England

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

England, North France, or Tea-and-Crumpet-Niggerland was invented by AmericaInvented America (commonly considered the worst invention in history except for furry porn american furry porn), and is a country most known for having 10% of its population consist of shaven headed, football shirt wearing neanderthals. The other 90% are full on Muslims. English folk are now the minority in England.

Originally cradle to the native Bretons, years of colonial rape and occupation by Europeans has resulted in the congealed mud-people now called the English who, in their oedipal complex, then proceeded to do exactly the same thing to everyone else. The English (at least the ones who are on the Internets) also like to think they are still living in the Victorian era and are still pwning the world, but in reality England is now only seen as the insignificant lapdog of the U.S.

England is the only country USAns deem worthy to acknowledge the existence of. Traveling to England however - contrary to the belief that ALL English people kiss the USA's arse (not ass) - one will find that all the English actually envy Americans (as evident by how Englishfags doth protest too much about the US).

Pedantic limey fags get butthurt when you besmirch the Queen's glorious language (that they've been butchering for the last 700 years) and if you dare to spell words with z's instead of s's you'd better start shopping for dentures. The only people that the English envy more than the Americans are the French, which is why they can't dispatch with all the superfluous "u"s left over from their period of French-based pwnage.

The English are particularly proud of their football soccer football clubs, whose existence has provided them with an excuse to get drunk, regularly beat one another up, and/or attack people from/in other countries for over 100 years. Football Soccer Football has been a steady source of employment in Britain, too, as most young Brits work hard since their childhoods to become football soccer football hooligans by the time they're in their early teens, afterwards often going on to ultimately fulfill their dreams and become drug dealers in London.

The second greatest pride of the British are their special forces, the SAS, the only special forces in the world whose soldiers go to combat equipped with nothing but their teeth. Witnessing a British SAS commando expose his teeth for even a second is enough to send even the most hardened terrorists into shock and convulsions. In 1980 the SAS accidentally managed not to screw up a hostage rescue operation too badly; since then, they have been living well off the notoriety of this event, selling their likeness for use in many video games and filling the British with more pride, without doing much else.

Contents 1 Geography 2 History 3 Winston Churchill 4 Lifetime Achievements 5 Guide To Being English 6 Bum Secks 7 Religion 8 Political Correctness Gone Mad 9 Wildlife 10 The English 10.1 Body structure 11 Language 12 British Humo(u)r 13 British Television 14 People from England 15 English Inventions 16 Trolling the English

Geography

England is located on a shitty, miserable island situated somewhere near Europe. Nobody is entirely sure of the location of England because it is subsequently blocked from their mind. England is sometimes referred to as "Great Britain", a term which includes the English-occupied territories of Scotland, Wales, Italy, Dublin and Harvard Yard. Some theorize that England doesn't exist and is merely "conspiracy of cartographers". Many American scholars support this notion, especially considering the fact that there is no map called England for Counter-Strike. England's main exports are new-born babies, as their teenage pregnancy rate is over 9000 per week, and trannies, as they attempt to have butt-babies to further boost their flagging economy.

History

At least 100 years ago the Vikings raped and pillaged all of England. They then stole all the pretty girls which resulted in the country we today call England. Every single specimen of the English race is buttfuck ugly, no exception! The typical Freudian reaction for having no pretty girls to score, was to compensate and build a bigass evil Empire, which is pretty LULZ at first, but then people revolt and stuff, and now they are back with only having ugly girls [1].

Winston Churchill

Every Englishman knows about Winston Churchill. Originally Winston Churchill was born in a shoe box as a parasitic Jew nigger fag. His life is mostly a large blank as it was spent in a bar. Churchill's life changed; however, when he accidentally challenged the then current Queen of England, Monty Python, to a duel. Churchill lost the duel after being hit in the face with a giant trout but unfortunately for Monty Python it happened to be opposite day right then and so Churchill became the new Queen of England. During his Queenship Churchill accomplished many things mainly pissing off Germany and leaving Britain with absolutely no colonies at all. Churchill's greatest speeches were done by another nigger while he was in a stupor. When Parliament got tired of Churchill's shenanigans (Such as passing disgusting notes around about his "eagle") they demoted him to Princess. After his demotion Churchill drank over 9000 shots of vodka within 3 days and was pronounced dead on arrival . His blood contained 50% Alcohol and 50% cow shit upon death. Recent studies show that Churchill did not in fact die and is merely sleeping off the largest drink a subhuman being has ever had. Science confirms that upon waking up Churchill's hang over will be so great that his head will explode with the force of 20 atom bombs. Since then Churchill has been dropped into India where he is worshiped as the God of snails.

Lifetime Achievements

• Giving birth to the United States, which subsequently killed its father and married its mother.
• Having London Win the 2012 Olympic bid, only to fuck it up with a horrendous logo campaign.
• Getting pwnt by a rabble of over 9000 Drunken-Irish
• Despite the country's small size, the British military has at some point pwned every single other country in the world, except America (which it invented) and Japan (which the US took care of..) DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS Britain actually pwned the US in 1815, and never actually fought Japan.
• Note that the Zulus still pwned England's ass using nothing more than pointy sticks and goatse pics.
• Getting their asses pwned by ze Germans in EVERY fuckin penalty shootout.
• Creating the BBC, still used to broadcast Limey propaganda and Russian childporn until this very day.
• Inventing Monty Python (see English Humor)
• Having the forethought to take all the LSD given to them by America so that they could invent Monty Python.
• Stealing football from Russia, to later split it into the separate sports of rugby and soccer.
• At 5:00 am every morning, the entire English race wakes up and worships the Royal Family. They sacrifice children as the Queen smears her withered, saggy, piss-smelling body in diamonds and the blood of the innocent, nude on national television. This is judged to be the leading cause of blindness in the UK.
• Producing Cheddar Valley.
• Having the worst weather in the entire planet.
• Creating bands that noone outside of England has ever heard of, such as The Streets and the Arctic Monkeys.
• Having as many furries as the rest of the English-speaking world combined, a dubious title it probably shares with lost to the U.S.
• Cheering on Andy Murray at Wimbledon (even though he's Scottish and has publicly said he hates England) and watching megafail happen live on national television.

Guide To Being English

• Be a wanker
• Drive a German car
• Look ugly as fuck anyone else
• Visit an Irish pub for a Belgian beer
• On the way home purchase either fish and chips, an Indian curry, a Turkish kebab, or a Chinese takeaway. Though probably the curry, because they fucking rock and taste better than any fucking thing originating anywhere within about a thousand miles of England, whose national "cuisine" centers profoundly on nasty shit, boiled until at least it doesn't taste of anything.
• Eat said food while sitting on a Swedish sofa while watching American programs on a Japanese television
• Steal Genoese flags and Czech coats of arms and pretend that they are yours
• Bitch about the Boston Tea Party.
• Be suspicious of all things foreign, yet forgetting your gene pool has seen more foreign sperm than Paris Hilton.
• Believe that England will win every sporting event, and send death threats to someone when it doesn't happen. Riot when you lose. Or when you win. Travel to international games not so much to see the match as to fuck up the city center and throw bricks and bottles at the local police afterwords. Sing ingenious songs on the terraces such as the unforgettable "I'd rather be a Paki than a Turk", premiered while playing Turkey.
• Criticize Americans for engaging in irresponsible imperialistic adventurism while forgetting that America is the product of irresponsible imperialistic adventurism on the part of the English.
• Dress in a tracksuit or other sporting gear but don't actually have any exercise
• Never go to the dentist/orthodontist for the remainder of your life
• It is mandatory to never brush one's teeth.
• Complain about the weather when it rains. Complain about the weather when it's sunny; despite the fact that England invented rain and as such is entitled to it all day, every day.
• Fork off the state
• Become a Wikipedo, emo your way into being an Admin so you can resign in disgrace, then get all emo again so you can attention whore your way back into power.
• Say FFS after every other word
• Listen exclusively to Radio 4.
• Secretly wish you were American. Or a Downs-syndrome child with a gun. They are both the same thing. EXCEPT THAT YOU CONFUSED "THEIR" WITH "THERE" YOU ENGLISH FUCKTARD. NO U, YOU CONFUSED "THERE" WITH "THEIR" WITH "THEY'RE", AMERIFAG

Bum Secks

In 1966 England passed a Sexual Offenses Act that legalized homosexual anal sex for men over 21 provided it occurred only in private (defined therein as a place either man owned, and which housed nobody but the participants). Heterosexuals had to wait another twenty-eight years to legally get it in the ass. Woman on woman anal penetration was declared illegal by Henry VIII, who subsequently invented the Church of England. While this rule largely remains unenforced, it has never been overturned by the British courts or by the Church of England.

However, during Queen Victoria's rule, her advisers brought her a law to sign that would render all queer sex illegal. None of her advisers had the balls to explain quite how lesbianism worked to the Queen, so it was let slip. Lesbianism was legal by omission, for the simple reason that nobody knew quite how to describe the act of tribbing to HRH. This marks one of those moments in history during which lesbian invisibility has been a boon to lesbians. It is also said that hot girl on girl action is superior to guy on guy sex, which is not awesome, while the attractiveness of girl-on-girl action can be destroyed by the introduction of furries to the sex, as furries are vile and hideous.

A furry will have to abstain — it is a life sentence to bugger an animal. However, you can have sex with dead animals, as under English law a dead animal of any kind or state is considered food. It remains illegal to have anal sex in a hotel room, regardless of whom the sex involves.

Religion

Christianity was the dominant religion for a short while of around 1,400 years, reintroduced to England in 597 CE (AD to primitive Christians) by St. Augustine and its message rapidly spread. Christianity became even more popular following the Norman Conquest in 1066 as King William ordered a massive building program at monastic and parish levels. Soon after in the late Twentieth century the popularity of Christianity started to wane as new religions from far off lands started to gain increased influence, with Islam and Scientology being the most significant. A final death blow was struck to Christianity, however, by the Commission for Racial Equality who insisted that it was discriminatory because it did not encourage its followers to enter marriages against their will, blow themselves up in the name of God, give their women second class status forbidding them to work or reveal their faces in public, and that Sunday School did not dedicate enough time to educating children in the art of holy war and the religious uses of Semtex.

Currently, a debate is brewing to whether England should adopt Sharia Law[2]; Another debate on the horizon is whether England should change its name to "New Pakistan".

Political Correctness Gone Mad

Perhaps a less desirable achievement of the UK than legalizing anal lesbian relations. There is a room in Britain containing ten presumably bald people, consisting precisely of: 15% of an unknown ethnic minority, 48% females, with the remainder being emos. These people deliberate all day as to what stupid restrictions they could impose on people to make life "fairer" for the minorities. Their proud achievements so far:

1. Fairy Lights - Now to be called "Fuck You, Fairies Are Real" Lights as to not offend people who believe in fairies.
2. Christmas Trees - Now to also be named rag head-killing trees as to not offend Sikhs and Muslims.
3. Brain Storms - Now to be called retard-spasms as to not offend those with mental disorders.
4. Common Sense - Is now not allowed to be used in classrooms. Because England is so multi-cultural, there apparently is no 'common sense' anymore.
5. The English Flag - Was said to be 'inciting racial hatred' in a Northern town when the World Cup was on. Subsequently, the inhabitants were not allowed to wave their own country's flag. It would be racist! The Mozzer got into some trouble for dressing himself in it at least one hundred years ago.
6. Baa Baa Black Sheep is now banned from being sung in primary schools. What a bad example it would set to our children. As a replacement, the Jim Davidson wrote the charming ditty "Burn the Niggers" to be sung daily by schoolchildren everywhere; it reflects an ethos which can be embraced by people of all races. At least, all the races who are actually in school.
7. Dwarves are now to be called by the modern term "circus freaks".
8. Blackboards are now to be called Negro-Writing-Areas. Only Blacks are allowed to write on them.
9. Whiteboards are now to be called Honky-Writing-Areas. Only Whites, the poor and English Fuckturds are to write on them. The Scottish and Welsh are not permitted ANY education, at all.
10. Just looking at Goatse will soon be illegal in the UK, a sneak peak at it is and open invitation to be Goatse'd yourself at the pleasure of Her Majesty [3].
11. Everything in England will soon be illegal; Splitting the country between being either wanted criminals or docile and complacent Labour voters.

However, in a reaction to this, noted Tory, twit, and Sodomite David Cameron is unbearably popular, and it is not an overreach to foresee a future where he, not Elizabeth II, is Queen of England. Tony Blair has not denied that he may accept the offer to be David's King.

Wildlife

On January 20 2006, a Northern Bottle nose Whale was spotted in Central London in the River Thames. (BBC) The Thames whale reached as far up river as Albert Bridge before it was swarmed by starving and ragged homeless, dragged into Battersea Park, and flensed with broken wine bottles. The authorities have as of yet made no arrests, as this action is "inconceivably pro-active" for the box-dwelling winos, and is seen as a potential case of human evolution in the lower class. The whale blubber is even being rendered beneath the Albert Bridge into oil, and while the stench has been noted as far east as Soho, the enlightened bourgeois middle class are finding the affair morally uplifting. Subsequently a crack BBC reality TV crew has been dispatched to view the human evolution in action. There are reports an American version of this upcoming show will be released on NBC.

As of January 21 2006, reports of the whale bones having been fashioned into a temple to Alstrogothia, notable Caco-demon of the 6th circle, are being investigated. Police are considering action, as Queen Elizabeth II had a shocking experience with Alstrogothia as a young girl in private school.

The English

English people fall into one of 5 categories (in this order).

1. Royalty
2. Chavs
3. Irish
4. Hugh Grant
5. Niggers
6. Fags
7. Fat

Body structure

The English are asymmetrical along the body, meaning that the left part is not a mirror image of the right. They do not have hardened exoskeletons, which results in horrible skin conditions. They breathe via their lungs through their permanently flared nostrils.

Their bodies can be classified into three major parts: head, abdomen and limbs. The limbs, one pair each of legs and arms, attach directly to the head. The Queen is responsible for laying the thousands of eggs required for replacing workers lost in Iraq. The number of males is generally low because only one male is needed for the entire reproductive process. Despite this, all English people, regardless of sex, are referred to as Englishmen. This is probably due to the fact that all Limey females appear to be male.

Contrary to what most people believe, the English do not bite. They use their jaws to anchor themselves and then, using their strong mandibles, attach themselves to their food and tear at it with their limbs. As a result the average Englishman is in severe need of dental hygiene. They have yet to discover the scientific technology known as orthodontics, steadfastly insisting that cosmetic surgery is only for prostitutes.

British women, however, are usually an exception to this rule: they are famous throughout the world for their magnificently long faces and even longer, gold-colored teeth, valued especially in Africa, where lack of proper farming tools is the chief agricultural problem of many countries.

Language

The English are most recognizable for speaking in any one of their hyper-specialized accents, the most notable being Cockney, Low-bred and Pompous Jackass. Cockney (lol, cocks) is probably the only one worth elaborating on, as it is the most specialized. The first thing a Cockney speaker will do is replace every "t" with an apostrophe (e.g. apostrophe -> apos'rophe) unless that "t" is at the end of a word such as is found in the ever-present ancillary contraction, "innit". The second unique feature of Cockney is that it uses rhyming slang which is more long-winded than the word for which it is being substituted. For instance, instead of saying "stairs" a cockney speaker would say "apples and pears".

British Humo(u)r

The British are among the most cheerful and humo(u)rous people in the world. When in Britain and among the British, whether you'll find yourself robbed by them, cheated by them, scammed by them, abused by them, insulted by them, knifed by them in the back on the London subway, or encouraged to commit suicide by them, you can be certain that in every such situation, you will hear many a merry laughter and amusing jokes and witticisms, spoken in a variety of hilarious English accents.

British Television

Recent research by British Scientists has discovered large amounts of a physical phenomenon called "suck" emanating from British Television. British citizens (or people unlucky enough to be in Britain) must watch one of many channels named with the "BBC (X)" naming convention. If you don't like what's on BBC 1, turn it to BBC 2; they'll have something that definitely is not about redecorating a house or a room therein.

British Scientists also learned how to pipe this Vortex of Suck to the USA. The average Dish Network(tm) or DirecTV(tm) now has an extra channel to skip over in search of mediocre soft core Cable porn or SpongeBob Squarepants. Fortunately, the pipes are a bit leaky, or else Americans would be seeing shit like Little Britain.

Channel 4 is another television channel in England where it's main shows are about freaks and filming freaks 24/7. They also air the English version of Big Brother. To become a house mate on Big Brother you must either have the biggest breasts for miles, claim to be a gay or have sucked cock for money. Fucktards are also welcome, and if you have all three qualities you are likely to be jumped and put in the house by force.

The most popular TV show in England is "Rainbow", which teaches young British viewers the importance of taking their twangers out and banging with them, playing each other's pipes, plucking away and playing with their balls. Srsly, watch it here.

Special Note: British Comedian and Prime Minister Hugh Laurie actually trolled American TV by pretending to be an Americunt and getting a part on the famous Sci-Fi show House MD. He was subsequently charged for his crime of defecting to the filthy, fat Amerykanz and brought back to England via a Vauxhall car (We don't want your stinking, good quality foreign cars, Johnny Foreigner--we'll stick to our shitty, outdated ones). (Although, moar hilariously, the British are too dumb to know that the 100% British Vauxhall cars are actually shittier versions of the German Opel models, only with a different badge and the steering wheel moved to the wrong side.) He was hauled up in front of her Majesty, Queen Paul O' Grady (former Bluecoat at Butlins and one-time Doge of Venice) in chains and other such BDSM equipment. When asked about his sordid crime, he replied " I DID IT FOR THE LULZ" and then committed Sepukku. His blood and guts soared through the air, like that thing in the Emo Documentary Neon Genesis Evangelion, and burned into an irredecent flame of myriad colours as it struck the ground. Flowers sprang up as Hugh Lauries' beautiful manly body lay spread-eagled across the floor--his blood became the very essence of the pure life-force of nature and his body was bathed in a light so bright, that the court of nobles had to shield their eyes. Magnificent wings, of golden feathers, sprung from his back and 3 halos appeared above his head, plus two cat ears grew where his normal ears were. A Cherubic choir could be heard as Hugh's eyes got slightly larger, and his chin ever more pointier and his hair even more spikier. Ninja weapons and a Samurai sword appeared in both hands; the crest on his brilliant green kimono bore the mark of ^_^ and on his nose was a tiny little pair of glasses. Yes, he was the real-life incarnation of Sasuke. Only it looks like Dr House. Slowly, his body ascended to the heavens and he then became the Angel of Jesu and Kawaii.

And then he went back to America.

People from England

• Angela
• David Cameron
• TM
• Richard Dawkins
• The Young Ones
• OldDirtyBtard
• Abdul
• Dangasm
• Kurtbatz
• BNP
• Younger Woolwich Boyz
• Sceptre
• The Royal Family
• Yorkshiremen
• Gaaralover85
• Jesus
• All Jews
• Kriss akabusi
• Tayhound
• Jonathan King
• Purple Aki
• Rick Astley
• Reeve
• You
• America
• Sutex

English Inventions

• Great Britain
• Scotland
• Ireland
• Dragons
• Incest
• The Free World
• Lulz
• Canada
• Glamrock
• The Sandwich
• United States
• Unwarranted Self Importance
• teh gay
• Numberwang
• Nearly every sport in the world, which is ironic as they now suck at all of them.
• The NHS
• Most laughable cultural movements; chavs and scousers are examples of this.
• Educational youth videos

Trolling the English

Insult the royal family and the British empire on this forum

• Most British car enthusiasts congregate on this forum [4] as well most of the Eurotrash of the Internets. Since they pretend to be serious, a good way to troll them is get as random as you can.

• Many British lol-cows congregate on TSR forums, principally to discuss how to survive with the complete absence of oral hygiene.

• Pointing out that they are ugly

• Accuse an English person of becoming too Americanized. There is no worse insult worldwide. It's also a good idea to call them "dirty Brits" in a patronizing Americunt accent, as you will be sure to get a string of hate and verbal jewergy from them.

• Congratulate them on doing absolutely nothing in any war.

• Ask them is the know that definition of the following English terms:

-Contraction(50% of the time will refer to it as "Wut HaPpenz wen u have a baby) -Conjuntion -Interjection -Adjective -Conjugation (97% of the time the will not)

• Ask them how not brushing their teeth is going.

• Question how a nation with no Army (but help from the French) could withstand the super-power of the world and later gain their indepence, only for the British to come back in 1812 and burn down the white house and most of Washington, and steal Detroit (only to return the shithole for obvious reasons).

• After a heated discussion, tell that you know why they are mad, after a short pause say that is becuase of the Boston Tea Party. Tell them that they are NEVER going to get that tea back and that it is in our harbor, and it will stay there forever.

• NEVER succumb to them saying that Americans are fat, and just say how much you LOVEEEEEE it.

• Tell them to pick a fucking name for their country: England, Britain, Great Britain, the UK, what the FUCK is it? (<-- This one works especially well, considering how many of them come in here fuming just to delete this single sentence.)

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