Pitchfork

Say it ain't so, Joe: Coldplay have issued a response to a lawsuit filed against the band late last week by six-string scientist Joe Satriani, who claims the UK megastars ripped off his "If I Could Fly" for their "Viva la Vida". And what do you know, they're standing their ground.

Quoth a statement on Coldplay's website [via Billboard.com], "With the greatest possible respect to Joe Satriani, we have now unfortunately found it necessary to respond publicly to his allegations. If there are any similarities between our two pieces of music, they are entirely coincidental, and just as surprising to us as to him."

They continue, "Joe Satriani is a great musician, but he did not write the song 'Viva la Vida'. We respectfully ask him to accept our assurances of this and wish him well with all future endeavors." Well that's nice, dudes, what about the real victim in this whole mess: that one Brooklyn band?

Billboard.com also points to a recent Musicradar.com interview with Joe Satriani, in which Joe the Guitarist waxes emo about the alleged act of plagiarism: "I felt like a dagger went right through my heart. It hurt so much."

He also says some less corny things: "Everybody assumes I'm trying to go after these guys in Coldplay, as if I'm doing this with malice. That's the furthest thing from my mind. I'm just doing what I need to do as an artist, to protect what's mine, to protect those feelings I put down in song.

"I did everything I could to avoid a court case with this situation. But Coldplay didn't want to talk about it. They just wanted this whole thing to go away. Maybe they figured this little guitar player guy will leave them alone after a while, I don't know. But we're talking about a piece of art that I created, and that's something I feel is important. I think everybody should feel that way."

Both plaintiff and defendant then took baths in enormous pools full of money.

Regardless of the actions of any little guitar player guys, Coldplay are all set to tour the bejesus out of 2009.

Coldplay:

12-09 Glasgow, Scotland - SECC
12-11 Manchester, England - MEN Arena
12-12 Manchester, England - MEN Arena
12-14 London, England - O2 Arena
12-15 London, England - O2 Arena
12-16 London, England - O2 Arena
12-19 Belfast, Northern Ireland - Odyssey Arena
12-21 Dublin, Ireland - The O2
12-22 Dublin, Ireland - The O2
12-23 Belfast, Northern Ireland - Odyssey Arena
02-11 Tokyo, Japan - Saitama Super Arena ^
02-12 Tokyo, Japan - Saitama Super Arena ^
02-14 Osaka, Japan - Kobe World Kinen Hall ^
02-15 Osaka, Japan - Kobe World Kinen Hall ^
02-27 Perth, Australia - Burswood Dome
02-28 Perth, Australia - Burswood Dome
03-03 Melbourne, Australia - Rod Laver Arena
03-04 Melbourne, Australia - Rod Laver Arena
03-05 Melbourne, Australia - Rod Laver Arena
03-08 Brisbane, Australia - Entertainment Centre
03-09 Brisbane, Australia - Entertainment Centre
03-11 Sydney, Australia - Acer Arena
03-12 Sydney, Australia - Acer Arena
03-14 Sydney, Australia - Acer Arena
03-15 Sydney, Australia - Acer Arena
08-16 Herning, Denmark - MCH Arena
08-19 Bergen, Norway - Koengen
08-22 Stockholm, Sweden - Olympic Stadium
08-25 Hanover, Germany - Hanover Stadium
08-27 Düsseldorf, Germany - LTU Arena
08-29 Munich, Germany - Reitstadion Riem
09-10 Nijmegen, Netherlands - Goffertpark
09-12 Manchester, England - LCCC *
09-14 Dublin, Ireland - Phoenix Park
09-16 Glasgow, Scotland - Hampden Park *
09-18 London, England - Wembley Stadium #
09-19 London, England - Wembley Stadium *

^ with Santogold
* with Jay-Z
# with Girls Aloud