Mario
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Mario is the fat, greasy, Italian mascot for Nintendo and has starred in many (roughly 90%) of their games due to Shigeru Miyamoto's inability to come up with new characters.
The Games
Donkey Kong
Totally not related to King Kong in anyway, this game has Mario JUMPMAN saving the helpless Pauline from the clutches of a ronery ape.
Super Mario Bros.
Mario and his brother Luigi save the Princess from a giant turtle. To aid them on their quest, they have a variety of power-ups, such as flowers, mushrooms, and stars.
I'm going to stay away from the obvious loldrugs joke.
Below is Seth MacFarlane's interpretation of Super Mario bros.:
Super Mario Bros 2
Mario, Luigi, that mushroom-midget thing, and the Princess team up to battle a frog. They kill it with vegetables, but not really, because IT WAS ALL A DREAMLOL!
It's a cuntpasted version of another game called Doki Doki Panic. The original sequel was thought to be too hard for American gamers.
Super Mario Bros. 3
Mario and Luigi have to save seven kings who, along with being kidnapped, had their seven MAGIK WANDS stolen and were turned into animals by each of the seven Koopa Kids. However, in World Seven, Mario finds out that those seven kidnappings were all just a distraction so Bowser could nab Princess Toadstool. Seven seven seven.
Bowser isn't the brightest bulb in the box, but he at least deserves a Gold Star for effort. Until you see what shitty plans Bowser comes up with in the future. Then it's torn off like an old Band-Aid.
Super Mario World
The same game as 3, but for the Super Nintendo. The only difference is that this time you get to ride a dinosaur named Yoshi AND OMG YOU GET A CAPE INSTEAD OF A TAIL!1
Mario Kart
Mario and his friends skid around various tracks in cardboard go-karts and throw shit at each other for trophies. There have been sequels, but it's the same general concept of Mario and his friends throwing shit at each other.
Super Mario RPG
The starting plot is the same as SMB 1 but then this giant Sword rams into Bowser's castle and shit goes flying everywhere.
So, Mario has to find Star Pieces to reassemble the some Star Road and look for the Princess. It's like Final Fantasy (it was made by the same company), but HE KNOWS ABOUT TIMED HITS which can be used for MAXIMUM DAMAGE. Also the source of Geno, who is a fucking living puppet, and Mallow, but nobody cares about him.
Mario is Missing
Bowser is up to no good again, so Mario must put a stop to his evil deeds!!!!111Oneoneone.
What poorly-made plan has Bowser cooked up this time to steal the Princess? None. Thank god.
Instead, Bowser has set up base in the Antarctic and he plans to flood the Earth by melting it with hairdryers. (Yes, you read that correctly. Unless you read it as Hard Drivers, in which case, get some glasses you blind nigger.) When Mario tries to stop Bowser's hilarious nefarious scheme, he gets his ass caught. Luigi then has to travel around the world and answer trivia questions to save his brother. It's exactly as entertaining as it sounds.
Melting Antarctica with haridryers? No, just no.
The PC version of the game gave birth to the meme known as Weegee.
Super Mario 64
Bowser takes over the Princess's castle (which is nothing but an art gallery) and hides Power Stars in various painting worlds instead of actually doing anything with them. In this AMAZING 64 BIT ADVENTURE, you run around collecting the Power Stars that, coincidentally, do nothing, and fight Bowser at least 100 times (each battle the fucking same thing.)
Paper Mario
Same as SMRPG but every character is a fucking piece of paper. Bowser steals a Star Rod, gets sued by Kirby for copyright infringement, wins, and decides to use it for himself. Peach invites Mario and Luigi to a party at the castle, during which the whole castle rises up in the sky and Bowser pwns the shit out of Mario with his Star Rod. OMFG! So now Mario has to free some shit star spirits to re-own Bowser and his damn Star Rod, with the help of all his partners. He has several of these partners to help him out on his contrived quest, but they are hardly notable and very shitty. The series has also spawned two equally formulaic sequels of collecting 7 shiny pieces of shit to kill somebody. Hooray!
Super Smash Bros.
A Nintendo fanboy's wet dream come to life. The game is basically a giant circlejerk of various Nintendo characters beating the shit out of each other. So, essentially, it's fucking awesome.
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door
The world is once again turned into paper, and now it's up to Mario to go collect OMFGJESUSCHRIST EVEN MORE!!!!!!! fucking Stars. That's right, and 7 of them! Who would've thought? But there's a twist: You can die in the overworld! There's also a fucking guy with a fishbowl for a head who wants them too! Holy shit! Of course, Mario also has partners that join him, because apparently Mario's too helpless to kick ass without help. Mario's partners, in this game, are all freakish mutants who society rejected... Let's see...
- Goombella, a PMS-ing bitch.
- Koops, a pussy.
- Flurrie, a nudist. And attractive women are NEVER nudist, are they? No, it's always the big fat fucking cows. Unfortunately for Mario, she wants inside his pants.
- A Yoshi, whom you get to name after you get him. Acts like a total douche the entire game.
- Vivian, a prostitute-like shadow-freaky lady who wants inside Mario's pants. But in japan she's a boy.
- Captain Bobbery, an old pedophile who blows himself
up, and is emo for his dead wife. He desperately wants to die. - Ms. Mowz, a random convict who wants inside Mario's pants.
Yes, every female (and possibly male) wants inside Mario's pants, desperately. This fact is made painfully obvious throughout the game.
Super Mario Sunshine
Mario flies around on a water jet pack for 20 hours until you get bored to death. The object of this game is to clean up a ghetto neighborhood and kill the nigger that made all the graffiti.
sUpeR MaRio GalAxY
Waggle and jump around on tiny space-rocks, following a linear path to the star, jumping around on cartoony levels to appeal to the younger crowds.
...that's it. Going from point A to point B 9,003 times, occasionally stopping to collect shit or take part in epic tedious boss fights.
After collecting all 120 stars, what do you get? YOU GET TO DO IT ALL AGAIN! But as Weegee, who jumps higher but has shit traction. What do you get after beating the game again? You get to go back to the starting level of the game and collect purple coins! Fuck yes!
Easily the best Mario game ever made.
Mario & Sonic at the Special Olympics
Mario and his friends find some furfags and a fat scientist, and then they compete in the fucking Special Olympics. Nobody gives a shit about this game now, due to Sonic in Brawl.
Super Paper Mario
Same old story as the first two, except in this game, he gets partners that aren't necessarily gay, but they aren't heterosexual either. This time around, he gets to team up with Tippi, Princess Peach, Luigi, and Bowser. It's different from the other two Paper Mario games in that there's less turnbased combat and more of the awesome platforming.
Other Games
Keep in mind, the above mentioned games only make up a small percentage of the games in which Mario has starred. Mario has also been featured in at least 100 other games (no exaggeration), all of which can be viewed here.
Mario Teaches Sex-Ed
Gallery of Mario
| Gallery | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
See Also
External Links
- Mario on Newgrounds- MARRYO VERSUS VEGETA OMGGG
- Zero Punctuation Review of Super Mario Galaxy
 |
Mario is part of a series on Gaming. |
