Pitchfork

As many of you are well aware, there's a world outside your window, and it's a world of dread and fear, where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears, and the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom. No one is more attuned to this skull-crushing downer of a sentiment than Bob Geldof, composer of the most guilt-stricken song of all time ("Do They Know It's Christmas") and mastermind of 1985's all-star world-televised benefit concert blowout Live Aid. Well, goddamnit, this is America, and when somebody pisses us off, we plain don't fuck around. Bob Geldof, on the other hand, is Irish, and has made his own plans-- to sing away the sorrow!

Yes, it's all true. After months of repeated denials that any such plan was in the works, Geldof announced last week that a sequel to the trans-Atlantic charity event Live-Aid will take place on July 2, according to NME. The new event has been wittily dubbed "Live 8," as it aims to influence delegates at the annual G8 conference of economically powerful nations from July 6-8. "Eight world leaders in one room in Scotland on the 8th of July can save millions and millions of lives," Geldof passionately pleaded at a news conference in London, before closing the deal with a catch: "But they'll only do it if enough people tell them to!" Actually, Bob, unless there's a vote, that's maybe not exactly how these things work. But you're right: It might mean more coming from Velvet Revolver.

The aged among you may recall that the original concert, held simultaneously on two continents, was dedicated to ending famine in mid-80s celebrity pity-city Ethiopia. But since those efforts unfortunately fell vastly short of the projected goal, Geldof has understandably lowered his sights for the new event to the more modest ambition of ending... all poverty, everywhere. To that end, he's added three more cities-- Berlin, Rome, and Paris-- to 1985's pond-spanning locales of London and... wait, which of North America's five major metropolises did they choose again? Oh right, Philadelphia. Where the cream cheese is.

Alright, alright, but really, behind all this talk of ending poverty, while certainly admirable and deeply, deeply uncynical, there lies an actually very respectable and honorable goal: The Live Aid concerts will be followed by mass rallies during the G8 conference in Edinburgh, calling for cancellation of the crippling debts owed by the world's poorer countries. "What started 20 years ago is coming to a political point in a few weeks," Geldof told the BBC. "There's more than a chance that the boys and girls with guitars will finally get to turn the world on its axis."

Agreed! So... which boys and girls are we talking about? Well, for starters, Geldof hints that the London show may include a Spice Girls reunion, a prospect that no doubt has those bloodthristy IMF vampires quaking in their John Lobb loafers. And while further hotly rumored headliners like Eminem, Outkast, and the Rolling Stones are not confirmed at press time, no one's going to miss them amid the weird and wonderful juxtapositions of each of the following bills:

Hyde Park, London: Coldplay, The Killers, Velvet Revolver, Bob Geldof, The Cure, Mariah Carey, Dido, Keane, Snow Patrol, Elton John, Annie Lennox, Madonna, Paul McCartney, Razorlight, Snoop Dogg, Sting, U2, Joss Stone, Stereophonics, REM, Scissor Sisters, Muse, Robbie Williams.

Ben Franklin Parkway, Philadelphia: Will Smith, Bon Jovi, The Dave Matthews Band, Stevie Wonder, Jay-Z, Puff Daddy, Il Divo, Maroon 5, Rob Thomas, Keith Urban, 50 Cent, Sarah McLachlan, Kaiser Chiefs.

Circus Maxmimus, Rome: Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Duran Duran, Jovan Otti, Nek, Laura Pausini, Vasco Rossi, Zucchero.

Brandenburg Gate, Berlin: A-Ha, Crosby, Stills and Nash, Lauryn Hill, Brian Wilson, Bap, Die Toten Hosen, Peter Maffay.

Eiffel Tower, Paris: Jamiroquai, Placebo, Youssou N'Dour, Andrea Docelli, Craig David, Calo Gero, Kyo, Yannick Noah, Axelle Red, Johnny Hallyday, Manu Chao, Renaud.

Although the shows will be free, the London event will lack any actual destitute people; passes are being distributed via a text-messaging lottery on June 6. But unlike the original Live Aid's alms-for-the-poor approach, Live 8 does go some distance toward publicizing and confronting the underlying inequalities in the world economic system. Plus, Jamiroquai and Johnny Hallyday will finally share a stage. Tonight, thank God it's them instead of you.

* Make Poverty History: