well know over here
<adam39> also work for 'le devoir' 'journal de montreal' 'ottawa tribute' amongs others
<adam39> contact the CJN directly if you have any comments
<adam39> http://www.cjnews.com/
<adam39> i will personally contact you tommorow morning
<adam39> thanks for the help
<adam39> i really appreciate your comments
21:34 <@ifw> I know a little about php. it's like html but fancier.

PHP Code

What follows is some basic PHP code writen by a fucktard 13 year old script kiddie. (Please note, because php is shit You have to be L33T to frequent the #php channel on quakenet - See IRC)

<php

$age = 10;
if($E_PenisLength > $ActualPenisLength) 
{
	$handle=fopen("Puberty.txt","rb"); 
	$puberty=fread(filesize("Puberty,.txt"),$handle);
       
	if($coder == "A preteen myspace fanboy" && $puberty != "The Next Billion Years")
	{
		echo "gay";
	}
}

?>

<?PHP
$r = rand(0,4);
if ($r==0) {header("Location:http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/d/db/Lemonparty.jpg");}
if ($r==1) {header("Location:http://www.hai2u.com/HotBlowjob.jpg");}
if ($r==2) {header("Location:http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/5/5d/Hello.jpg");}
if ($r==3) {header("Location:http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/9/98/Tubgirl.jpg");}
if ($r==4) {header("Location:http://www.meatspin.com/");}
?>

Save as 'saferedirect.php', or some other innocent name, upload to Linux server, link to friends, making sure to add a ?url=[innocent url] to the end.

Related Links

• http://developers.slashdot.org/developers/06/07/28/0552240.shtml
• http://developers.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=192445&cid=15797829
• http://lerdorf.com/rl.jpg - Picture of Rasmus Lerdorf