Pregnant
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
"Pregnant" can be defined three ways:
1) What most 16 year old girls on livejournal magically become when they either go through a bad breakup that was obviously their fault, or they just feel that they haven't gotten enough attention in the last fifteen minutes. Most of them, as you may imagine, are faking it, either to garner sympathy, attention, or both. Their "dire announcement" will often be preceeded by several cryptic posts on their blog, sparking the influx of attention that most of them wish to recieve.
2) What most Sheneequas go through at least twice between the ages of 13 and 17, usually due to either whoring themselves out on the streets, or by letting whoever's pretending to be "daddy" get between their legs while mommy's out whoring on the street so her 5-8 starving kids don't have to when "daddy" blows the welfare check on booze, crack and lottery tickets.
3) The number one transmitted STD in the world today. Pregnancy is transmitted via Heterosexual ("Straight" on the street) secks - often in the missionary position for the purposes of procreation. This deviant behavior has ruined many, many lives. Normal people are not at risk for this STD and therefore lead longer, more productive, and wealthier lives.
As 2 and 3 are covered elsewhere, this article will focus on stupid white chicks from livejournal and/or MySpace.
You would think that since pregnancy is a somewhat apparent thing after a while, these girls would get caught in a lie, but it's all part of their evil plan - after a few weeks, they tragically have a miscarriage (i.e. Phaedriel), losing the pregnancy (oh well!) and reigniting the deluge of sympathy from their clueless fanbases. Most of these girls are camwhores and internet models, underage and aren't going anywhere anyhow, so the bright side is that, well, at least they're not ACTUALLY pregnant and won't give birth to bi-curious emo kids. If one does get pregnant, it is of importance to follow the teachings of Seth Putnam and do as his famous song is called "You're Pregnant, So I Kicked You In The Stomach." Kick the cunt in the stomach, or perform a Falcon Punch (see image).
Some people just say they're pregnant for 15 months.
A high percentage of pregnancies end in a miscarriage.
It is a known fact that pregnancy is totally GARROSSSSS
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Actual Pregnant Teens
Teen mothers are 16 year old girls who've managed to get knocked up, sometimes on purpose and sometimes "by accident", like they "accidentally" fucked half the football team.
Some pregnant teenagers are not faking it and actually were knocked up. These bloated freaks of nature will grow to immense sizes and waddle about the school hallways pulling their backpacks around on a cart, basically trying to garner as much attention as possible before their social life is taken from them more from the time constraints imposed by the required care of their newborn child than the social ostracization resulting from having slept with one or more of the three non-human sub-species listed above.
Pregnant teens can be far more annoying than even your typical valley girl. They will whine constantly and complain about how they "feel like a fat cow" and how their "back is aching", all the while demanding tons and tons of junk food mixed with pickle relish, mayonaise and pastrami. This behavior is solely for the purpose of making as many suckers people around them feel sorry for them and forget that they are nothing but dumb sluts who forgot to put their diaphragms in, much less take their birth control pill, or in the worst case stick to masturbation instead of spreading their legs for some inbred loser. This behavior will, of course, cause half the football team, *all* of the basketball team and whichever geek on the chess club is responsible for distilling Nyquil into Crystal Meth to piss their pants in fretful anticipation of the results of the blood test.
There is a cure for this condition. It is called an abortion. 99.9% of all teenage pregnancies do not result in this because most pregnant teens are too fucking stupid to realize that not only are they going to contaminate the gene pool, their children are going to be half-breed retards who will make the same fucking mistake again within two decades of their being born. To date, not one child born to a pregnant teen has ever gone on to do anything of merit, note or even worth giggling. Save for Hillary Clinton, although her claim in this regard may be rendered moot if a bill in Congress passes allowing for retroactive abortions.
In a Massachusetts high school, seventeen girls started a pregnancy pact to see how many retards they could pop out at once. This, once again, proves that liberals are nuts about sluts.
Drama
Teen mothers can cause drama in several contexts:
- Childfree people love to whine and complain about how all the other girls in their town got pregnant at 13 and everyone gave them free cars because of it, while they themselves had to work eighty-hour weeks to put themselves through college as astrophysicists.
- Pop parents enjoy being judgmental about teen mothers, unless those mothers are performing all their actions in accordance with the Crunchy Parenting Code of Conduct, in which case they're totally cool and mature.
- Regular parenting boards sometimes suffer teen mother invasions, which results in a bunch of fairly normal women with little internets experience trying to deal with demands of tolerance from bitter high-school students with bad spelling.
- Libertarians like to include teen mothers in the wide and wonderful realm of welfare wank.
- Occasionally, semi-celebrities like Jamie Lynn Spears or Keisha Castle-Hughes get pregnant before they can vote, which invariably causes eruptions of drama between people who omg loooooove the actress in question and will totally support her no matter what she does, and the people who think maybe teen pregnancy is a bad idea even if you do have millions of dollars at your disposal.
- Invoking the wrath of decent people who work for a living.
Preventing Pregnancy
There are actually over 9000 ways to prevent pregnancy (and only one way to actually get pregnant), but over 9000 16 year old girls per year get pregnant by accident. Most are named Sheneequa.
- condoms
- abstention
- chastity belts
- buying daddy a shotgun and a recliner for the porch
- sending the bimbo to a nunnery
- up the bum no babies
Lulz:
- Falcon punch
- botched abortions
- advanced cases of venereal disease
- applying cyanocryolate to the labia
- having your daughter spayed *and* neutered
- Being gay
- Being a furry. Like being gay except no hyooman wants to fuck them
- Using a rusty hanger.
Although these methods do not actually prevent pregnancy, they have been known to systematically destroy a person's sex drive. Unless of course you are a sick fuck. These are considered shock images, but can be used to generate lulz when trolling:
- Goatse By coincidence, this is looks alot like a cunt after she manages to shit out the squealing little bastard.
- Seeing anything from the Rule 34 article
- Rosie O'Donnel
Where to find teen mothers
See Also
- Teen mothers
- Amipregnant
- How is babby formed?
- I'm so confused
- Attention Whore
- Pregnophile No, not even being grossly bloated will stop these girls looking for moar semen to swallow.
- Mpreg pregnant man fanfiction
- Thomas Beatie The first pregnant man?
- Maury
- Bristol Palin
- Hepkitten
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Pregnant is part of a series on Whores. |
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