Newgrounds

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THE HASIDIC HANGOUT


Pick Your Flavor of Failure

The quintessence of Jewgrounds Membership.
The quintessence of Jewgrounds Membership.

Created by Eric Bauman in 1995, JEWGROUNDS, in its strictest sense, is a website on the Internets that hosts at least 1,000,000 horribly drawn hentai Flash movies and games where robots wage war against fruit (it's been blammed).

Members are referred to as NGers, pronounced niggers, or JGers, pronounced Jiggers. The website is based in Pennsylvania and is run by the aforementioned fag known as Eric Bauman and his killjoy brother Wadolf, both of whom along with the majority of the community make flashes about cocks, gay jokes, and sexual exploration with anal-dildo stimulation, all performed in the mistaken idea that for every homosexual comment one makes, another heterosexual point is added to one's personal scoreboard. In reality, the opposite is true, and by extension of this, all Newgrounds users are irretrievably flamboyant in regards to their orientation. This fact is evidenced here.

This site is also notable for its amazingly high degree of officially-sanctioned faggotry, ambiguously-gendered "females", barrel-scrapingly subpar Forum Moderators, and in general, users who think they're attractive, but by no means should be given the ability or impetus to procreate.[1][2]

History of Jewgrounds

The history of Jewgrounds is often divided into three primary subcategories, and is delineated below.

The Lulz Era (1995-2004)

In the beginning, Jewgrounds was a contributor to the AYB phenomenon; one of the first memes.
In the beginning, Jewgrounds was a contributor to the AYB phenomenon; one of the first memes.

Jewgrounds in its earliest form was little more than a self-glorifying project designed by Eric Bauman (see the Administrator section below). Before 4chan, before Myspace, this now-hopelessly polluted cesspool of a site began life as a pristine pond; a purveyor of purest, holiest lulz, nearly a full decade before the concept was even imagined and mass-produced. To say that Bauman invented internet lulz is to stretch reality, but suffice it to say that among the earliest dispensers of e-justice, Bauman was a noble sheriff of the law.

During the late '90s, Bauman thoroughly pwned several faceless corporate entities with what would now be considered low-brow and halfhearted attempts at humor, ie Teletubby Fun Land, which isn't really funny at all, and looks like complete shit. Nonetheless, Bauman learned that through his shittiness, he could do some serious fucking IRL Trolling, and managed to raise the ire of many an executive at the BBC, as well as one infamous, middle-aged, angry female media-whore known as "Penny Bain, righteous crusader for all things unlulzy."

But Bauman's most important e-exploit was certainly the seminal and highly-offensive homage to Columbine, known as Pico's School, which managed to get him b& from almost every seriousfag memorial website dedicated to this or that contributor to the high-score count that was reached on that April 20th, 1999, and wouldn't be broken for another seven years. In this way, Bauman was way ahead of his time, and would have done well to pack it up and quit while he was ahead. But Bauman tasted the bittersweet nectar of money that he had just finished parodying, and was smitten by its power.

During this time, Jewgrounds grew from a minor operation of basement dwellers to a legitimate business, much to the chagrin of the first wave of no-lifers (henceforth referred to as originals) who made up the better part of the Jewgrounds userbase at that time.

The Imaginary Wars Era (2004-July 17th, 2007)

When the constituents of your site look like this, there may be a problem.
When the constituents of your site look like this, there may be a problem.
Krade's Exception to Banaan's Law becomes the prevailing reality on a Jewgrounds obsessed with e-rep.
Krade's Exception to Banaan's Law becomes the prevailing reality on a Jewgrounds obsessed with e-rep.
Dispensing life advice becomes a fad on the Jewgrounds BBS.
Dispensing life advice becomes a fad on the Jewgrounds BBS.
Major cause of epileptic fits on Jewgrounds during the Imaginary Wars Era.
Major cause of epileptic fits on Jewgrounds during the Imaginary Wars Era.

By 2004, Jewgrounds was embroiled in a debacle that would signify the beginning of its new era. When now-notorious fatty Gary Brolsma felt it would be an excellent idea to parade his rolls of subhuman fat around the once-lulz-inspiring halls of Jewgrounds, a new debate arose between the tiny population of original basement dwellers, who were obsessed with the constant generation of new lulz, and would eventually come to reinforce the ranks of 4chan, and the new basement dwellers, who were the precursors of the JewTube-esque userbase that is in place on Jewgrounds today. The debate centered on whether or not Jewgrounds should be allowed to drown in a pool of its own decayed shit, as the new users believed was only right and just.

Obviously, the originals left Jewgrounds, realizing the impending shittiness that was threatening to overcome a site now dominated in sheer numbers, by sensitive and soft users, most of whom had never laid eyes on even a piece of goatse-inspired masterpiece photography, and most of whom were progressively losing any sense of humor to moralfaggotry, and other corruptive diseases to the arteries of the site.

In the originals' wake, was left a path of destruction and idiocy. Seeking to bridge the gap between what was lost and the contemporary state of affairs, Jewgrounders started to become irrationally obsessed with one particular moral cause. For some of them, a mild anger would have been justifiable, but for most, the simmering hatred aroused was completely ridiculous and unparalleled even in the more recent history of Jewgrounds. Tom Fulp, operator of eBaums, stood accused of pilfering flash directly from Jigger "artists" without first paying royalties or earning permissions.

While it was true that Fulp performed this act, Jewgrounders' subsequent demonization, of eBaums was quite ridiculous, especially considering that 99.9% of the users who claimed to hate the man were bystanders who had never been the victim of theft, and who had no real reason to care, other than a faddish desire to appear as a righteous crusader, an ironic parallel to Penny Bain, above section, who was also a righteous crusader, for a similar moral reason. As a result of this artificial rivalry, recognized by nobody beyond the padded rooms of Jewgrounds's BBS, the odd sense of hatred spread to encompass any site that might be seen as even a remote challenge to Jewgrounds's supremacy; YTMND, and later 4chan were demonized in a similar manner. But bizarrely enough, despite their outward façade of hatred, and frequent accusations of conspiracy, Jewgrounders seemed to seek only acceptance from these sites, who barely acknowledged the existence of Jewgrounds:

 
“ 		 
Are you saing your not a true member. Are you one of those Chan members trying to infiltrate your way up the ranking system? Oh and we are stupid fuckers, right? I mean, we were only able to find out their entire plan. That takes a really stupid person.
  		„
 

—Jigger, completely convinced that 4chan is planning to raid his website, but not realizing that nobody fucking cares about Jewgrounds.

These years were blissfully happy for the majority of the Jewgrounds populace. Unable to detect the seismic shifts that were preparing the way for the next startling era in Jewgrounds's history, they were ignorant and staunchly clinging to what they believed were their moral imperatives, but which were actually the beginnings of a totalitarian regime that was a complete reversal of the original principles on which Jewgrounds was based: celebration of lulz.

In 2006, in the midst of the Imaginary Wars Era, a few prescient users foresaw the coming destruction of the Anti-Lulz era that was threatening to break the wall of security that they had enjoyed for so long, as Eric began to announce the coming OMG REDESIGN that so many regulars thought would completely rejuvenate Jewgrounds after the somewhat disappointingly-unproductive Imaginary War Era. These users banded together and wrote a lulzy and truthy account of the pitiable nature of the Jewgrounds populace during this time:

DELICIOUS COPYPASTA
FACT: JEWGROUNDS WAS FUNNY when we were all twelve, living in the suburbs, listening to linkin park, and watching dragonball z, drinking pepsi, while playing halo co-op on the easiest setting, during which we consumed doritos and looked at paintball guns on ebay in internet explorer connected through aol on a 56k modem, before hopping into our balding fathers' latest midlife-crisis-impulse-sponsored japanese-built suv, to head to the mall to procure more skateboarding shoes, third-rate irregular levis, and mountain-bike parts, before heading home, voting democrat and masturbating to the latest sears catalog, while huffing paint in our garages before talking to pedophiles on aim, pretending to be whatever camwhore we'd just finished ranting about on myspace, with a matrix quote/anime character name/triple six-asterisk-parentheses-surrounded screenname firmly in tow, before heading to our supposedly "good school" in the morning to buy more pot to smoke during our counter-strike lan party with jimmy and the rest of the gang, taking ritalin, adderall and prozac eight times a day, and at the same time taking a casual pass at local, state or national governmential figures, legislatures, or structures, to appear edgy and intelligent in front of our budweiser-sneaking, limp-wristed, near-to-columbine-sociopathic "deep" friends who started to play the victim card as soon as they started losing arguments, which coincidentally, was six days before their botched suicide attempt, made simply because school tramp number twelve wouldn't go underneath the cum- and sweat-stained bleachers with them, thereby precluding the possibility of them getting to second base before their thirteenth birthday rolled around, after which point ridicule from other insecure, like-minded, and equally virgin thirteen year-olds could be virtually assured.

The Anti-Lulz Era (July 17th, 2007-Present)

On July 16th, 2007 the site experienced a 'big' redesign with features such as "New Emoticons" (Happy Face, Sad Face, Angry Face), Secret Items (actual screenshot of "secrets"... one has to wonder how Eric's father feels about his son's late-onset prostitution fetish), level icons (including a half-naked male body, golden-tan and glistening with sweat), auras (including the meaning-laced "Fab" aura), and blogs as part of the userpage package (a prime example of which can be found on the userpage of the intellectual heavyweight known as "TheButt"). This event marked the end of the Imaginary Wars Era, and few today even possess a memory of the time before this cataclysmic event took place.

Since the inception of the much-lauded "Redesign" of the website, a general decline, if that description is even applicable to a site that consistently demonstrates its ability to find new depths of oblivious idiocy, has occurred amongst both the user base of this decidedly-virgin populace and the features of the site itself. These new features include, but are not limited to: Weeaboo pandering, copiously-sprinkled penis jokes, and a forum that steadily delves into lower cesspools with each passing "Pee in your sink!" thread, "Rate my [hallucinatory] Girlfriend!" thread, or even the occasional, but obligatory "Announcement of Impotency" thread.

The increasing Nazism of Administrators and Moderators (see sections below "Administration," "BBS→Moderators," and "BBS→Community Members→Corrupt Administrator" for moar info) has even caused a downward spiral of idiocy in the Forums, which were already polluted during the Imaginary War Era with disgruntled moralfags.

All of this is damning proof that Eric cares little about what his site used to stand for (angst-ridden teens bent on having a good time at school?), and would now prefer to change it into a Gaiaspace clone-cum-Faggot Hang-Out ($$$$) rather than clean out the nobly-named "Kitty Krew" flash group's incredibly thought-provoking analysis of the human condition. It's been a long road from passable social critique to active encouragement of Anti-Lulz in the post-redesign era, but what's become clearer than ever in the past two years is that this cesspool of cowshit sure as fuck isn't getting any shallower.

Administration The Flash Portal The B.B.S Also, Cocks Periodic Table Updates

Creators / Proprietors / Rapists

The Many Unsightly Faces of Jewgrounds Administration

Who, you might inquire to the empty room of people who care, is the party responsible for the creation of this haven of idiocy, where only the most deluded, secluded and excluded work hard to make sure that when they colluded with each other, it was all towards the intention of keeping precluded the ignorant denuded while they brooded? None other than one ERIC BAUMAN, a Jew who currently resides in Pennsylvania. Click the expansion joints below in order to LERN MOAR, BECOME EDUMACATED, and GIT SKOOLED, respectively, about the founder of Jewgrounds and his accomplices.
Bauman's Sexually-Motivated Diet Bauman's Fetish-Inspired (and Illegal) Antics The Sullen Apostles of Eric the Prophet

Eric ingesting his feces.
Eric ingesting his feces.
Eric, posing before his Senior Sex Slaves inside of the famed Sex Bungalow.
Eric, posing before his Senior Sex Slaves inside of the famed Sex Bungalow.
Wadolf, frustrated by his inability to contribute anything positive to the world.
Wadolf, frustrated by his inability to contribute anything positive to the world.
Alone, Bauman bears the responsibility for building this ever-deepening cesspool of unlulziness. His myriad hobbies include, interestingly, a new "diet" in which he ingests exclusively his own feces, often in the form of a Excrement Burrito; he deems this to be a healthy and ecologically friendly activity. Despite his claims that this activity is completed in the name of better health and sustainability, it is widely assumed that Eric bears the infamous shit-fetish gene. Salmonella, he reasons, can get fucked, along with the many fecal bacteria particles that he slides gently and erotically down his throat on a daily basis.

When, sometimes, Bauman discovers that feeding upon his feces is not quite enough of a turn on to induce a full orgasm, it quickly becomes necessary for him to find a new outlet for sexual frustration. In this manner, he quickly became enamored with the process of stalking old men, and slipping them date-rape drugs at just the opportune moment, before kidnapping them without consent, leading them to his secret underground Glenside, Pennsylvania Sex Bungalow (conveniently located beneath Jewgrounds HQ) and forcing them to participate in acts of fellatio for his own sadistic personal amusement. He rarely, of course, participates in the act. In solidarity with the millions of 13 year old boys who love every inch of his website, Bauman resolutely only masturbates to the scenes of elderly homosexual debauchery that occur so frequently in the favorite room of his dungeon, seeking to better understand the plight of his most ardent patrons.

For the reasons stated above, Bauman's supply of semen is generally far too depleted by the time his wife April greets him at the communal shack with dial-up internet access that serves as his abode. Thus, in a way much akin to his fanbase, Bauman is rarely if ever able to indulge his hairy and sweaty 30-year-old body in the evolutionary carnal lust of actual sex. Now that's dedication.

Of course, with all the attention Eric receives on the site, his brother Wadolf can't help but feel left out. Being a low-grade employee of one's own sibling has the effect of making one's prospects for financial success and fulfillment seem further away than Uranus. This coupled with a seacow of a wife and literally having to liaise with 13 year-olds every waking hour of the day has caused this unfortunate soul to retreat within himself into a self-imposed cocoon of anguish and Jew-hatred. He releases that tension in the only way he sees fit: putting on a cosplay wig, and whoring it up in front of a webcam. He also uses his flashlight collection as masturbation objects.

In addition to Wadolf, an entire cast of faggots have over the years joined in the circlejerk of site maintainers. Now an equal-opportunity employer, Jewgrounds is run by a diverse array of Nazis, Jews, Britfags, Mexifags, Canadians, and Amerifags, all of them bent on making the site as useless and unfunny as is possible on a limited budget.

Below, in order of appearance from left to right, are TOP ROW: Eric Bauman (Official Creator, Rapist, and Mascot), Wadolf (Chronic underachiever, Nazi ambitions), Stamper (Responsible for phallic tributes in the Art Forum), JohnnyUtah (Creator of unfunny flash animations which primarily showcase dick jokes), MindChamber (Robot-obsessed Mexifag), and Rob (Site programmer and ladies' man). BOTTOM ROW: liljim (Britfag and all-around lameshit), Tim (Perpetually angry server operator), Bob (Duck-obsessed CSS nerd), Mike (Do-nothing ginger), PsychoGoldfish (Creator of pedophile chat-room services).

Image:Thomas_Fulp.pngImage:Wadolf_Fulp.pngImage:Will_Stamper.pngImage:Jeff_JohnnyUtah.pngImage:MindChamber.pngImage:Rob_Rosenbaum.png
Image:Liljim.pngImage:Timothy.pngImage:Bob_Jewgrounds.pngImage:Mike_Welsh.pngImage:PsychoGoldfish.png

The Flash Portal

The ever-declining quality of Flash Portal submissions and the voters who view them
The ever-declining quality of Flash Portal submissions and the voters who view them
An orgy of the Jewgrounds sophisticate.
An orgy of the Jewgrounds sophisticate.

The Newgrounds Flash Portal is the access point to the site's archives of Flash movies and games. There are few places on the internets which blatantly condone such levels of stupidity as are encouraged here, at what is essentially Jewgrounds's "claim to fame," the point of origination of such timeless classics as AGNRYMAN ANTICS (in which a clearly irate fellow prances around an animated city, eventually stealing a dildo from a store and sodomizing himself), Freezepop's JEM (in which a 13 year old Jewgrounds user gyrates seductively to a song by a group of homosexuals, and the unforgettable Pico's School (a late-nineties tribute to Columbine, of rather dubious intentions).

Pico's School was one of the first cartoons showcased on the website, as it was created by Eric Bauman himself, when young Eric was a Disturbed Loner in the days before Jewgrounds' popularity level was over 9000. In his angst-filled formative years, Eric espoused communist ideas -- much to the chagrin of his Nazi worshipping elder brother -- and believed in the ability of all people to have an equal amount of space in which to be as stupid as is possible. Thus, Eric was inspired to create (along with the existing Flash Portal) a Voting System and a Review System, in the ultimate trifecta of idiocy.

These days, though, the Flash Portal is a wholly different beast. It is governed largely by Flash groups, such as the intellectually active Barney Bunch, Lock Legion and Clock Crew, who are likely to submit anywhere from at least 100 to over 9000 Flash animations on a daily basis, each one lowering the bar just a little bit more on the creativity scale. Each of these crews, of course, has a dedicated fanbase and even legitimate websites to coordinate their efforts through, often teaming up to produce steaming piles of excrement, unidentifiable as anything resembling entertainment.

Because of the large followings of these Flash groups, it was quickly ascertained by the leaders of the groups that it would behoove them and their inevitable descendants to establish their groups' reputations as circle jerks of unfunniness. Thus, they decreed that all members of their groups were, as a condition of membership, required to VOET FIEV and RAET TEN on all Flash movies and games submitted by members of their respective groups, no matter how bad the quality.

This was exacerbated by Eric Bauman's official recognition of an annual "Clock Day,"[3][4] [5][6] whereby hundreds of Flash "artists" submit hundreds of Flash "artworks" of terrible quality - all of them involving characters central to the "Clock Crew" cause, and all of them being easily saved from "blamming" by orgasming Clock Crew members, eager to proliferate their own shittiness, which has existed and been expanded significantly since the group's founding in 2001.

Voting System Review System Teddy Spam War Other Trolls "Blammed" Achieve #1 All-Time

Voting System

Don't be fooled! 0 and 5 are the only buttons that work!
Don't be fooled! 0 and 5 are the only buttons that work!

The ranking score of each Flash movie and game in the hierarchy of shit, is determined by how highly users rate it. There is a choice of two ratings a viewer can bestow upon Newgrounds movies: 0 and 5. There are also buttons for 1, 2, 3 and 4 but one would have to be a faggot to actually deem a flash somewhere between perfect and total shit.

HINT: There are many surefire ways to make the Jewgrounds public adore your effort as much as or EVEN MORE THAN an average Clock Crew or Barney Bunch submission, but none are more effective that these: an ideal way to inspire the masses to give your Flash effort a FIVE is to haphazardly throw in a bunch of stick figures killing and/or sodomizing each other over a Papa Roach song, as well to include any or all of the words "Sonic," "Mega Man," "Penis" or "X" in the title.

Alternatively, one could reupload the exact same animation 42 times and call it a "series". Ex.

The Review System

Image:Dumbass reviews.jpg
In a few words, the Flash Portal Review experience.
In a few words, the Flash Portal Review experience.

Flash reviews operate on a similar basis as the VOET FIEV system, except that scores can go up to 10 instead of 5. Once again, and this cannot be stressed enough, YOU SHOULD ONLY EVER GIVE A FLASH EITHER 0 OR 10. Doing anything else would be a terrible waste of voting power.

You should also make certain you swear as much as you can and always proofread your review to ensure that it's spelled as poorly as humanly possible. Using all caps is also a guaranteed way to get noticed.

  • Actual User-Generated Reviews

<center>

 
“ 		 
YOU FUCKING DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING ASSHOLE!
Fuck, that was some of the sickest piece of mthrfcking shit I ever saw! You got NO sense of humor you bitch! This ain't like a litlle destructibe, It's fucking revolsing!
Overall score: 0
  		„
 

 
“ 		 
That show was reaaaaaalllllyyy FUNNY!
Way didnt sye pik cell it is a good fighter!
Overall score: 10
  		„
 

 
“ 		 
Fix yout flash
Need do fix your portal
Overall score: 2
  		„
 

Image:Holyfuckingshitwhatatwistedfuck.png

</center>

But every so often, a user will take it upon himself to crawl and claw his way beyond the humble expectations of stupidity that are a given when reviewing a piece of Flash on Jewgrounds. And if one was to see such a review as that, one would smile and think it a great leap forward for a website famous for great leaps backwards.

And then one would glance at the flash that was under scrutiny, and one would weep with sorrow for the reduction of all expectations to exactly the same point as when the whole ordeal had begun: Before one's tear-streaked face, a six-paragraph opus to the letter "B".

  • The Infamous B Review

 
“ 		 
Absolutely brilliant.

When looked upon by inexperienced critiques, one might wonder why such a work of art deserves a high score. But, if one looks in depth and with a high degree of intellectual insight, we can see exactly what makes this work brilliant. My interpretation of the piece, as follows, regarding the very structure and sustenance in which art like this thrives; will be -- I believe, revealing to those that fail to understand the beauty of the B.

The first thing that strikes me as I look upon the B is that one notices it is not quite to the centre of the canvas -- in fact, the B is maligned and off-kilter, slightly to the upper left of the centre of the piece. I believe that this was done on purpose to convey the underlying theme of the piece, that of chaos and unorthodoxy, that of irreverence and rebellion. The artist is trying to convey the message that our world is not perfect, that each one of the many peoples of this earth must work together for a humane, constructive effort to ensure the betterment of our civilization, and our future.

This theme is predominately reflected by the simple choice of colour for the B, that of a pure, mathematically perfect red. When viewing the piece, the average audience member might simply interpret red as fury, anguish, and aggression. But, due to the exact and calculated nature of the red used in this work, I offer that it portrays itself moreover as knowing and confident, acting out of will and intellect, not arrogance and bravado. This is where the genius of the artist comes out, that such as rebellious and vulgar colour can be seen as precise, and civilized.

As for the white background, one might interpret it as more of a clear, sterile, and forced utopia. I recall images of Huxley's and Zamyatin's nightmares as they reflect upon the background. It portrays the B, almost as a lone child wandering off into the wilderness, being pushed to perform inhumane tasks by his cruel masters. The emptiness and lack of conscience is contrasted by the will and soul of the B. A nightmare indeed, but one that haunts us all.

When we notice that the choice of the letter, B, out of all twenty-six in the English alphabet was chosen, we must wonder why. Before I get into that, let me offer some rationale and evidence from further examination of the B itself. When looking at the typeface, we immediately realise that it is of a serif font, most likely Times New Roman or Bookman Antiqua. We also notice that the B is a capital B, not a lowercase one. Thus, I suggest that this implies a struggle for power and control, over the most likely antagonist: A. Because of its Roman nature and status, we assume that the B is of a high-rank lieutenant in some corporate atmosphere, but has the desire and will to become the very best, to overthrow the A and in turn, become first. B does not settle for second place. B does not accept anything other than perfection. B is disgusted by the corruption and inability to function by A, and B plots to end the reign of the A. This is the horrible truth, the truth that all of us hold true. For yet, life is only a struggle for more and more power, control, and wealth.

This is but my interpretation. Yet, I would argue that many more would hold this opinion as well. Although close to perfection, I do not believe that this work deserves a perfect ten for a few reasons. Despite its succinct and flawless simplicity, it lacks of literary elements that give more power and gusto to the artist's voice. Though violins and cellos alike can perfect a string quartet, the clarinet is left in the dark, as its own timbre holds back its performance. Though this work is like the clarinet, struggling to match the power of the strings, it does come very, very close. Though, through wavering willpower and diminishing strength, it does not achieve the goal it set out to reach. But in effect, I bow to the beauty and elegance that enriches the entire performance, for it is this work of art that truly dominates the entire concert. Overall score: 10


 

„
 

—An actual review of the letter B.


STRAWBERRYCLOCK'S B
The avante-garde, single-frame, "masterpiece":


The Teddy Review Spam War

Recently, a group of retards and fags emigrated from JewTube and began to spam the Newgrounds Flash review boards with the same tired copypasta review, over and over again:

 
“ 		 
Hi, I am Teddy. Once you read this you cannot get out. Finish reading this until it is done! As I said, I am Teddy. I am 7 years old. I have no eyes and blood all over my face. I am dead. If you don't send this to at least 12 people I will come to your house at midnight and I'll hide under your bed. When you're asleep, I'll kill you. Don't believe me?
  		„
 

It goes on for over 9000 paragraphs of spam before ending. These reviews should have been deleted, but Eric Bauman, being the Jew faggot wanna-be-nigger he is, has not deleted any of these reviews and actually disabled his mods from doing shit about it until a few months after it started. Because of this, a bunch of fag users began freaking out about it, causing mass chaos on the portal and leading to Bigbadron killing a negro. As a result of seeing all this go down, ED is now asking you all to add to the super lulz by spamming the entire Teddy review (found at the flash links below) a couple billion times to piss off the meatspin lovers on Jewgrounds.

Look for the full "Teddy" review to copy and paste in your own malicious reviews of EVERY SINGLE FLASH in Jewgrounds history to piss the off the virgins who have nothing else to do but read through Flash reviews on Jewgrounds all day.

  • The Full Teddy Review Text

Hi, I am Teddy. Once you read this you cannot get out. Finish reading this until it is done! As I said, I am Teddy. I am 7 years old. I have no eyes and blood all over my face. I am dead. If you don't send this to at least 12 people I will come to your house at midnight and I'll hide under your bed. When you're asleep, I'll kill you. Don't believe me?

  • Case 1:

Patty Buckles Got this e-mail. She doesn't believe in chain letters. Well, Foolish Patty. She was sleeping when her TV started flickering on and off. Now she's not with us anymore. Ha ha patty, Ha ha! You don't want to be like Patty, do you?

  • Case 2:

George M. Simon Hates chain mail, but he didn't want to die that night. He sent it to 4 people. Not good enough George. Now, George is in a coma, we don't know if he'll ever wake up. Ha ha George, Ha ha! Now, do you want to be like George?

  • Case 3:

Valarie Tyler She got this letter. Another chain letter she thought. Only had 7 people to send to. Well, That night when she was having a shower she saw bloody Mary in the mirror. It was the BIGGEST fright of her life. Valarie is scarred for life.

  • Case 4:

Derek Minse This is the final case I'll tell you about. Well, Derek was a smart person. He sent it to 12 people. Later that day, he found a $100.00 bill on the ground. He was premoted to head officer at his job and his girlfriend said yes to his purposal. Now, Katie and him are living happily ever after.The have 2 beautiful children.

Send this to at least 12 people or you'll face the consequences.

0 people- You will die tonight

1-6 people- you will be injured

7-11 people- you will get the biggest fright of your life

12 and over- you are safe and will have good fortune!

Do What Teddy Says!!!! Hurry, you must send to 12 people before midnight

tonight
In fact, now that its full text is available here on ED, you have no excuses not to waste several fruitless hours of your life relentlessly posting the review into every single Jewgrounds submission, evar. Get to work, faggot.

Other Trolls

In addition to Teddy, "Sarah" spam reviews have also begun to clog up the Jewgrounds Servers, as well as many other long, and unintelligible chain letters from people who actually believe the stupid shit that's been written in the letters.

  • The Full Sarah Review Text

SCARY WAY TO BREAK UP!!!!! DO NOT stop reading this or something bad will happen!!!!!!!! One day, Sarah was walking home from school when her boyfriend drove by and honked at her to get in. She got in his car and he drove her to the lake. Her boyfriend said he was going to tell her something very important. Sarah could have sworn he was going to propose. However, he flicked her off, pushed her in the lake and yelled, "I am breaking up with you, you awful ........!! I hate you and I think that maybe you should just end your .............. life! DUMB ............ ........!!!" He laughed and drove off. It was a very cold day. Sarah climbed out of the lake, freezing cold, and feeling the worst she had in her entire life. She got home went in a hot bath, and slit her wrists and died in the bathtub. Her parents yelled and screamed at her to get out until they finally broke the door down. They saw no body, but the entire bathroom was dripping with her blood. Her mom went insane and killed herself three days later, her dad is in prison, accused of murder. Later that week, Sarah's exboyfriend was taking a shower when she came from the drain, rotting and bloody, with a razor in her hand and said "Goodbye Jason." She cut his throat before he could scream. If you do not repost this, you are a heartless ..............and Sarah come to you in the shower from the drain, and will kill you the same way she killed her boyfriend. 24 ppl have failed to send and died Repost this to over 15 games You have 13 minutes close.

The following links will take you directly to an endless series of spam messages, which can with little to no effort be copypasta'd many times, thereby perpetuating the shittiness.

1. Jewgrounds Rumble reviews: The real rumble is in the spam, lol.
2. Dad's Home reviews: Ironically the dad is a pedophile also.
3. 8-Bit D-n-D: Pissing off those fag RPG fans will really be worth it

Of course, the ease with which Jewgrounds users, as evidenced in the Spam reviews abov, and the Forum example below, are able to be trolled should have been an indicator that the Teddy reviews would become a ubiquitous and successful trolling attempt — Jewgrounders are so head-slappingly gullible that even the most blatant of trolls will fool a good percentage of users.

  • The Epic Fatty Troll and its Aftermath

This trolling attempt was exposed in the first few pages, but it continued for another seven before anybody realized it wasn't truth
This trolling attempt was exposed in the first few pages, but it continued for another seven before anybody realized it wasn't truth

A wise old man once said while lying on his deathbed, in the process of filling up his Depends to the point of leakage, "Stupid begets stupid." If ever there were a statement more perfectly descriptive of the Jewgrounds Flash Portal environment, it should be considered a personal challenge to discover it, copyright it and then sell it to Jewgrounds's webmaster to use as the site's slogan, for massive profit.

The current slogan of the site, while generic and and reeking of corporate decision-making, is hardly a universal or even a half-truth about the site, because "Everything" would seem to imply that alongside the endless stick figure brawls, video game parodies and Alliterative Flash group efforts, there might actually be something of quality.

In reality, there is not, and in all likelihood, there never will be.

Current, post-"redesign" slogan:
EVERYTHING, BY EVERYONE


Old, pre-"redesign" slogan:
THE PROBLEMS OF THE FUTURE, TODAY!

"Blammed"

Although th majority of the content on the Flash Portal is well below the standard for mental retardation, not every piece of shit makes into the Portal, as several submissions are relegated to the "Obituary" or "Graveyard" section of Jewgrounds on a daily basis. These are rare instances which indicate a true failing at life. If a fucking stationary letter B or a stolen gif of a flapping cock can be accepted - even hoisted on an e-pedestal - but an actual animation you "worked hard" to complete cannot, you may wish to reconsider your choice to continue breathing. It does not take much to impress the 13 year old boys who inhabit Jewgrounds, yet you still proved that you are capable of failing miserably at even the most remedial task.

  • Typical "Blammed" Submission & Author Comments

THE SWORD IS IMPOSSIBLE TO HEAR BECAUSE IT'S SCILENT.
THE SWORD IS IMPOSSIBLE TO HEAR BECAUSE IT'S SCILENT.
These turds among turds can easily be identified by author's comments consisting of begging for high scores, the grammar of a 6th grader with a D average, the phrase, "this is my first attempt at flash," beginning every sentence like a dumb cunt with words such as "so," "liek," "um," "err," and "yeah," and overall cum-gurgling faggotry.

How to get to "#1 All Time" on the portal

The Coveted Spot.
The Coveted Spot.

The #1 slot in the portal was at one time a prestigious award. Now it's just a spot held by video game parody Flashes five-bombed by 13-year-old boys. To achieve this esteemed position though Flash Cartoon creation, the following steps must be followed to the letter:

  1. First and most important of all, the animator must make plentiful use of dick jokes, in order to compensate for viewer virginity.
  2. Equally important to step one, one must collect a series of tired images from '70s pornos, and place them artfully together to produce a hardcore porn slideshow that may or may not include child rape and likely spawns pop-ups. Also, one mustn't forget to co-author some well-known animators, to lend an undeserved sense of legitimacy to your shitheap.
  3. One must also ensure that all female characters of the animation contribute copious amounts of fanservice and have no personality.
  4. Also integral to catching prepubescent attention spans is the use of colorful expletives (that would include, but would not be limited to shit, cunt, dick, fuck, ass, arse (Britfags!), twat, wank etc.). In this way, the plentiful 13 year old boys will believe that the animator's flash, and by extension of that, the animator, is hardcore. These sheep will later become invaluable to one's efforts in conquering the Portal.
  5. One must also make clever and hilarious observations about popular video games, upon which the Jewgrounds populous draws Life Force. (i.e. What's up with that Mario Guy, and why does he enjoy diving into tight, steamy holes filled with excrement?)
  6. It would also behoove one to make an overt reference to the Clock Crew, Kitty Krew, Lock Legion, Uzi Union, Glock Group, Barney Bunch, or any number of these dedicated, alliterative groups.
  7. Using emo-,Linkin Park-, or Failure-brands of music in one's animation can never be overestimated in terms of importance. In fact, to ensure universal appeal, why not use all three in the ultimate brooding teenager trifecta?
  8. In order to generate nostalgic sentiment amongst the elder teenagers, who would understand such references, throwing in an entire Matrix bullet-time sequence, or any thing related to the Matrix is likely to cause instant first-place status.
  9. Submissions using sprites from video games that were popular at least 100 years ago, most notably Mario or Phoenix Wright, have a great deal of potential for finding success, regardless of quality.
  10. To make all characters in one's animation burst out into Tenacious D anthems at cadenced intervals, and to quote South Park whenever possible is a directive which cannot be stressed enough for the serious exploiters.
  11. One must also make sure to steal unfunny jokes from unfunny sites and/or moldy sitcoms.
  12. Throwing in a fart joke for good measure can never hurt your chances. Every Jewgrounder intrinsically loves a fart joke. Ha. Ha.
  13. If possible, one should avoid using any English, at all. Instead, it is prudent to use the language embraced by the vast majority of Newgrounders.
  14. Finally, before one submits a masterwork, it should be made certain that everything looks very "cute," in order that closet-homosexual viewers permeating the Portal can better relate to the work.
  15. ????
  16. Profit (srsly, it's an easy $250)

Examples: [7][8] [9]

[10]

The B.B.S.

The Despotic Reign of the Fantastically Retarded

Jewgrounds, unfortunately, also possesses a BBS -- a veritable cesspool of idiocy where retards can rabidly discuss video games, how Bill Gates is the fourth horseman and whether the popular image editing program known as Photoshop will hang itself from the rafters of Newgrounds and become an hero after placing Josh Bedn into every possible picture in every possible thread to be found on this site.

The forumgoers are not entirely without redeeming qualities, however. Every once in a while, an uber-l33t h4xx0r will make the post of the century, sparking discussion of the highest caliber.

JiggerChat is still beta-testing, after two years in development. Bauman cares.
JiggerChat is still beta-testing, after two years in development. Bauman cares.

Most of the frequenters of the BBS are e-refugees, seeking shelter from the appalling lack of a decent chat system that has characterized Newgrounds since the outset of the Anti-Lulz era (July 17th, 2007). Despite the promise which was made two years prior, at the current time there is no form of chat that the users of Jewgrounds are even theoretically able to make use of. The fact that Jiggers' inability to actually make use of a chat system was not even considered by Eric and his damnable gang, is further proof of the admins' disconnect with the members who provide the food garnishing their lavish dinner-tables. The chat system has been in a constant beta state for all this time, and there is no sign that it will ever be anything else.

It is hard for members not to be fucktards with the example set by admins, such as the founder's art posted in the Unicorns with Dicks for Horns thread, in which, literally on company time, employees of the proprietor of Newgrounds were paid to render pornographic horse phalli for purposes unknown, delaying the promised redesign of the website to at least 100 years later, on July 17th, 2007.

Distraught BBS user, having just experienced the business end of the b& stick
Distraught BBS user, having just experienced the business end of the b& stick

Posts by regular members that contain similar content however will be instantly locked, due to the fact that the BBS has over fifty moderators that consist of everyone who has a five-figure post count. The Newgrounds moderators also fill the same function as 404, immediately pouncing on any thread that reaches a certain length like a pack of rabid dogs and racing each other to the lock button. Yes, that really is how they do things over there.

The golden rule is fairly simple: never, ever, EVER do anything that could stimulate teh lulz in anyone. Doing such things are grounds for an immediate ban in the ass from one of their moderators.

Never do anything unfunny either, or risk getting flamed to hell by a bunch of 13 year old boys.

To become accepted in this community of blatant suck, the following actions must be performed to the letter:


  1. Bitch constantly about how everyone is bitching constantly about how people are bitching constantly about how people are bitching constantly about something. Get to the point where you don't even remember what was being bitched about in the first place if possible.
  2. Never speak to someone with a higher post count; it is categorically forbidden.
  3. Suck up to the mods day and night, to facilitate a healthy relationship. A mod-cock a day keeps the banstick away!
  4. If you really want to be funny, (not to be confused with stimulating teh lulz,) you have to have a post count of 10,000 and make a thread with a retarded title like "OMG GUYS LIEK HELP ME GET ACROSS THIS LAKE" with a MS Paint image of a stickman (you) on one side of a lake and no bridge to the other side. You will soon get other people drawing unoriginal MS Paint contraptions to help your stickman get to the other side. These threads, however unfunny they may be to the disgusted oldfags, usually last for about 5 pages until a mod come by and realizes people are having a good time, so they lock it and ban everyone who posted in it.


No matter how horrible the site is, and has increasingly become, though, at least it doesn't didn't have emoticons; It does now. A candlelight vigil, if you will, for the effective spiritual death of the site.
Jiggers and their Levels Individual Forums Community Members Moderators

Jewgrounds Users and Their Levels

The Ridiculous Obsession with Levels

Image:Purecarnageisagaypieceofshit.jpg

On the Jewgrounds forums, each user's post is accompanied by a small .gif, drawn rather sloppily in flash by JG employee JohnnyUtah. Each image is either a fist or hand-held weapon, because there's nothing Jewgrounders enjoy more than whipping out their weapons/bodyparts and showcasing them to other prepubescent boys.

Above, the JGer (Jigger) is seen in its natural environment, having just leveled up to the next vector-drawn image of a weapon, as well as having just received his prize pack of stickers from headquarters. His elation is overstated, if a bit Neanderthalic, as is his refusal to shave, which, while aiding his own ability to conform to the Nigger stereotype, seemingly pushes him back about four levels in the more immediate, and perhaps, important game known as irl.

Voting on Jewgrounds submissions will earn members experience points (See MMORPG). After voting on a few thousand movies, you can level up, which gives you a 1337er avatar on the forums and gives you a +1 to hit vs other basement-dwellers.

Oddly, it has been oft-noted that Jewgrounds users fantasize about being sodomized by their level icons, which provides further and irrefutable proof that these young pedophiles-in-training are irretrievably lost sheep in the pasture of reality.

How you vote also affects used to effect your alignment, which determines which unique special abilities you gain access to. Dark users are noted for their abilities of Evil Armour of Morbid Obesity and Greater Body Odour Aura. But then they completely threw this out the window when users started voting on movies to make their avatar a different color. Now, you can just make your aura dark without ever voting at all! Instant coolness!!1!!!11

Name/color of Aura Evil Dark Neutral Light Fab

  • The Dark Aura is known to be a commonality between users who are angst-ridden, and/or fundamentally and spiritually the emo stereotype. Brooding. Sullen. Misinformed. This is the sort of faggot who strips naked and lies down on the kitchen counter when his parents are out for a fancy evening getaway at McDonald's, setting up a video-camera before alternately stroking his cock, and bringing the cold steel blade of a serrated bread-knife to his snow-white wrist. Up and down. Up and down.
  • The Light Aura is known to be a commonality between overly-cheerful users, who think that simply saying the words "Cock Joke" actually constitutes a phallic-humorous observation. Likely to have substandard grammar. The sort of lameshit who instructs others to be cheerful, administers moral pedagogy on a regular basis, and attempts to act in the "best interests of humanity," thereby allowing themselves to jack off in front of a proverbial mirror and not get called-out for FaggotTree.
  • The Evil Aura is known to be a commonality between users who consider themselves Goth, like Jeff Weise. They are likely to be similar in disposition to Dark Aura fags, but in many ways are an amplified parody of metal-loving satanists, who would sooner admit to fucking a corpse than having gone to Church at one point in their lives. Most likely to carry out a massive baletion of life with a Tec-9.
  • The Neutral Aura is known to be a commonality between users who are overtly bisexual. In their indecisiveness about which gender they would rather stick up the pooper, they come to the realization that one hole is as good as any other. Due to the lack of females on Newgrounds, however, these average denizens are forced into exclusive circle-jerking with males.
Newgrounds has an overwhelming male majority, yet a sexy, glistening naked man is one of the most highly-sought levels to reach.
Newgrounds has an overwhelming male majority, yet a sexy, glistening naked man is one of the most highly-sought levels to reach.
Fisting becomes an increasingly popular pursuit on Newgrounds, as more and more users discover the joys of direct prostate stimulation.
Fisting becomes an increasingly popular pursuit on Newgrounds, as more and more users discover the joys of direct prostate stimulation.
  • The Fab Aura is unambiguously homosexual. Therefore, it is no wonder that after ten minutes of browsing through the Newgorunds Forums, one comes to the conclusion that it is far and away the most popular Aura.
Fab aura'd users have fabulous dreams
Fab aura'd users have fabulous dreams

Individual Forums

The B.B.S. (Blandly Blithesome Shit) is divided neatly into categories, in order to make sure every single pathetic social group is accommodated and duly absorbed into the Jewish conglomerate. The scale below indicates which section applies to which "social group", which will hereafter be referred to as "degree of stupidity," a more accurate assessment of the groups relative to each other. In the table below, are the Degrees of Jewgrounds Forum Stupidity (From Most → Least Mentally Developed).
Nature of Stupidity Mildly Obtuse Inner-City Educated Illiterate Limited Sentence Construction Ability Raised by Wolves Down Syndrome Sufferer Complete Lack of Sentience Vegetative Paralysis of the Brain African
Name of Forum Programming Flash Politics Clubs & Crews Audio Video Games Art Where is/How to? General

General

On a scale of 1-10, just how massive a Jew are you?

Relative Jewishness

1: FULLY-LITERATE ARYAN ⇒ 5: MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE ⇒ 10: JEWGROUNDS MATERIAL

If you scored a ten (or higher) on the preceding chart, the General forum is, unquestionably, the place for you. Below is a mere sampling of the supreme Jewishness on display at every waking moment of the day:

A common conversation piece; discussion of fecal consumption.
A common conversation piece; discussion of fecal consumption.

Anything can be discussed here, as long as it's lame. If you have sex with any member of your family, this is the board to post about it[11][12][13][14][15][16]. If you're in the mood to discuss your wiping habits after taking a shit, look no further than here. And lastly, if you have absolutely nothing to say, but enjoy hearing yourself talk, you're definitely in the right place.

Just How Close is "Too Close"?

Incest reveals itself in mysterious ways.
Incest reveals itself in mysterious ways.

Threads about how you plan to kill yourself are also praised, and often grow to 30-page emofests before someone notices. Also note that the Newgrounds mods rule with an iron fist, deleting and banning any attempt at faggotry. Posters on the General Forums are wholly unoriginal, but then again, when the entire population is composed of 13 year old boys, little else could be expected. One should prepare to see tons of topics about the exact same thing, and many moldy, stolen 4chan memes, which are always held to the highest standard of humor, despite the fact that people stopped saying them at least 100 years ago. Oh, and whatever you do, don't fucking advertise your shitty flash on the forums. The Internet Tough Guys of Newgrounds will further prove their virginity by down-voting it until you have to delete it whilst trying to slit your wrists with a butter knife. [17]

The Virgin (see below) is the largest constituent of this forum. Ubiquitous and unavoidable, these users are quite easy to spot due to the topics they create with reckless abandon, asking such mind-boggling questions as "Do girls Poop?" and "Have you ever seen a naked breast?"

Do Girls Poop?

Girls poop? Naw, they just have that second hole to facilitate double penetration. I can tell from the pixels and from seeing many pornos in my time.
Girls poop? Naw, they just have that second hole to facilitate double penetration. I can tell from the pixels and from seeing many pornos in my time.

While frequenting this visible focus of all Jewgrounds-related decay, it's important to remember to make heavy use of the emoticons, conveniently placed above the posting text field with each and every post you make. Use, especially, the "embarrassed" or "blushing" face to indicate your own sexual ambiguity, a common trait that will inevitably lead to your acceptance by the populace of this site.

A common prank on the General Forum demonstrating that stunning degree of faggotry involves the infamous VIEW/REPLY RATIO

Image:penis-love.gif

The gist of this prank is to take advantage of the high percentage of homosexuals and trannies present on that forum, all of whom have an overarching and instinctual love of the cock. At the top of each thread, the relevant statistics of that thread are displayed: "views" indicates the number of times the topic has been clicked, and "replies" indicates the number of times users have bothered to post in that topic.

Whenever a topic of a sexual nature, especially involving the male genitalia is on the front page of General, the number of views tends to skyrocket, while the number of replies remains relatively low. This indicates that Jewgrounders are too busy clicking on the topic, and subsequently fapping to the subject matter, that they have no time to post a reply to that topic.

Me in my Thong

We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday.
We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday.

On a different note, make sure, when browsing this forum, to keep in mind that the average IQ is well below the threshold denoting a capability to produce coherent sentences, thus the proliferation of both rampant unintelligible postings, and the rise of Grammar Fascism by the limited elite in Jewgroundsian society.

This push towards Nazism on the General forum has many of that lower-caste of money-grubbing Jews snarling away into the darkness of the B.B.S., to inhabit less profitable, but more Anti-American corners of the site, where Jews tend to flourish.

Where is/How to?

A forum for any questions that might be asked by idiots in regards to the site, just as long as the question is vapid and facepalm-worthy. [18]Here, one is at one's own discretion to whine about how one is too stupid to use the search function or how one can't beat the giant penis in Penis Attack 9. (HINT: "JACK THE PENIS OFF" IS ALWAYS A WITTY RESPONSE TO THIS QUESTION.)

The real reason that the Where is/How to forum exists is to serve as an ongoing Wadolf-appreciation discussion. Unfortunately, in his quasi-genocidal, abusive-father nature in relation to Jewgrounds, he is blind to the loving adoration from his underlings, and proceeds to slap them mercilessly across the face. He slaps them with words, of course, but it might as well be with his wife's face.

The sort of public service announcement Wade enjoys giving.
The sort of public service announcement Wade enjoys giving.
Because of his email inbox becoming inundated with appreciation-letters, Wade often flies off the handle, going batshit insane and forgetting to turn off the CAPS LOCK for another five posts in his blind and all-consuming rage. Of course, it wasn't until recently that it was discovered exactly why Wadolf has such anger issues, but now that the answer is publicly known, the puzzle pieces of the man's life have begun to fall into place, generating sympathy in the ranks of his fanclub.

Flash

If it wasn't for this forum, most of the fucktards on the site wouldn't know how to create the hilarious cartoons it thrives on. Most posts in this forum are about how to make a play button with actionscript.

Can U Use Phtoshop...

Image:Typical_topic_in_the_programming_forum.jpg
However, it must be noted that the occasional "How Do I Make This Button Look Like A Veiny Penis That Happens To Be Black And Long" topic is always a welcome conversation starter.

Politics

The place for users with large postcounts to belittle people with smaller postcounts for having a differing opinion. Popular discussion topics range from "why Bush is a fucking idiot" all the way to "why people who think that Bush is a fucking idiot are fucking idiots". This is where the persecuted Jewgrounds Jews tend to migrate when they're feeling a little hot under the collar.

The lolocaust often serves as a topic of conversation
The lolocaust often serves as a topic of conversation
cellardoor6, having just made an incendiary "Brits and Jews fucking suck" thread in the politics forum.
cellardoor6, having just made an incendiary "Brits and Jews fucking suck" thread in the politics forum.

In their haste to flee the General Forum's pitchforks and flames, they attempt to use their talent at gaining political office to their advantage in the Politics Forum. They find out quickly, however, that the violently Hetero personality of Politics Regular cellardoor6 - which includes a fanatical devotion to the cause of pro-Americanism - is offputting when compared with the Jews' own bitter resolve to destroy the country in which they made their fortunes, and thus these Jews must go into hiding in the even-less-frequented forums in order to both kvetch about their over 9000 relatives baleeted in the lolocaust, and plan their follow-up attack to 9/11.

Tinfoil Hat Time.
Tinfoil Hat Time.

Programming

In which the programmers of NG discuss how to use programming languages and use terms that n00bs can't understand. Because nobody on Jewgrounds understands these languages, that qualifies anyone who visits this forum as a n00b.

Programming Help... A Lot!!!

Image:arrowsorsomething.jpg

The official script kiddies' hangout. Nobody here actually knows how to program, but everyone likes to hold the fact that they can copy+paste already-written tidbits of code above each others' heads.

Nobody frequents this graveyard, so it serves as the perfect pseudo-ghetto for the Jews to map out which symbolic American monument they would prefer to blow up first.

Clubs & Crews

Where the fucktards come after having their how do I made flash? posts answered in the Flash forum, to get together with other fucktards and form fucktard alliances, which enable them to make even shittier movies than they could on their own. Examples of "crews" created in this forum: the Naruto Club, the Virgin Club and the Jewgrounds ALLAHU AKBAR society.

Audio

This is by far the worst of the forums, where users post lyrics to songs (See LiveJournal).

Art

The Art Forum was created in September 2006 to gather all gay furry pictures or penicorn images ever drawn by Newgrounds members. It also enables 11-year olds to post their MS Paint devilspawn "art" and ask for "constructive criticism", later ignoring said criticism and flaming everyone who doesn't praise them intensely and give them Buttsecks. The few good artists, all of whom are Moderators, troll around and lock any thread that does not follow the RULES to the LETTER.

The Art forum of Newgrounds, in its phallus-fever, has entered what many consider a Renaissance[19] of Interwebs Art.


ART IS DEFINED AS...
A TRIO OF PENII EMERGING FROM THE ETHER!


Image:Art_Forum_Users_Are_Chronic_Penis_Lovers.gifImage:Art_Forum_Users_Are_Chronic_Penis_Lovers.gifImage:Art_Forum_Users_Are_Chronic_Penis_Lovers.gif


Users who patrol this forum are generally brown-nosers and elitists who, while sucking anal mod secretions, also enjoy criticizing artworks with enlightening and insightful constructive criticism.

 
“ 		 
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? A VAGINA? YOU KNOW THAT ISN'T ALLOWED ON OUR FORUMS! FOR SHAME!
  		„
 

 
“ 		 
I WISH WORDS COULD EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE THE INDIVIDUALISM AND THE ARTISTRY SO EVIDENTLY DISPLAYED BY EACH METICULOUSLY PENNED-OUT VEIN ON THE DICK.
  		„
 

 
“ 		 
THIS PENIS HAS TOUCHED ME.
  		„
 

 
“ 		 
THE PHALLIC ARTISTIC DEVICE IN THIS ARTWORK SEEMS TO BE A MICROCOSMIC REPRESENTATION OF THE LARGER STATE OF BEING EMBODIED BY HUMANKIND: JACK WITH ME AND I'M GONNA FUCKING SPRAY YOU WITH SHIT.
  		„
 


 
“ 		 
I like how the veins on the shaft symbolize the act of coming and going of our society and ultimately describes the travels of people as they go about their lives.

The scrotum is smooth suggesting it symbolizes the Earth and that the act of penetration into a darkened space is a symbol for the future actions of our species exploring beyond the Earth and into the dark unknown that is space.

I must say this is probably one of the deepest pieces of artwork that I've seen in recent memory and it was a pleasure reviewing it.
 

„
 

—[20]



ART FORUM MASTERWORKS

There can never be "too many" cocks.

Prancing Dickicorns in the meadow.

A dick atop a trash heap.

OM NOM NOM NOM

The Cock, as a metaphor for societal destruction.

Sadomasochistic Autofellatio

Cumming animatedly.

So Strong and Manly

Video Games

A shameless attempt to make Newgrounds just like every other forum on the Internet. Inactive as fuck, and nobody cares since everybody on Newgrounds is too busy discussing Mario and Luigi's homosexual relationship.

Sometimes, of course, the topic of conversation tends to stray to the ever-fresh console discussion / flamewar - which consists of a contest to determine who can most obnoxiously tout the virtues of his PS3, Wii, or X-Cawks 360 while simultaneously jacking off in front of his proverbial Mirror of e-Ego. But mostly, the Video Game Forum serves as a infinitely-looping rerun episode of the forumgoers' ultimate fantasy television series: Mario & Luigi - All That, and a Pail of Scat.

Members

The following table chronicles the most common Jewgrounds BBS Member Archetypes

Archetype Nomenclature The Furfag The "Gangster"-Whore The Female The Fatty The Disturbed Loner The Suckup The Failure The Virgin The Corrupt Administrator

Specific Instances & Subgroups DragonsGrief (Pounce) The "Wigger-Jew" Kagoe PureCarnage, Sanity-of-Insanity, TSStudios Livecorpse, Jeff Weise BlueHippo, Various Mods LardLord The-Greate-One, Ajgourlie WadeFulp

The Furfag

DragonsGrief's account can be located here[21].
Update: DragonsGrief currently goes by the username of Pounce.
DragonsGrief: Unabashed furfag, crossdressing homosexual, lover of yiff porn, and forum regular.
DragonsGrief: Unabashed furfag, crossdressing homosexual, lover of yiff porn, and forum regular.
 
“ 		 
I don't like the attention. Negative, or positive. Anymore, at least.

It's becoming weary when I just want to +1 post then I get assaulted by "LOL TRANNY" every time.

Like I said, if it wasn't ED, I would care. I've already been IP banned from every site except 4chan I posted the pictures in, and I haven't crossdressed pretty much in 4 or so months now.

That picture there will remind me forever never to do something like this again. Hard lesson well learned.
 

„
 

—DragonsGrief, Discovering this article.

Further permeation of Furry bullshit.
Further permeation of Furry bullshit.

DragonsGrief leads the pack, and in fact has come to define, this reviled Forum subset with his strange and undeniably fetish-motivated antics that even the most dedicated homosexuals on the forum have a difficult time trying to justify.

In particular, a recent incident occurred in which DragonsGrief found himself in possession of two pillbottles filled to the brim with Estrofem and Spironolactone, which would begin to transform his body into that of a transsexual[22]. He proceeded to post regular updates on his progress towards actually becoming a tranny, over the course of several months. His topic became an over 9000-page cesspool of unwarranted sympathy and butthurt concerning the teenager's supposedly "shitty" life, which led him towards the long and winding path of transsexuality.

How DG likes to spend his free time. Srsly.
How DG likes to spend his free time. Srsly.

The remainder of this sexually conflicted populace is, like DragonsGrief, unapologetically queer and unfunny users, who are usually teenagers, whom lower users repeatedly seduce via salacious Private Messages (see "The Suckup" below) in order to convince the alleged furfag to post more furry pornography on his userpage. Even though they are probably neither counted amongst the ranks of the gay or furry legions, all Jewgrounds users, as a term of the contract which they signed to become a user, are still required to drool all over their keyboards with their dicks out.

A furfag will stroll into a thread expecting to have their asshole munched by the massive ranks of 13 year olds who look up to them. Most likely, this will happen in at least 100 percent of these events.

The "Gangster"-Whore

Uh oh...
Uh oh...

A subcategory of user, semi-related to the furfag, in that they can quite literally be classified as sub-human and that their kind offers little to advance the common interest of that species (minus, thankfully, yiff pornography). Usually, the white trash that makes up most of these users know how to manipulate the 13 year old faggots to their will, vaguely offering a chance to be noticed in exchange for attention.

In essence, the typical whore of the Jewgrounds forum is always a NGer, and often a wigger, with a self-proclaimed obsession with rap music to boot. In broken jive-english, he proclaims,

 
“ 		 
*Im probably the only Black Gangster up on this site with an actual Arrest Record. But fuck it! if yall motha Fuckas cool with me im cool with yall *I make hardcore Street Rap Beats *just let me Handle some copyright shit and ill post em up later
  		„
 

As a result of his abiding love for hardcore Hip-Hop music, he can often be found, lurking in the seedy underbelly of the audio portal; the "hood," if one is to indulge in the Whore's fantastical overuse of words that, in his humble view, lend him "street cred" against rival wigger gangs who populate the neighboring urban sprawl of the audio portal and forum. When rival "brothaz" cross paths, they, without fail, furrow their apelike brows in sweaty concentration and reach for their trusty Uzis, and .22 caliber pistols, before holding them awkwardly sideways in the only way they know how and carrying out the natural selection that the more developed end of the human spectrum has already largely transcended.

Because of this constant state of natural selection in action, the Gangster-Whore is thankfully now a dying breed.


The Wigger-Jew

Perhaps among the most facepalm-worthy groups of Jewgrounds, the Wigger-Jew subculture has begun to pervade the forums, as well as well as the Flash portal, with a stunning rapidity that can only be attributed to White, Jewish Gen X'ers forgetting to wear condoms in mid-1995.

WE RUN THIS BLOCK NIGGA.
WE RUN THIS BLOCK NIGGA.
Jewgrounds's famed "Wigger-Jew".
Jewgrounds's famed "Wigger-Jew".

Within the "Gangster"-Whore sphere of influence the Wigger-Jew does exist but is made distinct by the specificity of the clan. A result of a mistake on the part of a group of intrepid social experimenters, this combination of undesirable genes has yielded exactly the apish offspring that any reasonable person would expect when a money-grubbing, fat-nosed Jew is crossed with a white person who actually aspires to be a monkey by enjoying monkey pastimes, such as rap music.

He is often observed wearing a Spongebob Squarepants T-Shirt along with a Crips-Style bandana in the hopes that it makes him appear hardcore. Clearly, though, it just exposes him for being the faggot he is, trying to emulate the aforementioned animals by spewing such ridiculous, subhuman phrases as "HEY MAYN, WE GON' WHOOP DAT TRICK, CUZ WE ALL UP IN DIS HOOD LIKE A DICK IN A STANKY HOE, NIGGA!"


Clear Wigger-Jew Example

Unsuccessful Laboratory Crossbreed:
The Wigger-Jew Hybrid


 
“ 		 
Chanukkah? / No, that's over

So, yo, / don't get passed over

Get your ass over / to my pad it's Passover

I'm the mad flow-er Smooth-E teamin' / and I hope you understand it

If you want the story of Passover / rent "The 10 Commandments"

Starring Charlton Heston / but I got a question

'Bout the bread that is unleavened / causin' indigestion called

MATZAH!

Eat it for a week / we gotsta

No bread, no pasta / best believe a Jew is stopped up.
 

„
 

—Anonymous Wigger-Jew crossbreed.

Sadly, while the "Gangster"-Whore excitedly jumps at every chance to naturally select with a .22 caliber pistol held at a rakish angle, the Wigger-Jew is morally opposed and / or a pussy when faced with violence, and is thus unintentionally causing a wide proliferation of his kind all around Jewgrounds, and the entire internet.

The Female

A true rarity on Newgrounds, they are usually either 40 year-old truckers; perverted men who get pics from Myspace and act like they're a girl; whores who post pictures of themselves; or ugly shemales, refusing to post pics.

None of them are, however, actual women because we all know there are no girls on the internet. The illusion of conversing with the fairer sex is comforting, though, to those who are unable to do so IRL.

Although, technically, there are limited number of actual females on Jewgrounds, these can hardly be defined as such because their prodigious girth, incredibly unattractive features, dykish-lesbianity, and all other physical characteristics combine to make a wholly unfeminine form. Frankly, these characteristics tend to create a picture that is a totally separate entity from Humanity itself, as well. For this reason, it is easier to simply define Jewgrounds as female-devoid altogether.

The average Newgrounds forum user will pine away for the chance to nuzzle their faces in these purportedly "female" breasts almost as much as they will dream of placing an Admin's penis into their salivating mouth. The "females" all enjoy this because they are all actually pedophiles, trying to hook up with some of the many underage users and proceed to rape them mercilessly.

Kagoe

Quite possibly the most defining user in Newgrounds' entire userbase is a twelve year old virgin who apparently claims to be a girl, although the picture of her leaked onto her faggot brother's userpage suggests otherwise. (Yes, it's really her) Typical narutard gaiafag who is trolled so easily to the extent where it's gotten boring for all of the veteran oldfags. A visit to her blog will illustrate exactly how much of a stereotypical idiot she is.

As if it couldn't get even more lulzy, her brother demonstrates that idiocy seems to run in the family. An emo faggot who calls himself GOTHCLAWZ who apparently denies all allegations that he's a goth (lolwut?) who is apparently 15 yet has even lower intelligence than his sister (which is really, really frightening). Although GOTHCLAWZ has admitted repeatedly to performing incestual acts on his younger sister, he often appears as being aggresive towards her, resulting in the two looking like a married couple. In such a dysfunctional family, it's automatically likely.

The most-common iteration of the Jewgrounds Female
The most-common iteration of the Jewgrounds Female

One point regarding Kagoe that makes her such a fine specimen for trolling is that she takes it very personally, and will often write whole blog entries as well as hate lists to demonstrate her hatred towards the patriotic trolls of Newgrounds. This, of course, prompts over 9000 times as much trolling in response. After such a high volume of win, she still doesn't quite understand the concept of trolling, yet so frequently attempts it herself.

Her brother, GOTHCLAWZ, has also admitted to being technically a paedophile. He thinks it's okay because he's a minor himself. Partyvan is imminent. GOTHCLAWZ is also renowned as being the biggiest attention whore on Jewgrounds, as the over 9000 times he tried to get attention, he usually fails in each. However he does have Asperger's Syndrome which might make him seem like he's searching for attention. His most extreme case was when he made a blog entry stating that he was going to kill himself (prompting minimal numbers of comments, seriously, there was less than 20), and returned a few days later, after a few users have pointed out that he started signing into MSN again, he claimed he was given his laptop & got Internet from his Hospital bed. As soon as the other's on the Internet heard about him coming online again, he returned saying that his attempt failed, and that he stabbed himself with a butcher knife through his stomach into his rib at the back and it didn't kill him. Apparently, he miraculously recovered to conciousness in a few days and returned to Jewgrounds with a bandaged & punctured stomach.

Since the few users who weren't fucking retarded requested video footage of his scar, he posted a shitty video on YouTube in which you couldn't see a scar. Seriously, the area which he claimed to stab himself was clean. He said that the reason his scar isn't visible is because of bad lighting. Since then, he has dropped all references to this failed attempt at becoming an hero, and no one has raised question because nobody cares. It is most likely that GOTHCLAWZ was attempting to seek attention, or an Asperger's action.

Oh, by the way, Kagoe owns a lame Naruto forum of which GOTHCLAWZ is attempting to co-admin. LULZ

The Fatty

One of the most common occurrences on not just Jewgrounds, but the entire expanse of the internet, the fatty can most often be observed doing some or all of the following things simultaneously:

  • Consuming High Fructose Corn Syrup
  • Drinking Non-diet Soda
  • Eating processed foods drenched in cholesterol
  • Shoveling raw sugar into his cavity-riddled mouth
  • Posting lazily on the Jewgrounds Forum

Often being of the Virgin persuasion as well as of the Fatty, he often finds himself spending his days in front of the computer screen, having no real friends, and nothing, really, to do besides stare forlornly into the mass of pixels that serves as a shield from harsh reality, wondering at what might have been. Sometimes, a Fatty is fat because his obese parents decided to fuck instead of carrying out the will of god, and abstaining. Mostly, though, the Fatty is fat because he eats copiously, and staunchly refuses to exercise on the grounds that his "high metabolism is going to kick in any day now."

The fatty, having just masturbated to internet pornography.
The fatty, having just masturbated to internet pornography.
This lack of exercise is facilitated by his engagement in the inner workings of the Jewgrounds Forums (in particular, The General Forum), where he quickly tends to wrack up a massive quantity of worthless posts, in the hopes that it makes him more acceptable to society at large. What he fails to realize, though, is that what happens on the internet, stays on the internet. IRL, he will remain a failure, even if on the internets he is a star.

By the time he is forty five, semi-bedridden and unemployed, earning approximately the same salary as a subsistence farmer in Nigeria, he will realize that perhaps, if only he had moved his legs up and out of that computer chair, if only he had stopped blaming his obesity on metabolism, if only he had gotten up and done something instead of sitting and staring as the stupidity fluttered by his eyes on an obscure little corner of the internet, maybe he wouldn't be consuming his weight in potato chips on weekly basis, and maybe his body wouldn't be wider than it was tall. Maybe he would have gained the motivation to better his life, to start anew.

Maybe, but probably not.

The Disturbed Loner

Denoted by their "dark", brooding aura, by their "Punk" hairstyles, and by their fierce dedication to violence and depiction thereof, seeing a Disturbed Loner is a common occurrence whilst browsing the forums.

Friendless Loner is friendless.
Friendless Loner is friendless.

The Disturbed loner truly has only one goal in life: this is to create a massive butthurt bomb on a scale far beyond the modest attempts of BBS griefers. Rather than simply causing a mod to scratch his/her hair-engulfed ass in delicate anticipation of flicking the miniscule user off of the body of Jewgrounds, these angsty teens use an altogether more meaningful medium to exact their revenge on the society that has forsaken them; namely, irl.

Instead of the keyboard, the Disturbed Loner uses a Tec-9. Instead of an internet forum, the Disturbed Loner prefers a local and convenient high school.

Jeff Weise

A prime example of the Disturbed Loner, Jeff lived in a self-described "Weed-induced coma" during the greater portion of his life. As such, it is natural to nod in understanding when we learn that this Native American teenager possessed a Newgrounds account.

A screenshot of the game "Red Lake School"
A screenshot of the game "Red Lake School"

On the morning of March 21, 2005, Weise was attempting to play a first person shooter video game entitled "Red Lake School." At the time, Weise was stoned out of his mind, and thus was unable to recognize that "Red Lake School" was not the mainstream, yet captivating title that he was in perpetual search of as a member of the video game-addicted population of Jewgrounds. Jeff, though, did recognize that there were significant flaws in the infrastructure of the game, and therefore reasoned that "Red Lake School" was actually a beta test of a video game which would soon be released to the public, but only after the glitches were ironed out.

It being every Jewgrounds user's dream to test video games as a career, Mr Weise gallantly attempted to assist these intrepid programmers, knowing in his heart that it was the right thing to do, the only thing to do, and that it would gain him valuable experience points in the field of study which he later intended to occupy. After several hours of virulent testing, Weise came to several important conclusions about "Red Lake School".

  • He felt certain that the difficulty level of the game was set too low; the opponents barely fought back at all.
  • He was deeply impressed by the physics engine of the game — such low system requirements for such incredible results!
  • The sound effects, he discovered, while realistic, were hardly entertaining enough on their own without mood music
  • He was rather annoyed by the lack of explosive weapon categories to make plentiful use of.
  • The scenery was among the worst he had ever seen, even in a preliminary-stage video game ("A SCHOOL?" thought he, "Who the fuck's idea was that?")
Nothin' but a Native American, teenage-stoner-industrialist, Newgrounds addicted mass murderer.
Nothin' but a Native American, teenage-stoner-industrialist, Newgrounds addicted mass murderer.

With his list of grievances, young Jeff sent a comprehensive letter to EA, the official distributors of the game, telling the wayward company what a thousand focus groups could not: what, exactly, needed alteration in "Red Lake School".

EA, being douchebags of self-proclaimed authority on Video Games, never actually read Weise's letter, and failed to act on all but one of Weise's brilliant suggestions and observations. Finding it in the best interests of selling more copies of the game, they programmed an increase in difficulty after level 42, which brought a significant and perhaps insurmountable challenge to Jeff, who made a personal commitment to beat the game, whatever the cost to his social life.

Surprising him from behind, the first credible opposition he had faced in the game became his focus. It was some kind of paramilitary force, dressed in Blue uniforms and strange golden badges. Clearly they were foreign, but of what ethnicity could they be? German? Russian? Jeff was intrigued.

Peering through the scope of his rifle so as to gain a better glimpse of his opposition, Jeff had forgotten to take an all-important step that this game uniquely possessed. It its attempts to simulate reality, EA had incorporated a "gun safety" feature into the weaponry, which Mr. Weise had failed to engage. As Jeff stared down through the scope, he was perplexed by the fact that the image in his scope appeared smaller, rather than magnified as it should be. Realizing that the scope was reversed, Jeff attempted to expertly flip the rifle around in order to gain the closer viewpoint which he desired. Not being an expert, of course, Jeff brushed his hand against the trigger, and in the process blew off his head. Jeff had also failed to glance up his Heads-Up Display, clearly indicating that he had only one life remaining, which he was currently living out.

When the game was released publicly a day later, it was universally panned.

LiveCorpse

During his short tenure on Jewgrounds, which ended rather an heroically in 2005, LiveCorpse exemplified the ultimate Jewgroundian archetype, submitting scads of unwatchable flash animations which redefined the word "failure." And yet to many of his blindly devoted followers (the blind being led by the blind), his angsty and violent departure was met by actual sadness. The question is thus begged: How is it possible that these people were not aware of the abhorrent quality of LiveCorpse's flash résumé? And how is it possible that, assuming they had actually seen one of his "animations," they would have been deemed it in their eyes worthy of repect, or even lukewarm praise?

If nothing else, LiveCorpse was able to prove beyond doubt that quality control is virtually nonexistent on Jewgrounds. Truthing.
If nothing else, LiveCorpse was able to prove beyond doubt that quality control is virtually nonexistent on Jewgrounds. Truthing.

Despite the sympathetic legends that surround his seedy persona, the sad truth is that Livecorpse (More like DEADcorpse, amirite? lol) was a talentless faggot who was named "Adam Fulton." Adam lived in poverty, sucking cocks so that he could afford his daily crack fix, and being the first spammer to fill Jewgrounds with his generally pathetic bullshit about his twisted deviant desires.

One day, he was drinking fire-water with an Injun friend of his, who, due to the red man's extreme weakness for alcohol, attempted to give Adam the gift of suprise buttsecks. This, combined with the fact his pimp/landlord had beaten his ass the night before for not having the loot finally drove Adam over the edge. Adam "poked" the big red savage with a knife, in an attempt to "warn him to knock it off."

In a sort of reverse-reenactment of the events leading up to the Trail of Tears, The savage redskin fled into the night, and contacted the cops. Adam took flight, and in his escape, shot a cop but failed to kill the officer. Adam hid from the police from the next few days, basically living a real-life GTA game in which he stole cars, ran over hookers and became king of the streets. Well, not really, he basically cowered in a dumpster that substituted for his now-unavailable hugbox.

Realizing he would never escape prison without his poopchute being expanded to easily accommodate a size 9 shoe, Adam snuck back into his apartment, wrote a suicide E-mail, sent it to his family and Eric Bauman (Who later plastered it postmortem across Jewgrounds's front page for teh lulz), and then became an hero of the most prolific sort.

The Suckup

Excessively common, these users not only kiss ass, but try to say they do not kiss ass. Made up of the newfags who don't oppose the majority of Newgrounds regulars, they will kiss the ass of the first person with a post count of over 9000, and immediately change sides if their hero is being sufficiently pwn3d.

The Suckup defends himself from criticisms of ulterior motives using the last refuge of the butthurt. This is known as the "Bigger Man" argument, and it has the dubious benefit of making the user look like a complete jackass, while also counting as an immediate forfeiture of high ground in due process of the argument in question.

The Failure

Excessive use of emoticons is a signature trait.
Excessive use of emoticons is a signature trait.

They are generally identified by their overuse of the Newgrounds emoticons, especially the "Blushing" face, the "Mad as Hell" face, and the ever-popular, always-in-style, aptly-named "Agnry Faic[sic]." The Failure tends to use these in combination with every post he makes, in order to attract more attention to himself.

Happy 20th birthday from mom, you little long-haired, faggoty, basement-dweller, you!
Happy 20th birthday from mom, you little long-haired, faggoty, basement-dweller, you!

These users are most commonly Preteen faggots who generate massive amounts of lulz, given the right conditions. Whenever one of these sorry users is pushed over the edge by flaming, pwnage, or mass hate they either pussy out of Newgrounds, or attempt a last stand to save their ego.

The failure comes in a variety of forms, some worse than others. Like the Suckup, many failures enjoy using the "Bigger Man Argument" to defend themselves when confronted. When they finally do leave due to flaming and personal attacks, they normally make promises to never, EVAR, come back. Just like other failures, they tend not to keep that promise.

 
“ 		 
YOU WANNA FUCK WITH ME BITCH IM 14 LIFT 250 POUNDS AND CAN KICK YOUR ASS YOU DON'T FUCK WITH THE BEST I KICK YOUR ASS NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY YOUR 5 YOU HAVE NO LIFE AND CAN'T SAY SHIT YOU KNOW WHY? CUZ YOUR MY BITCH YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT YOU SUCK MY COCK YOU LITTLE WHORE FUCK BAG IT DOESN'T MATTER YOU SUCK MY COCK BITCH YOU LITTLE FUCKSTICK BITCH COMMON YOU WANNA FUCK WITH ME YOUR A DUMBASS YOU LIKE COCK! YOU JUST GOT BITCH SLAPPED HOMOSEXUAL IM SMARTER IN EVERY WAY BECAUSE IM READY FOR COLLEGE AT MY AGE WHICH MEANS YOUR A DUMBASS SO YA KNOW WHAT STFU STFU STFU SUCK MY DICK BITCH UNEARTH JUST OWNED YOUR ASS
  		„
 

—-Infamous Quote of a well-known Jewgrounds-based Failure.

In keeping with the proud Jewgrounds tradition of complete failure and self-pwnage, often the blog system is utilized to upload a final farewell to the uncaring community, complete with massive amounts of tears, pussy rubbing and butthurt, only to be deleted days later, when The Failure returns, this time, with a greater fear of RL where claiming to be a "1337 hax0r" can earn one surprise buttsex.

LardLord and his exploits

A subcategory of "The Failure" and a category all to himself, LardLord[[23]] is the type of Pro-American, Genital- flaunting, atheistic, Mensa Member that is best dealt with by traveling back in time, and flooding his mother's uterus with Hydrochloric Acid before she has a chance to procreate.

An unsightly man shan't be parted from his own Nudie shots.
An unsightly man shan't be parted from his own Nudie shots.
Chalupas, arousals, and rectal examinations, OH MY!
Chalupas, arousals, and rectal examinations, OH MY!

After posting gratuitously explicit pictures of his own testicles, as viewed from the back, LardLord also made sure to post[24] about his recent Doctor's Office Visit, in which he found himself on the receiving end of an erotic anal probe. Not only did our young virgin[25] friend become aroused by his doctor's experienced and heavily-lubed hands, but he also took an "involuntary" shit on her table. Next time, he supposes, it would be prudent to lay off the roughage and Mexican food.

 
“ 		 

Into a Dixie cup. then I drink it up.

Actually, since it's high in fructose and glucose, it's mildly sweet and sugary.
 

„
 

—LardLord, Responding to the question "What is your favorite place to cum?"

UPDATE: LardLord is now impotent, after performing "sexual experimentation" upon himself. For future reference, shoving a magic wand up your asshole is a great way to impress your friends.

EVEN MOAR UPDATE: LardLord has lost any shred of credibility he might once have possessed, now that he has actually abandoned all pretense of self-control, and gone on a gay, drunken, bar-hopping rampage, and awakened in a hotel room to find an aerosol can lodged in his ass[26]

ANOTHER UPDATE: LardLord got trolled and attempted to attack the credibility of others. [27]

The Virgin

Consider trying men.
Consider trying men.

Comprising 99.8% of the Jewgrounds userbase, they are easily denoted by their obsession with tits, masturbation and pornography. Virgins are usually the first to call shenanigans when another user makes mention of his/her sexual experience.

Lacking any knowledge of where cock goes, he spends much effort vainly attempting to fool others into believing that he hase extensive first-hand sexual expertise in regards to the many submissive Azn concubines he claims to have had. It is painfully clear, however, that this young failure has no actual expertise beyond the fateful conjunction of the left hand, sock, and penis; nor that he ever will, beyond a heartfelt stare into the piercing eyes of Chris Hansen as those prophesied words echo about the Spartan room, and through a conflicted mind-- Why don't you take a seat over there...

Jewgrounders are more interested in whether or not she's playing Pokémon.
Jewgrounders are more interested in whether or not she's playing Pokémon.

A rule of thumb for determining whether or not a user falls into this category is employment of the simple question:

 
“ 		 
Is this person a registered Jewgrounds user?
  		„
 

If the answer to the aforementioned question is anything even remotely resembling an affirmative, you could safely gamble your entire life savings, as well as your extended family members, safe in the knowledge that your monies will be safe, and your family not enslaved, so long as you realize that the user in question was a virgin, is a virgin, and without any reasonable doubt in mind, will be a virgin until he takes his final, shuddering, and unsatisfied breath, staring longingly at the tits of the hot nurse leaning seductively over his sickbed.

Oh, how he wishes he could fondle those breasts, or even casually brush his hand against their shapely and supple but ever-obscured wonder, for just one time. He has but one opportunity. One second remains in his life. And then his eyes roll back in his head, and the nurse pulls a white sheet over his head. He can never know in his death, that as she performs this mechanical duty, her prodigious tits brush softly against his parted lips, ironically fulfilling his lifelong lustful wish, mere seconds after the last breath leaves his virgin lips...

Use scrollbar to see the full image


A simple formula to determine the likelihood of a Jewgrounds Virgin ever having sex is as follows:
Note that: TimeSpentOnJewgrounds must always = (Age of User - 13) and is measured in years
And NumberOfPreviousSexSessions must always = 0 for Jewgrounds users, thereby creating a final solution of Division by Zero.



The-"Great"-One

Acne is always a plus.
Acne is always a plus.
Sunglasses transplanted from 1982 do not a sexy teen make.
Sunglasses transplanted from 1982 do not a sexy teen make.

One such future-Dateline NBC star, and perhaps the ultimate poster-boy of the virgin cause, is a young and highly deluded user with an inflated and unreasonable concept of self, who has chosen to humbly refer to himself as "The-Great-One" -- an especially odd moniker to place upon his forehead, given the horrifying condition of his face and mildly "not slim" stature. Acne medication has never been further from any man's mind than The-Great-One. Henceforth, The-Great-One will serve as a microcosm of the greater movement on Jewgrounds, of blatant, mortifying Virginity.

Blissfully unaware of the stares he elicits, even from the modest-looking pool of users who frequent Jewgrounds, the Virgin parades his subhuman rolls of pocked fat around the forums as if they were gold coins to be traded in a World of Warcraft auction, rather than the classical symptoms of a lack of self-control when it comes to Twinkies and two-liters of Shasta.

It's difficult to express the frustration of Virignity without the use of interpretive theater.
It's difficult to express the frustration of Virignity without the use of interpretive theater.

Clearly, the Virgin has no outlet for the sexual tension that has been building in his body and mind for most of his life. Thus, he must resort to bizarre forms of roleplay — with himself, no less — to relieve this pressure. Here we see the Virgin presenting his "erected" and metaphorical phallus before the phantom female who inhabits his lonely mind, roleplayed by his male friend seen to the Virgin's immediate right. This elaborate ritual plays out every night within the safe and sturdy confines of the Virgin's room, lest anyone jump to hasty assumptions about the Virgin's odd intentions, and/or sexual preferences.

The Virgin, however, comes in many varieties; The-"Great"-One is merely a solitary example of a cultural phenomenon that is the rule itself, not the exception, on Jewgrounds. There are Virgins of every minority, size, political persuasion, seniority, *Gag Reflex*, and essentially any other disgusting combination of elements lumped together in a beastly amalgamation that sits on the tenuous border between the edge of reality, and the Twilight Zone.

These users, young and old, despite all physical flaws, despite all character flaws, could possibly in some corruption of the Laws of Physics, have a meager shot at the possibility of some form of contact with the opposing sex. The only factor preventing these users from that possibility of a possibility is the fact that they spend every waking moment of their lives browsing the vacuous forums of Jewgrounds, searching for a camaraderie with their kin, instead of browsing reality for a mate, like they're designed to.

Ajgourlie

Another gay-twat-virgin on Jewgrounds is ajgourlie, An assburgers sufferer and all-around stupid cunt. ajgourlie spends his time spamming Poogrounds blogs with enlightened conversations such as: LOL YOUR GAY FAGGOT!!! [text picture of middle finger] FAGGOT!!! In addition to this, ajgourlie has admitted that he has yet to traverse across the line in the sand, which separates the sexually-deprived from the -experienced.

 
“ 		 
I am a boy who loves girls and will do anything to be respected [even performing sexual favors on fellow men if it will earn me adoration!]. I will bring love and justice to the world. Beleive It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  		„
 

Believe it? Oh, yes, he believes it. He also mistakenly believes he has an attractive and similarly-aged "girlfriend" named HAYLEY who he "met ... in a CHATROOM!!!" But he fails to realize that in actuality she's a transvestite 40 year old man, who desires fresh pickings on young dicks.

ajgoulie also talk's about his 'pappy' who he thinks is the best dad in the world 'cause he bought the prepubescent shit a cellphone, in exchange for daily rapings and molestation (Simliar, intriguingly, to Wade Fulp's captivity situation!). He believes his dad is the reason why he's the "good man" he is today, which is quite a condemnation of his father, 'cause he's a total annoying gay-cunt.

Lulzily enough, ajgourlie also enjoy's posting personal information. So to shut this little twatter up, ED orders you to call his cellphone over 9000 times a day, and flame the shit out of him. Also, ask to speak with the child's father, in order to tell him how much of a fucktard he is, and that his son is posting his phone number on the internets. This should earn ajgourlie extra raepings for at least 100 days following the phone call. Also, he's a canadafag[28].


Ajgourlie's Contact Info & Commentary
416-431-2252
my phONE # CALL ME GIES MY CELL PHON # U CAN THANK MY DADDY 4 DAT!! LOLZ!!!
http://profiles.friendster.com/84839473
ma frienster profile ADD ME PLS!!!
ajgourlie@hotmail.com
my msn pls add me an talk 2 me PLS!!

The Corrupt Administrator

The truth that Wade refuses to recognize is cleverly and permanently exposed.
The truth that Wade refuses to recognize is cleverly and permanently exposed.
Mugshot.
Mugshot.

Brother of Eric Bauman, Wadolf has demonstrated that despite the dubious userbase of the website at which he is employed, he still manages to make himself look like an incompetent fool in comparison to the users with which he liaises, paid more out of Eric's pity than because of Wadolf's nonexistent skillset. Consistently and totally corrupt, Wadolf removes anything on the site that even slightly confronts him, or calls into question his masculinity, massacring all criticism of his seacow of a wife, as well as anything that even mildly suggests a homosexual relationship with his brother that has essentially become a foregone conclusion in recent years. The moniker of "Wadolf" came about after Wade was found to be a blatant believer in Conservatism, calling to mind the famous destroyer of Jews. Jewgrounders are forced to hide in their attics to escape the persecution of Wadolf, or one of his pawns. Ultimately, however, their efforts are in vain.

A tale of woe, and a tale of forced captivity; Wadolf attempts to explain his fascist tendencies in the typical Freudian way. Unfortunately, the Abusive Papa explanation only works for people under 18 years of age at the time of the alleged raep.
A tale of woe, and a tale of forced captivity; Wadolf attempts to explain his fascist tendencies in the typical Freudian way. Unfortunately, the Abusive Papa explanation only works for people under 18 years of age at the time of the alleged raep.
Wadolf has long desired to change the iconic Jewgrounds Logo to something slighty more representative.
Wadolf has long desired to change the iconic Jewgrounds Logo to something slighty more representative.

Recently, though, Wade made an admission of epic proportions. Drunk, perhaps from sipping the intoxicating blood of one of his Jewish victims, Wadolf told a woeful story of abuse and neglect in his childhood early twenties, the majority of which is chronicled in the image to the left. Shortly after making the post, it was deleted, presumably because the old dictator passed out from Jew-blood poisoning, and let his head fall down upon the "DELETE" key. There are, however, alternative theories regarding the deletion. ­ Chiefly among them, that [Wade's father http://tomsdad.newgrounds.com] (who always favored the younger, less fascist of the two brothers, Eric Bauman), decided that the police would not take kindly to his emotionally-scarred son's accusations of rape as a directionless young man, whereby the elder Bauman seduced the progeny and ruthlessly took advantage of his sexual ambiguity in order to gratify his own bizarre fetishes. Thus, tinfoil-hatters tend to believe that the father had the post baleeted, to perpetuate the silence and shame of his son. ­ ­

Moderators

The Newgrounds BBS has many moderators, most of whom are teenage girls that got to be where they are by constantly sucking admin cock. All of them were personally appointed by Wade, so shittiness is an absolute guarantee. The mods' job is to ban people who say funny things and delete topics that make people happy. They also spend most of their time makin shitty in-jokes that nobody gets, but people laugh to seem smart.

A breakdown of the mods is as follows:

Actual Moderators

The mod ratio to best tell them apart.
The Jewgrounds mods in attendance at their annual mod-meat / circlejerk.
The Jewgrounds mods in attendance at their annual mod-meat / circlejerk.
  • Bigbadron: An asshole who will ban you if you disagree with him. If you win the arguement, he will ban the shit out of you. Motto is "Stern, stern but fair." HAHAHAHHAH! UPDATE: NO LONGER A MEMBER OF THE CIRCLE JERK COMMITTEE
  • Ozcar: Is a dirty, filthy Mexican who not only doesn't understand the status quo, but is also teh ghey in addition to owning an extensive collection of gay pr0n.
  • Sarai: An azn cocktease who is only there to talk about how hawt she is. The other moderators bukkake on her face later. She stepped down when she refused to post pics of herself naked.
Oh, Zerok. Planet Earth + Hard Liquor = Alcoholic.
Oh, Zerok. Planet Earth + Hard Liquor = Alcoholic.
  • Zerok: A massive faggot from the Virgin Islands (seriously) whose only purpose in life is to play chess and remind people that he is a college student and therefore possesses a superior intellect. He also nurses an alcohol addiction, which he attempts unsuccessfully to assuage by watching DVD episodes of Planet Earth every night, and crying himself to sleep.
  • Maus: Filthy dyke who pretends to have decent poetry. Is anti-photoshop threads.
  • Stamper: This douchebag's favorite activity is drawing phalli for the legions of homosexual users to drool over. He's actually paid by Bauman to render this service
  • DanMalo: The only time this blatantly emo and bisexual user appears is to post semi-nude pictures for the public enjoyment. You think that's a joke? DanMalo, it is widely known, is finely attuned to his own sexual needs, which include bestiality, posing nude for a large audience of 13 year old boys via the Jewgrounds forums, and being always on the lookout, ever vigilant for a clever piece of photographic whimsy and symbolism that could cause nary a Jewgrounder to be disappointed by the risquée display (A cat, girded against his loins. Oh, the symbolism).


"Hai guyz, just fucking my cat, you know... the regular!"
 
“ 		 
I jumped that border like a Mexican a long time ago.
  		„
 

—DanMalo giving the typical nonchalant response to an inquiry put forth asking the million dollar question: "Borderline Gay?"

JadeTheNewfag, attempting to /b/.
JadeTheNewfag, attempting to /b/.
  • JadeTheAssassin: Rare is the occasion that one happens across a person with absolutely no redeeming qualities; ugly, nerdy, and reactionary are all adjectives that could accurately be used in a description of this colossal monstrosity of human devolution. It is blatantly obvious that, like all other mods, and perhaps especially in "her" case, the only reason that she wields the banhammer is that "she" is particularly skilled at moving her dry, cracked, and generally ill-maintained lips up and down the shaft of a certain administrator's penis, inducing a blinding orgasm of goodwill.
  • mamatequila: Canadian pothead dyke who spends her free time luring men into possible sexual intercourse, then cuts off their dicks.
  • SardonicSamurai: Samurai is approaching weeabooism. Sardonic smacks of pseudo-intellectuality
  • HAQnSPITT: Nobody knows who the fuck this is, because "she" never fucking posts. Why is she a mod? Ask Wadolf. In fact, while you're at it, ask Wadolf about the over 9000 other mods that have been appointed over the last few years, that never actually post.
  • EyeLovePoozy: Obtained modship by streaming live video on PalTalk of himself masturbating while sitting in the cab of a crane.
Accepted Moderator Philosophy
Accepted Moderator Philosophy
  • MindChamber: A "major" Mod who has to keep Eric and Wadolf company, gets butthurt if other men offer to flash their dicks at the live webcams.
  • gumOnshoe: The latest faggot mod to grace the virgin presence of Jewgrounds. No matter how many admins he he manages to suck off, his ass always ends up handed to him on a silver platter by lowly commoners who see through his transparent ruse. Previously a regular, and also former mod bigbadron's small and insignificant shadow, GoS's favorite activity (after fellatio) is sitting upon his undeserved throne of modship, and proclaiming haughtily to nobody in particular of the many cringeworthy undertakings he has spearheaded to exploit the pseudo-talent of others for his own political gain, and the astonishing amount of admin semen which he has gathered in his short time thusfar on Earth.
The many faces of Canas
The many faces of Canas
  • Canas: A washed up, has-been mod. He quits Newgrounds regularly whenever his pussy becomes packed with itchy, itchy sand. Then, he returns again because he has no life, and is a faggot who needs attention and derives sustenance from Wade's cock. He also has been known to edit out inconvenient truths about himself from this ED article while stomping his feet and crying hysterically.
  • StephanosGnomon: An egotistical, overbearing social outcast/wigger who spent most of his life living in the comfort of suburban New York and roughly only ten minutes on the website itself. Deep in his 20's, he still lives in his parents basement where he constructed a "fort" to ward off outside society. His hobbies involve making famous rapper's mansions out of Lego, and masturbating furiously to pictures of himself with backwards hats. This mod has also been known to PWN the modfaggot known as "himself", regularly. Which ultimately leads to his butthurt ego running and crying to his daddy, just upstairs, while he tries, impotently to defame others via Encylclopedia websites, lol.
  • Everyone else: Who fuckin' cares? lol

Pseudo-Moderators

A few pathetic individuals wish desperately that they were mods, not realizing what lameshits they are for aspiring to reach a bar set so painfully low that their hairless balls dangle from their natural state (sans undergarments), and brush ever-so-lightly across the bar's rusted surface as they move, day-by-day, towards the state of penultimate homosexuality that is their main pursuit in life.

  • Jossos: Actually, she's not a mod, but tries desperately hard to become one by sucking them off at every available opportunity.
  • FBIpolux: A French Canadian faggot and the male equivalent of Jossos, the only difference being he will not only suck off mods on command but then about face and take Greek.
  • Grammer: A user who is only well-known for his intentional misspelling of grammar, which drives grammar Nazis crazy. He is considered one of the biggest mod-suckers on NG.
  • Frank-The-Hedgehog: The name explains everything.
  • cellardoor6: A pro-American troll who regularly hijacks non-political threads by filling each page with Bush-sucking propaganda. This part-Arabic half terrorist Jew who is also a Mormon Nazi regularly types several paragraphs filled with statistics and history lessons all in order to reply to and "own" one single non-American user who says "America sux" jokingly.
  • CapnCrunchDaPimp: Post-whoring kike who spams the BBS with unoriginal "HAI GUYZ WUTZ UR FAV METAL BAND/METAL SONG/METAL SONG U LISTEN 2 WHEN WATCHING GHEY PR0N LIEK ME!" topics while seriously lacking in the lulz department. Is also a retard with a lazy eye.
  • Sawke: A girl that goes on Failgrounds... who knew?
  • HotActionYiffFur: A furfag from the midwest. He, Along with Dark6, his gay lover, compose crappy techno music and put them on a site where none of the buttons fucking work. He has the mental maturity of a nine year old.
  • Ejit: Brother of Ejit's sister
  • N-Antichrist: HxC Naruto fag who insists guns should be phased out because 'they're boring'. Retard.
  • Gagsy: The fattest of the fatties, who once posted a lulzy glamshot that has now been lost forever, this actually-female, mod-sucker's number of friends on Jewgrounds is inversely proportional to the number she has IRL. Who, anyways, could endure the constant smell of Fritos, Pepsi, feminine juices, and sweat, fermenting for years without exposure to soap on the big-boned body of this admitted britfag?
  • Sectus: This Pathetic Excuse for a human being wishes unbelievably to be a mod, but doesn't have the guts to get it, and at times he gets depressed like a stupid goth and says he'll never make the position, but in newgrounds, any old crack-head can be modded, so wish him luck!

And How, Pray Tell, Might I Become a Mod?

  1. Abandon all hopes of procreation and/or use of the phrase "irl". These will only serve to hinder the slow siphoning of life force from your rectum — A process that all future moderators must undergo before being bestowed the ultimate honor. Your irl is now modship. Your soulmate is now Newgrounds.
  2. Refrain from performing actions that might be construed as altruistic, funny, or interesting in any way shape or form. There's nothing interesting about you, you self-possessed ingrate. You live to serve Newgrounds.
  3. Perform fellatio on existing mods whenever possible. Geek orgasms are known to produce spurts of goodwill mixed in a colloidal solution with semen during ejaculation. Now you are fully prepared for your tenure as a loyal servant.
  4. Drink aforementioned semen solution. While performing this action, post a slew of "witty" emoticons in the hopes of being pegged for modship material.
  5. Travel, uninvited, to Newgrounds HQ, located in the unassuming town of Perkasie, Pennsylvania.
  6. Enter yourself into the literal circle of sodomy which includes all mods that Newgrounds employs;
  7. Fit your folds of perineal flab around the micropenis of the mod to your aft.
  8. Place your own micropenis (No girls allowed!) into the crusty, elasticized anus of the mod in front of you.
  9. Ejaculate in ecstasy.
  10. ????
  11. Profit!

UPDATE! Recently all ads at the bottom of the page are for Gaia. The redesign was mainly fit for marketing, it seems, as there are ads on new submissions and Gaia ads everywhere. Way to go, Eric; you've taken the Jew safehouse that was Jewgrounds, and transmogrified it into the equivalent of Nazi-fascist MySpace. I'm sure Your brother was most pleased.


ANOTHER UPDATE! On the subject of more ads, if you are enough of a faggot to have an account on Newgrounds an ad is placed, without your consent, on your userpage profile. That is, if you haven't posted in your blog or haven't really contributed content to the site, you get the benefit of being greeted by Zwinky ads at every waking moment of your sad, female-depraved existence.

OMG MOAR UPDATE! In yet another attempt to make Newgrounds exactly the same as MySpace, as well as every other site on the Internet, you can now embed your unfunny videos into your blog. Mass exploitation is expected, assuming NGers can work out how to actually embed them in the first place.
Retrieved from "http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Newgrounds"
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