Bible
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The bible is the best selling science fiction book ever made. It was written by a large cult of mentally retarded ancients, who had no idea how anything in the world functioned from last Thursday . Sadly, however, idiocy has survived throughout time and many people still believe in the illogical shit spewed from page to page. As such, it may be the single greatest example of trolling, unintentional or not, and perhaps the longest edit war that the world has ever seen.
Probably the oldest of old media, the Bible is a sprawling epic that spans thousands of years. It is part creation myth and part war story, as well as romance, adventure, drama, comedy, amateur pornography and completely irrelevant history. Although everyone knows corrupt Iranian Jews made most of the shit up to troll the Egyptian and Israeli Jews.
The main character of the book is God, who is actually a race of super-intelligent extra-terrestrials who make up ridiculous rules just for the lulz.
The book is divided into two parts, the Old Testament, and the Old Testament 2: Electric Boogaloo. Most scholars agree that the Old Testament is the real deal, while the New Testament is fan fiction, written because there was no proper sequel in sight.
George Bush uses a mixture of The Bible and Mein Kampf for the basis of his politics. See also Hitler, fascism, Nazis, and stupidity.
Contents |
Old Testament
The Bible begins with the story of God creating the world. This took Over 9000 days, but on the seventh, he rested, probably because he was a contractor, working for Cthulhu and wanted to milk out more pay and/or to smoke pot. After creating the world, God decided to create man. This led to the creation of none other than Adam West, who later starred in the hit 60s show, Batman. Realizing that Adam had nothing to do, he gave him Eve, making her out of one of Adam's ribs. This is the origin of the Christian idea that women are inferior to men. At least non Christian's agree with them on something. When an evil snake, supposedly Satan but more likely a Jew persuaded Eve to eat the forbidden fruit the pair received the banhammer and were banned for all eternity. Scholars theorize that this story is a euphemism and that they were really b& for posting CP. In order to populate the world, much incest was necessary and this backs up the theory that Adam and Eve were child molesters.
According to the Book of Exodus, Moses was the HNIC of all the Jews. God, being the 1337 dictator that He is, told Moses "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle to Egypt and freeing all the Jews from bondage (Book of Princes 0:17)." Then, God taught Moses some magic, like turning his rod into a serpent and initiating Zerg Rush. Moses went to Egypt and tried to convince the Pharaoh to unpimp his bitches in accordance with Gods will, to which the Pharaoh replied "FYIAD!". God realized his fanboi, Moses, had achieved epic failure of literally biblical proportions, and used His power to inflict 2,000 Goatses upon the slavedriving Egyptians. Following the offense, Moses and his motley crew of slave Jews were permabanned from Egypt. For the lulz, God told Moses to wander around in the desert for at least 40 years to search for Teh Promzd Lnd, with Jews in tow. While looking for a good place to take a shit, they stopped at Mount Sinai. Moses had a revelation that God was waiting for him at the summit with further instructions. Moses climbed to the top of the mountain, and got two slabs of rock from God that had ten of His favorite fag laws etched into them. When Moses returned to HQ, his followers were yiffing a golden calf. Knowing that God hates furfags, a butthurt Moses smashed the archaic word docs and stormed back up the mountain to cry on God's shoulder. God was more than a little pissed that He hadn't backed up His writings to a save file, and was finally able to retrieve His writings via copypasta.
After that, a bunch of shit happens. Most of which consists of various Jew wars, in which the proof of one's valor involved the bringing back of the enemy's foreskins. Also, much writing on scrolls ensued. A lot of the shit involves God trolling his creations in hilarious ways, such as telling some dumbass he has to kill his own son, then when he's got his son laying on a table and has a knife hovering over his head, God throws out the "LOL JUST KIDDING" for ultimate lulz, or God sending evil spirits out to do his will (even though he's supposed to be good). Another good troll is when God zaps a guy called Job with all-over Genital Herpes, then offs his family, to settle a bet with Satan, thus proving the two are in cahoots and the whole Good vs Evil battle is for lulz at humanity's expense.
A sample of this scintillating literary work of genius is as follows:
All who curse father or mother shall be put to death; having cursed father or mother, their blood is upon them. If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteress shall be put to death. The man who lies with his father's wife has uncovered his father's nakedness; both of them shall be put to death; their blood is upon them. If a man lies with his daughter-in-law, both of them shall be put to death; they have committed perversion; their blood is upon them. If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall be put to death; their blood is upon them. If a man takes a wife and her mother also, it is depravity; they shall be burned to death, both he and they, that there may be no depravity among you. If a man has sexual relations with an animal, he shall be put to death, and you shall kill the animal. If a woman approaches any animal and has sexual relations with it, you shall kill the woman and the animal; they shall be put to death, but only after the video has been posted on YouTube; their blood is upon them.
Note here that even in antiquity the Old Testament recognized Genetic Sexual Attraction as a lesser crime, not punishable by death, proving that those who suffer from a syndrome are of course less responsible for fucking their siblings:
If a man takes his sister, a daughter of his father or a daughter of his mother, and sees her nakedness, and she sees his nakedness, it is a disgrace, and they shall be cut off in the sight of their people; he has uncovered his sister's nakedness; he shall be subject to punishment.
In conclusion, Adam and Eve, along with all their descendants, are going straight to Hell.
The hero of the OT is David. This gimpy kid pwned the first professional wrestler named Goliath. Later on he starts the first Hells Angels gang and trolls Saul who eventually self-pwns. But once he's made king he starts taking himself too seriously, goes and sleeps with his general's wife, then arranges to have him murdered. His son from this affair then trolls David, but in the flame war he has his son killed. Feeling guilty about this he goes and writes the first ghey emo poetry: Psalms.
Another OT book, the Song of Solomon, is obviously by some horny dude fapping off writing about breasts and kissing and shagging, but dumbfuck Christians pretend it's an allegory for Jesus's love for the church.
Also, in the book of Ezekial, a bunch of furry-headed gyroscopes in a helicopter tell some guy to eat a scroll, build a sand castle, and play Warhammer 40K while lying tied up on his side for a couple years eating his own shit. Truly, God has the best drugs.
The Ten Commandments
Jews stole Chapter 125 of the Papyrus of Ani after their fail in Egypt. The Egyptians stole it from the Sumerians who also fail.
- There is only one God
On the face of it, this makes about as much sense as saying “There is only one Pokemon.” However it is possible, both in the case of God and Pokemon, that there is indeed only one, but he/she/it has a million names.
- Thou shalt not kill
This commandment is rather out of date. It is every American’s right to kill anybody they like, especially Muslims, preferably with firearms that they purchased themselves. Nowadays this commandment is only thought to apply to abortion clinics for white American 16 year old girls.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass
This should probably be ended with the phrase “unless he or she wants you to.” It is difficult not to covet thy neighbor's ass when he or she is washing the car dressed only in a tight white T and Daisy Duke cut-offs.
Muslim has it easy. Their females all wear Pac-man ghost garb so you only covert thy neighbor's ass if you're gay or have a thing for ghosts.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's donkey
God hates furries; bestiality can never be right.
- Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor
Obviously this doesn’t apply to articles on ED, which are purely for the lulz and therefore aren’t covered by this commandment
- Honor thy Father and thy Mother
Leaving aside the Spanglish mis-spelling of “honour”, this means that even if your parents are drunks, drug-addicts, republicans, democrats, pedophiles, child molesters and/or furries, you should still respect them. Provides a Biblical justification for the MILF phenomenon.
Actually that might be from a different set of commandments
So might that
- and
- (A bit like the other eight.)
New Testament
| —Sam Kinison - Greatest prophet of all time |
The second book, The New Testament, is where the story REALLY picks up. The Mary Sue of the second book is named Jesus. Jesus was born at least 100 years ago. Jesus' mom was impregnated by God, and gives birth to Jesus in a barn somewhere Georgia, most likely in Bartow County, now known as the "Holy Land" theme park.
Jesus grows up to be a New Age healer preaching peace, love, unity and respect, thus making him the first raver or hippie of sorts. He gains a large following by performing miracles such as turning water into wine or moving Romans around Jerusalem. His followers are all men, so he might have been one of the first gay idols, preceding Judy Garland by at least one hundred years.
So Jesus pisses off the Romans, and is nailed to a tree and dies. He is resurrected and then is abducted by the Illuminati and taken to Venus where he lives with other historical figures like George Washington and Leeza Gibbons.
The book is a collaborative effort, written over the course of a million years by Dean Koontz (Old Testament), Danielle Steele (New Testament) and Frank Zappa (Revelations).
The book has a huge fan following, with many factions splitting up. Jews only take the Old Testament as canon while Christians accept both. Technically Islam accepts the Bible as legitimate scripture but just try telling Osama bin Laden that.
According to the Bible
There are many proven facts in the world that the bible says is wrong. When Adam and Eve fucked and made children like (100 or so) those brothers and sisters fucked and made more retard children, but it also stated that Adam lived for hundreds of years and "Helped with the creation of man" so basically he fucked his own children. Space according to the bible doesn't exist as the stars in space change and that's impossible because god created everything perfectly and unneeded of change.
Usefulness
Makes a unexpected and merciless weapon, if it is a complete hardcover edition. Also can be hollowed out to hide smaller weapons. But, probably the best thing about the Bible is its quotability. Memorize some of these bad-ass lines and you are on the highway to Respect. Here’s how it would work:
- PRIMA: Hey, can I have some of that sandwich?
- SECUNDA: Get your own, buddy!
- PRIMA: Well, you know, The Bible says, “Let it rest on the head of Joab, and on all his father's house; and let there not fail from the house of Joab one that hath an issue, or that is a leper, or that leaneth on a staff, or that falleth on the sword, or that lacketh bread.” (2 Samuel 3:29)
- SECUNDA: Wow, that is totally bad-ass. Here, have the rest of this sandwich.
- PRIMA: NOM NOM NOM
Reading the Bible
In this day and age where the uneducated masses can hardly stumble through Shakespearean Era English, much less decipher the tangled strings of random words they claim is a religious text, one need not worry about not fully comprehending the teachings of the Bible. No living person has actually read the entire thing anyway. Just skim through Leviticus and Revelations for quick lulz, or if that's too much for you, Rev. Brendon Powell Smith has got you covered with the Brick Testament. It even comes with pictures for fuck's sake. How can anyone misinterpret something that's been illustrated with Lego?
Origins of the Literal Word of God(BIBLE)
| Warning!: The following section contains serious business |
The bible is clearly Christ and Yahweh fan fiction chosen for mainstream distribution by none other than Emperor Constantine. The gospels themselves were written anonymously in third person, and attribution of the authors' names (Mark, Luke, Matthew, John) is pretty much the equivalent of getting those annoying email forwards written by some basement dwelling fuckbucket and then simply typing in "from Bill Cosby" before forwarding that crap yourself. Everyone after that will be like "ZOMG Bill Cosby wrote this email! Forward it to all of your friends!!!1111!!!" To view some of the less popular fan fiction that he didn't approve of, check out the Gnostic Gospels which clearly prove that Jesus beat the breaks off Mary Magdalene and HOLY SHIT possesses a bird!
Just as the experts on convoluted bullshit thought the Bible was done pwning humanity, King James took it to a whole other level. This translation brought about such gems as: Isaiah 14:12 "How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!" This passage has Christ fanboys afraid to rub one out to this very day. Little do the Yahweh sycophants know, but this passage is actually a dis on the fallen Babylonian ruler known as "The Sun King", the word "Lucifer" is Latin for "Morning Star" - the same planet/morning star that we call "Venus". The KJV also gives us, among many more, a terrible fail of reading comprehension in Isaiah 7:14 which supposedly predicts Jesus' virgin birth. The passage in context (Isaiah 7:10 - 16) says "Hey King Ahaz - check out this chick right here; she's pregnant and is going to name her filthy jew spawn "Immanuel" once it's born. He's going to grow up eating everything in sight - but before this kid has hair on his nuts your enemies will be defeated." The list of abject fail (contradictions and mistranslations) is so extensive it would be a mathematical impossibility for me to cover them all without stumbling upon a viable solution for the perpetual motion paradox. In closing, remember to thank that bastard Paul of Tarsus every day for the virus that devours young minds and squanders endless resources that could be used for something constructive. After all, it is he who decided to tell the disciples that jolly old Jesus advised him his lovin' was for everyone, not just the Jews. From that day forward the gentiles(us) have been eating it up. You see how well Christianity is going over in the area of its roots. Mention anything about it and your bitch ass is getting stoned and beheaded. Those Muslims and Jews really know how to run shit! Send in a suicide bomber for me fellas! HA HA HAAAAA....Martyrs.
Fact of the day
The original New Testament was supposed to run for a traditional 12 episodes rather than the 9 episodes that we know today. The story had progressed as far as Jesus "rising from the dead" and then "ascending to heaven" when a Christian writer's strike, ignited by the wise decision of Emperor Trajan Decius to feed all screenwriters to the lions in the arena, forced the hasty grafting on of a hurried and unconvincing season climax. In the original plot, the risen Jesus is exposed as an emissary of the Devil sent to overturn the teachings of the original pacifistic guru, and to engineer the subjugation of the Roman Empire by the new Christian fundamentalists, thus leading to centuries of warfare. The plot is exposed by Judas, whose "suicide" in the Potter's Field is really a ruse to throw off the agents of the Evil One, and the fake Jesus dies in a hail of Uzi bullets, leading to a Jew-run world of peace and love. (Obviously a comedy.)
Epic Bible citations
Note: All excerpts below are 100% valid. No foolsies. I swear to fucking God.
Troll fora! Remember some and use in every day life to shut up women and Christians! Use it to justify murder!
- Genesis 8:4-5
4 And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat.
5 And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.
(The ark rested on a mountain 3 months before the mountans were "un-flooded"?)
- Leviticus 11:9-12:
9 These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat. 10 And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: 11 They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination. 12 Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.
- Deuteronomy 14:9-10:
9 These ye shall eat of all that are in the waters: all that have fins and scales shall ye eat: 10 And whatsoever hath not fins and scales ye may not eat; it is unclean unto you.
- 13 If a man also lie with man-kind, as he lieth with a woman,
both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
- 20 And they shall say onto the elders of his city.
This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkart. 21 And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil
- Exodus 21:7
And if a man sell his daughter to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the menservants do.
- Exodus 35:2
For six days work may be done, but on the seventh day you shall have a holy day, a sabbath of complete rest to the LORD; whoever does any work on it shall be put to death
- Corinthians 11:14
Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him
- Corinthians 19-24
A man should not go near a woman when she is on her period.
- Deuteronomy 23:2 (or 23:1 depending on your edition)
He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
- Deuteronomy 23:3 (or 23:2 depending on your edition)
A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
- Isaiah 45:7
I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these things.
- Deuteronomy 13:6-9
6 If your very own brother, or your son or daughter, or the wife you love, or your closest friend secretly entices you, saying, "Let us go and worship other gods" (gods that neither you nor your fathers have known, 7 gods of the peoples around you, whether near or far, from one end of the land to the other), 8 do not yield to him or listen to him. Show him no pity. Do not spare him or shield him. 9 You must certainly put him to death. Your hand must be the first in putting him to death, and then the hands of all the people.
- Numbers 15:32-36
The Sabbath-Breaker Put to Death 32 While the Israelites were in the desert, a man was found gathering wood on the Sabbath day. 33 Those who found him gathering wood brought him to Moses and Aaron and the whole assembly, 34 and they kept him in custody, because it was not clear what should be done to him. 35 Then the LORD said to Moses, "The man must die. The whole assembly must stone him outside the camp." 36 So the assembly took him outside the camp and stoned him to death, as the LORD commanded Moses.
- Isaiah 13:15-18
15 Whoever is captured will be thrust through; all who are caught will fall by the sword. 16 Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses will be looted and their wives ravished. 17 See, I will stir up against them the Medes, who do not care for silver and have no delight in gold. 18 Their bows will strike down the young men; they will have no mercy on infants nor will they look with compassion on children.
- Deuteronomy 7:2
2 and when the LORD your God has delivered them [enemies in war] over to you and you have defeated them, then you must destroy them totally. [a] Make no treaty with them, and show them no mercy.
- 2 Kings 2:23-24
23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" 24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.
- Deuteronomy 22:20-21
20 If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl's virginity can be found, 21 she shall be brought to the door of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father's house. You must purge the evil from among you.
- Leviticus 20:9-10;
9 If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother, and his blood will be on his own head. 10 If a man commits adultery with another man's wife—with the wife of his neighbor—both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death.
- Leviticus 25:44-46
44 Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. 45 You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. 46 You can will them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life, but you must not rule over your fellow Israelites ruthlessly.
- Ephesians 6:5
Slaves and Masters 5 Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ.
- 1 Corinthians 14:34-35
34 women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says. 35 If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.
- 1 Timothy 2:11-13
11 A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. 12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. 13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve.
- 1 Corinthians 11:3-9
3 Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. 4 Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head. 5 And every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head—it is just as though her head were shaved. 6 If a woman does not cover her head, she should have her hair cut off; and if it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut or shaved off, she should cover her head. 7 A man ought not to cover his head,[a] since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. 8 For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; 9 neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.
- 1 Corinthians 11:7
4 Every man who prays or prophesies with long hair dishonors his head. 5 And every woman who prays or prophesies with no covering (of hair) on her head dishonors her head—she is just like one of the "shorn women." 6 If a woman has no covering, let her be for now with short hair, but since it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair shorn or shaved, she should grow it again. 7 A man ought not to have long hair
- Psalm 19:7
7 The law of the LORD is perfect,
- Deuteronomy 17:2-7
2 If a man or woman living among you in one of the towns the LORD gives you is found doing evil in the eyes of the LORD your God in violation of his covenant, 3 and contrary to my command has worshiped other gods, bowing down to them or to the sun or the moon or the stars of the sky, 4 and this has been brought to your attention, then you must investigate it thoroughly. If it is true and it has been proved that this detestable thing has been done in Israel, 5 take the man or woman who has done this evil deed to your city gate and stone that person to death. 6 On the testimony of two or three witnesses a man shall be put to death, but no one shall be put to death on the testimony of only one witness. 7 The hands of the witnesses must be the first in putting him to death, and then the hands of all the people. You must purge the evil from among you.
- Leviticus 24:16
16 anyone who blasphemes the name of the LORD must be put to death. The entire assembly must stone him. Whether an alien or native-born, when he blasphemes the Name, he must be put to death.
- Matthew 18:7-9
7 Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come! 8 If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. 9 And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.
- Exodus 21:20-21
20 If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, 21 but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.
- Deuteronomy 25:11-12
11 When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: 12 Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.
- The Newer Testament
And God said: "FYAD coz' I rulez not only tah internets but also IRL". And every fucktard died, and all women became sexy, young lesbians.
And Jebus said "Do unto others before they do unto you, lol!" and proceeded to break the kneecaps of Judas with a nailbar.
And the poor woman cried out to Jesus and said "Is that baby for sale?" to which Jesus replied "It is now, lol!"
Bible Lieks No Sports
Gallery
 The Bible offers helpful advice for our everyday lives— such as how we are to beat our slaves. |
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 An angel according to the Bible. |
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 God does it for the lulz. |
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 Why must this exist? |
People who debunk the Bible
- Joseph_Smith
- Farrel Till
- John Loftus
- Linus Torvalds
- Sylvia Browne
See Also
External Links
- Read the ENTIRE FUCKING BIBLE RIGHT HERE, FREE
- The Devil's Dictionary X - A fun and education read.
- Skeptic's Annotated Bible - Points out all the bullshit in the bible, which is why there is commentary on every verse.
- Evil Bible (The best Bible out there)
- This is the Bible told by Spirit... A must see. Seriously.
