Sorry that it has been a few days since my last post. I took on a new project and it has kept me plenty busy. So, since I haven't written, I thought it would be cool to show you what I have been doing. Check it out and tell me what you think...


Chris is the New Bob Ross from Tanner Cooley on Vimeo.

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NBC Super Bowl Breakdown from Tanner Cooley on Vimeo.

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Kevin Curtis was mauled by Rodderick Hood to end the Eagles season. Coming out of the break Kev's body is flailing while he is falling down, he awkwardly lunges away from Hood's hands which are all over his back trying to drag him to the ground and as he goes to reach for the ball he can't even extend his arms. Other than a quick comment by Aikman about how interference could have been called, little was said and the game ended. All was well and we're celebrating the Cards in the Super Bowl as it's the greatest thing to happen in the NFL.

My offensive minded objectives were obliged three years ago after the Patriots decided the only way to stop the Colts offense was to tackle their receivers all the way down the field. The Patriot defense held their way all the way to a Super Bowl championship in 2004, but the groping ways of defense were soon to change. An officials emphasis was made pre 2005 and defenders were forced to actually cover guys instead of the popular strip search technique. On the change Rodney Harrison was quoted saying "It's a tough rule. Every time you knock a ball down you have to hold your breath and look around (for a flag). I just think football should be football, stop favoring offenses."

The rule of pass interference has existed in professional football since the forward pass. Actions that constitute an interference call consist of contact by a defender who is not playing the ball and such contact restricts the receiver's opportunity to catch the ball, grabbing or hooking a receivers body, or arms in such a manor that restricts his ability to catch the ball, as well as playing through the back of a receiver in an attempt to get to the ball. The rule book continues to go into detail on not only pass interference, but defensive holding. So while defensive players throw out "just let us play football" remember that all games have structure and rules and raping a guy 10 yards down a football field isn't just playing, it's cheating.

It's been three years since the pass interference/holding change was instigated and officials are already allowing more and more contact. "Go defense!" The Redskins offensive staff turned in over 17 interference no calls on just me, not all of our receivers, just #47. I understand that officials get a hard time for making calls, but it is a major advantage for a defender to have his hands all over a receiver. Instead of having to honor a receivers ability to run a great route and make a move they sit and wait at a distance they think they can grab the guy and just figure they wont get called.

I guess that until every receiver starts throwing up their hands like Curtis does after this no-call, defenders will keep getting away with this. Check out the video and tell me this is not a blatant pass interference at the 1:10 mark...

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Brett Keisel: Talk to me about what you got going on man. Are these questions you made up?

Chris Cooley: Yes. In all my spare time. I don't think you'll have too hard of a time answering them.

BK: (laughs) Outstanding.
(In the midst of some early-conversation banter that has been edited out, Keisel mentions that he had just been sitting in an ice bath to aid his sore legs.)

CC: I don't understand how you can sit in an ice bath. Don't you guys practice outside?

BK: Yeah, but we didn't today. We were inside today. My legs are just worn out I guess. Do you ice?

CC: Uh, yeah. I definitely do. It sucks. We don't have an indoor facility, so when it's cold out I really don't like to get in the ice after we're done. But I can't imagine how tired you are ...

BK: Yeah, it's not too bad, I missed six games this year so I feel pretty good. I can't believe you guys don't have an indoor facility; all the money your owner has.

CC: I know. It's unreal. Well, we practice on, I guess we practice on a flood plane. There's a creek behind our field ... the only turf field we have is an ACTUAL AstroTurf field. I mean it's not even field turf so ... we usually don't use that one either.

BK: Maybe all you guys can chip in and get yourselves an indoor facility.

CC: (laughs) "Hey Dan, why don't we all give you some money and maybe build this thing." I was gonna tell you too, it's crazy that you grew up in Greybull (Wyoming).

BK: I know, 'cause you grew up in Powell right? (54.6 miles apart)

CC: I grew up in Powell ... I have little league wrestling medals with a grey bull. It's not a circle, it's a bull. Well it's kind of funny, we both grew up in Wyoming, we both went to college in Utah, my family all thinks that we should be best friends. Do you ever hear that? I'm like, I haven't even talked to him.

BK: We are best friends Chris, we just don't know it yet bro.

CC: Yep, that's right. We'll hang out this summer, huh?

BK: That'd be fun man. We should go fishin' like you could take me on the Shoshone.

CC: (laughs) We'll go to the bar.

BK: Yeah.

CC: We'll pick fights.

BK: LET's DO IT.

CC: I'm in, I'll be there.

BK: Alright, buddy.

CC: You got the BYU connection. I figured you could probably make some green jello with carrots.

BK: (LAUGHS) Broccoli jello?

CC: That's it, man. So just kinda quick on this 'cause its getting kind of overplayed out, but University of Utah, you guys played them every year and we played them every year. Do you think they should of had a shot? Or do you think if BYU would have made it [undefeated], do you think they should have got a shot?

BK: I do think they should have a shot especially when a team goes undefeated and beats some teams, one team that was considered the top team in the country for a significant amount of time in Alabama, so I think they should get just as much shot as anyone, but all of this could have been easily been played out in a playoff in my opinion.

CC: Yeah, I think you're right. I think that's what it has to get to but it just doesn't seem like it will. Whatever.

BK: Well they should get a shot. No other team in the country, that I'm aware of, at least Division, I went undefeated, and they spanked Alabama so ...

CC: Whatever. When [the Steelers] played us at home this year my brother and I were talking and compared it to when BYU came to Logan (Utah State), there were that many fans in our stadium. It was embarrassing. Honestly, I'm sick about the terrible towels.

BK: Yeah, we have a great tradition of traveling Steeler nation fanatics. That's one special thing about playing in Pittsburgh is any time we go anywhere, somehow some way our fans seem to find tickets and seem to be competitive in filling the seats along with the home teams fans. So I love our fans. Definitely.

CC: Yeah, that's cool. You guys have crazy fans. Do you have any weird stuff happen to you? My new thing right now is every time I go to dinner people wanna shake hands with me ... while I'm sitting at dinner. The fan thing. Do you have any ...

BK: Doesn't that bother you?

CC: That's my biggest pet peeve.

BK: Especially when you're sitting down to eat you have food in front of you, that you're going to be putting in your mouth and some guy just walks out of the bathroom and wants to shake your hand.

CC: I know.

BK: I don't like that either.

CC: He's got his hand on his [private parts] probably.

BK: That's nasty. That is NASTY. No, but our fans our pretty cool. Most the time they don't mess with us too much but you know, we get things all the time where you just want to be alone and, um, someone kind of shows up and wants you to take a picture, or it's somebody's birthday or something like that. You know, try and make you feel obligated to do something.

CC: Yeah, I mean, you can't say no.

BK: Right.

CC: Alright. So I was just talking to Kevin Curtis and all of Philadelphia's team is growing beards right now. Who grows a better beard on your team, you or Ben (Roethlisberger)?


BK: Me by far. If you go back and look, I mean Ben is starting to mature and starting to grow a better beard, but when we won the super bowl he had that thing going so maybe it'll help them win. I don't know, but, uh, definitely me.

CC: That guy gets crazy concussions. Does he ever say anything wild when he gets knocked out?

BK: Yeah, it's kind of funny to mess with him a little bit. You know it wasn't so much what they were saying, but they come to the sidelines and they wanna know where they are, what they're doing and why are all these people screaming. (laughs)

BK: So I find that somewhat hilarious but you know ... we see it a lot, don't we, Chris?

CC: Yeah, every week.

BK: Every week.

CC: You gotta feel good about being the only team in the playoffs that doesn't have a bird mascot. I mean if it came down to the mascots you'd obviously win.

BK: Yeah, I think that interesting. Um, you know, we're playing a bird, um, if we win we're playing another bird so ... I don't know where the birds came from. Or how all the sudden they got to be mascots. I do like the Eagles 'cause I'm an American, but a Raven or a Cardinal I never knew those were tough birds.

CC: It really doesn't seem that tough.

BK: No it doesn't.

CC: Let me ask you this. Obviously everyone's impression of you is going to be, you know, a conservative, blue collar white dude. But do you have any sack dance, anything cool you're going to do? I'm assuming you're going to score a touchdown defensively. Do you guys have anything planned out?

BK: We don't have anything choreographed as of yet. We still have two days to prepare, two days to work on something, but uh, last week it was fun when I put Rivers down I had to go rowing down the river. I just thought that was a fun dance to do, but a lot of people said it was horrible and I looked really white doing it.

CC: Mmmm, I think anything you do is good. I mean if your incorporating the quarterback you could definitely, uh, simulate a pair of tweezers this week.

BK: Ya, ya, (laughs) that's nice man. Real nice.

CC: Yeah, thoughtful. Do you think this could be a game where the offense doesn't score a point?

BK: I wouldn't think so. Just because I have a lot of faith in our offense, um, I hope their offense doesn't score a point. That would be outstanding, but, uh, no I don't think so. Not with the athletes that the NFL has today. You know guys that ... playing on offense would blow my mind if you had a 0-0 game going into overtime, but stranger things have happened.

CC: Yeah, I'm guessing at least defensive touchdowns will be scored.

BK: Yeah, I think so too. I think so too.

CC: Alright dude, last question. A kind of fun thing on our bus and in our locker room are the "what if" questions or "what would you do?" questions. I know you can take this to extremely vulgar levels, cause we definitely did ...
CC: This year I did the website and it was the first year that I have really done it, and I was learning and I think everyone kind of already knows this, but I posted naked pictures on accident ...

BK: NICE man.

CC: ... on the internet.

BK: Naked pictures of you?

CC: Yeah, well, there was no face involve but there was [JUNK] so that was a real treat.

BK: WOW.

CC: Would you trade full frontal nudity for another Super Bowl ring?

BK: Yes.



CC: No questions asked?

BK: No questions.

CC: Ha. I love it. I love it. A real team player.

BK: That's right. That's right. I really want another ring. I don't wanna have four fingers left, I want to fill up the whole hand.

CC: Sounds good.

BK: So maybe that will cost me five frontal nudities. I don't know.

CC: (laughs) You'll definitely have to meet with a psychologist. I can tell you that from experience.

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One thing I won’t miss: The Piss Test.

Cooley Interjection:
It is very apparent to me that we cannot get enough talk about the penis staring piss test....Never enough talk about penis' for that matter, as I well know.  But sorry for the interruption Rob, continue with your story.



Over the 5 years of my collegiate career I had my urine tested for performance enhancing and street drugs close to 15 times. That’s three times a year. There is the mandatory pee test at the beginning of training camp, and then some randomly selected moments of awkwardness as the season progresses.

Cooley Interjection:
15 times?  I laugh at that.  I easily knock out 15 a year.

Make a bowl game? The NCAA will reward you with “Championship Testing.” Although I am going to play pro in Europe, I can comfortably say my drug testing days are over. (Europe: The land of Arnold and Amsterdam…drug testing not a big priority there). I’m not saying I’m glad there will be no more piss testing because I can’t wait to spark a J and stick a needle in my ass. Quiet the contrary. I am just glad that I won’t have a perfect and complete stranger staring at my wedding tackle three times a year.

I completely understand drug testing to keep the integrity of sports. Completely. By all means, test me. But do you really have to look at my junk? It’s not a fake penis, I promise you.

Let me explain: No one knows the test is coming except for our medical staff. We practice about two hours and coach call it practice up (like he does everyday). He makes his announcements, gives his spiel, and then says, “The following guys go with Bob” (Bob Howard being our head trainer). Name called = go pee. You make no stops, proceed directly to the testing room. In your pads. I’m not wearing a Pizzicato (how could I pull that off all practice?), so the entire looking at my twig and berries is totally unnecessary.  
 
Cooley interjection:
I dislike the dick watcher as much as anyone, but I feel like I can play devils advocate for the story.   Consider a guy going to unimaginable lengths and wearing the whizinater out to the field every day.  He just suctions it on and goes to work....every single day... no big deal once you get used to it.  I mean, some guys might choose to go to major lengths to stay off the illegal drug list - it is a pretty big violation at any level.  If this could possibly be happening we need to reevaluate our piss man's ability to determine a real or fake.  Really, if your job is looking at wieners all day, then you will definitely see a variety of them, big ones, small ones, black and white ones, you even get the luxury of the uncircumcised ones.  Lets just say he sees an average of 10 different dongs a day.  You're telling me he can definitely, for sure, no questions asked tell if there is a fake.  I don't believe it!  The porn industry can create a pretty realistic looking member, so why couldn't a very real one be made to be filled with piss?  With this information coming to light I think sports may have to come to the conclusion that the only solution will be to expand the job duties of the piss watcher and allow him to go ahead and hold it for you.  Now that makes a good blog!  Yep, it would be awfully weird, but with technology advancing in the drug and penis industries, it may be our next and only option.  So Rob, while your penis will be free of foreign eyes, mine may be on the brink of strange hands. 

Anyways, back to reality.  When you get in that sterile room and you have to fill a cup. I’ve played in front of tens of thousands of fans, on live national television. I loved it. But one guy in a bathroom telling me to pee, I freeze like a cheap computer. Call it stage fright, or performance anxiety, or whatever. That’s one thing you didn’t see on your recruiting trip, “To your left is our weight room. Largest in all of New England. To your right, the room where a guy making just above minimum wage will stare at your dong and handle your urine. Next up, the dining halls….” You come out of that room like a rape victim.
"What happened Rob?"
"Nothing! No one!..."  Followed by a long, hot shower.

Cooley interjection:
I once spent over two hours in the bathroom with a large black man while I tried to overcome a case of the stage fright.  It was the off season and I had just finished up a workout, showered, pissed in the shower and got ready to head home.  On my way out of the locker room the guy grabs me and says "Glad I caught you, I would have had to drive out to your house tonight." Well, he may as well have.  I tried to piss ten different times.  It was dribbles going into that cup.  Two hours of pants around the ankles piss examination and I finally finished the job. Way fun!

Seriously though, it has been fodder for some of the best locker room material and practical jokes of all time. There was the time our tester (we’ll call him Rick) had a stain on his white uniform. A light brown, almost amber stain. We’ll call that an occupational hazard. He said it was coffee. I say it was that Gatorade I had at lunch. Even worse is some of the commentary this guy would make:(hands you sterile cup) "Welp...uh...filler up!...unleaded I hope." or "Think positive, piss negative!"

How does this guy pick up women at a bar? (“So what do you do for a living? Oh, I work with piss all day. Dark piss, light piss, all kinds of piss. I’m the piss man!” Or how does he talk about his day over dinner with his wife? I don’t want to imagine those conversations.

Cooley interjection:
The guy from the Patriots tells his wife about Tom Brady's hog.  At least he's got interesting table talk.

Some would suggest female testers. While you might expect some misogynistic response to such an idea, I won’t take the bait. You thought I couldn’t pee in front of a guy and now you want me to pee in front of someone that I might find sexually attractive. You might as well put my 105 year old great grandmother there.

Cooley interjection:
Yes! Female testers!

So while I will miss a lot about being a college football player; the fans, the parties, the winning, the friends. I won’t miss having another grown man admire my manhood as I force evacuate urine through ever reluctant bladder.

Cooley interjection:
Good talk buddy.  Lots of excitement thinking of amusing anatomy descriptions, female testers fitting the new job description of holder, and Tom Brady's hog on my dinner table. Wawow!

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