Pitchfork: The Darkness Get Things Named for Them, Tour

The Darkness Get Things Named for Them, Tour
Joey Ramone Place, Mark Sandman Square now deemed irrelevant

The Darkness believe in a thing called love. I believe in a thing called absurdity. Seems like it should be the other way around. I mean, I'm not the one glamming out in a rubber bodysuit and dominating the entire fucking world by doing so. You may or may not believe in absurdity. It doesn't matter. As a TV program receptionist with glowing white cream smeared on her lips told a certain Mr. Peterson in an obscure short story, "Absurdity is interested in you."

In a dystopian future world not unlike our own, the question to the Jeopardy! answer, "A giraffe and a road," could be: "What are things that have been named after The Darkness?" I'm not even fucking kidding. According to The Darkness' official website, the Town Councilors of The Darkness' hometown of Lowestoft, Suffolk, have decided to name one of their precious city streets in honor of the band. The town is reportedly leaning toward Hawkins Close or Hawkins Way, since, say, Darkness Lane just doesn't capture that bucolic feel.

But wait, didn't I say something about a giraffe? You're damn right I did. The website also reports that a zoo near Lowestoft, the Suffolk Wildlife Park in Kessingland, asked Hawkins if they could name a newborn giraffe after him. In typically grandiose form, Hawkins effused that "it's a great honor to have a baby giraffe named after me, and it's wonderful that Suffolk Wildlife Park is prepared to stick its neck out like that." Bad puns. They're not just for Pitchfork anymore.

"In a way," Hawkins continued, "we, The Darkness, are all newborn calves taking our first stumbling steps into the world of celebrity, and I am delighted that the people and the animals of East Anglia are all right behind us. I hope we can offer the same support to young Justin." I predict that by next week Lowestoft will have changed its name to Hawkinstoft, the official language of which will be Jusperanto, an experimental universal tongue invented by Noam Hawkins (formerly Chomsky) that consists entirely of the sounds "hoooo" and "get down!" No word on exactly how pissed the other Darkness members are that no one in their hometown wants to name anything after them.

In other news, The Darkness' U.S. tour has been so successful that many cities have been forced to upgrade the band to larger venues-- which have all promptly sold out. Additionally, the band had to cancel a Cleveland performance earlier this week due to "a throat problem" (that would be the medical term, then) suffered by Justin Hawkins. "I am deeply saddened that we won't be able to play for our fans in Cleveland tonight," said Hawkins in a statement, "but we promise to make it up to them just as soon as possible. Cleveland is one of the greatest rock and roll cities in the world, and we are all eagerly looking forward to playing our first gig there."

But take heart, Clevelandites, you can still catch them on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno on April 19th-- and without having to rub up against all that arena-sweaty leather. Be aware, though, that by this time, the show's name might very well be changed to The Darkness Show with Jay Darkness. Don't let the dates end:

04-02 Pennsylvania, PA - Theatre of Living Arts
04-03 Boston, MA - Axis/Avalon
04-04 Providence, RI - Lupo's
04-06 Washington, DC - 9:30 Club
04-08 Hotlanta, GA - Tabernacle
04-09 New Orleans, LA - House of Blues
04-11 Houston, TX - Verizon Wireless Theater
04-12 Dallas, TX - Gypsy Tea Room
04-13 Austin, TX - Stubb's BBQ
04-15 Phoenix, AZ - Marquee
04-16 San Diego, CA - Soma
04-17 Los Angeles, CA - Henry Fonda Theater
04-18 Los Angeles, CA - Henry Fonda Theater

07-02 Werchter, Belgium - Rock Werchter Festival
07-03 Bonn, Germany - Rheinkultur Festival
07-07 Kristiansand, Norway - Quart Festival
07-10 Kinross, Scotland - T in the Park Festival
07-11 Nass, Ireland - Oxegen Festival