Pitchfork

[Posted Friday, October 17th, 2003 04:30:00 Pitchfork Central Time]

Brian Howe and Jeremy C. Baron report:
It is the burden of the living to settle the affairs of the dead. Wills are generally pretty standard things-- mistress gets the money, wife gets the house, cousin Ethel gets the Faberge egg collection, and that ingrate daughter of mine gets JACK SQUAT unless she divorces that no-good snake-oil salesman she married just to spite me and removes her septum ring... BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! But the ascendance of celebrity obsession has altered the topography of our interpersonal relationships, in that we each have a stable of people who we feel as if we know who are oblivious to our existence.

Instead of trying to divide up the residue of our journey through this mortal coil among friends and family, we have the option of leaving the whole kit and caboodle to, say, Donald Rumsfeld (to whom I could bequeath my dread and loathing), Alicia Witt (to whom I could bequeath my throbbing tumescence-- oy! That was graphic), or the Polyphonic Spree (to whom I bequeath my utter apathy). Or, as some mad visionary has actually attempted, you could leave your fortune to The Smiths.

An enigmatic source known only as punk_lawyer on the Morrissey-solo.com news page claims that an eccentric client requested the following provision to be added to his will: that, should his wife expire before him, the remainder of his estate should be divided between estranged bandmates Morrissey and Johnny Marr, provided that they spend one hour in a room together. "Judging from this guy's potential estate," punk_lawyer added, "Morrissey and Marr could divide a couple of million dollars just for getting together for an hour."

In the event Morrissey and Marr declined to meet the mysterious benefactor's terms, the executor of the estate would be responsible for setting up scholarship foundation in Morrissey's and Marr's names. "I told [my client] that their separation was more a matter of principle than a matter of money, but he still wanted to put them in his will in some way," punk_lawyer posted to the site.

All of this is mitigated by the somewhat shocking revelation that Morrissey and Johnny Marr actually do speak from time to time-- but about (ho hum) the back catalog. In a BBC interview late last month, Marr let slip that he and Morrissey "recently" agreed that if any of the Smiths' back singles were to be re-released anytime soon, it should be "The Boy With The Thorn In His Side," one of the duo's most successful true collaborations.

On the other hand, one person who definitely doesn't expect a Smiths reunion anytime soon would be Smiths bassist Andy Rourke, who recently hocked the Yamaha bb2000 bass guitar he played on every Smiths record on eBay. Despite having "a few dings which were inflicted by Andy Rourke and Johnny Marr when they figured their guitars looked a little too new," the 20-year-old instrument fetched $5,800. According to the item description, the bass "was purchased in 1983 and put straight to work on all The Smiths records thereafter... Mr. Rourke has also used this bass on all of the records since the demise of The Smiths-- The Pretenders, Sinead O'Connor, Badly Drawn Boy, and more... It comes in its original case with a letter from Mr. Rourke... Mr. Rourke will be happy to personally autograph the instrument itself should the winner so wish." Over my dead body!

.: Andy Rourke eBay Auction: here