Final Fantasy 7
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Released in 1997 on the Sony PlayStation, accompanied by a flood of tears from Nintendo fanboys, Final Fantasy VII is a RPG that remains popular even today - due almost entirely to its presence on the PlayStation. The main objective of the game is to take turns using your math powers to attack (subtract) your anime opponents until they = zero. It is roughly the equivalent of pleasuring your math professor with a broomhandle while listening to annoying Japanese synth music.
In addition to the game-play sucking, the story is even more horrible. Final Fantasy 7, as well as all other Final Fantasy games rely on cheap drama and a "deus ex machina," which is the proper term for a plot resolution that requires absolutely no set-up or skill to pull off.
The Game
Like any Japanese game that is commercially successful in the US, it spawned a massive cult-following that continues to believe things about the game that have been categorically denied by the programmers, and are not included in the code. See also: Resurrecting Aeris.
Fanboys of this game will stop at nothing to exalt the glories of just about everything that is contained within the three CDs (four in the PC version) that ship with their priceless commercial package. Apart from making over 9000 fanfics on fanfiction.net alone (note: this is not a wacky meme joke. There are literally more than 9,000 fanfics. In fact, there are over 25,000.) endless sites and fanlistings, the online community related to Final Fantasy VII continues to spam falsehoods and banalities on every message board of any size on the internet.
All will claim that the game is the most supremely important work of high art since "The Birth of Venus", and that it would translate well into just about any possible device of telling a narrative story. Most will claim that to enjoy the game, an above-average or higher intelligence is needed. Both can be categorically denied, given that the story is a disjointed mess of a generic save-the-world plot, told in increments of three or four lines of dialogue, no coincidence given that this is about the exact mass of information a teenage boy reared on Snickers and early-morning cartoons can take.
The music will be compared to Wagner and Mozart, on the single merit of having a piece with choir and synth orchestra. The music is utterly incomparable to any work by any master writing in the Germanic tradition. It's your moderately well executed run-of-the-mill American movie-score job. FFVII fanboys can often be found fagging up the Wikipedia entry on the game, falsely thinking that anyone likely to read the article hasn't played through the game twice already. Desperate to contribute anything to an online encyclopedia about their greatest sacred cow next to Lord of the Rings and Donnie Darko, they will add inane shit like "most final fantasy fans think THIS IS the best game ever! The music is so great and wonderful that many final fantasy fans CRY, and also the dialogue has been compared to the greatest literary novels in history." They fail to mention that the comparison is: "the dialogue in this game is even worse when compared to the greatest literary novels in history."
This game marks the official emo-fication of the Final Fantasy series, focusing more and more on brooding, mysterious cry-baby characters too concerned about their own love-triangles to worry about trivial shit like insane Demi-Gods and gigantic, magical meteorites destroying their planet. They'll get to that later. It's also the first game in the series that encourages players to skip through as much of the game play as possible so that they can continue masturbating to cut-scenes.
Story
The story revolves around a badass uber-soldier with an impossibly giant sword named Cloud Strife, who is found dazed and confused stoned at the railway station by his teenage sweetheart, Tifa Lockheart. Tifa now belongs to the Marxist environmental terrorist group known as AVALANCHE. What AVALANCHE actually stands for is never revealed in the game, but a good guess is "All Valiant Alliances Lose All Nice Convictions, Hug Earwigs."
AVALANCHE is, initially, led by Barret Wallace (AKA: "Mr. T") - it is composed of Tifa; Lard Ass with "Star Wars" Name; Faggot with "Star Wars" Name, and Dumb Lesbian Slut who has always harbored secret fantasies of scissoring Tifa. They trot around Midgar blowing stuff that belongs to the Shinra Corporation (those evil capitalist bastards!) sky high. Mercifully enough, the latter three AVALANCHE members get offed violently by Shinra in the first hour of the game, after which Cloud + gang escape Midgar City for the world beyond - chased by Shinra Corp.'s "Turks", a group of trained secret police who would be better put to use as doormen for your local Chinese Laundromat/opium den. From this point on, the lulz really kick into gear as Cloud's tormented past begins to resurface.
But, we digress. Back to the destruction of state property.
Some time during the blowing-up of power plants, Cloud meets Aeris Gainsborough and develops as much of a love connection with her as an emotionally stunted Japanese man can program into a RPG, which is almost exactly equal to negative none. After she joins the party Aeris lasts about one hour of game play before she is killed during a dynamic entry - one of many - of the alpha bad-guy, Sephiroth.
Many Final Fantasy VII fans will candidly relate that they cried during the funeral scene that followed, which just shows that they have the emotional capacity of a watermelon, and the social cognizance of Nickolaus. A lot of them are emo, too.
The story proceeds through many standard twists and turns, including a sequence in which Cloud sits around doing nothing but staring into outer space and mumbling nonsense that would make an autistic 5-year old look like a Harvard grad . . . until it is revealed that Cloud is a HUGE fucking liar.
It turns out that he was a glorified cannon-fodder soldier that served under both Sephiroth and Aeris' ex-boyfriend Zack. In a psychotic rage, Sephiroth murdered Zack upon finding out that his conception and subsequent birth were the result of a mad scientist fucking a female tentacle monster -- and without protection to boot, how dangerous.
In a huge series of events that make shit amount of sense, Zack escapes from a lab with Cloud who's now all retarded. Shortly before they make their way safely into Midgar, Zack gets the shit shot out of him by Shinra soldiers and dies.
Then Cloud, seeing Zack be all dead and stuff, takes his sword, WRYYYYYYYs for a while and then leaves him to rot in the outskirts of the city.
After seeing a weird monster from the center of the earth kill the Shinra Corporation's corrupt board of directors - or in other words, the planet acquiring Shinra through a VERY hostile takeover - and cutting time out of his not-so-busy schedule to take part in the obligatory "No one loves me!!!!" scene, Cloud then goes and confronts Sephiroth at the Northern Crater. There, Sephiroth is planning on inflicting a huge wound to the planet via "Meteor", the Black Materia. This wound will, like the opening in Art Price's picnic table, provide an avenue for Sephiroth to become one with the planet. Through this, he has hopes of becoming a god.
This makes it obvious to all but those that fell victim to the game's ability to suck out brain cells that Sephiroth's plans amount to the biggest . . . skull fuck . . . EVAR.
(And you thought Greenpeace pansies wanting to intimately know the knotholes of a pine tree were bad?!)
Sephiroth mutates into two forms in order to destroy Cloud's rag-tag band of losers. These are, to wit, "Easter Island Sephiroth" and "Antichrist Sephiroth." At the very end of the battle, Cloud symbolically destroys Sephiroth by counter-attacking upon being brutally wounded - thus killing him in the faggiest way possible.
The ending (loved by those who love the lulz) cuts as the meteor is broken apart by flowing white strands; we're suddenly seeing several hundred years into the future, where Red XIII gazes downward upon Midgar City (which is now abandoned and covered in many forms of plant life) with his CHILDREN?! Presumably Red XIII is asexual. Presumably he is able to have puppies with human women. Especially seeing how some creepy scientist guy tried to make him raep Aries earlier in the game.
Or maybe, and this presents itself as a much more likely conclusion to someone who wasn't ditching science class to smoke pot when the teacher gave his lesson on genetics, the story writers of FFVII are idiots since Red XIII is supposed to be the last of his kind.
Then, Red XIII tells his bastard children a story about the Circle of Life. They set off a camp fire, roast S'mores, and lulzes are had by all.
THE END.
Basically it's like watching Akira and Blade Runner fap into each other's faces for 100 hours, only gayer.
Spoiler Alert: the above text contains plot and/or ending details
tl;dr. Aeristh Died Faggots Cried. What more do you need to know?
Character Development
Some contend that FF7 has the GREATESTCHARACTERDEVELOPMENTEVAR! Here's a summary:
Cloud
I was an outcast as a kid, but I wanted to impress the girl next door! (REFRESHING~!)
I'ma go join SOLDIER outside of my small hick town to impress this tacked on bimbo character!
I FAILED, I even suck as a grunt!
But . . . I somehow managed to run up a vertical pipe with a Dragon Slayer rip off and pierce the greatest SOLDIER of all time who (According to GAMEFAQS!) can cut at the speed of sound!
Uh-oh, I failed again, time for a Mako body wash.
Well, now I'll get some amnesia and repeat the plot of FFVI with me in place of Terra, and watch some bitch die. It'll be one of the focal points in a movie that will be released, and will suck so badly it goes promptly to DVD, ten years from now.
Cloud, being the dickless wonder he is, wields a big ass butcher knife as compensation, which he ever so kindly pried from the dead hands of the man who saved him - right before walking off to let various animals shit all over his carcass! Good going there condensation puff . . . eh . . Cloud.
A Typical Fangirl's Wet Dream [04:29]x_iluvcloud_x: omg brittaney u kno wut we shoud do?! [04:29]xXNiGHTDaGGeRXx: wut shuld we do???? [04:29]xXNiGHTDaGGeRXx: u ther?? [04:30]x_iluvcloud_x: yah we shuld do somthing next year at skool [04:30]xXNiGHTDaGGeRXx: wut [04:31]x_iluvcloud_x: we shuld tel r teachrz to cal me cloud bcuz evry1 calls me that anyway nd jacynth is such a uncomin name!!!!!! [04:32]xXNiGHTDaGGERXx: omg yah n ill tel tehm 2 cal me sephiroth!!!!!!! [04:33]x_iluvcloud_x: WELL BE SO KEOWL
Tifa
A whore with big tits who fancies the pants off Cloud, but he's too big of an emo tit to notice, so instead angsts about Sephiroth all the time. She sucks Chocobos off for a living.
"CleRis" fans go menstrual when you even attempt to mention that Cloud may have a thing for Tifa, so be sure to argue this blindly for as long as possible to ensure maximum extraction of lulz.
Final Fantasy VII fans will try to argue that Tifa can beat virtually any video game female that ever existed, when we all know that Tifa is a pathetic twat. "Ummm Tifa Can SUmMon!11 n use majics!11". At which point she gets a bullet through the head by Lara Croft and then bashed the fuck up by Pai Chan, Alyx Vance and Chun Li. They all piss on her corpse afterwards.
The only thing Tifa is good for is her advanced fisting techniques, which she has used on friend and foe alike.
Aeris/Aerith/Aerigrabharblbraphl/
A flower girl who lives in a church (read: prostitute). Used to fuck Cloud's dead BFF Zack, then joined him after Sephiroth stabbed her with his unnecessarily long sword. They fuck in the afterlife, as pointed out by a scene in Advent Children. Mmm, necro sex.
Weeaboos call her "Aerith" because that's apparently how the Japanese intended it to be spelled, because it means "earth" or some crap. Even worse, Square actually now call her Aerith as well, and also pronounce it the same way (despite it actually being pronounced as "Aeris" when spoken in native Japanese). For sufficient lulz, call her Aeris on an FFVII message board/forum and ignorantly claim you are correct, while rebuffing all counter points presented. But srsly, who gives a shit?
Aeris/Aerith/Dead Bitch wields a giant dildo as a weapon.
Barret Wallace
The fat ass nigger, who is the leader of AVALANCHE, enjoys swearing and fisting the KKK up the ass with his typical Nigger gun. Barret has also been linked to the likes of Mr T. because of his highly unoriginal character design. Thanks, Tetsuyo Nomura!
Barret used to work in a mine mostly raping women and storing a huge amount of watermelons in desert full of niggers, then one day The Man came and attacked his homeland while him and his best mate were smoking crack down in one of the mines. The village was burned down, and his best friend was "killed" by Robert E. Lee's daughter because he was a niggerlover. Needless to say, after Barret's wife died, he finds Marlene who was his best friend's stepdaughter. Like all niggers, he kidnaps the little white girl and takes her in as his own.
Red XIII/Nanaki/Furry
Red XIII is a fugly dog thing that can talk for some reason. We first see him as a horny dog inside a cage about to have sex with Aeris. Much to the disappointment of fellow zoophiliacs, this does not happen. It is understood that he and that supposedly Azn wannabe American Indian kid (what's-her-face) is having sex most of the time they're not playing.
Breeding with animals is not taboo in FF7's fucked up La-La land. His grandfather is a human which sort of makes you wonder what he got up to in his youth (obviously, fucking dogs) Red XIII is full of angst just like every other Final Fantasy character, but then snaps out of it after he finds out his Dad really was an hero and was turned to stone. At which point, no one cares and want it to hurry up so they can see Aeris die.
If he could wear clothes he would definitely be a cross dresser, as evidenced by the hairpin he uses for a weapon.
Vincent Valentine
A boring as fuck character who spent the entire game angsting about his whore of a girlfriend Lucrecia (Sephiroth's real mother). He's sort of a vampire, so the fangirls constantly cream themselves over him because vampires are totally hardcore. He was a Turk until he started pissing and moaning about Hojo farting about with Jenova cells. So Hojo made him immortal and locked him in a coffin. Well, it's definitely one way to get rid of your problems.
He is clothed permanently in the kind of gear you'd see someone in one of those faggy goth clubs wearing. He was the only character in Advent Children who didn't have a change of attire(except Red XIII, but he's a dog, so he has an excuse), which makes him a dirty hobo. He had his own game, FFVII: Dirge of Cerberus, which was a gigantic pile of fail for 2 reasons: (1. It played like total ass, and (2. It introduced several plot elements that you are forced to accept have existed since before FFVII, despite the fact that they are never mentioned because the original plot was never intended to integrate them.
About the best thing that can be said about Vincent is that he doesn't sparkle.
Cid Highwind
A redneck who is at least 100 years old. Cid once planned to ride a Shinra rocket ship to outer space, however this did not happen due to his dumb cunt of an assistant. Cid's favorite hobbies are swearing, wife beating, smoking and fapping in front of his computer of porn. A true hero. Now, sit your ass down in that chair and DRINK YOUR GODDAMN TEA!
Yuffie/Jailbait
16-year old who prides herself on being a Naruto fangirl and all-around weeaboo. Started wearing short shorts in a vain effort to please her incest-loving pedophile father, who thinks she has no tits and no ass. When that didn't work out, she contracted a massive case of kleptomania and began stealing everything in sight - especially Materia, which could be strung together into anal beads for dear old Daddy.
Living up to her namesake, she appears in the prequel as a child, BAWWWing at Zack because she fails. Feeling bad, Zack decides to help her find treasure because he made her cry; because he doesn't have the balls to live up to his bad ass SOLDIER namesake, and telling her to either STFU or gb2kitchen.
This chick being an anorexic, the ninja star that she wields for a weapon is ten times her own weight.
Cait Sith
Cait Sith is a cat robot sitting on another Moogle robot; sending him commands with a megaphone that was stolen from the locker room of the varsity cheer leading squad. You find him in that one place that is like a Walt Disney World rip-off. From that point on he won't leave you alone, becoming like the annoying friend or neighbor that won't shut up, shows up at your house unannounced and eats everything in your fridge. Worse yet, he is even more proof that the nerds at Square are obsessed with Star Wars-sounding names.
Cait Sith/Kitty/Useless does nothing even remotely interesting; half of his attacks consist of running up to someone and bapping them with his fluffy paws; half of them reveal his compulsive gambling problem, and they all suck the dick off your 80 year old grandfather.
Genesis Rhapsodos
A new character introduced in Crisis Core (A half-decent spin-off A shitty demi-remake for the PSP that can really only be attributed to Sell-out-Enix's gayest desires to please fanboys worldwide with their 133t graphics whilst adding in some more unknown past to the original and yet-again changing the battle system for something that better resembles a driving simulator set-up) after Nomura gained creative control over the FFVII series, despite him only being an artist on the original game. Nomura's designs often seem to indicate two things: he has an indescribable and incessant fetish for zippers and belts (see: Kingdom Hearts), and he gets a massive hard-on over Gackt, an immensely shitty J-Pop singer who is so obviously gay it turns gays straight through sheer embarrassment. Nomura's boner for Gackt ended up landing FFVII in the most unimaginably gay situation; he introduced a character based on the singer, who is actually a prototype for Sephiroth or something, and totally isn't a gigantic retcon.
Sephiroth
The man with a mangina (evidenced by his "Bigger-than-your-little-sword-Cloud" sword). Throughout the story he keeps bitching because he can't get his mother off (Maybe it's cause she ain't got a fucking head, you faggot!)
The Boss battle theme for Sephiroth is the notorious "One Winged Angel," which, in the original game, was a midi sequenced piece of crap. It has been redone over 9,000 times for the Final Fantasy that has been streched out over more games than Mario. FF fans are rabid about it. It is actually a ripoff of both Jimi Hendrix's Purple Haze and all lyrics were lifted from Carmina Burana O Fortuna. Nobou Uematsu even admits it.
Also known for his legions of screaming fantards. It is speculated that his hair lost all color because Summoner Yuna fapped on it.
Sephiroth occasionally flirts with awesomeness when murdering towns of people for no reason (see: the SINGLE MOST overused 10 seconds of footage of ALL TIME !!!) and destroying solar systems also for no reason, but falls short of being badass when he starts crying about his mother.
Zack Fair
A character introduced half-way through the original game, and only through a series of flashbacks. Zack was one of the few non-emo characters, and because of this, went the way of Heath Ledger. He was the original user of Cloud's sword, was a ladies man and took Genesis to the cleaners. Cloud always angsts about not being able to live out his legacy, but he seems to have no problem stealing his shit and raping his women.
What wasn't well known about Zack was his love of CP, which is why he followed Yuffie to hell and back because he thought there would be something in it for him. However, the Shinra Army got wind of his antics and shot him dead.
Rape
The characters and events in the game are the subject of fan fiction, yaoi, yuri, slash, cosplay and every other kind of fan-based distortion of original material possible - right down to femme Cloud.
Communities
It is estimated that there are countless Final Fantasy VII related communities on LiveJournal alone, with many many more spanning the internet in its entirety. Each community, filled to the brim with nerds and fangirls, is virtually guaranteed at least one major drama per year.
Unfortunately for the majority of the time Final Fantasy VII communities are boring circle-jerks about Sephiroth that are punctuated only by a newbie discovering that Sephiroth is also the "emanations of God" in the Kabbalah and posting this information to the community, despite it being common knowledge.
The typical contents of an FFVII related forum usually consists of:
- Topics about which character is the hottest, arguments on whether Cloud wanted to fuck Aeris or Tifa, and the like.
- Fanfiction and fanart, usually of the lowest caliber (See Kurohime). Do not attempt to read these unless for the lulz. If you're looking for a good, gripping story, you're not going to find it here.
The Turks
During the storyline of FFVII Cloud and gang encounter the Turks, from Shinra.
The Turks were once great people who killed off the Armenians in a lulzy genocide. However, after the genocide, they were captured by Squaresoft and were ordered to be in FFVII. The Turks were all turned into emo fucks, and were never heard from again.
The Turks use CATTLE PROD NIGHTSTICKS as weapons, which is the most genius invention since the Gunblade, except this one actually makes sense.
The characters include:
Reno: A redhead wigger with obsessive attraction to the word "Yo". He also unbuttons his shirt and flicks his collar up. 100 percent cool dude. Likes taking it in the ass from Rude, Rufus, Tseng, Cloud, Yazoo, Kadaj, Tifa, half of FFVIII and for some fucked up reason Vincent. Srsly, WTF?
Rude: A blind, bald nigger, and sidekick to Reno. He uses fists, and not the cattle prod. May this lie further into his storyline? Or did he just leave it under Reno's bed? Most likely the second one, seeing as the two are never seen alone. May this lie further into th-- fuck it.
Tseng: The leader of the Turks or some shit. All that is known really is that he is an angst azn man with a bullet stuck right in the center of his head, and talks more on his mobile phone than a slutty dumbshit American teenage girl.
Elena: A slutty dumbshit American teenage girl ((See above)) who tries incredibly hard to do her job right, when all she needs to do is just suck Tseng's cock, because the two are in a relationship or something. Also wants Tifa's over-sized tits in her face.
They all die in an explosion that erupted in the basement after Cid Highwind farted next to a naked flame.
Sequels, Prequels, etc.
Character Cameos
Since Squaresoft knew that it was all downhill from here, they decided to whore out FF7 characters as much as possible by giving them cameos in the rest of their games till the end of time. Cloud, Aeris, Sephiroth, and the rest of the douchebags make cameos in Kingdom Hearts, Halo: The Movie, Kill Bill volume 3' and Final Fantasy Tactics. But seriously guys, no one cares.
Final Fantasy
The first game that started this wretched trainwreck of a series. In the old days, there was no need for overly complicated storylines, though there was a hint as to what was to come with its vaguely useful execution of time traveling. Basically, four Orbs aren't shining, and as a result the whole world was inflicted with cancer and AIDS. It's up to a party of four Light Warriors to make each orb shine again by defeating various bosses. The game was notoriously buggy, as several spells were fucked up so that they didn't work properly, if at all. As of late, it has been remade numerous times.
Final Fantasy II
Originally a Japan-only release, this game is considered the odd man out, since the leveling system was so fucked up. In fact, it was far easier to power up your characters if they cut themselves like emos. Seriously. The three main characters are Firion/Frionel/Fucker, the typical animu bishie-type; Maria, the girl he wants to bang; and Guy, a big beefy moron who has the ability to understand the language of beavers, yet can't speak proper English. It was also the first game to feature the "rebels vs. empire" plot that becomes so central to not just Final Fantasy, but every other RPG ever. If you want to troll Final Fantasy VII's fans, tell them just how much better this game is than that one. Like its prequel, it has been remade a number of times.
Final Fantasy III
Not to be confused with Final Fantasy VI, this game is older but equally shitty. It breaks with the tradition of angsty teens fighting evil empires, this game featured ambidextrous quadruplets who would probably still be in the 2nd or 3rd grade, fighting to save the world. The plot is very similar to the first game, except that the final boss is actually kinda hawt. Though there were tons upon tons of "jobs" the kids could take up, the last two of them, Ninja and Sage, end up kicking the ass of everything else. This game was remade on the Nintendo DS, and became a story of stereotypical animu characters fighting evil.
Final Fantasy VI
It has its own article here.
Final Fantasy VIII
Final Fantasy VIII is even shittier than the previous Final Fantasy with an even more angst filled plot. Some argue that it is by far the shittiest love story ever created. If you say this to a fanboy you are in for many lulz, as they will always argue that it's better than 7, when it's really just as shitty. And by "just as shitty," I mean "way, way shittier."
Final Fantasy IX
The main character's arch-nemesis wears a silk skirt over his woman's ass and a leather jockstrap. No, seriously. Zidane, a half-breed monkey that steals things for living. Garnet, a loli raised by some crazy fat female clown. Steiner, a pussy-ass wannabe knight who spends all his time cockblocking Zidane. At least in the other Final Fantasy games most of the characters were, you know, HUMAN. Luckily, one of the characters in your party is able to cast double black when fights get hairy. The soul purpose of the creation of this game was to discover, out all of the "extremely dedicated" fans of the series (aka people who love the hentai), which fans were also pedophiles, seeing as all the characters look like little children.
Final Fantasy X
Tidus, the main emofag character of this garbage doesn't know how to dress himself, frequently has flashbacks/thoughts about hating his OLD MAN, hangs out with blue cat people, angsty goth bitches who use dolls as weapons and takes anti-depressant, 16-year-old summoners, and finally ends up fighting his OLD MAN in an "epic" boss battle. Was it mentioned that his dad is also a giant monster named Sin? Same shit, different monster. Over 9000% of people who play the game only do so so that they can stare at the perpetually PMS-ing goth chick Lulu's ridiculously enormous and half-exposed tits.
However, this game does have it's lulz- most of them coming from IRC fagots trying to force obviously fake interviews on Gamefaqs down your throat that try to claim Spira is actually a country on Final Fantasy VII, and that the loser who wanted money from you to start a shop was Shin-ra's President in Final Fantasy VII. If this was actually true, then Square Enix has officially smoked themselves retarded on Sepheroth's cock, on 3 basic facts:
1) If Spira was really a Final Fantasy VII country, ruin, whatever- where the fuck is it in Final Fantasy VII?!
2) God help me I know this: Shin-ra was suposedly started by a war Profiteer that got is money selling his weapons to both sides of the same war when Cloud was a fucking kid that was still masturbating to the time when Tifa forgot to close her window after her tits came in. So, what was the Shinra in X doing? Selling Phoenix downs to Sin?!
3) If it was really a prequel to FFVII, why the fuck would they make a whole new world, instead of just using the one they already had and pre-dating it? If I was gonna make a story about how New York was founded, I'm not gonna film it in fucking Moscow now, AM I?!
Face it, faggots- some fangirl cunt put up her dreamworld fantasy on Gamefaqs, and you assholes didn't have the common sense to know it was fake. The end, kill yourselves so you quit wasting my oxygen.
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy X meets Charlie's Angels plus love songs and dress-up. If you mash 'X' in all of the cutscenes, the emo fag from the original game comes back to life just so Yuna can shove him off a cliff and kill him again. DOUBLE KILL.
Final Fantasy XI
It has its own article here.
Final Fantasy XII
This one was less critically-acclaimed as previous Final Fantasy titles, and thus, not quite as shitty as the others, but it still had its steaming truckload of SquareEnix-brand fail. For instance, while it was pretty cool how none of the characters were pre-made to be any specific character class (like how Garnet in Final Fantasy IX could never be anything more than a wimpy white mage/summoner, or how Wakka from Final Fantasy X could never be anything more than a Jamaican jock faggot), most of the weapon/spell animations for the characters looked fucking ridiculous and made it painful to give certain characters certain weapons and watch them flail around wildly like drunk chimps. Also, as a result of the game trying to use graphics that the PS2 was barely capable of, most magic casting is completely fucking slow and tedious.
One of the most despised aspects of the game is what they did with its best weapon, the Zodiac Spear. It has the highest attack power, very high speed, and very high chance to block. Basically, the thing that every player lusts after. The problem is that to get it, you have to NOT open four specific chests that you encounter early on in the game, and NOWHERE in the game does it tell you which ones they are. These chests are, of course, displayed right in front of you, out in the open early on in the game, where nobody who isn't retarded wouldn't think "ooh, chest. Open." So basically, since you don't know which ones they are, the only way to get the Zodiac Spear would be to never open any chests throughout the game, which would suck because you get a lot of really great weapons and accessories from chests. There's one other way to get the Zodiac Spear, but it requires running into the deepest room in the Henne Mines and looking for a chest that has a 10% chance of appearing, a 10% chance of holding an item, and a 10% chance of that item being the Zodiac Spear. So basically, you have a 1/1000 chance of getting the spear that way. There are a bunch of videos of people on Jewtube using this method, and most of them end by telling you that they tried to open this chest 500+ times over a span of like 12 hours. Do not attempt this unless you are a basement dweller with a nerd level of at least 100. And even if you do manage to get it that way, bragging rights can only go so far in life...
As one of its non-gay points, however, some argue that Final Fantasy XII had some of the best music in the series. Though, when compared with the One Winged Angel pile of shit, that's not much to gloat about.
The basic storyline is, the main characters bother, reks, goes to stop a big war but dies (causing much lulz for observers. Two years later, his whiny brother starts complaining about his dead brother, so decides to steal from the royalty, but gets arrested along with a britfag and his playgirl and were traped in the dungoen. They eventualy break out with the help of a traitor, and also with a very shiney pebble. When they get home, they find Vaans bitch was kidnaped, so they go to save her in some mines, but when they get there, she was freed and taken by another britfag (but this ones a midged). They then go and get themselves arrested for fun and end up taken to a flying fortress, where they kill all the gaurds and fight the leader (who is a member of the lemon party), while saving a princess. After escaping, they go to the princesses dead grandpapas grave to get another shiney pebble, so they travel through the desert and then to his grave, break open his tomb, throw his corpse to one side, and dance in joy as they got a new pebble, as there old one was no-longer shiney. Then, the guide they got betrayed them, so they kill him, and run off to the bird men of the plains to talk about they're stone. After being told to piss off, they meet up with the britfag who had vaans girlfreind, and they go off to playboys jungle, and talk to all the naked rabbit people, and then go to the evil mines to save one of them from a big dragon. After winning, and getting lots of head, they go and meet a magic man who tells them to get his big sword, and being retards, they go into another tomb and get it.they then return to find the magic man killed by a man in armour who they kill. They then decide to go to the big city and so take the MASSIVE (moar leik 5 mile) journy to archadia. When they get there, they go and visit the britfag balthiers father, but realise he is a bad man, so try to kill him and fail, and he runs away, and they follow him to a big forrest full of mist. There they find the lost city of new orleans, and search the many streets full of republicans, killing all in thier path, until they find god, who gives them a new big sword. They are told to destroy an entire empire, so, like good little lapdogs, they go to the lighthouse to steal its big light. When they get to the top, they meet dr cid (the britfags father) again, but this time he turns into god, and nearly kills them, but then blows up, awakening the great warship bahamut. Armed with yet another pebble, they go off to fight the emperor, and his entire army. They kill his gaurd, kill him twice, then he turns into a transformer, and fires many lazers at them, but still dies (from a heart attack), ending one of the worst games ever. the gang go home, and its cock sucking all round.
Vaan: A back alley thief who wants to level up to become a sky pirate and to stop being such a whiny bitch about his brother dying. For some reason, he was made the main character in the game despite being, for the most part, a supporting character in the game's story.
Ashelia "Ashe" B'nargin Dalmasca: A princess who wants her homeland, Dalmasca, back, and will suck whatever cock(s) it takes in order to get it back. She constantly relates boring Dalmascan history stories even when nobody asks, and she keeps seeing the ghost of her dead husband all over the place. Wait, she's on the rebound?
Balthier: An unfunny absolutely hilarious Brit who claims himself as the main character in the story. His real name is Ffamran Bunansa, which is gay as hell.
Fran: If you would rather fap to a ganguro furry than the prospect of penetrating a tight, slick, Japanese pussy, be my guest. She's a "Viera," which is an all-female race of tree-hugging hippies with rabbit ears who hate any and all contact with the outside world.
Basch von Ronsenburg: The original scrapped choice for the main character of the game, and a soldier in the Order of the Knights of Dalmasca, who was captured and blamed for his king's death. Instead of being executed, as was reported, he was imprisoned for at least 100 weeks, which is about 2 years. I think Basch is a pretty cool guy. Eh, gets framed for killing the king and isn't afraid of anything.
Penelo: Token blonde bitch with stupid pigtails and stupid voice who adds absolutely nothing important to the game's story (though it's not like there was much to the story anyway). Her idol is Tifa Lockhart because she is usually seen sucking off whatever Chocobo crosses her path since Vaan is too queer for her. In turn, the Chocobo peddler moogle Gurdy now has a new best customer.
Reks: Vaan's older brother. He dies LONG before the game ends.
Azalas Vossler: A "traitor," but with somewhat good intentions. However, this does not change the fact that he's a filthy liar, just like Ondore. He dies before the game ends.
Reddas: Formerly Judge-magister Zecht. He dies before the game ends. He doesn't have a huge role in the story, but he ends up blowing up a giant lighthouse by slicing a huge superpowered crystal in half, so he's okay.
Judge Ghis: A retarded old geezer who only cares about getting the Dawn Shard from Ashe. He dies before the game ends.
Judge Drace: The first Judge-magister to realize that Vayne killed the emperor, and Gabranth's vague butt-buddy. She dies before the game ends.
Judge Bergan: A batshit insane Judge-magister of Archadia. He infused his skeleton with nethicite and thus gained the strength of at least 100 men. He dies before the game ends.
Judge Zargabaath: He has a tiny part in the game, and thus, he's the only Judge that actually lives.
Doctor Cid: Balthier's detached pappy, and the cause of Balthier's faggy-ass teenager "I'm running away from home" bullshit. He is a crazy scientist hired by the Archadian empire. He becomes "possessed," so to speak (along with Vayne/Bergan), and also becomes a god for a day. He develops weapons using "nethicite," which is some kind of magical stone or whatever that creates Hiroshima-sized explosions. He dies before the game ends.
Gabranth: Basch's twin and another Judge-magister. He is forced to kill Judge Drace despite the fact that he desperately wants to hit that. He dies before the game ends. Basch takes his job as Judgemaster and protector of Larsa, which is pretty fucking stupid considering all Gabranth did throughout the game was fuck with Basch's shit. He is the only character to die AS the game ends.
Al-Cid Margrace: Part of the royal family in Rozarria. He only shows up three times throughout the game to irritate you with his incomprehensible Russian accent and to hit on Ashe.
Emporer Gramis Solidor: Old fuck, and ruler of Archadia. Goes on and on about how much of a ruthless bastard Vayne is. He is already dying of some unnamed sickness when you see him the first time, and of course, he dies before the game ends.
Vayne Solidor: A Fabio look-alike, Seymour's long lost brother, and the final boss. Known for being a son of a bitch, and for killing his father and two of his brothers in order to become the emporer of Archadia. He dies as the game ends.
Larsa Solidor: Vayne's younger brother. He is a good boy.
Marquis Halim Ondore IV: Don't listen to Ondore's lies!
Old Dalan: Old sand nigger who knows fucking everything, sometimes before it happens. He shows up once or twice in the beginning of the game and then is promptly forgotten forever.
Migelo: An old lizard-guy with the most annoying fucking voice you will ever hear. Ever. He sounds like he's puking when he talks. He shows up once or twice in the beginning of the game and then is promptly forgotten forever.
The Occuria: The "gods" of Ivalice, they show up once in the game to try to get Ashe to pull a Hitler on Archades. To get to them, go through miles upon miles of dungeon paths until you fight a Tyrant monster, then it takes you to even moar dungeon paths until you fight an Esper. This is a pathetic, way-oversold attempt to give players the illusion that at least the visuals and minimalistic music compensate for all the lost hours of play.
Montblanc: The owner of the hunting club in dalmasca. He is a fucking furry who only gives you the good hunts at the end. He, after making you look like a shit to the rest of the clan, tells you that there is a god dragon that killed his master when he was younger and he wont kill it as he is too fuckin' weak. He expects epic win on a ratio of at least 100.
Omega Mark XII: Incorrectly painted as the hardest monster in the game; it's actually simple to kill this thing, because its one move is a laser cannon that deals over 9000 damage.
Yiazmat: The real hardest monster in the game and the gay dragon that killed montblancs master. Has (srsly) fifty million HP, and fighting him consumes over 9000 hours of your life. If you run too far away from him during the battle, he will restore all of his health, thus requiring at least 100 additional hours in order to defeat him.
The Rest of Them
Everything after VIII has gotten progressively worse, as it's become blindingly obvious that the company only has two different plots (rebels v. the Empire and the planet v. people) and a handful of stock characters. This doesn't stop millions of idiots worldwide going on and ON about how amazing each new game is, however.
Final Fantasy Fans even troll themeselves in a song! How awesome!
Final Fantasy XIII
After Square Enix's contract with Sony expired, they promptly realized that the PS3 is shit and whored themselves out to Microsoft, deciding to bring their game to the 360 in the hopes of actually selling one copy. Lightning, the main character and luscious rapewhore, is Cloud's fraternal sister.
The murderous screams of the Sony fanboys rang throughout the internets.
The game will be released, sell millions, and he will never have sex. And no, that is not milk he is drinking. It's his own cum.
Advent Children
Square, the company that made Final Fantasy, have since realized that Final Fantasy VII was the only game that most people actually liked and have set about creating dozens of shitty spin-offs, the most expensive of these being Final Fantasy: Advent Children, a CGIed film set two years after Final Fantasy VII which completely fails to explain what the fuck was going on in that game.
In the two-hour film, Cloud gets into an argument with three faggy Sephiroth clones who were created purely for gross incestuous yaoi opportunities. They want to use Jenova cells to, er, murder the planet or something. And there's some kind of disease that's killing people. That might be connected somehow. Anyway, everyone gets in a big fight and lots of fanboys cream their pants when they see all their favorite characters rendered with more than five polygons each.
It should be noted that this film is total shit that only a weeaboo fangirl would love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrcYwLhx3EQ A summary of the movie's plot.
Advent Children - Parodies
SquareEnix did not want the public to see the real uncut version of Final Fantasy: Advent Children. It has been leaked by inside sources, and all the episodes can be viewed here:
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children, Parody - Episode 1
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children, Parody - Episode 2
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children, Parody - Episode 3
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children, Parody - Episode 4
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children, Parody - Episode 5
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children, Parody - Episode 6
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children, Parody - Episode 7
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children, Parody - Episode 8
- Final Fantasy: Advent Children - In a Nutshell
...why am I hungry all of a sudden?
Advent Children - Secret Scene
There is a secret scene in the DVD version in which hermaphroditic sex bomb Cloud McGlum admits that he is pregnant.
This proves something. No idea what. Maybe the Jenova cells in Cloud had some affect on his biological make up? Who knows? More importantly, who got him pregnant - and how much creepy unbirthing slashfic will result?
Gallery
 The Final Fantasy series is perhaps best known for its subtle dialog. |
 Typical random encounter. |
 Secret subquest. |
External links
See also
- Final Fantasy IV
- Final Fantasy VI
- Final Fantasy Tactics
- Final Fantasy VIII
- Final Fantasy XI
- Final Fantasy X-2
- Final Fantasy CLXIX
- Kingdom Hearts
- The World Ends With You
- The Moogle Cavern
- Aeris - Aeris dies lol
- Sephiroth
- Quest 64
- Helm
- Cactuar
- More insipid fanboyism
- Axelswife1 Notable horse-faced cosplayer
- Ondore
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Final Fantasy 7 is part of a series on Gaming. |
