Apple vs. The Beatles: The Battle of the Century!

"In this corner! Weighing in at a combined weight of 607 lbs, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, and the widows of George Harrison and John Lennon. The four are fighting tonight for Apple Corps, the holding company in charge of the legendary rock group The Beatles and their catalogue of legendary music. And in this corner, weighing in at an impressive combined weight of 413 lbs, Steve Jobs and Steve "The Woz" Wozniak, representing our current heavyweight champions, Apple Computers. Thanks so much for tuning in tonight for this amazing title bout! I'm your host, Mike Haverchuck, and joining me to my right, a man who needs no introduction, Chip 'The Drip' Anderson."

"In all your years wrestling, Chip, have you ever seen a matchup like this? I mean, the ramifications will no doubt be felt worldwide, am I right? Why don't you tell the good folks at home what's at stake here."

"Thanks so much for having me, Mike. I gotta tell ya, this is one INSANE match. Let me break it down for you. The name Apple has been shared by these two companies for quite a while now-- 23 years to be exact-- and things have always been relatively amiable. I mean, why would Apple Corps, who just happen to own the rights to The Beatles, have to worry about people getting them confused with a computer company, right? And that's exactly how the two companies handled the situation until 1991, at which point the two reached an agreement that basically said that as long as Apple Computers didn't get into the realm of music publishing, then there would be no problems."

"I think I see where this is going, Chip. I mean, who would've guessed back then that computers and music would collide like they have now in the 21st century? But I imagine that as soon as Apple launched the iTunes Music Store, things got a little bit murky."

"You can say that again, Mike. In fact, as a part of that agreement, Apple Computers paid out a whopping 30 million dollar settlement! But the purse for tonight's match is expected to be much, much larger."

"Yes indeed, Chip. Just think about how successful iTunes has become! It's practically set the standard for legal online music downloads, all while making a s**tload of money. And you know, title matches of this caliber are often plagued with interference from each contender's posse. Tonight's bout could prove to be exciting as a result."

"What do you mean, Mike? You don't think that Jobs is going to be calling on his old pal Bill Gates, do you?"

"No, no, nothing like that, ha ha! What I mean is that iTunes sells so many artists that it's going to be hard not to find some musicians who are really on the fence when it comes to their loyalties and royalties. Consider the fact that Julian Lennon's Valotte is available for download, as is the Handsome Boy Modeling School, which, as I'm sure you know, Chip, featured Sean Lennon. And if that wasn't enough, you can get not one, but two albums by Mazzy Star!"

"You do realize that Mazzy Star is the name of a band, right? And that there is no relation to Ringo? Christ, Mike, research! Research!."

"Yes, that was an unfortunate blunder, Chip. My mistake. Regardless, tonight's match-up promises to be absolutely riveting. You know, a top entertainment lawyer chimed in on the subject while talking to Daily Variety, and he said that this could be the biggest settlement not part of a class action suit in legal history. Buckle your seatbelts, folks, 'cause we are in for one wild ride!"