Nintendo

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Mario, Nintendo's Italian mascot.

Common art.

Nintendo is the wapanese computer / gaming empire that has spawned the likes of Mario, Luigi, Starfox, Kirby and countless other pixilated video game heroes. It has raped the common American household of its income for the past twenty years, but this has actually proved to be a benefit in some cases, as it keeps the bucks away from the thirty year old adult who lives in his parent's basement trying to beat Super Mario World for the 9,001st time. Over time, its gaming franchise has grown and enjoyed varying amounts of success and setbacks caused by cheap products and rushing games out before they had a chance to contain more features. In recent years, however, Nintendo has had trouble fighting off competitors such as Sony and Microshit, who advertise their products can also play DVDs and such. For instance, most of the newer videogame disks are smaller than most CD's, and, as PissedOffVideoGamer puts it, looks like cookies, because CD's are too big to be cookies, amirite?

Also, for some strange, currently unknown reason Nintendo hates Europe more than Hitler hates the Jews.

History

Shigeru Miyamoto in final form.

It all started at least 100 years ago in Japan, when certain Japs began making playing cards. Upon a visit to the United States, Yamauchi, then president, visited his highest competitor, US Playing Cards, and said to their president "HORY SHIT! YOUR OFFICE SO SMARR!" This prompted the wise businessman to get out of the playing card racket and into other business ventures, such as taxi service and love hotels (srsly, read it). They even made toys, such as love tester, but their toys were often worse than the other Japanese shit produced in the 1960's and 70's.

The vision that started it all...

So, with that, and after failing in every single venture, Nintendo tried their luck with electronics. Their first electronic device came out in 1977 and featured exciting games such as Light Tennis. Enter Shigeru Miyamoto. This product developer student was in charge of developing the casing for said game. Working a job that was almost impossible to fail at, he rose into the company ranks as Nintendo started producing arcade games. Shigeru began developing the arcade games, and in 1981, he developed Donkey Kong, ~~which was originally supposed to be called "Monkey Kong", but Shigeru was using a Japanese telephone to say the name, so the words were garbled.~~ The game featured a red blob which was supposed to be a plumber, and a brown blob attempting to steal a pink and peach blob. Nevertheless, the game was a hit in every wop Pizza Parlor in New Yohrk. Other consoles, such as Game & Watch and Famicon soon followed. And FYI, anyone with half a brain should notice the name is "nine ten dough", which is memespeak for how many seconds before Homer fucks something up.

Shigeru Miyamoto, Reggie Fils-Aime, Satoru Iwata, and Wise Beard Man hoopin' it up.

Game Consoles

NES

Super Mario Bros. 2

In 1985, all was well with Nintendo. But Shigeru was growing tired of selling games to little Japanese boys and not American boys. So, he introduced the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) to the masses and epic win was witnessed. Now eighties children could sit at home and play Super Mario Brothers for free (because mumzy and dadzy would buy the console and the games, amirite?) The revenue brought in from the new product was enough to buy all the children of Kenya golden houses. But they didn't. Instead, they created a little toy robot creatively named ROB who was to help sell the NES System. ROB was also made into a complete product, costing just a little less than the console, and featured two whole games to go with it.

A star is born!

Certain games were very popular with the NES, which included Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Brothers 3, Super Marion Brothers 3, and The Legend of Zelda. All games had little if any saving ability, meaning the player was expected to play all games non stop, or at least until their eyes bled and/or they controllers were too covered in pizza to continue.

Gayboy(Game Boy)

Because Miyamoto and the boys at Nintendo were butthurt over their old hand-held consoles, Game Boys flew into the market and into the hands of children, lonely adults, and the criminally insane. Consoles would feature a screen about six inches square and would eat up batteries like no one else's business. They also featured games that we less challenging, smaller, and much less exciting. Each time Nintendo comes out with a Game Boy, or a GB clone like GBA, it's pretty much the same story: eats your batteries like a fat ass (DS uses Li bats FGT) complete with smaller screens and somewhat simple game play. Notable failures include Game Boy Pocket, Game Boy Color, and Game Boy Advanced. The only games that really saved the Game Boy series is probably the Pokemon game series, featuring timeless characters like mudkips and Gary Oak, with the last character always in "ghost mode".

SNES

Typical Super Nintendo. Chick not included.

Dark clouds were on the Horizon. American companies were increasingly butthurt over the fact Nintendo seemed to have a monopoly. Nintenny was found guilty, and SEGA entered the market and immediately began to make better and more shocking games involving Michael Jordan and a mustachioed bald guy molesting a hedgehog. Nintendo was totally pwned. So, to combat this situation, Nintendo released the Super Nintendo, SNES, and win was once again achieved. The game featured cutting-edge 16-bit graphics and totally original games, like Super Mario World, The Legend of Zelda, and other sequels from the NES System. This is the console that spawned the Final Fantasy and Starfox series, though. However, SEGA maintained a foothold on the competition until they completely exploded with the arrival of the Dreamcast, some years later.

Virtual Boy

Gunpei Yokoi then had a brilliant idea: why not make gamers "think" they're playing the game they're actually playing? With that, the Virtual Boy was released and was quickly one huge steaming package of fail, despite already being a failure in Japan. No one bought it. Some argue it was the black-on-red wireframe levels which turned off a lot of people, as well as a constant desire to puke during gameplay due to the disorientation of the wireframe levels. Plus, you look like an ass playing it.

Nintendo 64

Losing in SSB

Nintendo was initially working with 3D-like games with the SNES, such as Starfox. But, Shigeru had yet another stroke of genius. He canned all of the SNES projects and moved some of them to a new console in the works, the Nintendo 64, feeling that the console would be ready in a few months. Almost two years later, the 64 came out, beating out sales by previous consoles in significant multiples. Later on, the console would do the same but in returns. Many gamers ended up hating the 64 due to it's terrible graphics and shitty games, or lack thereof. This was due in part to the horrible and buggy console itself, which allowed only 4kb in its texture cache, limiting most games to appearing like a thirteen year old's project on Autocad. Don't forget the great games like Super Mario 64, Starfox 64, Perfect Dark and Superman 64 (holy shit, someone made a page for this game!)

During this time, the Sony Playstation came out on CD's (cutting edge!), releasing better game series including elves and a emos, putting in angst and crazy hair (OMG AERIS DIES!!!!!!). Sony would've developed a strong edge in the competition had it not been for the explosion of Pokemons. The result was many Japanese and American kids getting useless games featuring an electric squirrel and other nonsense. That gaming series alone is what saved Nintendo throughout this dark time. Oh, and SEGA bit the dust.

Nintendo Gamecube

Microsoft began entering the gaming market a few years later, because they needed another monopoly to keep raking in millions upon millions per day. Sony also wanted to cash in and totally redesign their Playstations. Miyamoto and Nintendo got wind of this some time later and went to work on their answer to the competitors products. What the consumers received was more bullshit. Unlike their competitor's consoles, the Xbox and Playstation 2, Nintendo decided to make a console that was not compatible with CD's, DVDs, or pretty much anything else. So for the same price, a person could buy either a console that could play CD's, DVDs, and cool games like Final Fantasy or Halo, or said person could buy a console that would only play exciting clone games like Mario Kart and Starfox Adventures. Oh yeah, the latter also has no on-line capabilities. People quickly made the tough choice and the Gamecube was on second hand shelves in no time.

Nintendo Wii

Winning in SSBB.

The most recent console added to Nintendo's repertoire is the Wii, officially pronounced Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (every letter counts, faggot). Rather than aim at making a console similar to its competitors Playstation (PS3) and Microsoft (Xbox 360), Nintendo chose a different route and decided to make a game with a remote for a controller and advertise it with old Japanese men coming over to people's homes and saying "feel me" in their commercials. The games itself were alright - featuring more Mario clone games and Super Smash Brother Brawl - but again, the same problems continued: little selection of games and limited options, unlike the competitors' consoles. Plus many players quickly grew tired of using a remote for a controller and shitty "sports" games with wonderful art and mapping such as bowling and golf (because it's better to play at home and knock down pixilated pins rather than real ones, right?). However, the reviews have been mildly entertaining:

It should also be noted that many Wii players have complained about smashing their televisions with the Wiimote after playing a really hardcore game of Wii Tennis. It should be noted that if one wishes to prevent X'ing their TV, one should put the wiimote strap on their wrist tightly, but not too tightly.

Lulz Note: Twilight Princess will be a launch title- but the Gamecube version will be just as playable with a REAL controller so why pay $250 for a new system? Unless you're a fanboy anyway.

Emotional Fanboys

Our fearless fanboy example.

What fanboys doodle on the backs of homeworks.

Most Nintendo fanboys will defend the Nintenny products to the death. Often quoting lines of famous Nintendo players, such as "Pikachu!" or "It's a-me, Mario!" or "You gonna get raped!", they typically own at least five Nintendo consoles, have shitty pictures of Mario they drew hung up in their room, own at least one shirt with either a 1-up Mushroom or an NES controller with the words "KNOW YER ROOTS!", a collection of Pokemon cards (none of which are Mudkip ;_;), often scream when they don't get a simple puzzle because it reminds them of playing Porky Pig's Haunted Holiday, and frequent Nintendo rule 34 such as the examples peppered about the page. It is easy to spot a Nintenny fanboy: they usually have a few Nintendo keychains, thick glasses (because playing Nintendo at two in the morning ruined their eyes as a kid), acne, messy dandruff-ridden hair, and for some reason like the taste of watermelons (srsly). Oh, and they're either Wapanese-girl thin or fucking fat. Some are also tourneyfags.

When encountering a fanboy, it is best to walk away, but some are trollworthy. However, one must never delve into any discussions regarding the following:

How Nintendo is much worse than Microsoft and Sony's products.
How the Mario Bros. series is based on an acid trip.
How Mario represents communism and Bowser is a capitalist.
How Pokemon are ultimately used to convert people to fags.
How Nintendo gave up on the Final Fantasy Series.

Be warned, fair troll, you will encounter an entirely butthurt, whiny argument lasting no less than four hours, where said fanboy will try to connive, dance, even throw red herrings and make obscene jokes about your mom. It's always best to troll them in groups of two or more, for then the fanboy will realize his ultimate defeat. It is then your duty to finish him, which can easily be done by pointing out reasons why Nintendo just plain sucks. Get him to cry ftw.

This piece is what all true fanboys strive for!

Nintendo Gallery

		One controller.	Typical Nintendo fanart.
Most successful Nintendo game of all time.	Nintendo's most famous character!	No description needed.	Japanese Mario fanart.

Super Mario Bros.	Super Mario Bros. 2	Super Mario World	Mario Party
Pokemon	Starfox Adventures	Wario Ware	Kirby's Adventures.
Dixie's Kong Quest	"Hello, little Japanese boy. I am your new father."	An NES character is forced to perform fellatio on one player while being sodomized by another's big blue penis.	Yep, Our very own President of Nintendo has given hardcore Nintendo gamers the finger, for he has joined the Casualfag legion. (As if there ever was any such thing as a hardcore Nintendo gamer...)
Come on! Let's take a walk on the wild side...	...directly to page 4. Don't know if page 2 and 3 is really missing. Maybe they are. Or maybe it was just some dry formalia on them.



	That's all, folks!