Pitchfork

[Posted Friday, September 26th, 2003 04:00:00 Pitchfork Central Time]

My little cousin Kelli has her Bat Mitzvah in a couple of months and she's having a hard time picking out a band to entertain her 250-or-so guests. The last time I visited my family in Philly, Kelli and I sat down to play a nice game of Mystery Date and make a list of potential bands that we'd like to take part in her very special night. Since I'm aces at board games and I totally cheat, I won handily and got to suggest my top ten artists for the party, limiting my choices to groups based in the Northeast and who have at least one cute boy who will dance with her pals. From those, Kelli picked her two favorites, based on their names alone: Fannypack and Lightning Bolt. Noting that her best class in school is Civics, Kel took the democratic route and offered the final choice to Uncle Andy, who told her to "Fuck that pussy shit; it's Wonderful Rainbow or nothing, kid." Andy's 45 and works in a comic book shop, by the way.

Don't be sad if you're not one of Kelli's classmates at Germantown Friends School, or if you're one of the kids that no one likes and smells like old cheese (Scotty Liebowitz, Kelli Goldman totally has a crush on you), because Lightning Bolt recently announced more than 40 dates for their fall tour. For those of you in attendance at Kelli's Bat Mitzvah reception at Shalom Zion synagogue in Warrington, PA on November 1st, be prepared to have your skullcap bashed in by the brutal bass and drums attack of Load Records' finest. It's a really good thing that artless suburbanite teenagers and their folks are so into bands like Slayer, The Boredoms, and The Contortions, otherwise hyper-rhythmic two-instrument metal improvisations accompanied by vocals sung through a ski-mask muffled contact microphone would not really be welcome alongside an ice-cream sundae bar and Kelli's passage into Jewish womanhood! Otherwise, baruch the Bolt at one of the other shows on their U.S. tour (already in progress):

09-26 Detroit, MI - Detroit Art Space *
09-27 Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle (w/ Califone, Text of Light)
09-28 Chicago, IL - Texas Ballroom * (w/ The Coughs)
09-29 Madison, WI - The Corral (w/ Orphan Cocktail, Double Dagger)
09-30 Minneapolis, MN - Big V's (w/ Quad Muth, Seawhores) *
10-01 Iowa City, IA - Gabe's
10-02 Kansas City, KS - TBA
10-03 Denver, CO - Monkey Mania
10-04 Salt Lake City, UT - Kilby Court
10-06 Boise, ID - JD and Friends
10-07 Seattle, WA - No Space
10-08 Spokane, WA - The Detour
10-09 Portland, OR - Vera Project (w/ Get Hustle, Lazy Magnet)
10-10 San Francisco, CA - TBA *
10-11 San Francisco, CA - Club Verdi (w/ Japanese Karaoke Afterlife Experiment)
10-12 San Francisco, CA - Grandma's House +
10-13 Los Angeles, CA - The Echo (w/ Noxagt) +
10-14 San Diego, CA - TBA (w/ Noxagt) +
10-15 Phoenix, AZ - Modified Arts (w/ Japanese Karaoke Afterlife Experiment)
10-16 Flagstaff, AZ - Studio 111 (w/ Japanese Karaoke Afterlife Experiment) +
10-17 Albuquerque, NM - TBA (w/ Japanese Karaoke Afterlife Experiment) +
10-18 Lubbock, TX - TBA +
10-19 Denton, TX - Rubber Gloves +
10-20 Austin, TX - Emo's +
10-21 Houston, TX - Mary Jane's $
10-22 New Orleans, LA - TBA $
10-23 Atlanta, GA - TBA $
10-24 Sewanee, TN - University of the South $
10-25 Nashville, TN - Guido's Pizza $
10-26 Asheville, NC - TBA $
10-27 Richmond, VA - TBA $
10-28 Baltimore, MD - TBA +
10-29 New York, NY - TBA +
10-30 Boston, MA - TBA (w/ Noxagt)
10-31 Providence, RI - Pink Rabbit (w/ Rah Brahs, Wrangler Brutes)

* with Necrimonitron
+ with USAISAMONSTER
$ with USAISAMONSTER, White Mice

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