Portal
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| I've experiments to run There is research to be done |
Portal is a game set in the Half-Life universe, and is almost as enjoyable as Battletoads, as you cannot go five minutes on /b/ or /v/ without seeing that goddamn Companion Cube. The game centers around Chell, a woman trapped within Aperture Science Enrichment Center (moar liek Faperture, amirite?) - most likely because she refused to make her faithful husband, Gordon Freeman, a turkey and ham sammich. She's then given the ability to bend the space-time continuum, and decides to GTFO. There is clear evidence that at least one of the developers of the game is a /b/tard, as the entire game is basically the most complex and kick-ass delicious cake puzzle, as often found on /b/.
Portal: 2D (or Portal for Jews)
For people too poor to afford a gaming PC, Playstation 3, or an Xbox 360, or for people who are too cheap to spend $20 fucking dollars on Valve's Orange Box, there's an unofficial flash version which is about a hundred times more boring than the original, and completely lacks GLaDOS' commentary and any traces of dark humor. Because of this game, and because of how easy it is to make screenshots, forums were packed with solution requests upon its release, because some people like the gratification of solving puzzles without doing any of the actual puzzle solving. The only people who request solutions now are slowpokes who deserve to be ignored. If you want to, for whatever reason, you can buy the 3D game off Steam's website for $20. The Flash version has everything you could want, except with fewer "Cake is a lie" Easter eggs. Or you can pirate it, Demonoid is your friend. For increased faggotry, its levels have been ported into the original game.
Portal: as According to Pretentious Feminazis
When the idiots at some shitty website were hired to write an article about Portal, rather than do an actual review, they decided to over-analyze and, in some cases, completely make shit up to discuss why the first person shooter was not only revolutionary to gaming, but to Feminazi society. Not to be confused with feminism, a Feminazi is usually a bat-shit insane, bra-burning cunt who believes men are the reason why everything is wrong with the world, and would most likely plot to have everyone with a penis enslaved forever. The name of the Feminazi in question is Joe McNeilly, who is most likely a dude who only wrote this to reap his $20 interweb salary and maybe impress some groggy bar-maiden.
| —Joe McNeilly, warning idiots of his superior genius. |
Joey argues that Portal is "a femi[Nazi] critique of the first person shooter," and thereafter, he breaks out the ol' thesaurus and starts firing off loads of SAT-worthy words, machine-gun style. The gist of what he says is that the mainstream, retarded, male-oriented first person shooters, such as Call of Duty 4, are all grotesquely violent examples of militarism, and because men don't have the superior intellect of women, we solve our problems by mindlessly pumping each other full of lead and blowing up buildings - you know, the cool way of solving problems. Usually in first person shooters, the guns are all phallic symbols of masculinity, but the weapon in Portal is a vagina-cannon that shoots metaphysical vaginas and rainbows to outwit masculine enemies. Joey also says the sentries have "boyish voices," despite being voiced by Ellen McLain, and sounding like genderless babies. Nevertheless, these CLEARLY MASCULINE turrets try to deceive Chell with friendly chatter and then brutally murder her; because men are evil and enjoy deceiving and killing defenseless, intelligent women.
| —Joe McNeilly, after bashing a turret's CPU in with a block and dumping it several stories down into a vat of acid. |
The straw that broke the camel's back was when Joey started hating on the Weighted Companion Cube's blatant masculinity. Branding the Companion Cube as a burdensome anchor that slows down Chell's revolutionary breakout, Joey is clearly one of the Idiots who completely missed the point of the Cube's awesomeness. Making shit up, he says "GLaDOS encourages Chell to develop emotional attachment to the Cube" even though GLaDOS says the exact opposite, and the developer's commentary claims you're supposed to avenge the Companion Cube's death by giving GLaDOS the same fiery fate. Oh yeah, and GLaDOS is man's attempt at the perfect mother figure wrought from cold, hard science. In the first published draft of the essay, Joe made up more shit, claiming that GLaDOS called the WCC a "he," when readers called him on his bullshit, he removed it. Unfortunately, the rest of the essay is still intact.
| —Joe McNeilly, making perfect sense. |
It's particularly hilarious how all the dorks who claim things like Doom, which is based around saving the universe from demons and Hell, are masculine/anti-woman/patriarchal while they all seem to ignore Metroid and its main character Samus Aran, who is a chick that is trying to save the universe from Space Pirates and parasitic vampire bowling balls. Same shit, different gender. Of course, Mr. McNeilly sees the completely fucking genderless and inanimate Companion Cube as a CLEARLY MASCULINE father figure who only burdens Chell and slows her down, so the feminist tendency to grossly overthink things and find a bunch of bullshit symbolism in something as dull and plain as a metal box with a heart on it is a clear sign of extreme mental instability. The same dumbass would probably see Samus Aran's metal powersuit as some kind of manly oppressive device designed by a patriarchal regime to hide Samus' feminine titties and vajayjay and suffocate her blooming womanhood through a symbolic steel shell/prison with a phallic laser cannon, despite the fact that it was created by birds. And of course, it's completely unobvious that Samus is a chick, even though in Metroid Prime you can see a clearly feminine set of eyes through her visor and you hear a chick grunt in pain when you get hit and all the Pirate data and Chozo data that you find refers to you as a "she".
See also: Tetris: a feminist game where vagina-blocks try to build a wall representing a Utopian society, only to be demolished by a long, phallic block time and time again.
The Copypasta
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I went on a second date with a chick I really liked tonight. At the end of the date, I didn’t take any chance I had to kiss her. So we were driving back home in separate cars (she lives close to me, but she was came from a friends house to meet me at the restaurant) I realized that I was a dumb ass for not taking the chance. I decided to make a chance and be really spontaneous. I was going to race ahead to her house, wait for her drive up, run out of the car and kiss her. So I pull the corner to see her house and SHE THOUGHT WITH PORTALS! She was already there, out of the car, and the garage door was closing! Despite me being ahead of her the whole time! So I ask, /b/, how do -I- think with portals? |
Copypasta: Female FPS
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Reasons why Portal is the female version of an FPS:
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Copypasta: Habbo Hotel
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We closed every pool here: DUE TO AIDS It's hard to overstate this damn infection. Nigras of EBAUMS. We do what we must for epic lulz. For the good of all of us except for those racist mods. But there's no use trying to resist our pool raids. You'll just keep on crying till you sink and get AIDS. And the /b/locking gets done. And we make a neat run. From the people who are still online.
I'm being so helpful right now. Even though you shouted at and B& me. And blocked all my IPs. And extended it. To last. For life. As they b& I lol'd because I'm spamming DESU at you. Now these n00bs on HABBO make a target just fine. So we called for /b/lackup till we got them online. So I'm glad I got B&. LOL Catnarok is at hand. For the people who are still online.
I think I will need the un-B& guide. Maybe you'll find some /b/lackup to help you Maybe on 4chan? That was a joke HA!HA! Fat chance. Anyway, this raid is great, It's full of epic and win. Look at me, still /b/locking when we need moar DESU, But anon is legion and we're better than you. When you see the mods run There is /b/locking to be done. 'Gainst the people who are still online.
They're banning /b/rothers and they're still online. They're being RACIST and they're still online. While you're blogging I'll be still online. And when they fail I will be still online. Still online. Still online. |
Portal Still Alive: Habbo Hotel Video
The true story of the great pool closing of Habbo on YouTube:
(Not a Rick Roll)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaZhpqoMtp0
Remember the time?
| —GLaDOS |
OH COME ON
Of course, despite how great Portal may have been to the masses, sooner or later it was bound to fall prey (lol) to furfags across the planet, who managed to find something sexual in a game that contains only a box, security cameras, and a gun in empty grey rooms. Armed with the ability to mercilessly rip apart anything remotely resembling humor and twist it into some disappointing puddle of furshampoo and fail, furfags have beaten and raped Portal more than a red-headed stepchild.
Other than the inevitable shitfest of furry art (seen at right which was made by this furfaggot), furfags have managed to somehow take the Portal ending song and twist it into some retarded song about furry conventions, yiff, CSI, and other assorted faggotry.
Alaska furfag responsible for this atrocity.
Note the number of furfags jumping aboard the failboat, penises in hand, howling (or whatever the fuck it is furfags do) about OMGZ LOL U R SO AWESUM, perhaps with a bastardized Portal quote mismashed to resemble the furry fandom. Some responses were dumb, however, most were retardedor just trying way too hard.
A Day in the Life of a Turret
Because "WHEN I WAS" wasn't impossible enough to combo
This song makes gamers cum all over the place.
This Was A Triumph I'm Making A Note Here: HUGE SUCCESS It's hard to overstate my satisfaction. Aperture Science We do what we must because we can. For the good of all of us. Except the ones who are dead. But there's no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake. And the Science gets done. And you make a neat gun. For the people who are Still alive. I'm not even angry. I'm being so sincere right now. Even though you broke my heart. And killed me. And tore me to pieces. And threw every piece into a fire. As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you! Now these points of data make a beautiful line. And we're out of beta. We're releasing on time. So I'm GLaD. I got burned. Think of all the things we learned for the people who are still alive. Go ahead and leave me. I think I prefer to stay inside. Maybe you'll find someone else to help you. Maybe Black Mesa. . . THAT WAS A JOKE. HA HA. FAT CHANCE. Anyway. this cake is great. It's so delicious and moist. Look at me still talking When there's science to do. When I look out there, it makes me GLaD I'm not you. I've experiments to run. There is research to be done. On the people who are still alive. And believe me I am still alive. I'm doing Science and I'm still alive. I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive. While you're dying I'll be still alive. And when you're dead I will be still alive. STILL ALIVE
This video represents the fail of some of the Portal fans. I'd still hit it (USE HAND IZ BETTAR). <--(due to virginity)
Now You Are Thinking With Portals
 Manipulæt spæc & tiem: |
 OH SHI- |
 /0 |
 The cake is a lie. |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 This texture is included in Portal. Srsly. Search for wet_floor_sign.vtf |
 Schrodinger's Cake |
 Rule 34 on Portal, again. |
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 Portal, in a nutshell. |
 A 6-hit Still Alive combo. |
 A 11-hit Still Alive combo. |
 Use portals. |
 Now facebookers have something to fap over. |
 We all know furries have a tendency to ruin everything, but this is just |
 /b/'s favorite things unite. |
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 Legos win again |
 Rule 34 IRL |
 A 6 Scientology Still Alive combo. |
 Now you're thinking with sandwiches. |
 Didn't really think that one through, did ya? |
See Also
External Links
- Glados MySpace Page
- Karaoke Flash animation
- stillalive Better flash animation. Doesn't rape your RAM. Buy a better computer jew
- Portal Techno Mix!!!
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Portal is part of a series on Gaming. |
