Video Game Reviewers
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Because there are many video games out there,such as Pikmin, Mario, and Animal Crossing, some fucktards decided that writing and complaining about them was a good idea. So, video game reviewers were born. Of course, everybody decided to do it, making it unfunny.
Video Game reviews popped up from the glorified game advertisements one sees in a magazine like GameInformer, Nintendo Power, or on official websites like IGN and Gamespot. They also appear from the average gamers up on sites like GameFAQs and even IGN And Gamespot.
Video Games Reviews simply tend to be either praising everything about the game and giving it 10's all around. But the majority of them, thanks in no part to the success of SeanBaby, Zero Punctuation and the Angry Video Game Nerd are now negative in which the player either knocks-off one of the two or one of the very old pre-Angry Video Game Nerd review sites that simply reviewed bad games to make the reviewer laugh.
They are also often graded out of a scale of ten. In theory there are games that span all numbers of the scales but the only reviewers who actually dip below the "5" level are those reviewers on GameFAQs or referenced satirical reviewers.
A video game reviewer is a helpful tool in making a video game purchase - because only THEY can tell you which games to get. These are almost always the ones that they're paid to say good things about rather than those games you may enjoy better.
NEVER get anything below a seven. Those games are budget games and are crappy! There is no way you can enjoy them - just play more Halo. Oh wait, you don't like multiplayer, well the reviews said nothing about Single player so you're best off getting Final Fantasy. Oh wait you don't like RPGs....well tough luck pal, nothing other than those or Mario and Pokemon are above seven meaning nothing else is worth your time!
How to Identify a Video Game Reviewer on YouTube
Identifying one of these "reviewers" on YouTube is an unbelievably simple task that even a man of epic fail can identify with ease. Look for these signs in an acquaintance or relative, even you yourself, to properly identify them as this type of YouTube failure:
- No one likes you
- You get bullied frequently; even by the losers at school
- You have no life
- You are socially awkward
- You are asking for it
- You fancy yourself a comic genius
- You fancy yourself as a savior of mankind by doing ten minute run-throughs of old games
- You play nothing but old video games
- You play your old video games on an emulator
- You listen to DragonForce
- You have a collection of games and systems that rivals the book selection of the Richard Nixon Library
- You quote unfunny sitcoms and old memes for great justice
- You are a basement dweller
- You are a furry
- You have an account on DeviantArt
- You hold Japanese anime as the holy grail of the visual medium
- You are an avid fapper to Samus, Tifa or Amy Rose
- You are an asspie
- You have an ego the size of Montana
- You have Windows Movie Maker
- You like to go and fight e-wars for someone you don't even know
- You are prone to trolling
- You have pent up rage and have no other medium to unleash it
- You have a fifty-foot restraining order against any woman you come in contact with
- You like to bitch about Game Informer or other mainstream video game reviewing sites
- You bitch about how YouTube doesn't respect most game reviewers on their site
- You
YouTube video game reviewing in a nutshell...
How to Become a Video Game Reviewer on YouTube
If you or a relative identify with at least one of the traits above, then video game reviewing is just for you! Follow these easy steps to becoming one and you too will claim thousands of subscribers as your own.
Step One: Brainstorming
The first step is, obviously, to find your reviewing niche in this burgeoning movement. Old or new games? Sega or Nintendo? AVGN or Irate Gamer clone? Screaming banshee or socially aloof awkwardness? Unfunny or Unfunny? The choices can be daunting and at times stressful, but this process should take you no more than five minutes to figure out, as reviews on YouTube aren't about the pre-production process. They are about honest, non-biased reviews that serve as an alternative saying to the oppressive, corporate reviews of the evil mainstream sites on the internet.
The next logical step would be to name yourself as an original and innovative reviewer. If you have trouble with this step, this tool can help you out [1].
Step Two: The Tools
After you have figured out your course of action to conquer YouTube, you need to conjure the necessary tools in order to contribute to this movement. To review, you will need:
- An emulator of your system of choice (or, if you are indeed a l33t gamer, buy a GameBridge, connect it to your system of choice and your computer, and boast about owning such a readily available game system to the internet).
- A capturing device for the emulator. Even if you can't afford a gaming system or GameBridge, don't fear. Improvise with CamStudio, Unregistered Hypercam 2 or, if you don't feel like getting viruses on your run-of-the-mill Dell computer, just point your webcam at a portion of the computer screen. Remember, visual quality is not mandatory for reviewing. All that matters is that you are rebelling against the corporate machine. YouTube's going to butcher the visuals of your video anyway, so tell them to suck it.
- A microphone. Use a Radio Shack headset to emphasize the tinniness and awkward sound of your voice. Audio quality is also not important to reviewing games, either, so be sure to scream your voice box to death to gain the appreciation of YouTube.
Even if you can't afford a microphone, just use a text-to-speech mechanism or text via Windows Movie Maker to get your message across.
- An editor. Don't get into a panic about this, for every computer comes with either Windows Movie Maker or iMovie. No, you're not going to be doing any actual editing to cut out moments of stuttering, dead air or any other douchebaggery that comes out of your mouth. It would ruin the message you are trying to convey to the 'Tubes.
- A YouTube account. Pretty straightforward. Choose a hip and edgy name to become the envy of the internets in no time.
Step Three: Production
No, this isn't hard at all. all you have to do is this.
- Record the gameplay from the emulator while recording your vocals at the same time. One key word of advice in this regard is to never script your reviews. The only people who do this are sellouts who are in league with the evil of mainstream reviewing sites and believe in production quality and keeping their viewers interested in the product.
Only with a massive recording glitch should you ever think about re-recording your review. This helps to make the review more organic and honest.
- Import and export video out of WMM. An optional task; only if you wish to add text, combine vocals and video or, if you are daring, do a few minor edits to the video. YouTube has an option to upload webcam recordings straight to the site, so if this is the case, go straight to step four.
- Upload video to YouTube. Make sure to add keywords that are popular web hits but serve absolutely no purpose to identifying your video in order to maximize video and page views.
With these steps completed, you will have created a visual masterpiece that rivals such first-grade works of art such as these:
Please note that all of these videos are quite popular despite the fact that they are the equivalent of mass genocide. So even if your videos suck complete ass, users on the site will still love you. A common misconception is that you have to be talented to be popular on YouTube, but as many popular YouTube personalities and vloggers can tell you, talent is an unneeded ingredient for YouTube popularity. Sure, there will be haters, but they will be driven away by wave after wave of your future fanboys.
Step Four: ???
Step Five: PROFIT!
Congratulations! You have officially become a great reviewer on YouTube in league with the great champions such as those below. Feast on delicious foods, O glorious one, for you are now the splooge of Google's assbirth.
Forgettable Reviewers
AkewsticRockR
A youtube christian who breaks many of God's laws on a frequent basis and is clearly going to hell when he dies. AkewsticRockR is guilty of making a constant practice of the sins of pride, wrath, hypocrisy, homosexuality, lying, and not loving thy neighbors like he loves himself(and he loves himself a lot). Despite all this, AkewsticRockR is happy to preach to any and every person who says a single curse-word on youtube about their sins and how they are to be condemned for it.
AkewsticRockR's main hobbies include sucking up to Lisa Nova, criticizing everyone on youtube for being sinners (the majority of which are saints compared to AkewsticRockR), dissecting other users' videos (picking out the minutest and most insignificant of imperfections) and generally pointing out to everyone at any opportunity that he's now a "Youtube Partner".
AkewsticRockR started out on youtube by plagiarizing the Angry Video Game Nerd's TMNT review in a horribly unfunny, Christian BAWfest. His subsequent videos have proven equally talentless. He used to have Youtube warz with another basement dweller by the name of Undercoverfilmer00v, but UCF became butthurt from the constant bitching from AkewsticRockR and fucked off from Youtube, thus ending the lulz.
- He tried to start another war with SilentRob, who wasn't a pussy like UCF, so was doomed to fail. He'll also try to start a war with you, dare you criticize his video perfections!!!
- He tried to start another war with SilentRob, who wasn't a pussy like UCF, so was doomed to fail. He'll also try to start a war with you, dare you criticize his video perfections!!!
The Angry Video Game Nerd
Previously known as the Angry Nintendo Nerd, the AVGN arguably started the whole video game reviewer fad and is probably the most known of them all. But is now the internet's equivalent of The Simpsons: Stopped being funny several years ago, and seriously needs to fuck off.
The AVGN pretends to suck at games and then throws them out a window/does something unfunny. Known for a shitty theme song, cussing, and references to animals. He's also gone a bit shit in recent times due to him solely reviewing games of movie tie-ins.
The Nerd is also known for his limited vocabulary, including many classic quotes such as:
What a shitload of fuck!;
Cowafucking Piece of dog shit!;
Fuck this shit...;
Fuck!;
Shit!;
AASSS!;
FUUUCK!;
Damn!;
It sucking fucks, it fucking sucks, it's a piece of shit!, and I don't like it.
And pretty much every other swear word in the dictionary. All of which have since been stolen homaged by other video game reviewers to the point they're now cliché and completely lost all meaning.
Armake21 / NicotineAlien
Armake21, An overrated, 25-year-old virgin game reviewer who can't review for shit. He just attempts to swear at them for ten minutes in his wispy
Winnie the Pooh voice. Armake21's most recognizable feature is his uncanny talent of growing hair on the wrong side of his head.
Fagboys got butthurt when Armake21's account was mysteriously closed, and all videos were removed. It has been confirmed that his account has been closed by his slutty bitch of an ex himself in an emo sympathy vote.
His new account, NicotineAlien which still contains the same two year old reviews and constant empty threats of never doing any more reviews (in his favorite flavor, White text in an Impact font on a black background). Fanbois now wait for reuploads of his awesome game reviews so they can go back to jerking off to his older works instead of choking on Armake's cock. He's also making a movie "Armake21 vs Action52", he plans to release it in December of 2008.
ConsoleVania / VideoGaiden
(Left) Rab Florence
(Right) Ryan McCloud
ConsoleVania (otherwise known as VideoGaiden in it's watered down BBC guise) is a series presented by a pair of arrogant, pretentious, egocentric, self-obsessed Scottish twats, who unwarrantly proclaimed themselves to be the saviours of video gaming on the internet and British television, but ended up failing on a level of epic 9/11 proportions due to their own narcissism.
Presented by Robert Florence, The bastard love child of a shaved bear and Rab C. Nesbit, & Ryan McCloud, The stereotypical quieter, even less talented hanger-on. The two Jocks stumble around screen attempting to be funny in sketches, whilst occasionally reviewing a video game for 10 seconds with a slew of profanities when they can be bothered.
One day, some highly innovative BBC producer (whom, coincidentally turned out to be a friend) knocked on their door asking if they could air their quality entertainment on "BBC2 Scotland" at a time when everyone is in bed asleep (Sunday at midnight). Rab and Ryan's ego went through the roof proclaiming that their program would be the greatest gaming TV show on British Television since GamesMaster (which admittedly isn't that hard to so considering all gaming TV shows are shit anyway by default). Unfortunately, what they produced turned out to be a 30 minute sketch show of them desperately trying to be recognised as comedians and a foot-in-the-door on TV and completely ignored the fact that it was supposed to be a show that reviews video games.
- The BBC dumped them off regional television airwaves completely for the third series when they realised that it was genuinely shit, no-one watched it (not even Scottish insomniacs) & ran it on a tiny sub-section of their Scottish website instead. Rab and Ryan valiantly claimed that "TV is dead" in a poor measure to save face, days before the BBC pulled the plug all-together.
- Nowadays, Rab enjoys pointing out how much more talented he is compared to other video game reviewers and Gaming TV presenters to his small legion of ass-kissing fanboys on his forum, occasionally making a high quality video for YouTube that everyone watches, Whilst Ryan still hangs on to him like a dried piece of shit on a pubic hair.
- Undoubtedly one of his trolls will notice this article in due course, which'll make Rab go off on a butthurt rant all over again about how much better than everyone else he is.
TheGamingGoose
The Gaming Goose is a hard reviewer to explain, he's best described as a mass of blubber and beard all wrapped up in a T-Shirt that reviews NES games and cheap-o PS2 shit he finds in bargain bins.
He often talks about male penetrative sex in his reviews, but then moved onto making "Let's Plays", (which ironically, is even more fucking gay), Luckily, he has since come to his senses and has emerged as a legitimate troll of the video game community. His constant parodies of many reviewers has generated marginal amounts of lulz out of the situation, most notably when he recently attacked Armake21's arrogant, self-obsessed tl;dr comments on an, ironically, tl;dw video.
He is one of the more tolerable persons on this list, but that's like comparing smallpox to consumption.
GreatExpectations320
David "GreatExpectations320" Torok is the type of person that Encyclopedia Dramatica was made for. His videos and hurt ego proved that he is a wannabe emo, some preteen jew who doesn't know what he's talking about and thus is just another unfunny 13 year old youtube user who reviews 20 year old NES games that no one cares about. Embarrassing the video game community on a scale that wouldn't be emulated until Chadwardenn, he got PWNED by anyone of any sex, age, race, or creed within a 50 mile radius of an internet connection.
David "greatexpectations320" Torok has only a handful of fans, yet that's moar than enough to make him think that he's super popular and funny, therefore making him serious business. Greatexpectations320 thinks that the FBI is willing to stop fighting terrorists and drug smugglers and instead go hunt the mean people on the internet who make fun of him.
Greatexpectations 320 is a poster child for underage B@,as evidenced by any of his reviews or the videos he post where claims to be the best game reviewer of teh tubes
The Irate Gamer
Basically, just cut and paste exactly what's been said above about the Angry Video Game Nerd, as that's pretty much what The Irate Gamer does himself anyway.
Just read his article. ED has wasted too much webspace on the plagiarising cunt as it is.
The PissedOffVideoGamer
Rip-off of the Angry Video Game Nerd, a Russian immigrant, Uncle Fester look-a-like whose unbelievably fat and pokes at things with a little stick. Also mistakes multiple things for food. Closed down his account due to many YouTubers manning the harpoons and bracing themselves for impact. An account named PissedOffAngryGamer still has his Nintendo Gamecube review up for public view [[2]].
PlayItBogart / PiBhas5stars
The only game reviewer on YouTube to even cum close to the word decent, but he got suspended for "accidentally" posting vids of him having gay sex with his boyfriend. He then decided to post his vids on Revver How do we know this? Cuz this homo came back to YouTube and made another account (with another video) to let the world know his homosexuality. [3]
You can view PlayItBogart's New Youtube channel here.LOL Closed!!!!!
SashaNein / Still Gaming
SashaNein, (Also known as "Still Gaming") initially appears to to a sensible, rational human being, with well thought out video game reviews and agreeable points on mid-80's to early-90's technology, but instead turns out to be a complete and utter fucking nut-job wacko.
He suffers from a severe case of hypochondria, in his case a crippling stomach pain which makes him incapable of making reviews for months at a time, but bizarrely also allows him to make countless "vlogs" describing his symptoms constantly to gain sympathy votes.
When SashaNein's not making videos about his stomach illness, He enjoys taking it up the ass from PBC Productions and Classic Game Room as he can never get through one fucking video or paragraph without sucking up to them at least twice. (though being their bitch may actually explain his constant stomach pains).
SashaNein also is the only person on YouTube to suffer from pretend Lou Garrick's disease, as he has never appeared moving on screen, he's only seen in a collection of awkward poses to slightly lessen the monotony of his rants.
Spax3
Teh biggest Sonic fanboy in the entire internets. He recently became an hero closing his YouTube account because of cyberbullying. He wants 2 fuck Cream the Rabbitch cuz Spax3 iz a pedo, amirite? However, he's still making game reviews on his own website for all of his gaymer fans. But be warned, any mockery of him on the internets could result in legal action from his E-lawyer mother. He named his show CartoonNetwork ASN (A Shitty Network) to honor the original CartoonNetwork.
SpoonyOne
SpoonyOne is another run-of-the-mill video game reviewer on YouTube, but there is one big difference: he's actually funny. He started out as your typical YouTube reviewer, but emerged as a great with his effective trolling of the Final Fantasy community with his reviews bashing Final Fantasy VIII. As fanboys of the series were butthurt by these outright lies, it sparked wave after wave of lulzy comments and replies talking about how he's a /v/irgin that will never get laid. Despite this success, he has returned to his old style of troll-less reviewing.
A word of advice: Troll moar. Then you will become an winrar and indeed win the prize.
UrinatingTree
(Avatar - Never Seen IRL)
A horribly unfunny reviewer who's "persona" was just talking in an annoying voice and pointlessly screaming into a microphone expecting people to laugh.
The pathetic excrement of a man never showed his face, much to the benefit of the internets, but it can be said that he is probably a 500-plus-pound diabetic who quotes Family Guy like the Bible, has no friends, and guzzles sugar by the pound. Remember, this is merely a probably accurate guess of what he is, as he never revealed any personal info about himself (but considering his reviews were the equivalent of Warholian-esque fapping on a canvas, can you blame him?).
After months of stroking his ego and raping the ears of many a person, UrinatingTree saw the light; he realized his videos sucked so he deleted his account and all his videos in what was to be called V-T day. His fanbois bawwed until he made a TL;DR essay on why he fucked off. UrinatingTree basically said that he didn't want his "legacy" to be in those videos (i.e. his parents found out about his reviews and threatened most certain punishment if he didn't delete them). It is believed he became an hero shortly thereafter as his computer was probably taken away from him.
WizWar100 / LazyWorkCreations
Commonly known in the trade as a U.F.O. (An Unfunny Fucker Online) WizWar100 is an extremely untalented chink immigrant, who mixes his time of reviewing video games that the Angry Video Game Nerd or Armake21 have already covered with chopping up the neighbors Alsations for his parents sweat shop Chinese Take Away.
Now called "LazyWorkCreations" (should have been LazyWOKCreations Amirite?) because the stupid bastard forgot his old Youtube password, he now fills his account with Q&A's that contain answers to questions noone asked, videos of his friends at college getting pissed off with a slitty-eyed fucker shoving a camera in their face constantly and clips of him playing Beta/Demo versions of PS3 games because his immigrant welfare check won't cover a full game.
You can view WizWar's old youtube channel here
Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw
Although not the same kind of game reviewer as the above, he still deserves a mention for being such a (as other Britfags would call him) southern twat.
Basically, take your most pompous and egotistical Britfag, make a bunch of MS Paint slides, have him talk over them, speed up the audio, and you have instant comedy gold. Think the AVGN except with a few more brain cells, no access to a video camera, and reviewing new games instead of old ones. He used to review fairly poor games, but now has taken it upon himself to troll the easily upset fanboys of recent and over-hyped games like Halo 3, Smash Brothers Brawl, and Metal Gear Solid 4. He has also called out Tim Buckley on occasion (like anybody has not done that before) for his faggotry. V/ has a love/hate relationship with him, and the board will often be split if he reviews a game they like (or used to like after watching his review on it because they can be easily lead).
Yahtzee's latest venture is a car crash of a TV pilot by the name of GameDamage. A show that couldn't be more tragic than if it consisted of the Taliban flying Princess Diana's funeral procession escorted by a bus full of blind orphans into the World Trade Center on 9/11.
Even More Forgettable Reviewers
Darknessthecurse
A graduate of the UrinatingTree School of Reviewing, this man manages to somehow make the aforementioned failure seem superior. His main "skill" is a scream that can make your ears bleed in 3.4 seconds flat. Unsurprisingly, this man has thousands of subscribers at his beck and call, as the people who follow this stuff on YouTube travel in packs.
Game Zone
(Left) Carl "Slammer" Joseph
(Right) "Liam the Great" Farrell
Originally inspired to make a video game internet show by Gamelife, The creators of Game Zone somehow managed to create a show that's even more retarded.
Presented by an emo nigger with a speech-impediment and a fat goth wrestling fan, two ex-presenters of a British satellite channel that no one ever watched (that they also did for free), the two morons stumble around screen attempting to review games in a professional manner, but ending up with epic lulz to be had all-round.
The show reached mini-meme levels when UK Resistance discovered their pilot for the internet series, (then called the even more retarded GamerWeb 2.0) and loled at the fact they couldn't spell "Eye" correctly and assumed having a sock reviewing video games in a high-pitched voice was a good idea.
Their infamy fame turned them into such egotistical assholes, that they think TV companies want to snap up their idea for a gaming show.
Geoff Mendicino / FreezeCrackerFun
Geoff Mendicino, an unfunny mentally deranged cunt, fuck-nut spic, whose sole aim in life is to make videos of him team-killing 13 year old boys on Xbox Live and having anal sex with a Pikachu doll.
Originally a member of the retard fuck-fest that was GameLife, he ironically went on to make a website even more retarded called TheGameBoys and then FreezeCracker.com when Youtube B& his shitty trolling exploits.
Needs to die of Super AIDS and Mega Cancer and become An Hero
Furious Famicom Faggot
A half-hearted attempt by Shmorky to parody the then-emerging video game reviewing movement on YouTube, we can only dream of what could have been. Despite having the potential to harvest great lulz out of the subgenre, it only ended up being a moment of great fail and reinforced how unfunny Something Awful is. The character was killed off after several episodes due to this obvious reason.
Futuramaooy
An irritating, curly haired kangaroo fucker, whose whole pathetic, sad little life evolves around posting hate videos about the Irate Gamer (whom clearly doesn't give a fuck about as he's never had them removed), posting boring fucking videos about how great Megaman is, as well as other shitty NES games no-one gives a fuck about & sucking Ben Croshaw's cock.
Next time Britain decides to deport their criminal scum out to the colonies, they might want to consider having them spayed first, as to avoid inbred abomination's such as Futuramaooy.
Gaming in the Clinton Years / Navgtr
"Gaming in the Clinton Years"
Jack Thompson's attempt in the 1990's to become a legitimate video game critic. These videos are best described as a combination of epic fail and inadvertent lulziness. In these "reviews," Jack discusses his brilliant video game ideas, such as giving Lara Croft breast cancer, driving the speed limit while taking a woman to the labor ward, and playing as a batshit insane lawyer who must defend himself for mailing gay porn to a judge.
These videos were seen by the National Academy of Video Game Testers and Reviewers and were picked up by this prestigious organization. It is unknown if this was done for the lulz, but considering the "academy" was created by a bunch of old men and women, it probably was for not.
The Sega Kid
One of the first sorry souls to emerge from the Angry Video Game Nerd's womb, the Sega Kid epitomized everything that is wrong with video game reviewing on YouTube. In a banner of fail, the Sega Kid managed to piss off both haters of video game reviewers and the staunchest of rant-through supporters alike with his now infamous "reviews" of Mortal Kombat 3 and WWF No Mercy among others. Due to this overwhelming amount of deserved hate, the Sega Kid released half the number of reviews he had dissing his haters for not understanding his well-refined humor and gaming expertise.
He has since retired and is now releasing videos commentating on professional wrestling.
Sizzler07 / VIB113
A basic-level troll who used the once-lambasted work of a fat 12-year-old asspie to mimic Chadwardenn, thus duping the easily-trolled video game reviewer community on YouTube.
He rose to unexpected fame and infamy after Armake21 bashed his "review" of Contra. As thousands watched this video, it spawned a frenzy of lulz not seen since the aforementioned Chadwardenn, as it took a fraction of the video game community months to figure out he merely reuploaded someone else's work. Even today, most people will still say that Sizzler's work is authentic. With his purpose served, Sizzler07 closed his account, serving the lulz with minimal effort, but with great honor.
Undercoverfilmer00v
Skyscraper-high egotistical and batshit insane YouTube reviewer who was best known for reviewing games with a paper bag over his head and released epic 45-minute reviews analyzing every aspect of the game. He went to film school, so he fancied himself far superior than any other reviewer out there, even the AVGN. He was so egotistical that he compared his reviews to "works of film".
He also released a series of level run-throughs showing his gaming skill playing Goldeneye with no weapons on 007 mode.
After a lulzless e-war with AkewsticRockR, the Undercoverfilmer put his page on lockdown and hasn't released anything since, constantly bashing his fanbase in the process.
Others
See Also
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Video Game Reviewers is part of a series on Gaming. |
