Pete Doherty Leaves the Libertines, Enters Rehab
Enchantment Under the Sea an untold side effect of addiction

Cory D. Byrom & Dr. Emmett Brown report:
"Quick, Marty, to the DeLorean! We must return to last week to stop Pitchfork from running the story about The Libertines' new album! Why? Because that story reported quote-after-quote from producer and former Clash-man Mick Jones about how great everything was going, and how all of the rumors about problems in the band were exaggerated! What do you mean 'so what?' They broke up! No, not Pitchfork. Goddamnit, Marty, pull your head out your ass. The Libertines, man! The Libertines broke up!

"Okay, shut it, there'll be plenty of time to explain this after we stop that story from running. The Libyans have already gotten their hands on the plutonium. If they get ahold of this information, they'll bring Pitchfork to its knees! Fine, Marty, for you I'll explain it, but then we really must get back to last week post-haste. It turns out that all of those rumors about frontmen Pete Doherty and Carl Barat not getting along were true after all. According to Doherty, they only really talk when they're on stage. Doherty has gone so far as to compare himself to a battered housewife who returns to her husband after being continually abused. Real men don't hurt women, Marty! But what's crazy about this is that then he said, "If [Carl] comes and grabs me by the hand, maybe we can 'reclaim the empire together.' Which is, like, really just continuing the cycle, right?

"Oh, oh, and then, and then, Doherty was supposed to play some gigs with his side project, Babyshambles, at the Duke of Clarence Pub in North London, and he didn't show! Instead, he went off to France to enter a rehab center to kick a crack habit. Crack, Marty! Now, I don't know how this affects their upcoming festival shows, nor do I know how it affects the upcoming release of the new album, but that's precisely why we have to go back and stop Pitchfork from running that story. Buckle up, Marty-- we must save Pitchfork! And oh yeah, after that, something's got to be done about your knucklehead kids. They're total dicks.

The Libertines: http://www.thelibertines.com