Pitchfork

[Posted Thursday, September 18th, 2003 04:00:00 Pitchfork Central Time]

Hey there, kiddies, Disgruntled Santa here. I've broken and entered your humble orphanage to give all you little boys and girls, depending on your religious affiliation, vaguely ironic gifts wrapped in bittersweet cellophane! Why? Because that's just how D-Santa rolls! Now, how many of you lovable tykes enjoy the classic stylings of celebrated goth-rock forefathers The Cure? No, Billy, you may not use the bathroom. Only chumps periodically empty their bladders. Moving on, but retaining a scathing glare and an eternal Christmas condemnation towards the source of that uninvited outburst, how many of you lump that aforementioned enjoyment of Robert Smith and company in with your unabashed affinity for dancing like a maniac? Keep in mind, now, that there are no wrong answers. Hey, you kids are all right! Finally, how do you rascals feel about hype?

Now, when I say hype, I'm not talking about Eleanor the Librarian suggesting that you "check this band out sometime, they're really rather corking." I'm talking about a veritable geyser of praise, a copious spout of milky white adulation emanating endlessly from both critics and fans alike. It seems like everywhere you go these days, someone's cooking up a nutritious brew of Rapture stew. And it's just beginning. Echoes, the icy-hot sophomore release by the dancepunk warlords in question, was just officially released last Tuesday-- and thus far, only in the UK. Mark my words, kids, if there's one thing that will destroy an artist's career, it's that lousy stinkin' Internet.

Now, given all the prior information ol' Disgruntled Santa has graciously bestowed upon your freakily misshapen pointy ears, I bet the one thing you kiddies want more than anything in the world, barring a night on the town with Spiderman or playing with your 9/11 Rescue Heroes action figures, is to see the Rapture live. Why, the Warden or whoever the hell it is who runs this place could make a field trip out of it! You could all sing your favorite Rapture songs on the way, and make use of your brand-spaking new Magical Rapture Activity Books! Good gravy, children, have you ever been to a concert before?? (Hold it in, Billy! Be strong, like Spiderman!) Doesn't this sound like an awesome time, kids?!?!

Well, that's too bad, because you live in New Jersey and all the new Rapture dates take place in Europe. Never forget!

09-27 Glasgow, Scotland - QMU
09-28 Manchester, England - Hop & Grape
09-29 Bristol, England - Fleece & Firkin
10-01 London, England - ULU
10-03 Paris, France - Bataclan
10-04 Toulouse, France - LeMouv
10-05 Munich, Germany - Atomic Cafe
10-06 Berlin, Germany - Knaack
10-07 Koln, Germany - Gebaude 9
10-08 Hamburg, Germany - Echo Chamber
10-10 Gothenburg, Sweden - Pusterviksbaren
10-11 Stockholm, Sweden - Mondo
10-12 Oslo, Norway - John Dee