For every 50 to 60 shitty, unsolicited children’s CDs, quilt-it-yourself kits, and books about menopause that inexplicably arrive in our offices daily, there’s that rare sweet, angel’s blood–flavored gooey filling in my shit donut of a mail day. In this case, a limited-edition, serially-numbered Essential Artists bottle of 1800 Tequila featuring the art of Glen Barr. In all, nine artists were commissioned to tag up their own bottle, of which—natch—1,800 each were made and individually numbered with their design emblazoned directly on the glass.

Now I own art. Of course, the thing’s so goddamned beautiful that I can’t bring myself to open it. Thanks, motherfuckers!

 

 Design your own bottle and get it made here!

 

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Back in the 1990s, Americans were evidently too stupid to realize that bitter beer tastes better, launching whole ad campaigns that mocked sufferers of bitter beer face. Once again, the Germans have come to our rescue.

Now those of you with a hankering for hops can carry them around in this custom Pocket Hops dispenser and add them to any beer to hop it up. Simply dole out the recommended dose, tap the concentrated powder into your favorite flavorless brew, and get wincing.

You can take it with you to keggers, stein hoists, bladder busts, the ballpark—anywhere that serves shitty beer. Or just take it with you to the post office and threaten an anthrax outbreak if they don’t open a second window. Like Vince from Shamwow says, “It’s made in Germany—you know the Germans always make good stuff.”

We tried it, and as promised, our beer became decidedly bitterer. Though, if we pay $25 dollars for three grams of white powder, this isn’t how we intend to get hopped up, just sayin’.

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QUICK SPECS

CPU: 1.8 GHz 64-bit AMD MT-34 Processor Graphics: ATI Radeon Xpress 200M Drive: DVD +-RW OS: Microsoft Vista Ultimate Edition Hard Drive: 160GB Other: Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, Webcam, Media Center MSRP: $19,800

Don't let something like The Great Depression 2.0 keep you from owning what really matters in life...like this poverty-provoking $19,800 laptop made by Ego Lifestyle for Bentley Motors. It's powered by a 1.8 GHz AMD Turion processor ($160), an ATI Radeon XPress 200M graphics card, a 160GB hard drive, and another $19,000 worth of love. All this can be yours for just signing on the dotted line and going five dollar footlongs for the rest of your life. Hit the jump for more photos of the exclusive (only 250 made), but undriveable Bentley.

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QUICK SPECS

Song Capacity 2,000 Picture Capacity 25,000 Video Capacity 25 hours Available Colors blue, black, red, pink MSRP $149.99

The Skinny: Big M retools its personal media player for the upcoming holiday season, throwing nearly everything but Bill Gates into the package.

The Good: It's Web 2.0 time, and in this worldwide web of wonderment, there's more to be done on the Internet than checking your plummeting stocks. The Zune v3 packs an FM tuner that not only allows you to magically listen to the greatest innovation of the 19th century, you can purchase whatever track is playing at the time wirelessly from your player. If you live in Futtbuck, TN, the tracks are added to a queue for download later. A simple rectangular design with slightly rounded corders, the Zune fits into your palm quite well, like a Hershey's Skor bar that never melts. Mmmmmm, delicious bars of Skor.

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Which flat-screen HDTV is right for your living room? Miracle at St. Anna director Spike Lee tests the best.

CINEPHILE
Pioneer Elite Kuro HDTV PRO-111FD 50-inch Plasma $5,000
The Lowdown: Home theater obsessives swear by Pioneer’s best sets, which for years have produced deeper blacks than anybody else’s in the game. Well, hold your Criterion Collection—the new ’08 models make darks five times dark­er. An “optimum mode” uses light and sound sensors to automatically calibrate the brightness level and ambient light color in your porno lair, er, home theater.
Spike’s Take: “It’s not a scientific test, but obviously this set is gorgeous. Everybody knows about Pioneer Kuros. I have two of ’em in my offices.”

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