Masturbation
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Masturbation is having sex without a partner (No, the computer does not count). Masturbation, as a word, is used as a noun. The verb form of masturbation is to fap.
Masturbation is the only reason why the internet exists. It's pretty much what nerds and loser basement dwellers do while watching hentai, which was created by a bunch of Japanese pervs who can't masturbate due to their penises being so damn small. When not constantly refreshing their LiveJournal profile, LJ Users are usually masturbating to furry pornography and stick figures.
Note: As you will notice this page has alot of sections which need only a slight touch in order to expand. After expansion chances are you will become aroused. Luckily after this moment of heightened arousal is over your section will collapse.
Contents |
Masturbation in Society
Masturbation is still a touchy subject in the public sector. Bill Clinton's first choice for Surgeon General, Joyce Carol Oates the Elder, advocated the teaching of masturbation to school children by specialist volunteers. President Clinton fearing that self-sexually-satisfied interns would have no need or desire for his southern hospitality promptly relocated her to Bantown. As an act of protest she formed a soft (lol) rock band with her life partner Daryl Hall and recorded the song Maneater to publicize the real reason for her forced relocation. The Republicans, having sympathy for this poor black woman, retaliated by impeaching Clinton.
Oates also sued in civil court and won, resulting in Clinton being forced to sell all his property to pay for the judgment and thus having to move to Harlem. In fear that his penis would be taken and sold off at government auction, he had it surgically removed and given to a trustworthy individual for safe keeping until the whole thing blew over. His penis was last rumored to be living in New York and is trying to run for president, but failing epically against some uppity nigger.
History of Masturbation
- According to expert Greek mythologists, the art of fapping was discovered at least 100 years ago by some attention whore godfag named Hermes. Hermes felt sorry that his furry son, Pan, could not have buttsex with his lover Echo, so he taught Pan ways to relieve himself. It comes as a surprise to noone that the first person to make liberal use of masturbation was a furry.
- In actuality, masturbation has been around since the birth of human civilization, with the earliest known recordings being prehistoric rock paintings depicting a stick figure having a good ol' wank. This was also the first known recording of gay pornography, and is also the first pornographic image in the whole world. The Egyptians considered masturbation to be the best thing ever, as they frequently jizzed on the faces of Egyptian men, boys, and Jew slaves being kept for the lulz. In fact, ancient Egyptians believed that one of their gods created the world by masturbating to the point of ejaculation, and that the Nile River attributed to the frequency of his ejaculation. Egyptian pharaohs, in response, were required to cum into the Nile ever year. Cleopatra actually squirted the "milk" she took a bath in every day.
- Up until recently, masturbation was considered an immoral act by Christfags, and in some circles, it still is. and many people thought to they would go to hell for it. People then kept away from teh gheys, niggers, Jews, and giant dildos of death for fear of being b& to hell for eternity.
- With the advent of the internets, basement dwellers don't have to get out of bed to fap. Just fire up your laptop, search for porn on Google, and you're all set. This has caused a major increase in virginity among males that are over 17, and because of the lack of men, white girls flock to black people like moths to a porch light ready and raring to take foot-long sausage up the pooper. If you masterbate you will be a virgin for all eternity. Go suck a dick you infinite loser. Girls can smell a bater from miles away and they definitely won't have teh secks with one.
Masturbation Personalities
- Masturbation Fundamentalist - The fundamentalist masturbates simply to get it over and done with when the sexual tension builds up to an irritating level. With a few exceptions, they've always masturbated the same exact way since puberty.
- Masturbation Hobbyist - The hobbyist masturbates to experiment with new and different techniques that range from
basic masturbation to bizarre methods. They like to continue masturbating throughout their life even if they have a great sexual relationship with their partner, husband, or wife. They have been even known to sometimes engage in or fantasise about jerking off with their friend and/or possibly getting together with a group of people for a "circle jerk". - Masturbation Connoisseur - The connoisseur is a highly educated masturbator that searches far and wide for the finest and most exquisite ways to beat their tenderloin meat. They may then travel world by themselves or with their favorite fellow masturbation enthusiast. Often they are members of exclusive clubs that charge a cover fee to sit around and wank off together while listing to music or watching some type of erotica. They believe masturbation is a science and an art, therefore many are qualified to teach PhD level courses in Hand Made Pleasure.
- Masturbation Daredevil - The daredevil thinks they are creative, but often just they end up embarrassed, arrested, or dead. These tend to be the people you hear about who hang themselves or tie plastic bags around their head in a pathetic effort to mimic autoerotic asphyxiation. They are also the ones you read about in the newspaper that get caught pulling off in public parks or movie theaters. Sometimes they idolize who they claim is the only "true masturbation hero", Mr. Pee Wee Herman.
- Lunarsandwich - a category of his own- the universe's best goat masturbator.
- Danger Wanking - The Danger Wanker has possibly the most lulziest ideas out of all the Wanker categories. This Wanker lies in his bed, starts wanking, and then shouts "MUUUUMMMM! COME HERE!" and then rushes to get finished and cleaned before his mother arrives. Living in the same building as your mother makes this technique more effective.
- Face-painter - a man who jerks it to womens' non-pr0n MySpace pics and shoots his load on them, then photographs the cumpcovered printouts of the pics and puts those photos on MySpace. Normally an evolved form of the Masturbation Daredevil, face-painters consider themselves to be artists. The rest of the world sees them as sick fucks.
Masturbation in relation to God
A particularly interesting religious phenomenon occurs whilst stimulating one's genitalia. Most masturbators feel that God is watching them. They report sensing that God is purveying his godly eyes over the sinful scene. Others have reported that this God is actually known as ceiling cat.
If you decide to quit fapping, The LDS Church has a series of Pro-tips on doing so:
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom.
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company, especially when you are feeling particularly weak.
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.
4. After you bathe, don't admire yourself in the mirror. Stay in the shower just long enough to clean yourself. Then dry off and GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.
5. When in bed (especially if that is where you masturbate), wear pajamas or other clothes so that you cannot easily touch yourself (and so that it would be difficult to remove those clothes. The time it takes to remove your clothing gives additional time to control your thinking and overcome the temptation).
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED! Go into the kitchen and make a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.
7. Never look at pornography on the internet or elsewhere. Never read about your problem (even on sites claiming to be "educational"). Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.
8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books, scriptures, talks of church leaders. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.
9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for members of your family who need help. Pray for your friends, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVEN IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT of your mind! The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect on how easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it.
As one meets with his Priesthood Leader, a program for overcoming masturbation can be implemented using some of these suggestions. Remember it is essential that a regular report program be agreed on, so progress can be recognized and failures understood and eliminated.
Here are some additional suggestions that have proven helpful for others who have successfully overcome masturbation:
1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are the strongest.
2. Exercise daily. Exercise reduces emotional tension and depression and is absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing.
3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.
4. If you ever do give in, don't give up. The worst thing you can do is say "Oh well, I screwed up, I guess I'll stop trying". Simply get back on track and don't look back. Until you commit yourself to never do it again you will always be open to temptation.
5. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations.
6. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan to improving your Church service, to improving your relationships with your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and talents.
7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
8. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc.
10. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what your particular times and conditions were. Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern through counter activities.
11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act. It sounds goofy, but it actually works!
12. During your bathroom and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open. Enough to keep from being totally alone, but still giving adequate privacy. Take cool, brief showers.
13. Get out of bed immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.
14. Keep your bladder empty. Believe it or not, having a full bladder can cause you to feel sexually stimulated. As strange as it sounds you may find that going to the bathroom often makes it easier to refrain from masturbating.
16. Always wear pajamas at night (preferably ones that tie or are difficult to open).
17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or websites that create sexual excitement.
18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Bible, for example, held firmly in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.
19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.
20. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A dollar in a jar for every day you don't masturbate. At the end of the month you can buy something you like. If you don't make it to the end of the month, donate the money in the jar to charity - this one works quite well. Original Content can be viewed here
Slang terms for Masturbation:
- shameless self promotion
- baking a cake
- playing godhand
- releasing the hostages
- making the bald man puke
- spanking hank
- shakin' hands with the one-eyed milkman
- slapping your ham
- slamming the ham
- flogging your log
- meeting the bishop
- polishing your musket
- waxing your willy
- whacking your jack
- charming the one eyed python
- going to see Aunt Mary and her four daughters
- cleaning your pipes
- pounding your pud
- punching the clown
- lighting your wick
- playing pocket pool
- stroking the sausage
- rubbing one off
- punching the one-eyed nun
- beating the meat
- pulling your goalie
- wanking
- jerking off
- jacking off
- pulling off
- shaking hands with the sheriff
- choking your chicken
- jerkin' your gherkin
- beating your meat
- shaking hands with shorty
- punching the clown
- whacking off
- killing some kittens
- dating Miss Michigan
- making some glue
- firing the surgeon general
- running in single user mode
- shaking hands with the minister of love
- waxing the dolphin
- romancing yourself
- spanking the monkey
- spilling the chowder
- shaking hands with the unemployed
- benchpressing the wienermobile.
- hitting your shit
- churning the butter
- test firing the rape cannon
- tickling Elmo
- dating Rosie Palm
- Catching the one eyed blue veined trouser trout
- Stroking your penis until orgasm is reached, whereupon a small amount of seminal fluid is deposited into a crusty sock.
- Squashing the squid
- Slapping the salami
- choking a smurf
Health Risks
| —Scientists quoted by the BBC |
Even today with the mass liberalization of America, many think it is wrong to masturbate or at least somewhat unsanitary. The only side effects of masturbation are wasted time, energy, money, tissues, lotion and self-esteem.
Myths
- Girls can fap too.
- FALSE. Contrary to popular belief, girls cannot fap. They schlik. But many girls say they like to fap due to severe penis envy.
- Masturbating too much can make you go blind.
- Masturbating too much can give you hairy palms.
- Black men masturbate too.
- FALSE. Negroids do not need to fap because when they are aroused, they simply rape white women and/or small boys.
- Masturbation can cause your penis to shrink and/or deform it.
- TRUE. Masturbating causes low self-esteem, which shrinks your penis by epic proportions. You penis can also look like a retarded carrot if you fap too much.
- Masturbating can give you spots
- TRUE; but only if you forget to wipe it off.
- You can get AIDS from masturbating.
- Only losers masturbate.
- Masturbation prevents cancer.
- *FALSE. Masturbating often causes cancer. Meaning you are now blind, have AIDS, depression cuased by a severely undersized penis, hairy hands and cancer. Who needs the Mormon Church?
Media
A Short Clip of a Loli Masturbating to Orgasm
Gallery of Masturbation
| The Fappery | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
Videos (click to expand)
For the Furries (click to expand)
See also
- Ghostlight, Argos, Brainlesswonder, and anybody else who happens to think the Synthetikmisery article is boring.
- Abigaille
- Auto-fellatio
- Kraken's ghost
- Auto erotic asphyxiation
- Healthy Strokes
- Fleshlight
- List of Porn Parodies
- Dick Masterson
- User:DRAC250
- Dorian Thorn
- Rule 34
- Ceiling cat
- I Came
- Furries
- Pedophiles
- Homosexuals
- Fetish
- Zoe Kimball
- Enjoy your hand
Related Links
If you want to find out where you fit in to the masturbation personality spectrum, porn sites are not the way to go! Trusted resources from the real experts include:
- Fap material
- Advanced Masturbation - Male techniques, myths, synonyms, lubrication advice and trojan horses.
- Some like to fem-fap with vibrators.
- JackinWorld - The ultimate male masturbation resource.
- Clitical.com - Female masturbation information, techniques, and advice.
- Masturbation Horror Stories
| Masturbation is part of a series on EDUCATION. | Places
School | College | Columbine | Delaware | East High School Salt Lake City | ITT Tech | Jokela High School | NIU | Success Tech | VTech | Harvard | MIT People Student | The beautiful people | Jock | Emo | Scenester | Goth | Engineer Events Drinking | Date Rape | Homeschooling | Man points | Masturbation in showers | Taking the SAT | School Shooting |
|---|
