Internets

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Internets is part of a series of tubes.

Internets

The newest cover of Internets for Dummies.

The Internets. It's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes. They are primarily used to transfer information between tech-savy individuals across the planet. The phrase itself was originally coined by the previous ruler of earth, Xenu. They have, in recent years, evolved into the greatest MMORPG of all time, where players choose one of two factions and compete for either lulz or anti-lulz. This of course divides into many smaller classes and such, each with their own culture, ideas, and often language. In fact, the internets are basically an electronic version of Earth--who woulda thunk it?

Even in olde tymes, word of Ted Stevens' failure ran rampant.

How the internet is controlled.

Is your internet tube up to it?

Internets Explained

The internet was invented by us. The internet was ruined by Al Gore when he wrote a check to some scientists to make the first graphical web browser, some argue that he is the AIDS that lowered the internets T blood cell count. With a GUI now available, people on my main street could finally realize the limitless power of computing via AOL chatrooms. Though AOL is dead and is only used by women who haven't been forced by their boyfriends to use firefox -- it was the gate that let the retards in. Seizing upon these inexperienced, confused, and curious powerusers, crafty businessmen developed web 2.0, social networking, and user generated content (the common cold that killed the internet). You ~~control~~ ruined it.

History

The birth of the lulz.

Map of the internets on the Orinoco River

The internets were developed by Al Gore and Joseph Dicklicker at the request of the US military in the early 1960s as an expedient means by which to share pornography between various installations in continental United States, and later, Europe and Asia. Pornography was largely illegal at the time and before the virtuous self-sacrifice of Larry Flynt, one could find a few tit shots here and there, but pink and penetration were considered criminal obscenity punishable by death, followed by castration. In order to evade mail searches by officious police and customs officials, internet pornography was sent by means of kibbles, bits and bytes, which could only be deciphered by powerful computers.

The Vietnam War spurred further development of the internet, in order to both allow the transfer of high quality American pornography to the troops stationed in Asia, and allow fresh CP taken in Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos and Thailand to quickly be transferred back to the United States. In the 1972, the decision was made to extend internet service to American research universities, after sources in the pentagon determined that students at MIT had a copy of Deep Throat that they would upload if given the opportunity. Although it is still often referred to as the interweb, a reference to the spider web which once carried optical signals, this term is now technically incorrect, as information is now passed through a series of tubes, more akin to a sewer system.

The Internets (formally known as the Al Gore eXperience), a magical cloud of information that floats over your head in the stratosphere, was invented at least 100 years ago by Al Gore and pluralized by George W. Bush. At first it was used only by the army, ensuring that in the event of nuclear war, officers could still view porn. Some time around 1981 or 2007 (if you're a FAG !!!1!), some guy in his basement found that he could use his Atari 2600 with his 300 baud modem to steal the internet for himself. 5 years later, AOL streamlined this process and the Internets as we know them now were born. Only these days, there is way moar free pr0n and moar warez. It is rumoard there may be small pockets of useful information hidden deep in the bowels of the Internets. This has been proven to be false. Presently, scientists believe the Internets to be the greatest proof that most of our species is totally fucking batshit insane, outdoing even the Holocaust and white people.

The Internets is also unique to history in one way. Any person who uses the Internets has no idea what they're doing on it. Whereas most people who use a car know the basics of driving, no one on the Internets has a damn clue how to use the Internets. While the functional value of the Internet may be debated, its comedic value is off the charts. It has also been scientifically proven that the moar you use the Internets, the less you will get smex.

What is the Internets?

The Internet is Serious Business

Internets: The keyboard is like a magic carpet ride to a land filled with knowledge and pornograhy. Not featured in photograph: pedobear.

Ill gotten internet monies

Even Picard knows it's serouse buissnes.

OMG INTERNETS

Serious business on the internet is the result of anti-social lusers suddenly having a means to communicate with each other through the magic of the tube truck, or whatever, and the collective realization that whatever happens online is more important than anything you will ever do IRL, because your life means nothing, and you are pretty pathetic overall. Thereby, whenever a conflict arises OL it's DAMN important. When you have nothing else to do with your day every slight, disagreement, or misunderstanding automatically becomes SERIOUS BUSINESS. When an entire culture is based around blowing things out of proportion, you can expect things to go awry on a fairly regular basis.

A Series of Tubes

At least 100 years ago, whilst digging a hole in his basement, Chairman of the Senate Internets Pwning Committee, Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) discovered that the Internets]] is not a big truck after all but actually just a series of tubes [1] and that said tubes are all clogged up with the crap from all the spam and pr0n. Mr. Stevens plans to learn how to use a computer in order to test his theory, sometime after he stops smoking crack, and out of rehab.

“	Guess what, this is the Internets, people DON'T GIVE A FUCK.	„
—Anonymous, saying the truth.

Real life video game

It was also discovered by Fox News that a group of domestic terrorists [the internet hate machine (a group of hackers on steroids)] had turned the Web into a real-life video game. This game involves activities such as sacking Web sites, creating chaos, blowing up yellow vans and disrupting innocent people's lives.

How It Works

Internet food chain.

Noone knows how the Internets work, nor do they care. Extensive research by Alan Turing shows that they can have intelligence and be indistinguishable from people but it has since been deciphered that they communicate in very different ways.

Computers talk like this:

ONE ZERO ZERO ONE ZERO ZERO ONE ONE ONE ZERO!

People talk like this

"LOLLERCOASTER!!!! ^_________________^ ASL"

Neither one makes any sense but sometimes the computers replace the ONE ZERO stuff with BEEPS and BOOPS like on non-cable modems (the phone kind, aka dial-up). Because that travels over speech wires. Cable Modems are faster because they travel over TV. The scrolling stuff at the bottom of CNN Headline News is fast like a cable modem.

Everybody likes to flame people for asking for illegal warez, but in truth EVERYTHING on the internet is illegal. That includes YouTube, mp3s, and anything on 4chan. There is no such thing as legal on the Internets.

It has also been speculated that the Armenians have used their magic powers to give birth to the internet at least 100 years ago but this was dismissed as total bullshit at a meeting last Thursday. However, it was agreed that Jews did 9/11, and that Turkish culture is an oxymoron.

How 2 internet

Excuse me, WTF are you doing?

Wear your thickest skin
Get Internets
Troll
shock images
Megaloader
Downloads a map.
PWN nubs
Screencaps.
????
PROFIT!

Internet Phenomenon

The "internet phenomenon" is the tendency for suicide, murder, and rape to increase as people gain access to the Internet. It is best described as an exponential curve which most developed countries are just starting to travel.

An Internet Phenomenon can also take the form of an annoying game or meme that spreads itself around the internet so much that it is considered a phenomenon.

Anonymity

Privacy is for babies.

It's been scientifically proven that the Internets instantly turns you into an ass. This is due to the fact that unlike IRL, there are absolutely no social consequences to how you behave (e.g., using "internets" exclusively to refer to The Internet, because it's "really funny" [in any context] and makes you a legitimate member of The Community, with no subsequent mass slapdowns). This lead to a famous IRC quote that can be found here.

Anonymity also allows people to entertain bizarre notions that would otherwise be suppressed or dismissed as completely inappropriate for an intelligent human being. Prior to the invention of the Internets, geographic separation and social sensibility would have made people think twice before having a bowel movement in their under clothing. The Internets however has facilitated the formation of a communities where similarly damaged individuals provide each other with mutual legitimization.

Rumors on the Internets

This is where the rumors are

Besides helping pedophiles better locate prey and giving basement-dwelling nerds a place to feel cool, the Internets has successfully promulgated moar rumors than any other previous form of media. Thanks to the Internets, if you can think of it, it probably has an associated rumor.

Conspiracy Based

The most widely-known rumors are almost all "conspiracy-based," which is to say that they hinge upon an "us versus them" mindset (where "us" equals everything good and normal, and "them" equals everything wrong with the world). Some especially popular conspiracy rumors include:

Conservative conspiracies
Liberal conspiracies
The Encyclopedia Dramatica conspiracy
Homosexual conspiracies (also known as the Homosexual agenda)
The worldwide Masonic conspiracy
The Anti Internet Activists
Most importantly, The Potato Conspiracy
The MONGO DID WTC conspiracy
The Nigger conspiracy

Non-Conspiracy Based

OH NOES

I have it on good authority that if you type "Google" into Google, you can break the internet.

Of course, not all rumors are conspiracy-oriented; many are just stories spread by various sources about certain individuals or groups. Common subjects of rumor, as well as those vectors and groups by which they are spread, include:

Videos

How to Win at the Internets

The internet is for porn and nothing moar

Gallery

The internet; because you wont find this in any books.	internets come in a box with a handy-dandy cat.	Quick reference guide provided for ease of use.	Moar internets plz.
Shopping for the correct internet can sometimes prove to be an intimidating task, and professional assistance is usually recommended.	The mystery of wireless, revealed.	How to be a professional Internet-er. Note the letter of the correct answer.	W knows about the serious business
THIS WAY TO THE INTERNET	Carrie's mom thinks the internets is a sin!	Failed the internets rat race.	all hail teh internets dawg.
Before the internets, this man was cordial	~~Map of the internets.~~ About as accurate as Dianetics. /b/ware.	Even less accurate map of the internet.	~~For great justice.~~ Only 3 marks?
Accurate depiction of the internet IRL. Note the tubes.	YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG	TO THE INTERNET!!	Typical reaction to Rule 34
pedobear is going to get you on the internet.