Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| STOP. You have violated the law! Pay the court a fine or serve your sentence. Your stolen goods are now forfeit. |
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is yet another in the neverending line of rehashed RPGs about magic, swords, elves, and other typical fantasy faggotry. Although Oblivion is touted as an "Ackshin RPG", it can be more accurately described as a single-player MMO due to the high amounts of grind and the hundreds of hours it will suck away from you pathetic existence.
The game has received a fair amount of praise from the gaming community (a.k.a. "Virginville"), despite the fact that it's really just Morrowind with prettier grafix and half the scenery, abilities, weapons, and fun chopped out.
Contents |
[edit] The Game
[edit] Platforms
Oblivion is available on three platforms, with each version sucking in its own way:
PC: First off, the system requirements for Oblivion will likely rape your computer in its mechanical ass, so unless you're a hardcore nerd with a serious gaming rig, you'd better just step the fuck off you fucking consolefag. The PC version has a few noted benefits over the console versions, one being that it's much easier to h4x and cheat your way to success. Also, you can actually fucking move and place objects without going insane. However, the biggest advantage of the PC version is the ability to download mods. Mods can grant you access to an array of new things such as missions, armor, weapons, and - most importantly - nudity.
Xbox 360: If your PC happens to fail it in the performance department, the 360 version is the next logical choice. Features of the 360 version include a $60 price tag, then another $50 to download all of the expansion material before your console Red Rings on you and you're forced to wait for Micro$oft to take their sweet-ass time fixing it as you cry yourself to sleep at night. Also, it's perhaps even moar buggy than the PC version, if that's possible.
PS3: If you're a Sonyfag then you'll likely be picking up this version of the game, which in most regards, is completely identical to the Shitbox 360 version. The difference is that you get most of the downloadable content pre-included for no extra cost. HA! SUCK ON THAT, BILL GATES! You can buy the Shivering Isles expansion for 40bux.
[edit] Plot
Your character has no backstory and starts off alone in a prison for unknown reasons, until the Emperor (voiced by Captain Picard - srsly) breaks in and tells you that you're the Chosen One from his dream or something. After that, your character sneaks out of his/her cell and kills some rats before meeting up with the Emperor again. The Emperor is then assassinated, but before he dies, he tells you that you must take a magical amulet to some guy, find the Emperor's long-lost son, and save the world from certain destruction. With the help of the Emperor's guards, your character escapes from the sewers and steps out into the world to start the epic adventure. At this point, the story abruptly ends, because you soon realize that it's simply more fun to run around raping and pillaging than to actually follow through with the shitty, unoriginal storyline. However, there are still moar than enough side quests to keep you happy a willing slave to the game for thousands of hours.
[edit] Gameplay
As Oblivion is an action RPG, there is none of that pansy-ass turn-based combat bullshit to get in your way. The turn-based faggotry is replaced with real time faggotry, where you attack by hitting a button over and over, occasionally stopping to chug some healing potion. The difficulty of Oblivion ranges disjointedly from crippling, insanely, Battletoads challenging to something your 3-year-old sister can beat. It all depends on where you set the difficulty meter while playing. And since you can save or change the difficulty at any time, there's never any real cause for worry. If you find yourself being out-classed by your enemies, simply crank down the difficulty to the point that it's easier than stealing candy from a dead baby. Once the difficulty's down, Oblivion plays sort of like an FPS with swords, since you don't have to worry about skill levels, casting spells, mixing potions, or any of that nerdy stuff. Just hold down the attack button until everyone in front of you dies. Or you can just make a set of full invisibility armor and run around like some sort of ninja God. Your choice.
And on the topic of leveling, Oblivion's is a broken pile of AIDS. Levels are acquired by improving your primary skills, which is done by using them. So you can look forward to 85% of your playing experience being dedicated to casting the same spell 10,000 times in a row while in a dazed stupor or tying a rubberband around the left analog stick and taking a nap. It all amounts to a level of grind rivaled only by World of Warcraft. But once you do actually level, most of your enemies level right along with you, so the game doesn't really become any easier, making the leveling system about as useful as a man's nipples. There are no off limit areas for low-level characters, and you hardly gain anything from leveling, which really defeats the purpose of it being an RPG.
Naturally, gamers will frequently draw comparisons between Oblivion and its predecessor, Morrowind. Like Morrowind, Oblivion is a life-draining waste of time and money, but there are a few key differences. Oblivion has been updated to be more user-friendly, with a more accessible player management system and fewer complications. Of course, this also means that quite a bit has been stripped out, and it is not uncommon to hear whiny forumgoers bitching about how Oblivion has been dumbed down for a new audience. The scenery in Oblivion is also a noted upgrade, with Next-Gen graphics and lots of lens flare thrown over everything, enabling near recreation of such diverse landscapes as a beautiful forest with a couple rocks or a beautiful forest with a small stream running through it. In fact, it seems that the developers were so satisfied with their piece of forest scenery that they cuntpasted it hundreds of times to cover every inch of the ridiculously huge map. So in short, the entire game looks exactly the same, with the occasional snowflake thrown in if you climb high enough up the mountains.
Another area of glaring failure is the voice acting department. There are ten races in Oblivion, and with two genders, that means there should be at least twenty distinct character voices. Not to mention the fact that there are about 3,000 NPCs. So, one would think that they'd have a pretty diverse lineup of voices. Well, it looks like the voice acting division spent all of their allotted money on hiring Patrick Stewart to voice all of the Emperor's three lines, so they had to hire five bums off the street to fill the remaining roles. As a result, everybody in Oblivion sounds exactly the same and has incredibly awkward transitioning between lines. Not to mention that the dialog sounds as if it was written by Peter Chimaera. What it all amounts to is the distinct feeling that everyone around you is schizophrenic.
Some other annoying grievances:
- Only like two fucking boss fights in the entire game, and they're both boring.
- Glitches out the ass, some so bad that you're forced to restart your game from scratch.
- Retardedly exploitable magicka system.
- No nudity in the console versions. Seriously, what the fuck?
[edit] Races
[edit] Altmer
Altmers are considered to be some of the most elite fags in all of Cryodil.
Note the pencil thin eyebrows the sharp jaw line and the visible lip injections. They're supposed to make good mages, but they have a natural weakness to magic, which makes them quite possibly the worst choice for a video game character.
Hobbies Include:
- Using macs.
[edit] Argonian
Lizard people, the filthy spawn of a dinosaur and a furry. It was bound to happen, just look at all of those dino sex pics some sick fuck can get off on! They have some cool abilities and resistances if you don't mind playing as a fucking lizard.
Arogonians are the metaphorical niggers of Cyrodil, ranking below all but the Khajiits. Although a black race does exist in the game, they are treated with respect by the other races. The Argonians, on the other hand, are oppressed, tortured, and looked down upon by most other races. They have a particularly hostile relationship with the Khajiits, and the whole of Tamriel just wishes the two races would wipe each other out to get all those damn furfags off the streets.
Hobbies Include:
- Porn shoots.
- Swimming, eating bugs, sunbathing on rocks, and other lizard-like things presumably.
[edit] Bosmer
Annoying little fags that are supposed to be good archers or something. But since no person would ever seriously put himself through the pain of actually playing through as an archer, nobody would know if this is true. They are also known as Wood Elves, or when playing on Gaia Online as "loliamanon334".
Hobbies Include:
- Gaia Online
- Shopping for Abercrombie & Fitch clothes with Mom.
[edit] Breton
Creepy bastards with magical resistance, but that all comes naturally due to their addiction to 4chan's /x/ board.
Hobbies Include:
- The /x/ board.
- Human sacrifice.
[edit] Dunmer
This is what happens when a High Elf comes upon the ZA WARUDO meme and decides to do it IRL.
Hobbies Inlcude:
- The "Invert Colors" option in MS Paint.
- Satanic worship
[edit] Imperial
The Imperial race is mostly noted for their persistence in stopping scum, mainly of the criminal variety. As well as the odd practice of accepting blood as a form of payment. This race doesn't really have any interesting abilities or advantages, but it's your only choice if you want your character to look like a normal person.
Hobbies Include:
- Stopping crime.
- Standing around.
[edit] Khajiit
At the other end of the spectrum we have the Khajiit. Fucking furries, ruining a perfectly good game making an annoying game insufferable with their unrelenting furfaggotry. Hated by all in Tamriel, the Khajiit really don't have any impressive characteristics and are pretty shit overall. Not that anyone would actually choose to play as them. For added fun, make it a personal sidequest to track down and murder every Khajiit in Cyrodil. This isn't an actual quest, but there's definitely a great sense of accomplishment entitled to you if you pull it off. On a side note, notice that every Highwayman and at least half of the Bandits you encounter are Khajiits, proving that furries are nothing but criminal scum.
Hobbies Include:
- Having gay sex with Argonians.
- Yiffing, collecting calipers.
[edit] Nord
Classic brave warrior/drunken barbarian/kickass viking type people that live up in the mountains. Good for gamers who want their characters to be combat ready, but not niggers or orcs.
Hobbies Include:
- Drinking mead.
- Listening to Power Metal.
[edit] Orc
Big, muscular green people. Think "The Incredible Hulk", except gayer and much less awesome.
Hobbies Include
- Lifting weights
- Killing things
[edit] Redguard
Token black people of the game. This section would usually contain a bunch of played out nigger jokes, but Bethesda pussed out and made the Redguards a fairly respectable race of soldiers, reserving most of the thieving murderer roles for the other classes.
Hobbies Include:
- Chicken and watermelon
[edit] Dwemer
The not Dwarves of the world of the Elder Scrolls. Typically called "Deep Elves" they were then called dwarves because they could not keep up with Elven stereotypes such as slash fiction, being gay, and having a slightly different Pantone® shade of skin. They went extinct because FOR GOD FUCKING SAKES WE ALREADY HAVE 3 FUCKING SPECIES OF ELVES ALREADY. The only living Dwarf is a fat fuck who sits in a spider chair all day and gets sponge bathed by his Dunmer slave.
Hobbies Include:
- Building over elaborate doors for empty rooms.
- Chasing Abbot and Costello though ruins.
[edit] Oblivion Pr0ns
As you may know, this ancient, oft-proven rule of the internet has been shown to be true for just about everything. And Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is no exception. As with anything else in the world, Oblivion is the subject of tons of porn from around the web, and since Oblivion is a realistic videogame, this is especially true. Naturally, most of the pr0n contains Khajiits and Argonians, because furfags are usually the only ones sick enough to make this stuff.
Some hawt in-game porno |
Necrophilia Achievement |
| Needs Moar Porn | |||||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||||
|
|
|||||||||||||||
|
[edit] The Lusty Argonian Maid
As in most fantasy RPGs, the creators tried to cram a bunch of backstory and lore into the game. Also like most fantasy RPGs, they failed miserably at doing this. Oblivion is full of libraries full of books that the game's writers have actually filled with stories and useless information that nobody gives a flying shit about. But it's always there if you want to pass the time doing nothing. One of the aforementioned books is entitled The Lusty Argonian Maid, a portion of a romance novel about an Argonian maid who polishes her master's spear. It is probably one the game's most redeeming aspects and has turned into something of a running joke/minor meme in the Elder Scrolls universe. The riveting tale of The Lusty Argonian Maid:
Lifts-Her-Tail: Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers.
Crantius Colto: Is that all you have come here for, little one? My chambers?
Lifts-Her-Tail: I have no idea what it is you imply, master. I am but a poor Argonian maid.
Crantius Colto: So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong legs and shapely tail.
Lifts-Her-Tail: You embarrass me, sir!
Crantius Colto: Fear not. You are safe here with me.
Lifts-Her-Tail: I must finish my cleaning, sir. The mistress will have my head if I do not!
Crantius Colto: Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here, polish my spear.
Lifts-Her-Tail: But it is huge! It could take me all night!
Crantius Colto: Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.
END OF ACT IV, SCENE III
The story of The Lusty Argonian Maid started in Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind and has evolved since then to include several scenes like the one above. A more complete retelling of The Lusty Argonian Maid can be found here. The original tale was told by a recurring NPC named Ma'aiq the Liar, a talking cat. Ma'aiq also makes an appearance in Oblivion to give away little Easter Eggs and such from the development team, many of which originated on the Oblivion forums prior to the game's release.
[edit] STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!
Arguably By far the best part of Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is the Imperial Guard. So memorable, in fact, that the guards have spawned a meme that has become quite popular on the web, particularly on chan imageboards, moar particularly on 4chan's /v/. You see, whenever you commit a crime in Oblivion and get caught, your bounty rating goes up. And if a guard catches you with a bounty on your head, you'd better prepare yourself to hear this:
STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM |
The Imperial Guard Song |
What's so funny about the Imperial Guard is that you can very often get away with murdering townsfolk right under their noses, and they won't do anything about it. But if one sees you accidentally picking up a piece of fruit (or spoon, fork, etc.) that doesn't belong to you, you'd better open up your wallet or get ready to run, you scummy criminal. And once the guards are done dealing with a perp, they just turn back around and act as if nothing ever happened. And for some reason, no matter what crime you committed, he always says some variation of "I'm confiscating your stolen goods," even if you just slaughtered fifty townsfolk and didn't steal a fucking thing.
Moar Oblivion Guard Videos
| Gallery of CRIMINAL SCUM | ||||||||
|
||||||||
|
|
||||||||
|
[edit] Imperial Guard Cash
Stop Right There Criminal Scum,
My name is Imperial Guard, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are low endurance, low intelligence troublemakers who spend every second of their day looking for laws to break. You are everything bad in Tamriel. Honestly, have any of you ever bought something? I mean, I guess it's fun stealing shopkeepers' property because of your low score in mercantile, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than pickpocketing wandering traders when no guards are around.
Don't be a criminal. Just hit anyone within eyesight. I'm pretty much perfect. I was captain of the running team, and starter on my shouting team. What sports do you play, other than "commit senseless acts of violence and theft against those who cannot defend themselves"? I also have full Imperial Armor, and have arrested the hero many times (She just paid the fine; Shit was SO gold). You are all criminals who should have just paid the fine. Thanks for listening.
Pic Related: It's me apprehending a criminal.
[edit] Adoring Fan
So, you find yourself beating the last contender in the arena. "Finally all of that hard work is over!" you say to yourself. When the champion falls you rejoice, and so does the crowd. Well, since there is nothing left to do you find yourself back at the front entrance to the arena, speaking to the man who takes bets. You leave feeling accomplished in your deeds. But what is this robust colored specimen blocking the way? Why is it walking toward me...What the hell is this thing!?!
[edit] Choices, choices, choices...
Right after speaking to this golden-haired freak, he gives you two options from which to choose. Both of them will produce strange, and in some cases, extremely hilarious results. They are as follows.
[edit] Choice #1: Follow Me
OK, so you chose to let this douchebag follow you around; don't worry, this can always be changed later, and you will change your mind. He's pretty much useless, aside from the fact that he carries a torch whenever it's dark so you won't have to. But as soon as an enemy approaches, he flees like a little bitch, making him completely useless. There's not much to do but let him follow you into strange places then choose the next option...
[edit] Choice #2: Stay Here
This choice in conjunction with the latter choice can produce some of the most hilarious results this game can offer, especially when you get bored with him.
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
- The offishul Oblivion website
- Oblivion Wiki
- Zero Punctuation review of Oblivion
- Oblivion in Real Life
- Nobody likes the Adoring Fan
- Necrophiliac Dark Elf
- Oblivion Numa Numa
- Very rare artifact/Easter egg and how to find it
- Oblivion Domino Day
- Madness? This...is...CYRODIL!
 |
Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is part of a series on Gaming. |
|
